*ZERO* sex drive?!

[TryingSoHard]

Anybody else out there just have ABSOLUTELY no sex drive whatsoever? I am so not into it right now that it's sad. Don't wanna talk about it, don't wanna think about it, CERTAINLY don't wanna DO it. Nothing is WRONG, I'm just plain NOT INTERESTED.

That happens with me from time to time, but it's been going on for about 4 months right now. We've had sex 2 or 3 times during that time (I consented, I just wasn't excited about it LOL) but I sure wouldn't have cared if we hadn't. And yeah... sex 3 times in 4 months... woo hoo.

Thankfully my husband is a good guy, and a patient guy, and we don't get in fights about this kind of thing and he never pushes me for sex. I'm just wondering WTF is up and how long this is going to last.

Anyone?

[fluer]

I hear ya! Weird isn't it? At first this really kinda freaked me out, because I am a very relational person, and I thought something might really be wrong with me! I was worried I was not normal, and might not ever be.

For me, it was(is) just a symptom of what is going on with me emotionally. After I stopped abusing and numbing myself with alcohol,etc.. I began feeling all kinds of different feelings. The weird part about the sexuality thing was, it was more an absence of any feeling at all! I just have so much energy going towards looking at other areas of my life, and my past, that I just sometimes am cut off from that aspect of myself for a time.

I don't know your past/family/relational history but for me there turned out to be alot of negative sexual experiences in my past that originated in my childhood. When I began to uncover these things it contributed periods of numbness from my sexuality as a whole.

Not to mention the sex that I may have been "ok" with as a user ,was for the most part, not the kinda sexual experience I wanted as a sober woman. And in the end it wasn't just how we were having sex that was no longer acceptable or desirable, but neither was the who I was having it with.

Overall my emotional and spiritual well being comes first now in my life and in my relationships, and if something is off, so is my sexdrive. It comes back though, and actually better than ever! All of me is now present ,and safe, and connected to the whole experience and it is great.

Much love to you-(and much sex to you when the time is right. Lol!)

[Philly]

TSh-

I am sitting at my desk at work smiling to myself right now. Are you my sister from another mother lol. It seems like you can say what is on my mind. Well I have no desire at all. I do accomodate my husband but that is about it. I am blaming my age not just my moods. I am 49 and quess I am starting to change life. I feel I could really do without it forever. I am giving it the old "and this too shall pass". I have gained about 10lbs since being sober so that doesn't help me either. I already go to the gym almost everyday so I joined weight watchers to try to shed the weight. I really am not liking myself very much right now.

Keep posting because I like seeing my thoughts in words so I can read the responses

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

I've written a few posts about this myself. What I've come to realize is this:

My spiritual life is the focus for me right now and so I think that my sex life has been bumped to the bottom of the list. I also think that reworking how I view and see sex has pushed the need way over to the "don't use it until you know how you want to use it" side.

That being said, I'd talk to you husband (if it's causing any problems) and ask for his patience. Hang in there and be patient with yourself too!

[Sugah]

As someone who used to use it to get what I wanted, I try to be careful with my motives when it comes to sex. For example, I live away from my husband five days a week, and when this living arrangement began, I felt like we had to have sex both Friday and Saturday nights--or he'd feel neglected. Then, I realized what that meant for me. I was trying to keep him happy with sex rather than love (and I'm not sure I'm real comfortable with how that came out, but anyway...). We talked about it, he assured me that he felt love whether we had sex both nights, one night, or not at all.

And, for the record, my sex drive has taken a dive since I went off of HRT (hormones) a couple of years ago. I'm barely out of the newlywed stage (married 3 1/2 years), and as such, I still assume that we're going to have sex at least three or four times a week (when we're together all week). And I want that--intellectually. I know that I feel physically better (lower pain) when we have sex. I do see sex as an expression of love, so I want to show my husband that kind of love (so long as that's not the only way I show him). But sometimes, I have to work for it! I finally talked to him about it, and he feels the same way!!! It was good for a laugh--and really took the pressure off both of us.

Just to qualify, I don't think that, married or not, anyone should feel obligated to have sex when she (or he) doesn't want to.

Oh, and Karen, regarding the focus being on spirituality--do you know anything about chakra meditation? Beginning at the "root" (organs of elimination), the object is to move up through the chakras, opening the channels. If you have risen above the sacral chakra (or splenic chakra), which includes, among other things, the sex organs, then perhaps, for a time, you've transcended the need for sex. Just a thought.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Latte]

I'm still trying to figure out where sex fits in my marriage so I'm no help. I've been clean and sober for almost two years. I just take it as it comes.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Um, I know nothing about chakra's Sug..but transcending above the sex part makes it sound pretty darn good! lol

[anvilhead]

there can be a lot of factors at play.......age, hormones, sudden life changes, hormones, mental energies diverted elsewhere.....first and foremost if you aren't in the mood, it should be ok for the "story" to end right there.....putting out just to keep up the quota is rather meaningless, eh?

as we age our bodies change and hormones (which i did intentionally list TWICE) can wreak havoc. at least MINE do. if you entering into the FUN ZONE known as Peri-Menopause, may God bless you and hide the sharp objects!!! one day you'll be googling the nearest sex toy outlet, and the next what the requirements are for entering the nunnery. your body might scream at you - WE WANT A BABY!!!! and you swear your ovaries are crying. two days later, if your husband dares to make that noise when he stretches which upsets the dog and gets him barking, you are CERTAIN it's grounds for justifiable homicide.

natural supplements help. estroven, vitamin B12. letting your husband know "it's NOT you, it's ME!" helps. giving time time helps. finding other outlets to express desire and affection helps.

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by anvilhead

there can be a lot of factors at play.......age, hormones, sudden life changes, hormones, mental energies diverted elsewhere.....first and foremost if you aren't in the mood, it should be ok for the "story" to end right there.....putting out just to keep up the quota is rather meaningless, eh?

as we age our bodies change and hormones (which i did intentionally list TWICE) can wreak havoc. at least MINE do. if you entering into the FUN ZONE known as Peri-Menopause, may God bless you and hide the sharp objects!!! one day you'll be googling the nearest sex toy outlet, and the next what the requirements are for entering the nunnery. your body might scream at you - WE WANT A BABY!!!! and you swear your ovaries are crying. two days later, if your husband dares to make that noise when he stretches which upsets the dog and gets him barking, you are CERTAIN it's grounds for justifiable homicide.

natural supplements help. estroven, vitamin B12. letting your husband know "it's NOT you, it's ME!" helps. giving time time helps. finding other outlets to express desire and affection helps.

Oh, my!! That's the best belly laugh I've had in a long time! You nailed it!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[SelfSeeking]

I just saw this thread... Oh where was it last summer?! This problem hasn't been a problem since September because that's when I moved away from my SO to go to school. But for the last YEAR my sex drive has been nonexistent unless I was drunk. I got a hormonal IUD placed (Mirena) and that's what seemed to kick start it. Accomodating my SO's sexual needs has been hell and it's lead to a lot of resentment on both of our parts. For a short while last spring, I could get really drunk and apparently demanded sex many times while I was blacked out. But then I just started passing out after my SO went to bed, then be hung over, and of course no sex would be had then. On the nights I didn't drink, I did NOT want sex. And TSH, I'm in my late twenties. I wish I was older and perimenopausal, at least then I would have a "real" reason.

I just got my IUD removed last week. I'm hoping that will wake things up Because I miss liking sex. Now that drunken sex is no longer had (soberx92 days!), I hope I can start experiencing good sober booty!

[vegibean]

I have no relationship (THANKFUL!!!) so therefore no sex drive. My marriage sucked the life right out of me, lol!!!

I know it's got to be some what normal to be going through though. I've heard a lot of other people mention the same thing. Good luck!!

[LaDita]

Loss of interest in sex during early sobriety is VERY common, from what I hear in recovery and experienced myself after I went to treatment the first and second time. I'm pretty sure it doesn't last forever, just think of it as your mind is working on other things right now and will get back to 'that' soon!

[Theresa]

I vote in on hormonal changes which can cause all sorts of problems, like anemia which can result from estrogen dominance and leads to heavy bleeding.

Another factor, for me, was/is re-learning how to get into the mood, be sexual, without first having a few glasses of wine. I realize I used wine to trigger my sexual appetite. Without the wine, I am slower to trigger!

[TryingSoHard]

I'm not pre-menopausal or anything but I sure have no interest in sex now that I'm sober. Sex for us has NEVER been something that causes fights or even debates. NEVER. Last Friday it came up in his laundry list of things that he's hurt and angry about (and I'm sure we just scratched the surface). It caught me off guard because - seriously - in 12 years together we have had not one single fight, disagreement, or even negative discussion about sex. It has just never been an issue for us ever. So when he threw that in on a discussion that already had me sobbing uncontrollably... I didn't know what else to say.

I've never been a fan of "putting out to keep up a quota" but I'm starting to feel like that's what I'm going to have to do. I don't want to because I know that leads to resentments and in the long run it won't really help anything. I just don't know what else to do right now.

Everything is just such a fkn mess.

[SelfSeeking]

That's what I was doing, TSH, just forced myself to put out a couple of times a week. It made me feel really bad- irritated, ashamed that I wasn't into it, all non-sexy feelings I don't have a solution, living several states away has thankfully put the issue on a backburner.
Ever read Savage Love, Dan Savage's sex advice column? He had some *interesting* suggestions. I'll paraphrase heavily because he's, uh, graphic. But basically he recommends NOT putting out "to meet quota" (lol), but, er, helping your partner out in other ways. I imagine it would have to involve a conversation that this is the new deal.
I hope these posters are right and this is an early sobriety thing.

*ahem* Men out of this forum please. :P

[TryingSoHard]

ROFL SS!!!!

MEN! This is the WOMEN'S forum!! Bad boys.

(I have not read any of Dan Savage's stuff, but I get the drift) LOL

[gneiss]

Geez. I thought it might just be me, stress or something. I'm at one month today sobriety-wise. I've been sorta dating a guy but my heart is not in it since my bf and I sort of split up out of convenience while we are both in early recovery and living apart. I figured it was because every time this guy I am sorta dating makes a move I keep thinking of bf (ok, please let's not discuss that. It's twisted enough and I've already let him know I'm just not interested but he persists). But... that does not seem to explain it entirely. I have never had a problem looking at a guy and going "He's hot." Lately it's been more like I notice that he might be aesthetically pleasing but I just don't care.

[SelfSeeking]

A sex drive is a complicated thing! So many things can mess with it- emotions, hormones, drugs. I had this IUD and I'm on an antidepressant. It better be an issue with the IUD because there's no way in he11 I'm touching my med!
Gneiss, that sounds like a complicated situation, I'm not surprised you're feeling "eh" about sex.

[TryingSoHard]

SS - LOTS of anti-depressants have loss of sex drive as a side effect. Sometimes it wears off after your body gets used to the med, sometimes it doesn't. Just really depends on you and the drug and all that. I was on Zoloft for a while several years ago and had no trouble with that. Changed to Celexa later and *poof*. I didn't like Celexa anyway so I didn't stay on it long, but I did notice that difference. I dunno anything about IUDs and sex drive but I wouldn't be surprised if it could have a similar effect.

But my gosh, yes... there are SO many factors that can mess with us women! Men seem to be such simple creatures when it comes to sex. It CAN be emotional for them but 98% of the time it's purely physical. Must be nice.

[Mariposa18]

TSH~ OMG, I just saw this!!! I swear Woman, get out of my head! lol Hubby and I have been intimate twice...TWICE! Since I got sober =( I just feel so self conscious. I've gained back weight that I previously lost (20 out of 38lbs), and my moods are so up and down that I feel no interest in sex. I feel so bad because Hubby is so understanding but I can assure you it's getting old!

I'm trying to feel better about myself and get back the intimacy we had. But it's difficult...

[jules67]

tsh, I have been so tired and cranky that I can't relax enough to think about intimacy.

Now that I am nearing three weeks sober I am feeling less moody but my fatigue comes and goes. My husband too is being understanding we are down to once a week or less.

I think that part of marriage is so important for us I am going to have to focus on it this week and make it fun and try to find a different time than at night to be intimate.

i always feel more connected to my husband when we are regular and we seem to get along much better.
jules

[TryingSoHard]

Mariposa, really now. This is going to have to stop. LOL We are living in parallel universes or something. I lost - are you ready for this? - 39 pounds. I've gained 10 back so far and am trying my darnedest to put a stop to that right now. I thought for sure once I quit drinking I'd LOSE weight but nope. It's creeping back up. I had finally gotten to a place where it didn't physically disgust me to look at myself in a mirror, and now I'm gaining again. *sigh*

I am starting to wonder if I will ever feel normal again.

[Emimily]

i have the opposite problem. i'm kind of a freak. BUT, a good safe clean one, so it's okay i guess.

as far as feeling sexy, go to yoga. for real. yoga makes me feel like the hottest girl on the block. shave your legs. paint your toenails. imagine you're beyonce or eva mendes or madonna or whoever, and go booty dance around yous house. hell, booty dance around your bathroom. when you're getting dressed, make sassy faces. write on your mirror "HELLO GORGEOUS!" be fabulous. and make your girly pals be fabulous too.

the number one best thing for me when i feel like sh!t about the way i look is to raise my eyebrows and tell myself i am WEARING that shirt/dress/pants/etc. and i feel better. i don't dress skeezy or slutty or anything, but i feel cute mostly, and a lot of it has to do with my dancey pants-ness and yoga and my girly pals being fabulous too.

[TryingSoHard]

What a totally awesome attitude! I am so jealous. I want to be in that place, I really do.

[allport]

The longer I have stayed away from alcohol the more my libido has come back, as a single woman this is not good.