Resentments

[j42daY]

Hello, I had a bring blow out with my mother the day after i got really honest about my childhood with my counslor. I go to an outpatient program for my crack addiction. i feel pretty good about my recovery, i have almost 5 months sober. Anyway at my individual i got real honest about the abusee i took when i was a kid, how i felt like my mother was never there for me. I don't remember alot about my childhood, my family will talk about things that i have recollection of. I feel like my memory of my being a kid is so vague. What brought this all out was this past weekend my husband and 2 kids went to an amusement park on Sun and my mother freaked out because she didn't know where i was. the problem i had with this is she never seemed to give a sh*t about me when i needed her to check on me, now that i'm getting my life togther she thinks she can just do a 180. I left my husband 5 years ago, that's when my addiction to me for a ride and i ended with an abusive boyfriend and a bad crack problem. My mother never said i word or offered to help or be concered before. at 14 i was in an abusive relationship she never interferred then. Well it all came to a head, when i was working on who i needed to make amends to that all these resentments come out. I blow up, mom threw it my face for a drunk addict, then i left after i few choice words that i regreted the moment i walked out the door. now i don't know what to do, or think. i know i need to let go of my resentments and anger, i really don't know what i want my mother to say or do, i just want her to admit to some things. Sorry this is so long, today has been a real struggle to, lashing out at work and feeling crazy. thanks for listening.
Shellie

[SkyIsFalling42]

It is so destructive when this verbal abuse happens. What is said in the spur of the moment can take a lifetime to overcome. I think the hardest thing I had to do with my A daughter is stop allowing her to pull me into these verbal assaults and attacks. It was hard to keep my mouth shut..but I knew it only made matters worse..what good does it do.
There is a very good post about resentments in the general recovery form..maybe you can check it out??

Hang in there lady, you are not alone

[DolphinBlue]

Hi j42daY,

I can relate to your post. So much of my childhood is a mystery to me and what I can remember seems to be a lot of abuse, mainly neglect. I too get angry when my mother makes out that she cares about me now, I wonder if it was so hard to do that when I was a child and needed it.

I think its part of the grieving process to get angry at her. I'm grieving the loss of my childhood and there are stages I need to go through to get to acceptance. Part of this is feeling the pain and wanting to lash out, I believe.

Recently, I bought up a lot of old issues while doing some research on child abuse. I went to see a movie with my mother and the little girl in the movie reminded me SO much of myself, it was even filmed where I grew up which is strange for a small town. Anyway, I was getting all excited recognising places and she was getting angry with me for talking, just like when I was little. On our way home she started to tell me how to drive and that was it! I screamed at her and while it felt good at the time, I knew that it was innappropriate and old pain I was carrying around.

I can't take back what I said, but its taught me to choose a little carefully where and how to vent this frustration and anger. I can talk to someone, doing something physical helps as I feel anger as a ball of energy stuck inside me and moving can be a release. I remind myself that this is progress and to get to the point of acceptance I need to feel it and release it.

Sorry this is a bit long, I hope it helps.

Amy