Feeling Kind of Sad Today - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ColdSweat · 09-22-2008, 04:52 PM

Hey guys. I rarely make new threads here, I don't really know why. It just seems everybody's problems are greater than mine (do I have any? or just complaints and whines? I don't know...)... anyhow. My birthday was yesterday, Sunday the 21st, and we started the fun on Friday. Went out with my boyfriend to Saratoga where my Grandparents bought us lunch & we hung out & blew 200$ at Borders on Bukowski & CDs haha

. Then Saturday my mom did a dinner for me here and it was great. Then Sunday I spent the entire day with my boyfriend and it was honestly the best birthday I can remember. Effin' beautiful<3... but so. I was great Sunday night, went home, talked with him on the phone for hours, and he fell asleep while I read Bukowski to him (I always put him to sleep on the phone<3). Then, cuz we had played pool on Sunday, listening to AC/DC, got me in the mood for a pool movie, so I decided to watch the Color of Money (I would've watched the Hustler, which is far better, but I wanted something with a rockin' soundtrack as well.. and COM is the sequel to Hustler)... but so, got to bed around 1:30 (early for me, insomniac, overactive mind, racing thoughts, etc), and had to wake up at 7:15AM for school... I woke up feeling really sad for some reason, I still don't know why. I went through my day like that. Really productive, writing a lot (I don't know if it's good or not. I feel like I wrote better while I was drinking/using...)... but I just felt sad, and we were talking about narcotics in Health class... and hell, I wanted that numbness again. I felt like crying all day. I wanted to use so bad. I wanted to crawl out of my skin, be somewhere else. (I hate school to begin with, but...)... so I stopped and made an appointment with the substance abuse councelor, waited all day to see him at last period. So we talked. It kind of helped at the time... and we have another appointment Wednesday, same time. It sucks though because I have no study halls and have to use my gym time (I was medically excused for my female issues at the beginning of September, but I still have been not showing up/been out for the rest of it, I'm trying to get switched to Alternative Gym, because I'm just rather unhealthy...) but at the time being I have a lot of anxiety about it, a lot of pressure to do really well in all my classes, because last year I sucked. That's what you get for showing up stoned everyday. Rest of my classes are fine, just gym that I hate with a passion, I have a pathological issue with it... I don't know... but so, I came home and talked with the boyfriend, told him I'm seeing a SA councelor, he said that's really good, etc... just got off with him, he's eating dinner. And I'm just kind of here, home alone, blasting tunes... but feel really sad. I kinda wanna cry. I don't know why. And I hate that it's cold out. I don't do real well with cold weather. I'm always cold, though. I don't know. My hands are always freezing and shakey. I just wanna cry right now... another thing... my boyfriend asked me seriously today to quit smoking. And... I can't. I don't want to. I never plan to. I need that ONE thing. It's now part of my identity. It's just... I think this is why I don't think I can write anymore. I hate that when people get clean and sober than they're automatically deemed a "square". I feel like I've lost my edge. I still wanna be that really smart chick on the corner, dressed in black, cigarette in hand, drink in the other. Somewhat of a twisted elitist, but the voice of skid row. I wanna be with my people. But I don't ever wanna brake my sobriety. I don't wanna hurt anybody like that again. I don't know what to do. I don't wanna feel sad like this right now.

EDIT: Song for the moment? Let's Just Get Naked - Joan Osborne

kj3880 · 09-22-2008, 05:35 PM

You say you "Wanna be with your people?" Come to a newcomer's meeting of NA. You'll meet a lot of us there. We not like everyone else, are we? I know, Earth people get on all of our nerves at times, don't they?

KJ

**51anna** · 09-22-2008, 05:39 PM

Hi,

I'm glad you posted.

It sounds to me like you are just getting to used to the idea of feeling, really feeling your emotions. Feeling sad is okay, and so is crying. Then try to just let it go. It's only an emotion. It sounds like you're adjusting to a life without the drama involved in addiction. Just give it some time.

Your last few sentences concern me though because staying sober is really hard and you need to really, really want it. Stay strong!

**nandm** · 09-22-2008, 05:44 PM

I am sorry you are going through such a rough period right now. Do remember that even though things seem quite bleak right now; life is change and this too will change.

I have only a few "friends" from my drinking days. What I learned was that the only thing we truly had in common was drinking. When I got sober I started doing things I never would do when I was drinking, only talk about doing. What I have found though is that the people in my life today that I call friends are friends not the drinking aquaintences I had. Today, I know that I can pick up the phone and good or bad I have people who will stand by my side.

Hang in there as sobriety is well worth it in the long run. Don't get hung up on the short term stuff as it does go away.

Take care

DSodaNow · 09-22-2008, 05:46 PM

I can relate to just waking up sad. It happens to me sometimes, but it usually only lasts a day or two. For me.... the biggest part in making my sobriety work is honesty. Honesty with myself and with others around me.

It is good that you are feeling your emotions and acknowledging them. And in regard to smoking you should be honest with your boyfriend about how you feel about quitting. My husband really, really wants me to quit but he has laid off about it lately because he knows that my sobriety comes first.

I hope you feel better soon!

ColdSweat · 09-22-2008, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kj3880

You say you "Wanna be with your people?" Come to a newcomer's meeting of NA. You'll meet a lot of us there. We not like everyone else, are we? I know, Earth people get on all of our nerves at times, don't they?

KJ

I would love to go to NA or AA, both preferably, but no one in my family will let me, and I feel ashamed to say I gave up on the argument after a couple weeks. I got them to say yes, then they said no, it went on like that for a while, until the circumstance was that one of them would have to go with me, and I don't want that, I don't want them hearing that, you know?... No, we're certainly not like everyone else. Yeah, they do get on our nerves sometimes haha. It's kind of like, I walk around school... and I've been out there, in the world, seen things and learned things they don't teach in school. Like it's insignificant. Society tells us we need a school-education to better ourselves, get a "good" job, make "enough" money, etc... I disagree a lot with societal law and laws in general. I just have issues with authority, haha. I'd rather be happy doing what I love to do, than sell my soul and work for Satan to pay the bills. Life is so short... to short to set yourself up for misery and pressure, you know? Doesn't it seem that's what people do out there? I'm sure some people who work on wallstreet are happy to do so, because some may enjoy it. But I just don't want that life. I don't have the desire to be rich. In fact, I prefer a dingy little apartment, it's good for my gander haha. I feel though, that I'd be dissapointing a lot of people by doing that, doing what I want to do in my life. There seems to be so much pressure, especially now, in my last years of school, to please everybody. And that's common as ever (I hate seeming common :p), but it's a real, palpable fear of mine, to end up miserable, while everyone around me is so proud.

To the rest of you wonderful people. Thank you so much for the kind words.

nandm, can relate to that as well... But what I meant was, that I miss being able to talk to my people, being able to say, "I'm right there with you, buddy", you know? :/

51anna, that was comforting to read. But how do I let it go? I don't know how to do that, don't know if I ever have? Or have the tools to?... I'm a writer, and it seems I cling to pain, as a writing utensil, almost. It's very unhealthy, for sure, but, I love writing, I usually love what I write, I really don't want to lose that, but I despise feeling like this.

DSoda, love the identification thing. I try to explain to my dear man about my smoking, and I love that he loves me so much to want me to be "healthy"... but, I don't know. :/

kj3880 · 09-22-2008, 07:45 PM

ColdSweat (there has to be something better we can call you...lol):
Well, don't lose heart. I didn't end up having to sell my soul to the devil to put food on the table at all, and I remember being exactly like you when I was a teen. I ended up in a service-type government job, which is also satisfyingly creative and stimulating. In short, a perfect fit for me. Those jobs exist, and it is worth seeking them out. You do need to get a little education in you to get 'em. But not too much, really.

Right now, my daughter, just a little older than you are, is student teaching, and working her way through college. She hated High School, thought the rules were just as stupid as you do. And she didn't do well until she got a taste of college life. I had her take a summer course before her senior year and she fell in love with college, and with the idea of teaching children that needed her. So hang in there. College is fun. Totally different than HS. A lot freer, with a lot of creative and literate types, and less stupid rules to annoy you. I envy you a bit. There is so much fun to be had in college!

I think that you should let your parent go to an open AA or NA meeting with you. Once there, they'll see how it goes, they can meet some women there who can pick you up and take you to the next one. Then your parents will probably let you go with them after that. That's usually how it goes with young women here. We go talk to their parents and they trust us after they get to know us.
KJ

**CarolD** · 09-22-2008, 09:09 PM

Double

Birthday blues is my guess CS
A natural let down from the celebrations
Can happen to anyone and it will pass.

Plus...your new to being clean and sober
so it's a different scary time.
Be gentle with yourself.

Belated

vegibean · 09-23-2008, 06:08 AM

I don't like it when I'm going through something and I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. ARGH!!!!!!!!!! I get real quiet and do some meditative thinking, I usually figure out what's going on in my head and that seems to help how I'm feeling. Then I can figure out how to get out of it.

Hope you're feeling better. Kudos to you for seeing the counselor too!!!!

ColdSweat · 09-23-2008, 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kj3880

ColdSweat (there has to be something better we can call you...lol):

Haha, yes, there is, sorry, you guys can all call me Lexxi :]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kj

Well, don't lose heart. I didn't end up having to sell my soul to the devil to put food on the table at all, and I remember being exactly like you when I was a teen. I ended up in a service-type government job, which is also satisfyingly creative and stimulating. In short, a perfect fit for me. Those jobs exist, and it is worth seeking them out. You do need to get a little education in you to get 'em. But not too much, really.

Yeah, I hear what you're saying... y'know, I'll think of a job, and I know I'd be really good at this or that, but right now I, in irony, have so much ambition to do this that and the other thing. Primarily, I want to be a writer. People, mainly family, keep telling me that's more a hobby than anything, but if I thought I could do it, go for it. So I did, and I sent a manuscript, a risque memoir (filled with illegalities...), called Lolita and the Degenerates , to PublishAmerica. And they accepted it for publication, sent me a contract, and asked me basic questions, like legal name, date of birth, etc. It was the date of birth that got me. They don't publish minors, heh. But I wrote that, my first book. I've written another. Countless short stories and poems, etc. It's still my passion in life, and I don't know if I can see myself seriously having another career. But if anything, I'd get a liberal arts degree (yknow, you can't do anything with that LOL).

Quote:

Originally Posted by kj

I think that you should let your parent go to an open AA or NA meeting with you. Once there, they'll see how it goes, they can meet some women there who can pick you up and take you to the next one. Then your parents will probably let you go with them after that. That's usually how it goes with young women here. We go talk to their parents and they trust us after they get to know us.
KJ

I don't know why but the thought of them there with me just makes my skin crawl... like I need their guidance or something. Evidently no, I can't take care of myself, I effed myself up pretty badly. But in other regards, sure I can. I fear that they only want to be there to make themselves feel like better people. Is that awful? Like so they don't think they totally effed up? All through my life, I got so pissed off when anyone called me "kid" or anything, up until recently when I realized it was a term of endearment ha... I was one of those kids. Coincidently, I turned out pretty "mature" for my age, as people tell me. Beyond my years, etc. I've seen a lot of stuff I shouldn't have seen, gone through these things no one should ever go through, I wouldn't wish the darkest parts of my life on any of my enemies (if I have any?).

Haha, thanks Carol, for the kind words and belated happy birthday :].

Vegi, yeah, after I got off here last night, I went up to my room, called the boyfriend, the sleepyhead :p ha.... then when he fell asleep I just totally zoned out and watched Coco Chanel on Lifetime. LOL... I still feel kind of the same today, melancholy. And he's... I don't know, doing something, watching Burn Notice or whatnot... so I'm just kinda bopping around here, tunes on, hoping I feel better heh. It's kinda freaky to feel like this and not know what's wrong with you, like you said. Even after thinking about it seriously, I still don't know.
Thanks for props on the councelor

Fluttering · 09-23-2008, 04:28 PM

Hi ColdSweat
New in recovery? Feeling things..Hearing things in class about narcotics can trigger the loss of our old life... feelings are neither right nor wrong...they just are. Crying...tears are cleansing..and it is ok.. The desire to numb the feelings are normal because it is the familiar..But think about where the addiction took you an kow it is a progressive disease that many have and will continue to die from...

Family will not allow you to go to meetings...That does concern me...A closed meeting is for the alcoholic or addict only..Family support is important....However we learn how to go into this new life by listening to others who have been where we are...Hanging out with others that have been where we are teaches us how to apply the new principles, how to change the negative self talk, how to quiet the committees in our heads. Meetings are the pace to share what is going on and the changes we are facing. And some of those things are a private journey..I suggest sharing with them the chapter from the Big Book."The Family Afterwards"...Possibly even the chapter on "More about Alcoholism". It would be ok to have them take you to the meeting and return to pick you up afterwards.
An open meeting is one that the family can attend..Therefore maybe inviting them to go to an open meeting so they get an understanding of the importance of how we support ad encourage each other..In that meeting if you decide to do so..You do not have to share or if you share you choose what or how much to share..and could possibly introduce them to someone who can explain what "Anonymous" means and the importance of the meetings being a safe place to share and learn new tools or be reminded of the basics. You could possibly even suggest an Al Anon meetng to them

Gym class...What helped me was learning how to change my behavior and using walking or gentle excercises as a tool in changing unhealthy habits into healthy ones thereby learning how to care about myself enough to make healthy changes

Being angry about not being able to hang out with "my people" is normal..may of us went thru that...and as already mentioned...we gain new friends that encourage, support, and love us unconditionally, asking nothing in return, expecting nothing from us. hanging out with "my people" was not safe for me as it just kept the compulsion to use stronger instead of learning how to do life on life's terms without chemical peace of mind.
There is a saying in many of the meetings.."Let us love you until you can love yourself" A quote in the Big Book states.."We are not a glum lot...We are happy, joyous and free."

It is only when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired that we become willing to be healthy and to heal from a "seemingly hopeless state of mind and body". I do hope and pray you remain witus on this tremendous journey of self discovery and to recieve the many many blessings you will recieve once you decide to do a few simple things..The very same things we decided to do to change our lives...thus we can guarantee and promise you a life beyond your wildest imaginations and peace like you have never felt before in your life.

I am so pleased you are here and sharing with us...We re here for you and we are here with you

Please come back often

Many hugs

ColdSweat · 09-23-2008, 05:23 PM