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Old 11-08-2008, 05:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy Trying to recover and dealing with ANGRY Husband

Five days sober today. Was a busy day thank goodness. just got home a bit ago, husband is here, but he is so angry over my last drink episode that he wants me out, I am not leaving as I really have nowhere to go. He is ignoring me, being mean to me. He is a controlling man to begin with and now with his power he has he is putting me thru anything he can to hurt me. It is hard when I know that being a drunk is bout as bad as one can be, but I so wish he had a clue how hard it is to deal with and how no support is a killer. I think he might be trying to push me over the edge. I want to know if others husbands support their alcoholic wife or do they resent and hate them for not being able to just give it up and be normal just like that. Life can really be horrid at times. I have had to forgive for his lying, his cheating numerous times, abuse from his daughter, his treating me like his kid infront of his daughter. I could go on and on...I am getting on my knees every morning and night, praying to my higher power for help and strength and most of all, guidance. Just like to know how other women in same situation have it at home....would like to know how you handle it.
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Old 11-08-2008, 05:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi,

I'm glad you posted.

When I finally stopped drinking my kids were very angry with me and my husband had had enough. I really was on my own. My family wanted me to get better, but they didn't want to be involved in any way. They believed it was my problem and I had to fix it. It was the loneliest time of my life. In the end, I had to recover for myself.

I am sorry that you have to go through this, but know that you can do it. Focus on yourself and do what is right. Your family will see the change.
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Old 11-08-2008, 05:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Mine divorced me but from what I read, you sound a lot like what I was going through. It's really not good for you either. THAT'S going to drive you to use again.......JMO!!!!

I don't care how bad you think you screwed up, him being abusive in any form is WRONG!!!! I would call an abuse hotline if you can, explain the situation, tell them you need help, let them know you have an addiction problem and that you're going through this. You need some help and support right now. My husband was doing the same thing, the lying, cheating, etc............no good!!!!! Then you're the one that gets kicked????

PM me if you need to. DO NOT let this get so bad that you are totally stuck. :ghug

You can do this!!!!!!
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Old 11-08-2008, 05:52 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I have nothing to offer because Vegibean and Anna said it all. I do hope you will get help for yourself. You deserve a good life. Its alcoholism it isn't a weakness, but a disease that you can recover from. Please get help!:ghug3
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Old 11-08-2008, 06:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for youir responses. I want to make it this time more then anything, for me..it used to be for him,,but it is for me only now..and i know that..i can feel that i will die soon if i continue, sick sense i guess, I want to live and see if I can be happy again someday. Hurts that he can be like this when I have told him how hard it is and so sorry for the relapse, i truly did't want to, and regret is so much........It is so comforting to hear from you all, nice to know I am not the only one or unique with this situation, thank you. God bless
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Old 11-08-2008, 08:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Pam

Do you have any face to face support? I mean could you find a meeting and meet some other ladies? I am thinking that could be HUGE to meet some ppl who are/have gone thru what you are going thru.

(((HUGS & PRAYERS))) Sheila
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Old 11-08-2008, 08:44 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I am jumping on your post and I belong to another board. My ah is recovering and has been sober a few weeks now. He has physically come home yesturday. I am finding it VERY difficult. I don't know why. I guess I feel he drank away eight years and I had to deal with all of those emotions sober and now he's back I feel a bit of resentment. I just let him come back in? Just like that? Part of me feels like a fool, part of me feels I am doing the right thing, part of me is waiting for the ball to drop. It is a VERY confusing time for me and I know I'm not making it easy for my rah either. I am very mean to him because I want to see his action right away. I dont' want to hear words or things he's thinking. He didn't care about me for all those years so why should I up and care now.
I'm glad he's sober and I have a part of me that wants to walk away satisfied that he may live a happy life. I really want to love him but I know how bad he can hurt me. I felt more pain then he could EVER imagine. Part of me wants him to suffer sober so he feels MY pain.
I AM WRONG!
If you are being kind and you are doing your own recovery and not being helpless then there is no reason your husband should be cruel. Have you tried sitting down and honestly apologize and ask how you can make it better? Sometimes just giving him permission to walk away and you understanding may make him feel validated.
It's hard to explain being on this end. We love you with all we have but we are so darn scared of you in the same breath. We know you can hurt us like nobody else can. We know you can cut our world off just like that. You can crush our dreams if we dare to even conjure up another one.
It all boils down to us (the other spouse) to rebuild our trust in our own time. We have no right to be so cruel to you.

(((HUGS))) I understand and thank you for this post. I am going to talk to my husband now and apologize for being so hard on him.
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Old 11-09-2008, 05:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I am checking back in to see how you're doing. I'm glad to see that you posted back here again.

BTW, if people should be posting on other boards then maybe that's where they should post at.

Pam, for years I dealt with my husband lying to me and doing a lot of stuff behind my back. It hurt. Now this is MY story but I ended up drinking over a lot of it. I tried getting sober on my own years ago and looked around and nothing in my life changed, he was the same, the lying was still going on and eventually I was drinking again.

Had I known THEN what I know NOW I would have done things a lot more differently. I would have packed my bags and checked into a treatment center THEN!!!!!!

Over a year later, a hellish divorce, tons of wonderful work on my part, I have a life that I am absolutely thrilled with. My X? He's around and he cares but for me, if he cared he would have been supportive. I can't tell you how many times I told him I wanted to go to treatment, he saw me hitting meetings EVERY DAY, I was doing everything I needed to do but his part? And we all play a part Sister, he didn't think he had anything to do with it, it was all me. Like I have to tell you how much the lying, cheating, phone calls from strangers feels like..........

Tons of hugs to you!!! :ghug2

While the person who posted above probably meant well, I think the vent could have stayed on another board.
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Old 11-09-2008, 06:23 AM   #9 (permalink)
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How are you doing Pam? I was thinking of you this morning. Please check in.
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Old 11-09-2008, 06:56 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi Pam and welcome to SR.

You've gotten some really good responses and I just want to add . . . . .

You can hold your head up high because you are doing the right thing . . . staying sober!!

That's hard to do and a whole lot to be proud of!!!
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Old 11-09-2008, 07:19 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I like what Harley said too!!!!
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Old 11-09-2008, 07:31 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Lily View Post
Do you have any face to face support? I mean could you find a meeting and meet some other ladies? I am thinking that could be HUGE to meet some ppl who are/have gone thru what you are going thru.
I agree with what Lily said here. Face-to-face support with other women who have experience with this can really help.

The only thing you can control right now is your behavior. You can keep your side of the street clean, but you have no control over what he decides to do with his side of the street. And as Stubborn1 stated, he may feel justified in trashing his side of the street because of your alcoholism. That doesn't mean that he is correct in doing so, but he has that sense of entitlement. It still isn't right -- you don't deserve it.

This is why outside support is so crucial. We can't rely on people we hurt (and people who hurt us) to support us.
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Old 11-09-2008, 07:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thank you and god bless all who responded, with every one I read I feel comfort and caring. I am so happy I found this place. I feel in my own little miserable world here at home that I have friends so close. So many good people out there, with all the bad on the internet I found this. God is guiding me, he has to be, this was no coincidence I happened on this.
It is funny, I read some and tears come to my eyes, you have no idea how heart felt it is to feel understood and not the alone for the first time.
To Stubborn, I can honestly feel for you. I know that it has to be hard to live with an alcoholic, heck I hate living with myself.The hard part is we get to the point that we want to be better, Support, that is what we need. I raised two kids by myself , this husband is not my first. I have had things happen thru life and I will honestly say this is the one thing in my life that has taken me over, mentally, physically and spiritually...I have lost control, lost my happiness, self esteem, my respect.......... I really do not think that one can understand what it is to be us, I can't describe it, you really have to live it, and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel the quilt, hopelessness, anguish, the pain . I have found out by this site and from AA, these people feel what I feel, they understand/ feel the connection, but until now, people whom I know who are not addicts do not/could not..and I really do not think they can, it is not their fault, I think it is an impossibility. I hope it gets better for you and the resentment passes, might seem that he threw 8 years away, but sounds like he is trying make the next 20/30/50 years yours to share together, sober. I heard alanon is good, Never been there but if like AA, you will find comfort in people living your same sort of life. Anyway, good luck, look at the future, not at the past...I have alot of guilt in me and am sure your husband does also. It is hard enuf for us to forgive ourselves, BUT even harder for us to ask someone to forgive us. Hope your talk was good for you both.
Gonna sign off now.
Need to bend my knees and
:praying
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Pam,

Just wanted to weigh in - a little late but maybe better than never?

I was so confused when I got sober and found out that my husband wasn't jumping for joy and filled with loving support. He was mean and angry and resentful and blaming and mistrustful and hateful in many ways. I moved into the guest room for the first 3 months.

I didn't feel safe emotionally or physically with him. I needed to protect my vulnerable sobriety. And the last thing I needed was him bossing me around and acting like a jack-ass.

I was bewildered. Why, now, when I get sober, was he turning into such a jerk? Why wasn't he more of a jerk when I was drinking?

I don't know all the reasons, but I know a few now. One was that my initial sobriety required that he not have alcohol in the house. And he likes to have a few beers in the evening. He hated that he had to accomodate me there. I don't know what that says about his own drinking but I do know it's ok with me now if he has beer in the house and he still only drinks 2-4 three days a week or so. But he really resented having to give that up.

Another reason was that he had to face the fact that I'd been lying to him about my drinking for so long. He felt like a fool because he'd believed me when I said I was all wobbly because I had a cold and had taken some cold medicine or I was tired or whatever stupid lie I'd come up with at the time. He felt foolish and betrayed.

Another reason he was so resentful was that my sobriety required a major shift in our marriage. It was not just a change for me. It meant he needed to change too. He wanted it to be solely my issue and he was resentful that it was also his issue.

We still haven't worked through that third one. He refuses to go to Al-anon (which would really be good for him) and he doesn't want to take any responsibility for re-building trust in our marriage.

I honestly don't know if we're going to make it. Right now, he has agreed to go to marriage therapy 2 times a month. That's a start and I'll take it.

But I'm not going to put up with his resentment and distrust forever. It's been nine months. It's gotten better. Hopefully, things will continue to get better. We'll see. I'm not counting on it. I'm hoping for it and praying for it. But I'm not counting on it.

All I can do is take care of my sobriety, be a good mom, and do my best. If that's not enough to heal the wounds in our marriage, than that is just what it is. And I'll have to accept it.

I wish you well. And like others said, don't accept abuse. I told my husband that if he touches me in anger even one more time, that is the end. He's only done it twice. But that's enough for me.

Hang tough. And congratulations on your sobriety. I'm proud of you.
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Old 11-11-2008, 03:57 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Pam, way to strap on them Big Girl Panties Woman!!! I'm proud of you!!!
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