The New Sober Me...

[DSodaNow]

Does anyone have any experiences they can share in regard to the changes in your relationships as you got sober?

It seems that just when I am getting to a state of happiness and progression thru my steps, my husband drops bombs on me. Such as he is feeling disconnected, that I don't talk to him anymore and that he is worried about me.

This is completely the opposite of what I am feeling. And now he has started drilling me on where I will be, when I will be home and he has even questioned how I am dressing! (I am a fairly conservative person.)

These are never things that came up in our relationship before.

Sincerely,
The wife who feels untrusted

[TTOSBT]

AAaahhhh. No I am not having the same issues but I know several women in the program that have the same issue with their husbands. I think that it is growing pains. take it as a compliment that you look SOOOOO good now, he knows other men will be looking at you
Seriously, I would sit down and talk to him. He is probably feeling a little insecure as you now have this new life outside of the home that he is not a part of.

[DSodaNow]

Originally Posted by TTOSBT

Seriously, I would sit down and talk to him. He is probably feeling a little insecure as you now have this new life outside of the home that he is not a part of.

You are right. I should try and talk to him, but I get my feelings hurt so easily and offended so easily. He called me earlier from work and I could tell that he was trying to make peace, but when he asked how I was doing, I came back with "Great, for a wife whose husband doesn't trust her and thinks she dresses like a wh*re."

I know, I am a little dramatic.

Just to fill you in on the whole clothing issue. I was getting ready this morning and had on a pair of jeans and a strappless cotton top (that did not show my stomach) and he asked if that is what I was going to wear. I laughed and said no. I was actually putting a long knit halter over it.

But then I thought....! What I was wearing wasn't that bad as it was and I see other women with the confidence to wear it wear outfits just like I had on. So I came back with, "what if I was going to wear it?" And he says... "Well, it isn't something you would normally wear and when people start doing things differently you have to wonder why."

UGH!

[51anna]

Hi DSoda,

What I know is that my relationship changed when I began recovery. I changed and what I gave and what I wanted in return changed. But, the lack of trust is something you might want to sit down and really discuss. It seems like your husband feels threatened by the sober you? Why? Hopefully you two can work this out.

[TTOSBT]

Well, you know he is right, right? That is absolutely true. You are acting differently, isn't it wonderful?? So, don't let him wonder!
Tell him that you are starting to feel good about yourself and gain your confidence back. You may act a little differently, dress a little differently, etc. but your love for him isn't any different!

Since I have gotten sober I have lost 35 pounds and go to the gym 3 times a week. I NEVER did that. PLUS I am out of the house with "strangers" almost every night of the week, either at meetings or DUI stuff. But i pay extra attention to my husband and remind him that I am very grateful that he is supporting me as I do this for myself.

[kj3880]

This happens all the time when we get sober. My SOB ex-a/B/F (like all those acronyms?) called my NA meetings "cheatings." I certainly wasn't cheating, and I still, months after our breakup, am not seeing anyone new. But I do dress really well for NA.

I asked myself why I dress so nicely when he and my kids questioned it. It's because people in there (in my area, anyway) look for things to compliment me on. They are so positive. I always get "Hey, nice hairstyle, great makeup, pretty top!" or something at meetings. The women especially, seem to really make an effort to look nice and to compliment each other. It's been great for my self-esteem. Maybe that's why I look so much better these days!
LK

[Harley3801]

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Does your husband drink? I know that when I stopped drinking, my husband felt somewhat lonely because he'd lost his "drinking buddy." I'm the alcoholic in the family . . . he can have one glass of wine 3-4 nights a week and call it quits. We used to go out to dinner 5 nights a week and then stopped because that was a trigger for me. If your husband drinks, could it have something to do with the fact that you don't drink and he does?

[DSodaNow]

Originally Posted by Harley3801

.
Does your husband drink? I know that when I stopped drinking, my husband felt somewhat lonely because he'd lost his "drinking buddy."

My husband is not really much of a drinker. He will drink occassionaly, but he isn't an alcoholic. He actually would have stopped drinking if I asked him too, but I did not want him to and I haven't found it to be a problem for me for the most part. And when it is, I have told him.

[ananda]

all my relationships changed when I got sober. Even though people were basically glad I got sober, many actually prefered me when I drank ... personality wise.

My MOTHER of all people...is jelous of all my time with friends and with AA and feels unneeded now.

We went through this the last time I got sober and although it took a long time to get there...she really did like me sober and we got along...so I know it will get better in time.

The change in looks and dress is really strange...when I drank I toped out at 192 and then bottomed out at 130...I wore hand me down icky styled clothes once i started gaining...they were literally falling off me the last 2 months before treatment...and after treatment I got a whole new "younger" wardrobe. so I looked about 60 before and now look like a nice sexy for her age 49 year old (at least I like to think so)

So seems like its all a big chunk of change for otheres to swallow.

(but it p*ss me off too sometimes!)

[beingjenagain]

Whenever someone makes a big change it causes unrest for everyone else. Spouses are at the top of the list. Did you see When a man Loves A Woman? All of the sudden he didn't have his little wife to put back together. I know that my husband is at times annoyed by the new sober strong and confident me. I am getting more vocal about my wants and needs.
Just reassure him that it is still the old you just way way better!!!

[Sugah]

My biggest fear in getting sober was that I didn't know who I was sober. Those around me didn't know the sober me, either. My (seven year) relationship ended when I entered rehab, and when I was about three months sober, he asked me, "Why couldn't you be this way with me?" He said he felt like he was talking to a different person. He was. But, we didn't put it back together - not only because I knew that his use would be a trigger for me (cocaine), but also because in addition to the things he liked about the "new" me, there were things he would not have been able to handle - like me having my own thoughts and opinions, or going places (meetings and elsewhere) without him.

As much as those who love us may have disliked our drinking, it was a comfort zone for them. They knew what to expect from us - even if that meant expecting the unexpected. While we are trying to be patient with ourselves in seeing what kind of person emerges from working steps, we have the added responsibility to be patient with our loved ones, too. Have you read "The Family Afterward?"

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Harley3801]

Originally Posted by DSodaNow

My husband is not really much of a drinker. He will drink occassionaly, but he isn't an alcoholic. He actually would have stopped drinking if I asked him too, but I did not want him to and I haven't found it to be a problem for me for the most part. And when it is, I have told him.

I didn't ask my husband to stop drinking either . . . there was no need to put that added stuff on him since he isn't an alcoholic.

What I did ask of him was that he not bring alcohol in the house any longer. If it was that easily accessible, I know I'd never have been able to stay away from it.

He's a good man and he honored that request without any hesitation. I've always been grateful for that.

[DSodaNow]

Just wanted to let you all know that my husband and I had a good conversation. We both calmly talked about our feelings and discussed with each other what we think the other could do to help in the future.

I think that I am a little sensitive right now and am perhaps taking things too much to heart. I also think I am interpreting things a little skewed.

Hopefully we can work thru this. I really want to.