"Embracing Pain"

[LaDita]

This post is sort of a spin-off of one I read last night written by someone who had been cut off by her best friend. This is about my "best friend" and I's relationship, the title will make more sense later. I just need to get this out, it will be the first time I have ever really spoken wholeheartedly about this situation.


My "best friend" and I have known each other since we were ten (22 years). And I've never fully related to her. She comes from an upper middle class 'normal' family and always had some kind of support whereas I come from a highly dysfunctional problematic one. She has alot of friends, a very free spirited life and I guess you could call her a "Trustafarian" (a term meaning someone who lives likes a hippie but has lots of money).
She's very feminist, into astrology and new-agey stuff whereas I am alot more pragmatic. She has no difficulty in finding a guy, and has had many very dysfunctional short-lived flings with men who are much older than her where I have had very few with men who were just as crazy but in different ways, yet she feels the men she's been with are superior of the "loser's" I've been with.
There was a time in our early twenties that she was behaving very stalker-ish and lashing out at men she was involved alot with which I thought was very unhealthy, but I think because I thought that she was always the "right" one, then I guess I could do it too. I picked up alot of this behavior and learned alot of tricks on stalking guys from her. In know way am I trying to blame her for my behavior, but I feel in many ways she has taught me to "embrace pain".

Our relationship has always been like a therapist to patient; I am the one always coming to her with my problems where she is the one "in control" and "together".
A few years ago she started doing some very strange things towards me; hooking up with my guy friends who I liked, acting very competitive and telling her friends and family *very* personal stuff about me and painting this picture of me to them that I was this alcoholic floozy/basket-case. In other words, she did every thing she could to be (or at least act) superior of me. One thing about her also, is that she has never had any other long-lasting close relationships with other women.

We had some major falling out's over this and it always ended up with her not seeing my view at all or apologizing, but gets extremely defensive and shouting at me and then profusely drowning me with "I love you, your my best friend". I have never been one to be very affectionate to the same sex, and there is something that feels very disingenuous and phony about saying that, especially when it comes from her.

She was just in town over the holidays and I did spend some time with her a couple of times but there was this unmistakable tension between us and it was especially awkward because it was around her family and not just the two of us like it usually is. She left without saying goodbye to me.
I could tell that we are drifting apart, but there was something really slap-in-the-face about that one. Then tonight I get a random text message from her saying, quite non-chalantly, that she's having alot of fun tonight in another town that she's passing through on her way home.

All I can say is, is that I feel very USED and I feel that she has been on this power-trip over me for the larger portion of our lives. I don't feel like I can continue to "play along" with her and act like nothing happened. Though everytime I tell her how I feel, she covers it up with this "I love you" band-aid and nothing really gets resolved or changes.

I feel it's really necessary for me to cut her off for once and for all, and start a new chapter in my life. I'm just not sure how to go about it. I've never been good at "absolutes", or maintaining the changes I've imposed on my life.

Alcoholism as also thrown a wrench in this as well; I'm not sure if she's really an alcoholic (she drinks often and sometimes to excess but doesn't black-out and knows when to stop) but her life is pretty much centered around alcohol and drinking-culture. Now it has added something new to our "Can't do together" list and a couple of times I feel she has kind of shoved that reality into my face; she has called me drunk, called me from bars, drank in front of me knowing full well how it made me feel and acts very condescending and treats me like a kid whose at a party their parents are having.

Has anyone ever been in this situation?

Thanks,

LD

[indigo]

I think if she is manipulating you like this and not giving you the respect you deserve than she isn't being a friend and if you can detach from her you can find healthier friendships with "true" friends. JMO I sorry things have worked out like this, still you come first.

[Sugah]

Sweetie, this doesn't sound like a friendship to me. It's some sort of relationship, but a friendship?

Here's my experience, however relevant:

I had a "best friend" who used to do similar things to me, and I allowed it. Maybe I wasn't strong enough to tell her to lay off, and maybe I wasn't so smart to keep going back for more. Over the years, we've helped each other when times were good, and I admit I lashed out at her in our adult years. I have no older friend than her (we've known each other 35 years), but we have very little contact now.

After I made amends to her for the my wrongs in the relationship, we tried to patch things back together. She didn't reciprocate in the amends process -- nor did I expect her to or develop any new resentments because she didn't. She just figured it was old news, kid stuff. Most of what she "did" to me happened in our childhood and teens.

One thing I did expect was her love and support now that I'm living my life differently. I didn't get that. I wasn't expecting a pat on the back, but some sort of happiness for me, you know? It was almost as if she preferred me to be the crazy one, the fck-up, the one moving from one dysfunctional relationship to another. Now that I'm married to an educated, intelligent, loving man and I'm full-steam ahead with my education and career, it's like there's nothing for us to talk about. I guess it's possible that she lost her sense of superiority.

Because she's such an old friend, I did have hopes that we could find a way to be "grown up" friends, but that's just not happened, so I've eventually come to accept that seasons change and roses die.

I'm sorry, LaDita.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[lizw]

I've had a similar thing happen over the last few months with a friend I've had for about 5 years. I wouldn't say she was my 'best friend' but a very close one.

I haven't spoke to her since last October after she accused me of not inviting her to my birthday party. (Serious) I had sent a bulk email and for whatever reason she did not receive it and I did send it to her also, I checked.

I have thought about calling her and trying to sort it out but it seems like too much of an effort to be honest. She has a lot of problems and I have a lot of problems and when you put together 2 people with a lot of problems you get a seriously screwy relationship.

My tendecy is to get involved in dependent relationships with friends as well as boyfriends, and 2008 for me has really been about not doing this and developing a deeper dependence on God and being responsible for myself and meeting my own needs.

I can't say that learning about this stuff has been very pleasant but it certainly has a feeling of freedom attached to it.

[TryingSoHard]

LaDita, I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through with your "best friend". My heart hurt for you as I read your post.

I've not been in a situation like that yours, but I can relate to certain aspects of your post. But this isn't about me, it's about you, and you deserve so much better than that, ESPECIALLY from someone who claims to LOVE you and be your best friend!

Sugah is very wise and made some very good points. This is a "relationship" but it is NOT a friendship. If this woman is not supporting you in your efforts to stay sober, be healthier, and have a better life - but is instead being condescending, insulting, and using it AGAINST you - then IMO you have no choice but to cut those ties and move on. I know it will be difficult, but I imagine you will feel relieved and a bit free once it is over.

It doesn't have to be a big dramatic event. It doesn't have to be something you worry about and stress over. Just make up your mind that you are not going to let her manipulate you, mistreat you, and bring all this negativity into your life anymore, and then stick to it. If you have a discussion with her about it, it doesn't have to be long and drawn out and drama-filled. She really has no part in it. Nothing she says should be able to affect your decision or your actions anymore. It should just be a simple, matter-of-fact statement, and that's that.

(Sounds easy, huh?) ;-)

Hugs, lady.

[Anna]

LaDita,

There is no reason for you to play along, as if nothing happened.

As others have said, you deserve better.

As Carol often says, "Some friendships are not forever".

[vegibean]

After reading all of your post it sounds like you two have just plain grown apart. If I were in your shoes, I might be looking on the greener and greater side of it all.

[LaDita]

I haven't talked to her since she left. Then earlier tonight I saw that she was online (we have the same Instant messenger on our email provider) and I thought 'what the heck, I'll just say hi'. So I said hi and asked how she was doing.
Well as usual, she said was 'too busy to talk' and asked me to call her tomorrow. Then I saw that she remained online well after we had signed off.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I am sick of getting the run around and chasing after her all the time. I long since realized this is a game she is playing with me (much like playing hard-to-get) but now this is ridiculous. I'm not sure whether to call or not. Who knows, at this rate, she probably won't answer or give me the run-around once more.
:wtf2

[Bamboozle]

Friends (or sometimes enemies) come and go...one I had I knew for about 20 years (childhood friends)...we haven't spoken in about 3-4 years. She was an emotional bully...it's best for me that I don't speak to her anymore. I put up with her crap for years.

I hope she's doing well in life...I honestly don't wish her ill...and I hope she's grown up a bit.

LaDita, hold your true friends close and dump the rest. It's not easy, but some people use your kindness as a weakness. Don't let them.

[Mariposa18]

LaDita~ It's hard to let go when you care about someone like you obviously care for this person. But here's the thing, it looks like she doesn't give you back that love, kwim? I had a "Friend" like this, we knew each other since we were 10, one of the first friends I had when I moved from my hometown to where I currently live. To make a long story short and not hijack your thread, I noticed her behavior towards me was not one of a caring friend, but a toxic one. I called her, told her "I love you and wish you the best, but our friendship is no longer healthy for me. I just can't do it anymore" That was the last time I spoke to her and it's been over 10 years.

I still miss her, but not how she made me feel. If you feel this relationship is worth salvaging, talk to her. But it sounds like she is toxic, therefore she will compromise your sobriety, I can promise you that. Friends don't call you a drunk and throw you under the bus like that! That's crap...

Take care of YOU Sweetie~

[Katie09]

Originally Posted by LaDita

I haven't talked to her since she left. Then earlier tonight I saw that she was online (we have the same Instant messenger on our email provider) and I thought 'what the heck, I'll just say hi'. So I said hi and asked how she was doing.
Well as usual, she said was 'too busy to talk' and asked me to call her tomorrow. Then I saw that she remained online well after we had signed off.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I am sick of getting the run around and chasing after her all the time. I long since realized this is a game she is playing with me (much like playing hard-to-get) but now this is ridiculous. I'm not sure whether to call or not. Who knows, at this rate, she probably won't answer or give me the run-around once more.
:wtf2

This does not sound like the kind of friendship I would want. I wouldn't talk to her after her telling you she was "too busy to talk" and for YOU to call HER then next day and then her staying online. You deserve better friends