Why?

[J24]

Hi Everyone--I am new to this site and decided to start by joining the Women in Recovery group. I am a woman in my mid-thirties, with about 2 1/2 years of sobriety.

Are there any other women in recovery out there who have continued to have screwed up relationships with men into sobriety? I'm really bottoming out on the relationships front, with a succession of sick relationships in the last year and a half or so of my sobriety.

The last one really bottomed me out emotionally. At two and a half years sober, I am in a really dark place. I have decided to try to concentrate on a relationship with a Higher Power, instead of letting myself become so wrecked by relationships with men. Maybe "emotionally bottomed out" is a good place to be--a gift, so to speak. Because I'm in so much pain I'm desperately willing to do whatever it takes to redefine my life and myself as a woman.

I sure didn't get sober to go through this much pain.

[Justme57]

Hi and welcome

I have decided to try to concentrate on a relationship with a Higher Power,
That is an excellent idea !
I was told when I first got sober , in the first 12 months, to buy a potted plant, and if it lived, to graduate to a dog ! LOL

in my experience we have enough emotional growing to do in early recovery , without adding extra stuff !

HUGX
Leigh

[Latte]

I am married to a great man but I haven't made any new friends (other than my recovery friends) since getting clean and sober about a year and a half ago. I just want people to like me so much that I don't make good decisions about friends so I'm working on me for now.

[J24]

I think it's a little bit harder, maybe, to make new friends when you are married. I'd venture a guess that marriage takes alot of energy and attention. But thank goodness for friends in recovery. I don't know what I would do without mine.

Best wishes!

[lizw]

I won't bore you with my long story of 3 failed relationships in soberity and I am 10 years sober but what I will ask if you have ever taken inventory focusing on this area of your life?

It is this, Al Anon and more recently SLAA (Sex and Love addicts anon) which has helped me with this stuff.

And welcome to SR! Hope you stick around.

[J24]

I've done several inventories on individual relationships, but never a BIG, giant inventory on my relationship history. Maybe that would help alot. Thanks!

[katwomankc]

i have been married for 25 yrs and i do find it hard to have friends myself. i have made friends in the NA groups here by my house only to be disappointed. one friend tried buying drugs from my son and asked him if he could get any. so i have backed away from having close friends. i do have woman here at work i talk to but mainly i am a loner. and i know that isnt healthy but i feel better being that way. anyways thank you for listening to me felt like i had to respond good topic.

[ClimbingUP]

Okay, I used to get into bad relationships with men and even though I'm still single, I think I learned a thing or two about what I don't want and how not to get into 'bad' relationships.

The first step is to put yourself first. If you care about yourself and what happens to you, then it will be that much harder to be with someone who treats you poorly. This means listening to that voice inside of yourself that tells you that the person is treating you badly even though other voices are trying to rationalize away his bad behavior as being due to a bad childhood or he's got good heart (even though his actions suck) or he just needs someone to believe in him.

I stopped looking for men to complete me or bring me happiness because both of those things are my job. Don't give up your life for a guy. You came into the relationship a separate person and you need to keep a part of yourself separate and just for you.

I realized that a lot of what messes us up in relationships are our expectations of what the other person should or shouldn't do. You might have the expectation that your boyfriend is supposed to call you if he's going to be late or he should take your feelings into account more often, but those are your expectations, not his. I see this happen so often with people. They get hurt by their own unspoken expectations of how the other person is supposed to treat them. People have their own agendas in life, and they don't always coincide with ours even if you're in a relationship.

Don't be scared to tell the person when they've done something to hurt your feelings. If they care about you, they will want you to tell them when they've upset you. A great indicator of a rotten mate is when they can't handle being told that they've done something to hurt you.

And one thing that I learned from being with liars, is if it doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. Occam's Razor is a principle of logic that states that the simplest explanation is usually correct. I used to date a guy who mysteriously lost his cell phone several times a week. And another one who would hide his phone bill so I couldn't see who he'd been calling. Yeah, stupid stuff happens every once in a while, but if it's commonplace, then it's probably not legit. It sucks to date a liar and it can really mess with your head. If I get a hint that a guy's a liar, I drop him.

Okay, that's all I got right now. Hope this helps.

[J24]

That helps alot!!!!!!! Thank you so much for your insightful input.

In the last inventory I did with my sponsor, both she and I cried because we realized from my inventory that I just feel like I'm so worthless. Probably because I feel so worthless, I unconsciously seek out men that will reinforce this belief. I don't know how much more of it I can take.

It's so hard to change our core beliefs about ourselves. But I do know for sure that we create our realities in a manner that will reinforce our core beliefs, and I seem to be seeking situations that justify my telling myself I'm worthless.

Thank you again--

[ClimbingUP]

I struggle with feelings of worthlessness too. Damn--doesn't that just suck!! I'm working on it though, and getting sober had to happen in order for me to overcome it.

I have a really awesome book that you might like. It's called The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. I remember reading it a few years ago and so many little firecrackers went off in my head. It gives you homework you can do every day to try and change those nasty messages that play over and over in your head telling you that you're no good. As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to dig that book out and give it a new read. Thanks!

[Anna]

I think you are absolutely right J, that focusing on yourself is the way to go. I was married when I began drinking and I am still married. But, I feel very differently about myself and therefore I feel differently about my relationships. I used to feel like I had to do everything and be everything for my husband. That didn't work for me. I think it's about learning to treat yourself with the same respect that you give others.

Be kind to yourself and spend time with yourself. Things will fall into place.

[CarolD]

Hmm...

I was 52 when I finally quit drinking.
I decided...in early recovery ...to try celibacy for a year.

I had always had a guy around...before and during
my drinking years. Lots of boys and men.
Some serious relationships...most not.

It's worked so well for me...what a shock!
that I never resumed my old pattern of "sex=partner"

Welcome to SR!

[OldRock]

I have found that I get much better and much more valuable relationship help by going to people who are in the business of helping people with relationships...like a therapist.
I tried to use steps and the program to learn to make better relationship choices and it failed miserably. I actually learned some really bad ways to deal with my marriage by doing this. I found out that I had created a viscious cycle of guilt, unacceptable acceptance and utter failure to understand and/or meet my own needs. Bad, bad, bad times!
I wouldn't go to a lawyer for a medical problem, so why would I go to a sobriety program for an unrelated problem?

Good Luck
Rock

[lizw]

I read this book called 'Woman who love too much' in the last year or so and in there she suggests it is quite common for woman alcoholics to swap the alcohol for men - addictive relationships. So while we do stop drinking, we continue to 'use' relationships in the same way we used alcohol, to help us handle life because we are unable to manage, or fill our own needs.

For myself, I think this is true. I can look back at 10 years in AA and 3 seperate relationships that all featured me behaving in similar ways. In my defense I did start Al Anon 5 years ago and learnt how to stop trying to control my partner as he was an AA member too. I had the tendency to be the sponsor police, the meeting police and of course police everything other aspect of his life, as I saw fit.

I have found it terribly hard to learn how to met my own needs instead of expecting or looking to another person to do that for me. But at the same time I have probably never felt so much freedom nor love for myself.

My situation is now such that I have been single for a year and I am not seeking a relationship nor do I have any plans to which is a friggin miracle for me, I tell you. My sponsor would testify to this statement. Lol. Maybe another one to put it is that finally I can say 'Thy will be done not mine' about that area of my life and mean it.

Hope you hang around and let us know how you're going.
You're certainly not alone in your struggle.

:ghug