What am I?

[LaDita]

I have no idea where to put this post so I'll put it here. It seems like it belongs in Co-dependents, Friends & Family of Alcoholics or ACOA, but I'm not sure, hence the title.

I am really in alot of distress right now over what's been going on with my family friend. I shed some light on this in a couple of earlier posts but I need to tell the whole story.

As a child, there were many times my mom, for some reason or another, couldn't take care of me. I bounced around several homes of aunts and family friends and the one I stayed with the most was a family friend of ours who is a woman known for her "eccentricity" and is not easy to get along with. She has two sons, both of whom are and were serious delinquents and are now full-on late-stage addicts. While I was living there, she often took out her anger on me and chided her sons and let them get away with murder (figuratively speaking).
I was the total scape-goat, and she scared the crap out of me so I kept my mouth shut and took all her crap because deep down inside, I thought she was right. It seemed she was doing a better job at taking care of me than my mom did, so I think I settled for what I could get.

Fifteen years later, I am on my own but still not good enough to this woman. Her son's are out-of-control, in and out of jail, and she does *nothing*. Her eldest son flew a woman here and gave her a ring and now she is staying with his mom b/c he's using and out of control.
I met her and found that she and I have a lot in common and she needed help in getting to know the area and so I've been hanging out with her. One of these times the boyfriend came over and almost attacked me. She's still with him, in hopes that he's going to 'get it' and get some help. Then she confessed to me that the main reason she came here was because her situation was bad in her home state and so basically, she used him to start a new life. A really big red flag went off inside me when she told me that and not only is she a real downer and depressing to be around, so
I decided to back away from her.
Then she needed help getting somewhere the other day, and I'll admit, I've been pretty lonely and the prospect of having a new friend is appealing, so I went with her to take care of some important business matters. The whole time I felt like I was being manipulated. And not to mention exhausted from her constant negativity and woe.
When we returned to the house, the boyfriend's mother dropped in and was really nice to the "future daughter-in-law" but turned to me and gave me a dirty look. Then later that evening, her youngest son drops by my place completely drunk and belligerant and I almost call the police. My first instinct was to call his mom and tell her, but this has happened so many times before and my guess is that she would get upset with me for telling her (it's happened before).

I have had some very nice times with this woman in the past (she loooved to take me out shopping, for some reason), but I realize now it was all a front.
Now I feel like I want to completely remove myself from her and her family FOR GOOD, at least for a very long time. I'm just afraid of hurting people's feelings and I don't know how to go about it. I have a date with "future daughter-in-law" to go for a walk at a park this week, but if I want to do this, then I'm going to have to cancel on her and I'm really afraid of doing that.

What I'm wondering now is, what does it mean if I'm even putting myself in these situations to *begin* with? 'Door Mat' or 'Push-over' could be a couple of good terms to describe it. No one in their right mind would have anything to do with these people, and so I must be seriously deranged!!!

I feel really awful mentally right now. It's like a bunch of toxic stuff that was inside me for so long just hurled itself.

[Anna]

Hi,

You are experiencing growing pains, I think.

When I stopped drinking, I began to see myself in a different light. I had had no boundaries in my life, as far as my husband and kids, none at all. I had completely lost myself. I recognized the negativity in a couple of people in my life that you are talking about and I knew I had to get away from it too. You know that this family is bad for you, at least for now. This is a time when you need to focus on yourself and not worry about how other people feel. They are doing what they are doing, you need to take care of yourself.

For me, an amazing thing happened when I removed those two people from my life. Almost immediately, two wonderful, positive and spiritual people entered into my life. One became a dear friend, and one a role model for me. You are not closing a door by removing these people, you are opening another door.

[adore79]

Hi, I dont want to sound like I'm telling you what to do but this family seems very toxic and I think it is a good idea that you are thinking of cutting them out of your life completely. Even if the girl is cool she is still attached to the family. Finding new friends is hard but better than hanging around toxic people just because you already know them. Good luck.

Also, just a thought, but is she ends up marrying the addict, chances are that she is going to quickly realize that she made a mistake and you might be the only sober person around that she could go to for help, so keep that possiblity in mind.

[LaDita]

Thank you, this is very helpful to me. After I wrote this post I also realized when I am sober (even though I don't *feel* like it sometimes), alot of stuff from the past rises to the surface and it can be really terrifying. For years I drank to cover these feelings and these realities and now I am accepting that this is normal and ok to be going through this. I think my goal should be to live as drama-free as possible and take care of myself first and deal with the past issues as they come along with a clear head. The next time this woman calls me I am going to be totally up front with her. She might not get it, or her feelings might be hurt but it's better than me carrying around resentment and further damaging me. Thanks again!

[Anna]

That sounds like a good plan, LaDita!