Pained out today

[kj3880]

I'm so sad. It's all hitting me today, prolly because of PMS. I'm glad I go to work in an hour to get the focus off my emotions and just be busy. I miss J. so much today. I'm not going to relapse or anything. It's just so hard, though. I miss him so much on days like this. And I question the whole thing...why didn't we work out? Should I just stop answering the phone when he calls so I can finally get over it? Should I just keep it at the "friends with occasional benefits stage?"

To complicate things, this week, he was talking on the phone about a business deal we're in the middle of together. He told the guy on the phone "My girlfriend and I are discussing it. I'll get back to you when we come to a decision." He smiled at me when he said it, and I lit up. I haven't heard him call me that in so long.

We haven't lived together in over 5 years. I know it can never be the same, exactly. But he continues to maintain that someday we'll retire together and live in a condo on the beach, as we'd planned. Other days he doesn't call me all day, especially when he's away, boat racing, or if he's feeling really down. I am so confused and sad and messed up.

I'm sure all of you are tired of hearing about this. So you, know, I totally understand if you don't want to talk about it with me. I'm hopeless and I know it. I never seem to learn when it comes to J. As my sponsor says "You just keep signing up for this pain." I know, I know, but this is where I'm at, and I don't seem to be able to let go.

KJ

[Lily]

Is he the drinking guy? Or is he the guy who used to be your ex? I cannot remember what the story is w/ him.

[Sugah]

KJ, I'm sorry. I hope you find some peace.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Digginit]

The "occasional benefits" may not help you get over him. :\

[ananda]

my expereince has been that letting go is something that I only have partial control over. I try to take my mind off of what ever it is when I see myself thinking very long about it. I take actions in those areas of my life that I need to take care of.

But part is time and a higher power for me. I can't MAKE it happen. I still melt on the inside when I talk to DW. I still care about him...but I go on with my life. And letting go by anger and trying to hate him is NOT a healthy solution for me.

Do I still hold out hope...you bet ya! Do I plan on anything coming out of this .... nope. It's hard to explain...

But there is the "inbetween" place that we are in sometimes. and we don't know where the road will go.

You are a strong woman KJ....And honestly...IMO...we sign up for life with an open heart...pain is something that comes along with that....I realize today that my motive is usually NOT to get pain or to be sick or any of that stuff.

love Anananda.

[lizw]

Unresolved relationships would cause anyone pain and confusion, I don't think you are alone on that one.

[kj3880]

Thanks everyone for the kind words. Sometimes that's all I really need, a few kind words, I guess.

Sheila, you asked about the story with J. He's the ex from 5 years ago, he never had an addiction or anything, and we lived together for some years, but he left when he became severely depressed. I never really understood why, but we always talked and kept up part of the relationship, even during some other relationships that we've had, we were always close friends.

Now that neither of us seems to be dating anyone else, we are getting closer again, and it's confusing. It makes me glad I'm not dating now, because I'd mess it all up the way I'm still half-@ss involved with J. It's not because there isn't anyone else, though. I have other men that interest me and ask me out, some of them are attractive, but I never seem to let go of my feelings for J.

I've given up on the time healing it idea because it's been 5 years, which is longer than we were together, and it still is really painful. I've never had this happen before. I've had my heart broken, and I've broken a few hearts too, but I was always able to keep moving afterwards. So this is awful, but must be some reason I can't let go. I'll let you all know if I ever figure it out.

Ananda, thanks for your idea of doing things. That really does seem to help me. While I was at work, I didn't even think about J. So for now, I guess, just keep busy, keep my head up, and talk to you guys (and my sponsor). I want to bring it up in a meeting to see if that helps, but it really is pretty far off the recovery topic, isn't it?
KJ

[DSodaNow]

Hope you are feeling better today!

[bostonluv]

I completely understand KJ. I'm in very a similar situation although I can't say that I love or am in love with my boyfriend, exboyfriend? friend with benefits? What the hell do you call these people?!! Yes, it's very confusing. It's also probably very comfortable and I don't think anyone can understand that unless they're in one of these type of relationships. I do think it holds us back from dating and being with other people though. If our heart is in another place we can't really move forward.

I'm sorry you're in pain over this man. He doesn't sound like such a bad guy either...

"The heart wants what it wants." ~ Woody Allen

[kj3880]

Thanks, DSota, Boston, and everyone else.
I did have a better day today, in fact. I did stuff with my adult daughter all day. Went shopping, errands, did makeup together, all kinds of stuff. We are both on evening shift today, so it was nice having someone to hang out with. She doesn't understand J. either. She says it's one of the big mysteries of life why he left what seemed to be a really happy relationship and family. But at least we did get to have a better day today. I guess one day at a time, huh? I think I heard that somewhere before...hmmmm.
KJ

[CarolD]

um...Kathleen
I remember remember where Woody Allens heart took him.


KJ...
I'm glad you had a pleasant day with your daughter.
Of course...that beats the heck out of
all the J. "pie in the sky" promises.

[bostonluv]

um...Kathleen
I remember remember where Woody Allens heart took him.

HA HA! You are correct Carol. Point taken.

[ananda]

Hi KJ....as you know I am in a somewhat similar situation...although not so long standing and probably more differentthan the same, but I think the feelings are similar.

I think it is truley a blessing to be able to feel love toward someone...regardlesss of how it turns out...but then I am the cynical romantic

[endzoner]

cant see the future till you disolve the past ....... my best friend just said that to me last nite on the phone and ooh so how true it is , Not saying its easy but its definatly the truth