Well that didn't last long...

[gneiss]

This is probably going to be a bit rambling but I feel like it might help me if I write it out. Sorry in advance.

I posted a few days ago in a hopeful mood on my second sober day. So... that night I went over to a friend's house and had a beer... or four. Argh. OK, really, I know I should say no thanks or just not hang out with my drinking friends if I can't say no thanks.

I'm moving to a new city for grad school in about a year and I know exactly one person there. And to some extent I feel like I'm using that as an excuse to continue hanging out with my friends and drinking, i.e. "Well, one more year and I can get new friends who are better for me so even if I keep drinking a bit it's no big deal, it's temporary." In addition, two of my best friends-- or at least we were best friends before we all started drinking-- are in the same boat I'm in. None of us were big drinkers and then we started partying together a bit, and it just spiraled and now none of us can seem to stop drinking. School is about the only thing I feel like I'm doing right so I work hard to make sure I don't screw that up. What amazes me is that one of the guys doesn't see that he has a problem. Not only do we all drink together but it's gone even farther now: we have all done meth and cocaine now as well, because we've gotten drunk and someone goes, "Man, I could really go for some coke right now." And since we're drunk none of us has the sense to say, "That sounds like a horrible idea." And then, joy of joys, we get in the car and go get some. Yeah, I make good choices when I'm drunk, right?

(Now here's why this is in the womens' forum.) Complicating all this is that about three weeks ago those two friends and I went out barhopping (sounds silly, but this is a small college town, you can go to Wal-Mart or to the bars, not much else to do on a Saturday night). Some random guy I met at the bar and I decided we should go check out the other bars. I told my friends I'd be back in a little while, and left with him. Long story short, he raped me. I'm loathe to go back to the bars, which is bad in a way. When I'm drinking in public my drinking is held in check because I don't want to get completely hammered and run into classmates or professors-- I keep it to a socially acceptable level at least.

That still doesn't change the fact that I just need to stop drinking, period. It's bad for me, I make bad decisions, and it's an enormous waste of money. And in theory it doesn't seem so hard: when friends invite me over, say no thanks (this is the one I have the most trouble with). Don't buy beer. When offered a beer, say no thanks. And yet... as soon as that beer is available, I can't seem to say no.

OK, that's probably enough babbling for now. Take care, and if you made it this far, thanks for reading.

[ANGELINA243]

Wow! I can definitely relate to what you have shared. And it is unacceptable what this guy did to you--whether or not you both were drinking--it doesn't make it ok...it is never ok to take advantage of someone like that. I'm glad you are ok..but yes, when drinking we almost always place ourselves in harm's way (I know I did--many times). Drinking at certain places also led me into doing drugs as well. In fact,the last time I drank--I wanted to do other stuff too before the night was over...but luckily I didn't run into any of my old using friends. You are not alone. But hanging out with same people, places, playgrounds will produce the same result--especially if drugs/alcohol are mixed in. There is hope. Just don't give up.

[gneiss]

Unfortunately for me just not running into using friends is not enough. At this point I know how/where to procure my own drugs, should I want them. Luckily, the addiction is alcohol, not meth or coke. I don't do them all the time, just every once in a while. Not that it's *good* to just use once in a while, but it's better than using them all the time (I guess... I'm not even sure that's a good statement to make). Aight, kiddies. I'm off to a football game. Go Pokes!

[51anna]

Hi Gneiss,

I am so sorry about what happened to you, but, I know how alcohol changes everything. I hope you are alright and I hope that you have contacted the police.

For me, I could not be around alcohol when I was early in sobriety. I couldn't say 'no' and enjoy myself. I was absolutely miserable, and if I did make it through the evening, I'd end up drinking the next day. There are other things to do besides WalMart and bars, but it takes a shift in perspective.

[deerwalk]

Gneiss, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't seem to make it more than a few days sober either.

[CarolD]

I strongly suggest you call a Rape Hot Line
and get information as to what you should do
about being raped. You seem awfully casual
over something that could affect you years from now.

I'm thinking diseases ...pregnancy ...flashbacks.
Rapists are violent men he could have killed you.

So...obviously....you need to quit drinking as that
is bringing you to ..drugs...unwanted sex..friends who
are also not making good choices..
Not in a year..now.

The life you save will be your own...

[gneiss]

I've started all the disease testing, etc. That's one more thing I should probably go talk to a therapist about, but I can't seem to pick up the phone and get an appointment (really, I have no excuse. It's $5 for students, so I can't even blame tight funds). And... I'm not casual at all. My brain is still kind of flipping out. I've been kind of moody ever since. I try to act normal but sometimes its quite an effort and by the time I get home I'm exhausted and all I want to do is... you guessed it: drink! And play my Xbox, which I got recently. Honestly, if my roommates have to hear any more Guitar Hero or football games I think they're going to strangle me.

It's weird that alcohol basically helped put me in this situation, and I still turn to it as comfort. It's my coping mechanism now. That's sick. I did not report it to the police. Say what you want on that, I just couldn't face discussing it with the police. I felt stupid for putting myself in the situation.

The football game went well tonight. No beer is sold in the stadium, but inevitably we ran into friends after the game who were tailgating. I opened one, but never finished it. Strangely, I just didn't feel like drinking. That's a first. I'm sure it's just a passing thing, I don't imagine I'm anywhere near out of the woods. Hell, I'm not really even into them yet.

[bostonluv]

So....what are your recovery plans?? Did I miss something in this thread? A plan, a desire to quit? Anything? If getting drunk, doing coke/meth, driving around intoxicated and getting raped isn't "in the woods," I don't want to know what is! This is pretty serious and your attitude is coming off as indifferent/blase. Just want to shake you a bit - wake up!

[gneiss]

A fair question. My recovery plans weren't really the point of the thread, hence they aren't in here. It was more about feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the rather daunting task of cleaning up and stopping my rather pathetic behavior; a task which basically means avoiding my two best friends and breaking some heavily ingrained bad habits. Indifferent? Not at all. Depressed, perhaps. I don't seem to have any energy lately.

[DSodaNow]

I am sorry to hear your story. You are in a tough situation. I am glad that you posted in here. Even though you don't have a plan to quit drinking you seem to see the need. I put off quitting for a long time because in my mind there was always a better time. But the thing that I didn't realize is that alcohol and drugs doesn't always guarantee that we will make it to the better time.

You can quit now, please consider it. I also agree that you should seek some therapy.

[gneiss]

It's really not entirely accurate that I don't have a plan. They aren't on this thread because they were not really pertinent to why I posted, which I already explained. I don't have a well-defined plan, but one step at a time: tomorrow I'm making an appt with an alcohol/drug counselor to *ta-da* formulate a more concrete plan. No time like the present, of course, but they're open Mon-Fri. So, basically, step one of the plan is to find some help making a better plan. Are we satisfied? Sheesh... that'll teach me to post a thread without explaining every detail, won't it? :-)

[Pelican]

Hey gneiss and welcome to SR!

You have been very open and honest about your recent activities. You are a lucky lady to have the option to seek professional help this upcoming week with your own legs carrying you into the door vs. a stretcher and ambulance ride. Get the help that is available to you and let us know how you are doing.

I tend to over plan my life

Therefore, I plan for social events where drinks will be served and my drinking buddies will be around. I bring my own beverages. I usually have a bottle of water in my hand (bring my own). Also, I'm a bit of a health nut and sometimes will pack a natural carbonated beverage or ice tea. The point is, I always plan to have a non-alcoholic beverage in my hand so no one feels uncomfortable for not having non-alcoholic beverages available.

That might help you abstain from drinking with your friends. I have also learned that my drinking buddies were just that, drinking company. Not my real go to friends. So enjoy your friends while sober, see if they are truly the kind of peeps you want to hang with. If not, spread your wings girl, you've got options!

Take Care of Yourself!

[Latte]

You have to remember that you ARE NOT to blame for the rape. I have done many things that I would not have done if I were drinking. Rape is not a choice.

Please get counseling for the rape. I wish I would have, maybe I could have stopped sooner than I did.

[deerwalk]

Gneiss, I'm sorry you've seemingly recieved some harsh response about not immediately having a plan after such a horrible, traumatizing experience. I can understand the need to numb out after an experience like that. But I also know it will make things worse. So, please pick up that phone and get some counseling! I hope the best for you. It's extremely brave of you to tell such a story, and if it helps to talk about it here too, feel free to drop me a line. Please seek some counseling for your experience... We're here for you, too. And listen to CarolD- she knows what she's talking about!

[gneiss]

Thanks. I'm cool.

I know, I know, there's always an excuse. I'm on Day #2, again. This time though, I'm doing a lot better. I'm staying away from my drinking buddies this week and through the weekend (this actually seems to help a lot). Instead of getting a drink today, I kind of sat in my room and cried for a while. And visited an AA chat room. That really helped, they kind of talked me through the worst of it. They also told me to eat chocolate-- not that I need an invitation. In some ways it was a great day. I don't feel weighed down by alcohol for once, and that is really nice. However, I still have that little whisper in the back of my head that I'd like a drink, and this is compounded by the fact that my [recent] ex is proposing this weekend to the *other* girl he was dating while we were together (anyone know of an abbey looking for some nuns? Because I'm about to give up and become one). I'll face it: I've dealt with my problems now for so long by throwing alcohol at them, I'm way out of practice on dealing with them for real.

[indigo]

Addiction whispers mean things to us and tries to make us different. I'm really sorry for what happened to you. Please as Carol said try and get help.
safe hugs

[dancinggirl]

Sweetie...I'm so sorry for what you've gone through! I've been accused many times (not by people here) about acting flippant, like things that have happened to me are no big deal, when in fact they really were. I know that you are having thoughts about the rape, that you sometimes try and just forget about it, how you might be down-playing it in your mind in order to deal with it, that you're thinking that there's just too much to deal with right now, that even though alcohol got you in a dangerous position it's also something that appeals to you to numb everything...it's the "easy" choice right now.

This isn't an easy time for you and what you need to do isn't easy. But it MUST be done. You must get tested (as you said you are) for possible health consequences of the rape, you must get some kind of plan together to stop this insanity of the drinking, you must get control back over your life.

We're here to help you through that. So post often and continue posting honestly as you have been.

[gneiss]

Thanks. I moved over to Secular Connections for a few days, but I will definitely keep posting in this Group as well.

You're right, downplaying it makes it easier to deal with for the moment. But it's not working, I can't get it off my mind and I end up drinking more to make it easier to tell people I'm fine--no emotional response at all is better than thinking about it, apparently. My mind's pretty twisted around at the moment, I'd prefer to forget the whole thing. Only two of my friends know the whole story, and I'm pulling off an acting job for the ages to make sure no one else suspects anything is wrong, in terms of drinking/quitting or the rape or anything else. (I suspect some of them may see through it).

I did a few things to improve my entire situation last week: I made an appointment to see a counselor, and I made appointments with professors to go ask them for grad school references. OOOHHHH!! Look at me, taking care of business, finally. And I signed up for the GRE as well. I SHOULD have done all this weeks ago but booze makes me lazy. Unfortunately I now feel like I should have a beer to celebrate.

It's ridiculous. I'm not doing anything unusual or out of the ordinary or that especially deserves being rewarded. I haven't even done anything, only made an appointment to do something, so how does that translate to an entitlement to congratulate myself? I think the booze is whispering in my ear.

[dancinggirl]

Sweetie, the booze will whisper...then it will speak up...then it will shout...then it will lower it's voice...then it will whisper...then it will go away for lengths of time. You just need to ride it out. It's good that you can see that drinking as some form of reward is not a good idea...it's your addiction's idea. Heck, if your addiction thought you'd drink on odd numbered days, it'd plant that idea in your head! Anything to try and get you to drink. You need to get as much distance between yourself and the booze as possible through sheer numbers of days without it.

Good for you for setting up a counsellor appointment!

[Pelican]

Good for you gneiss!

You are moving forward. That is great.

Nothing wrong with rewarding yourself. I've done that, too. Only now I reward myself with something boss like some new sneakers for pounding the pavement. Bonus with the shoes: working the junk in the trunk!

Choose to make healthy choices, daily. You can do it.

Keep us posted.

[gneiss]

Ah-ha!! I have plenty of shoes... maybe even too many. I might be skipping the AA meetings and going to Shoes Anon. So instead I went to the bookstore and got a new book.... albeit one I can't really read until after the semester, probably. Darn Geochemistry class, keeps me from reading anything interesting.

And I managed to get a GRE prep book, so now I have something new to distract myself. Perfect.

Oh nevermind, a girl can never have too many shoes.

[Pelican]

[Hope]

Sounds like you are taking the right steps!

And the book means that rewarded yourself in a positive way!

Good for you!