Being friends with women.

[Nors]

It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to make friends with women, still haven't. I just have the hardest time trusting. Not that I'm not capable of it at all, I have had a few in the past 10 years or so since I've been trying to live a life with out alcohol. But maybe just 3 or 4 that I felt good with. I just really clash with the same sex. Does anyone besides myself have this problem?

[phoenix]

Yup...I struggle with that too.I just never felt like I had that much in common with other women.Not much into makeup or fashion,or shopping all day.And yes...I know I'm stereotyping here

I like my motorcycle,and my parrots,reading a good book,or going to Pow Wows.I listen to Native American,and Irish music along with a broad range of other types.And I'm lousy at small talk,don't get into gossip...and besides,I'm terribly shy.

Message boards are easier in a way,but they do have their limits.I am discovering that other women can be fun to spend time with.Recently I rode from Kansas back home to MI with a lady rider from Canada.What a blast we had!!!! And I'm getting to know some Christian Motorcycle Association people.Some of those women ride their own.I think I will always be a bit of a loner.It's just my nature.I do think it's just fine to have a small circle of good friends,rather than a huge crowd.

phoenix

[Nors]

It's nice to hear a woman into something besides shopping, dressing up, make-up, gossiping, well, you know, not to stereotype too much either, but it does seem so common. I like snowboarding, camping, hiking, playstation2, southpark, action movies, being goofy, all music. I like shopping, but not stylish or into makeup too much, and hair styling. Gossiping is weird. Small talk is boring. I just feel a lot more myself around men.
I am planning to start going to a womans only meeting, to try to get closer to women, I just hope it's not too uncomfortable. I don't want to be all alone cuz everyone has to be in their little circles together, unlike men.

I sure can relate to you, Nors. I had a terrible time trusting anybody, especially women, and couldn't find a sponsor because of it. I'd go to meetings, hang out with the guys, and shun the women.

Then HP put a women's meeting in my path -- only one I could get to on a Wednesday! Boy, there were some tough bananas in that bunch, but they were strong, sober and honest. I learned to love them fiercely, and found a wonderful woman to be my sponsor. She's still my sponsor today, over ten years later!

In that meeting, I learned to drop the facade and accept myself for who I am -- assets, defects and all. Once I could do that (and it took plenty of Step work, believe me!) it was much easier to accept others, both men and women, for who THEY are.

Today I sponsor six brave and beautiful women. I wouldn't trade their friendship for all the alcohol in the liquor store. My message is, give yourself time to get to know and love yourself first. Then check out the other women in the program, and listen to some stories. You may find a friend for life.

[DolphinBlue]

I was petrified of women for a long time. I had trouble trusting them because it was women who had hurt me the most in my life. Also, I am naturally a loner who finds superficial relationships tedious and a great sapper of energy for me and I imagined that most women were superficial.

When I realised that I needed to get out of my comfort zone and make some female friends, I found myself imagining that I would need to endure endless gossip, small talk and the discussion of shoes to be the highlight of my life. I've always been a tomboy and never got into fashion, hair, shopping, that kind of stuff. Also, I wasn't looking forward to being stabbed in the back and thought I would need to guard myself constantly.

Well the pain of observing myself manipulating men over and over again and selling myself short for the attention and feeling of safety they gave me, forced me to start hanging out with women. For a while I didn't talk to men at all, just a hello. Now, I enjoy talking to the fantastic women I've met and its little effort to meet new ones. I realised that I felt safe around men because I knew how to manipulate them and women, I knew, would see through that.

So, I now enjoy that the women in my life can relate to what's going on with me. Before, it scared me because what was going on was manipulation. I still get scared and worry that I'll be hurt by women, but choosing to get to know women I like and enjoying their company has slowly given me the confidence to open up to them. I too have been able to look closely at myself and share my deepest secrets and desires with friends I trust. I know I couldn't do this with men.

Amy

[SkyIsFalling42]

Wow you ladies really made me think on this one.
My opinion on women friends is that it seems like women get caught up in the "sexy" stuff or the mom of the year stuff or the better homes and gardens stuff. And it seems as though they are always pitted against each other this way. This kind of society tends to cause women to be so competitive. I have watched my aunt do this for many many years. If someone says my potato salad is good..I make sure to tell her how very good her ham was. She does not like it if someone makes something good. If she could just look at the whole meal, she would see that together it is perfect.
This seems crazy to me..that there are so many different ways that women tend to be competitive with each other. Why? Men are not competitive with us, usually are not fond of gossip.

Phoenix, I did not know you are shy!
I have no use for gossip at all, and im not one for long bouts of shopping. I am a brush my hair and go person and love to dress frumpy and hate to dress up most of the time.
Im usually the one sitting there listening to everyone else because i do not know what to say. I hate parties and such. I too tend to be a loner..I just like my space so much.

[Nors]

That's exactly it, the way you all explained everything, the competiveness (So ridiculous!), comparing each other all the time, having to feel like you have to look so good all the time, and sexy. And really having to watch your back all the time! Always feeling So judged, instead of just having fun and enjoying each other for who they are. I just don't get it!
Dolphinblue, Im at the stage of thinking of not looking forward to the watching my back, getting judged every second, feeling the discomfort. But you are right, it has to do with just not being able to manipulate.
My councilor told me that the reason why in AA sponsors have to be the same sex so that people that are co-dependent have a harder time manipulating, and they are forced to deal with being real.
I really hope I can learn to get close to another woman or two without having to feel so uncomfortable.

[DolphinBlue]

Hi Nors,

There are great women around who look after themselves because they like to, not because of competition. They are honest and open instead of backstabbing, like I thought they all would be. I looked for women who I thought seemed interested in being themselves and loving it.

I have 2 close female friends and I'm more than happy with just the 2. It wasn't easy for me and it was something I just had to do and not expect too much from. Well worth the effort, though.

Good luck,
Amy

[SkyIsFalling42]

I agree with Dolphin...there are women who are real, open and honest. I would look for someone who is confortable being who they are..and who has no trouble giving compliments or encouraging, open, honest feedback to others. Someone you can identify with and take and give with.
Looking after ourselves is not competitive at all. Its when and if we compare ourselves to each other that causes ill feelings.
With me, the feelings of being judged come from inside because of my childhood and past experiences. And if and when I judged by someone and stabbed in the back (so to speak) it hurt five times the amount that it should have. All the years of pain came together at one time.
I believe that you will find someone you can relate to and trust. And you will find what you seek.

[Nors]

I think I can too, I just have to open up, which is going to be hard, but I need friendship, I realize that now. It's lonely not having someone to share experiences with and helping each other understand each other, like you two. Not to sound mean, but I really didn't think I can talk to another woman this deep, but then again, it's a bit easier on the net I guess. My poor husband can't take this kind of talking all the time, I drive him crazy sometimes. Thanks again!

[SkyIsFalling42]

Oh I really hear ya about the man thing!! I really envy my man..he is so easy going and uncomplicated. It just seems like we are stuck with all of these hormones, moods, issues
We complicate us so much!! Help!! save me from myself!! LMAO
Our differences are so very evident in the closet and bathroom. He only needs about 1/4 of the closet..while I pile the rest full and still have "nothing to wear". he only needs a small area on the shelf in the bathroom, the rest of that shelf in mine..along with all the other shelfs And ive go this purse thing..??? I like to use different purse alot!! I think its a mood thing?
Yeah men are nice for comfort, but understanding?? I dont know..their understanding can go only so far. And I cant explain things to him when i dont fully understand them myself. Oh ramble ramble...Im rattling again..see ya later

[Nors]

It is that way in our house too. The clothes, shoes, bath stuff. And sometimes I wonder why I bought certain things, what was I thinking. It has to be moods. He on the other hand is very easy going, gets right to the point with things, doesn't need any comforting for anything, except when he's sick (he becomes a real baby)
There is a lot of dealing with emotional issues being a woman. And just think, it will probably just gets harder cuz of the change of life time (menopause), and everything that comes with that. Seems like the challenges are more with myself than with the world.
Well, hopefully I can get some peace and happiness at least for a while.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Im saying amen to the peace and happiness!! Oh bite your tongue girl!! UUGGH dont want to think about the menapause thing:p Oh lord one day at a time!! please!!

[Nors]

One day at a time! I have to keep telling myself that.
I do tend to live in the past and future more than the present.

[SkyIsFalling42]

We can remind each other..boy I dislike those tendencies of mine!!

[bubblze30]

This post is to let you ladies know you gave me the encouragement that I needed to post my own post. Thanks so much and keep doing what your doing for if you feel you are not helping . You have helped me today..Good day and keep clean.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Together we are such awesome women!!