Women's Step Studies Step 3

[ananda]

OK...I'm gonna start typing girls

it'll take a while and then I think i'll wait to post my thoughts till later in the week....

[ananda]

Step Three deals with three issues: control, surrender, and decision making. In step One we lwerned taht there are many things in life we can't control. In step two we entertained the possiblity that we might not have to control everything, because there is something or someone good in the universe we can trust. In step three we decide to act on that possiblity. We decided to let this spiritual power guide our live rather than trying to control life ourselves.

Giving up control (or letting go) of the things we can't and don't have to control involves learning several skills. The first is the skill of wisdom: recoggnizing the difference between things we can change and things we can't. The second is the skill of surrender. Surrrender is different from submission to a force that wants to control us. Many of us know how to either control or be controlled gby someone, but surrender--opening ourselves to the guidance of a good guide without falling under someone's control--may be a new expereince. The third skill deals with making wise decisions. Many of us feel relatively comfortable making decisions in our roles as mothers, workers, and hoiusehold-keepers, but we lack confidence in making decisions to care for our ineer selves. Others of us are unaccustomed to being decisive in any area of our lives.

In this chapter you will learn about control and practice the skills of wisdom, surrender and decision making. You may have spent many years building your control muscles; now you will start building your "turning it over" muscles.

[ananda]

lets all read that and actually think about it a while...then we can look at the secttions with questions....

I'll post the first section question now, and then wait a few days to post the next....yes...you will need to pm or visitor message me on wednesday to remind me to post next section on thursday....


oooops that will be christmas eve....bad idea

I will post 2nd question on thursday after i get home from my folks house....

People can always catch up on the sections after the holidays...there are 4 sections..so this may take a while...better slow and thourough i thnk

[ananda]

Step III . Section I
Control

As much as we might want to control what other people and the rest of the world do, we can't. The truth is we can be responsible only for ourselves--our own actions and attitudes. Everything else is beyone our control. In AA we hear the serintiy prayer:
God crant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

1. Look back at your lists in question 3 of step on. there you listed some things you can control and some things you can't. Using the serenity prayer as your guide, check your lists. Would you move anything from one column to the otehr? Can you think of anything you might add?

Try to add three mre things that you can't control and three more things you can. Rember you CAN control your own actions and attitudes.

Quote: I think proably ninety perscent of life is beyond our control--the weather, other people, happenstance......I worry that things will happen tomy daughter, but there's only so much I can do. I can lock the household poisons in a cabinet, but I can't control a drunk driver who runs a red light. Worrying about uncontrollable things just robs us of the time we have---Julia

[HideorSeek]

Thanks (((((Ananda)))))) for your tireless committment to us here and SR in general! I, too, will give this the thought that it deserves and be back...hugs to everyone!

[Jomey]

Hi Nands - Great work, AGAIN!!!! I will think on this too and post soon. I have stuff in my workbook,but as I read over it, I see I have grown past some of it and need to work more on some things I was so sure of in early recovery! So much to learn! Great stuff!

Love
Jomey

[Anna]

I really had no idea how much of a control-freak I was until I began recovery.

I would have called myself organized, efficient, dependable, but not a control-freak.

The truth is, I was holding on so tightly to my little world- to my kids, my husband, that it was ridiculous. As my kids became teenagers, it was hopeless. I was completely exhausted and depressed. I was so afraid of losing control and what would happen, if I wasn't on top of everything, I fell apart.

I have talked about Mia Farrow's book "What Falls Away" before and the idea of the title was so intriguing to me. When I first looked at the book, I didn't get it at all. I thought if anything fell away from me and my control, I'd be lost. As it turned out, I didn't have much choice, because I could no longer hold on to everything. What fell away from me, was what I couldn't control. What was left, was my soul, me.

[ananda]

Wish I didn't have to work....looking forward to posting tonight...Yes....each step gives new meaning to my life and changes as I move forward in sobriety...

(hug)

[Horselover]

Originally Posted by ananda

Step III . Section I
Control

As much as we might want to control what other people and the rest of the world do, we can't. The truth is we can be responsible only for ourselves--our own actions and attitudes. Everything else is beyond our control. In AA we hear the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."

1. Look back at your lists in question 3 of step on. there you listed some things you can control and some things you can't. Using the serenity prayer as your guide, check your lists. Would you move anything from one column to the other? Can you think of anything you might add?

Try to add three more things that you can't control and three more things you can. Remember you CAN control your own actions and attitudes.

Quote: I think probably ninety percent of life is beyond our control--the weather, other people, happenstance......I worry that things will happen to my daughter, but there's only so much I can do. I can lock the household poisons in a cabinet, but I can't control a drunk driver who runs a red light. Worrying about uncontrollable things just robs us of the time we have---Julia

Old list -

Things I can't control/have no power over -

1. How people react towards me.
2. How others treat me.
3. Getting sick. - this one I might be able to move to the other column by taking better care of myself and thereby, preventing sickness before it occurs.
4. What people think of me.
5. My addiction to alcohol.

Things I can control/have some power over -

1. The way I react to people.
2. How I treat others.
3. Treating the body well so I can heal faster.
4. What I think of myself.
5. Eliminating the alcohol from my life.

New list -

Things I can't control/have no power over -

1. The way other people live.
2. Life's disappointments that happen to my son.
3. Whether my husband takes care of his diabetes or not. This is very hard for me, but I do realize I try to take it on and I become very manipulative by trying to shame him. "We need you to be around for us and so you have to start taking care of this." I also become very angry. This is an area I need lots of work on turning it over.


Things I can control/have some power over -

1. Creating a healthier enviornment for my family so they have a chance at good health.
2. Growing spiritually for myself.
3. Making my mind and body healthier.

[hope3]

Hi all,

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (controll) (others & outcomes)

The courage to change the things I can (myself, my attitudes & actions)

The wisdom to know the difference (wisdom = Faith & Higher Power)

Living one one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time

taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it

knowing that He will make all things right if I serender to His will

so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy

in the next - with Him,

Amen.....

Happy Holidays and may you all find peace and serenity

in the now of life........

Hope and Love, Hope3

[Jomey]

but surrender--opening ourselves to the guidance of a good guide without falling under someone's control--may be a new expereince

That is an amazing quote. I have never been able to see "surrender" so clearly. Light bulb moment for Jomey! LOL

[lizw]

This is great. I did this in Al Anon when I first started attending there and got a sponsor. They call it step 1.

3 lists
- things I can't control
- things I can control
- things I'd like to control

Obviously the last and the first end up looking very similar. : )

After going over this with my sponsor, for the first time in my life I saw that it was trying to control things that I had no control over, that made my life unmanageable, when previously I thought it was the 'things'. I.e. the person or situation I was in.

I'm a good one for declaring the problem lies outside of myself, instead of with my own atitudes and behaviors.

[HideorSeek]

Ok, here I go...Thanks HL...I like your format!!!!

What I can't control:

I can't control what I do once I drink
I can't control what my family makes of my sobriety
I can't control My childrens' lives, my husband's eating habits (he's a diabetic too, HL...)
I can't control the urge to drink
I can't control what others think of me

What I can control:

Since I can't control alcohol in any amount, I CAN control my behavior by making the decision NOT to drink.

Since I can't control my family's reaction to my sobriety (not enough recognition for my success, taking on some additional responsibilty to reduce my stress levels), I can seek other support for my sobriety: myself, AA, SR and I can take to initiative myself and ask for support from them, ask for help with stress provoking issues.

I can't control my children's choices, but I can ask them questions to ask of themselves, I can have faith that we have raised them well, I can have faith that things will unfold the way that they are meant to.
I can't control my husband's health choices nor my anger that I am taking care of MY health, so he should do the same. I can recognize that, just like me with my alcoholism, he must make the decision for himself and that no amount of cajoling, sniping or resentment is going to change him. The ONLY thing I can do is to insure that there are healthy foods in the house.

I can't control the urge to drink, but I can remember the consequences of my drinking, change my patterns and associations with alcohol, recognize my personal growth in sobriety, help others in need of support, fulfill my need to escape, deaden, avoid with activities that produce similar feelings of euphoria like meditation and exercise.

I can't control what others think of me, but I can control what I think of myself. I can feel good about my growth, my connection with God, my increasing sense of inner peace, my personal integrity. When I am connected to my inner self, I KNOW that I am on the right path for me.

I think this sounds sort of muddled, but hopefully you get my gist...
Thanks for being out there and happy holidays to all!

[Horselover]

Totally got it Hideorseek and I think you stated things very nicely. The diabetic husband not taking care of himself is something we have in common and boy, I can identify with the part of I'm taking care of my health and he should be too. I, in fact, said something to this effect to him. He has started snacking more on veggies or at least was before the holidays. I am hoping we will all eat healthier after the holidays. I even got a How to cook Vegeterian meals cookbook for Christmas. I need to learn healthier cooking techniques myself.

[SerenityGirl]

The Serenity Prayer is finally starting to sink in, I've said it for many years without really understanding it..There are many things and people that I used to think I could change, but am slowly accepting that I cannot change..what a relief..I CAN ONLY CHANGE MYSELF.
I cannot change my husband or how he reacts
I cannot change my children (they have to find their own way.
I cannot change the past
I cannot change how other people feel about me.
I cannot change reality

[lizw]

Great thread?

Dunno if this is over in the ACOA forum but at the treatment centre I went to we use to have ACOA meetings and they had slightly changed the serenity prayer so that when we read it, it said

God grant me the serenity, to accept the people I can not change
Courage to change the person I can
and the wisdom to know that person is me.

[HideorSeek]

does anyone mind if I keep going on this???

Page 26....

Surrendering our will and our lives over to a HP is very different from waiting to be rescued by a male authority who will take care of us as long as we behave. Surrender is simply letting go of our need to control, releasing ourselves into the stream of life and trusting we will be held afloat.

(two exercises: one involving making a fist (imagining it as a problem we are facing, and then releasing the fist). Describe the experience.
2nd: Draw a picture of yourself controling something, then one of you submitting to someone else's control and 3rd, draw yourself surrendering...

4. We often need to surrender one day or one hour at a time. What are two things that help you surrender?

[HideorSeek]

5. Decision making:

Many of us have never learned to make wise decisions, here is a process you can use for any decision...

Choose an area of your life you want to consider turning over to the care of your HP and
a.write it down (ie my relationship with my SO).

b. focus on how you have been behaving in this area of your life. Remember that you can make decisions only about what YOU will do. As you look at yourself, what do you observe about YOUR BEHAVIOR?


(I'm doing a little editing here as I am afraid I will be timed out)....

[Anna]

I am thinking about this and hope to be able to write something in the next day or so.