Birthday depression

[wakowife]

i'm having a real hard time for the past week, my mom's birthday is approaching ( aug 8) she would have been 63 years old, and i just am having a real hard time understanding why she is gone, i hate the factr that she is no longer with us, and there is just so many things that i wish i had said to her. there will be so many missed occassions, that she would have loved to have been part of. i also have so much guilt about her death, if only i hadn't gone to the doctor that morning maybe just maybe she would still be here with us today. then last night i was feeling really bad about it and i got a phone call from my brother accuseing me of settleing the lawsuit that my mom had going and not shareing it with him. the truth of the matter is that i haven'teven received a court date yet, but he had the nerve to acuse me of this anyway just because i am the execuator of the estate. then out of nowhere he tells me that he cant put up with my drug addict attitude and that he has had enough. this is the same guy that has been smoking crack for about 20 years and put my mom thru absolute hell through out the years, there were plenty of times that she had to run to my house in the middle of the night because of him, she had her car towed on more than one occassion because he would get tickets on it and not tell her, and then when she was in the hospital this last time, he was in a detox for about 3 weeks, and everyday he would call and torture her,just days before she passed he told her that when he got out he would see her in wheelchair or dead. i had to have a guard outside her hospital room just to make sure that he didn't get into the hospital. there is just so much that i can take, and i cant believe what he said to me, i have been absoutely awful about her death all along and now that her birthday is approaching it seems like i'm getting more and more depressed, and i am chopping everyone's head off without meaning to. i just cant accept it, they say it's supposed to get easier with time, well she is gone since valentines day and it's just getting harder and harder. i cant even imagine what a mess i'm going to be on the 8th if i'm this bad right now. i cant imagine even trying to get thru the day. i'm going to need so much support that day, especially after my husband goes to work and i'm left alone all night with my thoughts,..
thanks for both listenign and letting me vent

Bernadette

[SkyIsFalling42]

Hang in there little buckaroo..you'll be alright!!

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother..it is tremendous.

[2stop]

~Bernadette~ I am so sorry for the pain and grief you're going through..I want to reach through this screen and give you a big hug. Virtual ones will have to do, I'm afraid. Let yourself feel the emotions and acknowledge them and don't feel guilty for grieving. we have to grieve to heal sweetie~ I have you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Chy]

Hi B,

I understand your pain. I have been grieving for my father who passed 20 years ago in June. Though I often get on the pity pot I know he is at peace and must get rid of my selfish desires of wanting him back. He died suddenly after having his check up that very day, was given a clean bill of health as he had minor heart attacks the previous years. I miss him terribly as he was the light of my life. I must stop now, I can't talk about it anymore, I know your grief. I haven't found time to be very helpful for me, I hope it is for you.

My dad's Birthday was Valentines day. I'll say a prayer for you moms as well.

[wakowife]

thanks to everyone for there support, i keep dreaming about her, and as the day gets closer i'm feeling her loss more and more, i explained to my husband how i have been feeling and believe it or not he is actually being supportive, and he has promised not to leave me alone at all that day. i'm just so afraid that i wont be able to take it and i will cave in to the pain and then look for the way out.

god please me on my side and help me get thru this.

Bernadette

[2stop]

~Bernadette~ God is on your side sweetie, and He will help you through. We will be here for you too. It has to be so hard for you, but honey you can make it through okay? Grieving is really hard work, and it's not easy, not one bit..but you do have the strength my dear, I know you do. And you can give your mom the greatest birthday gift, staying sober through the pain..sending love and prayers your way.

[wakowife]

i think that the hardest part, when my brother died i didn't let myself grieve at all, and now i find that i try to push the memory of there death's out of my head, and it just doesnt work, i'm back to no greiveing again, and i'm afraid that if i dont let it out soon, it's all going to catch up to me. but thanks for the words of encouragement

Bernadette

[2stop]

Do you think you could get to a grief counselor? I hate to see you suffer like this.

[wakowife]

that's the whole thing i'm in such denial about her being gone, that i haven'teven looked for a berevament group or anything like that. i have to see my psych on tuesday and hopefully i will have the courage to discuss this with her, but there is just so much depression that when i start to think or talk about it all i do is wind up in sucha hysterical state that i start to have panic attacks, one right after the other. i just dont know of anyway of coping with all of this.

Bernadette

[2stop]

Maybe being in a group of other grieving people would help? I understand what you are saying though about even the thought making you panicky. I wish I knew a way to help you with this. Just please know I pray for you, okay?

[wakowife]

thanks, i think this is one of those things that no matter how much people try to help, you just have to give it time, i know when i think about my brother is still hurts so much, but it's a different type of pain now, and now i can talk about him with out welling up with tears all the time. the pain is still there it never leaves you, but it's just different. but thanks so much for being there for me, it does help just to know that someone is out there listening.

Bernadette

[2stop]

~Bernadette~ Sending ya a {{{HUG}}}.

[wakowife]

you are always so kind, thank you and i'm sending one back to you, how are YOU feeling these days, haven't really heard about you for awhile, is everything going ok now. i start group thearpy next monday, it's called dbt group, hopefully i will get something out of it. although the meds that i'm on now really are helping, i can see the difference, i not so angry all the time and i'm not looking to run anymore, now if i could just get rid of the damn depression, i would be ok.

many hugs to you

Bernadette

[2stop]

I am doing pretty good Bernadette, starting to really feel some confidence build back up..thanks for asking. You just hang on dear, you are doing good, it just feels so rotten to work through all this stuff, I understand. The depression is a b*** for sure, but it will slowly get better as you work through everything. Please be patient with yourself, okay? It's so difficult doing what you are doing. I know you're going to make it though!!

[wakowife]

i'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better, i was really worried about you, especially when all you wanted to do was run, i'm glad that yo decided to stick around, your family needs you, no matter what shape you might be in, i gonna let you in on a little secret, no matter how upset they get with us, it's pretty obvious that they do care, because if they didnt , they wouldnt have stuck around this long and put up with all our s***, you know what i mean, they might not always show it, but lets face it we havent been exactly easy people to live with,
yesterday we were out shopping and my daughter was with us and as we were going to get something to eat , i announced that i had forgotten to take my meds and that someone needed to remind me when we got back home, my daughter got very quiet and then asked me " mom, does this mean that you are going to disappear again, or does this mean that you are going to be crazy all day today?" it startled me to hear that come from her, it's then i realized that i must have really shaken her up in the past even though she never really talked about it. i had to reassure her that i was going to be fine and that i would take my meds as soon as we got home, my husband did a better one than that, he turned the car around and we came back home just so that i could take my meds and she would feel better about the mood i might be in, then we went out for breakfast. sorry i went off with that but my point is that even though we dont think our kids know or feel what's going on, they obviousely take notice.
take care of you for a change and the rest will follow and i'm here for you anytime you need to talk.

hugs and hugs

Bernadette

[2stop]

Thank you Bernadette, You are so right with all you posted!! If all our sh** ain't run em off yet they must truly truly care at a very deep level. God help us all is what I say!! I'm so glad you're a part of my recovery.

[wakowife]

the feeling is mutual, i couldn't get though many nights, and you have helped me thru all o f them. saying thank you just isn't enough, so i will say a prayer for you, big hugs to you

Bernadette

[ButterflyChaser]

Bernadette...I'm so sooooo sorry bout your Mom. I can't even imagine what it's like to loose someone close to me. Great Big ((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))) to you! Speaking of August....my daughter's b-day is Aug 12th. She'll be 6. I bet your Mom was a great person with the best attitude, Leo's are like that! hahahaha
We are all here for you!

Kepp the Faith!!!!