Some days are a struggle to get through

[nandm]

I am really struggling today. I realize that at this point I am powerless over my youngest daughter. But it is heartbreaking to miss the child that I have not seen in nearly 7 years except one time over 5 years ago. She is now 13, she was 5 when I let her dad take her.

I hate the fact that he did not live up to the agreement and send her to me during summers and holidays. My heart breaks when I see her picture, a drawing she did, a child that looks similiar to how she did, and sometimes just because. I called her a little while ago. It is so difficult to talk to her. What can I expect though; she doesn't even know me. I am a stranger to her. I am just the person her dad complains about. I am the one who in her eyes has abandoned her.

Conversations are pretty much like this: (me) Hi, how are you doing?.......(her) Ok...............silence..............(me) How are you doing in school?.........(her) good...........silence............(me) what classes do you enjoy?.........(her) none in particular.............silence............(me) I just called to see how you were doing. I should probably go now. I will talk with you later..............(her) ok............click.......... How do you talk to someone who doesn't really want to talk with you?

How do you find a relationship with your own child when you have tried repeatedly to help her understand you did not abandon her? I have written several letters to her over the years explaining my reason for letting her live with her father even though I was granted custody. In those letters I avoid saying anything negative about him. I do send money to support her even though there is no paperwork saying I have to. I send money for school clothes when school rolls around each year. I never forget a birthday or holiday.

I have offered repeatedly to fly her out here. She has refused repeatedly....her father made her afraid to fly once he took her so within 6 months of her being gone she refused to board a plane. I was able to fly out there once to see her. For me to go see her I have to rent a hotel room, rent a car, pay for a flight, take time out of school, and since I am only able to work occassionally due to the PTSD none of that is possible as there is no money to do it with. Sometimes life really sucks! I have lost my child..........this is worse than giving her up for adoption as I can't even hope she might care......I know she wants nothing to do with me. Oh well...some days just suck!

[Impurrfect]

awww, sweetie, this has to be really hard for you.

Never give up hope for a relationship with her. She's still young, and she knows you love her. She is now a teen, and their world revolves around them (my niece is 15, and currently pitching a fit because she can't get her way).

Keep the lines of communication open, and I'm sure she will reach out to you at some point, though I know it's hard waiting.

Big hugs and prayers!

Amy

[ColdSweat]

Oh, nandm . I teared up while reading that. I find no proper words for response . Just that you're loved and supported. And I send you hope, from the deepest parts of my heart.

[51anna]

Oh Nan, that is so sad. I'm sorry you're going through this.

And, as I'm sure you know, there are no easy answers to solve this problem. But, I strongly believe that time will work in your favour. As she grows up and learns more about life and people, she will realize that you are not the enemy. I think that the early teen-age years are very self-centered years and, often especially difficult for girls, as they try to find their own way. I will send lots of prayers for you and your daughter, that things can work out between you.

[Bamboozle]

I'm sorry, nandm. I don't know what to say, so here's a hug:

[Toomutch]

I teared up over that as well. As she grows older, and you keep reaching out to her, I think that someday she will come around. I think it's awful that your ex talks badly about you, she must be confused.

Maybe you could start e-mailing her once a week or send a letter. Over time she will learn that the things her father has told her are not true. I'm not suggesting that you speak ill of him, just let her learn more about you and start developing a bond.

[Digginit]

HUGS.... There can't be many things harder. I hope that one day her pain will be diminished enough to let you through that wall....for both your sake and hers. She needs to know what a beautiful woman her mother is, despite whatever y'all have been through in the past.

[lizw]

I went for nearly a year without having my daughter living with me at the end of my drinking and beginning of my recovery.

She never use to call me Mum, either. She called my Mum, Mum and called me, 'My Elizabeth'. I still get teary when I say that. Little kids express their love in such innocent ways eh?

Like other people said, never give up. You seemed to be a very sensible woman and I'm sure you could come up with a way to work towards having a good relationship with her. And instead of flying her to see you, maybe you can consider flying out to see her???

I heard this lady (who I have a huge amount of respect for) say at an AA meeting once that despite the fact she has been sober/clean for 25 years she still regrets how her illness affecting her relationship with her kids, and she went on to say that may never change, feeling the regret. But that today, it was okay and she could accept it. I really related to what she said and it has stuck with me ever since.

Take it easy

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Just a big hug for you J..

xoxox

[Sugah]

I started thinking about all sorts of suggestions, but I realized that they'd be made in ignorance of what it's like to walk in your shoes. So, I'll stick to what I know we both understand. Give your relationship with your daughter to the god of your understanding, and you'll both be in good hands. I'll pray for you, too.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[cmc]

((((nandm))))
You have my support & prayers...plus my respect for facing this so gracefully and with such loving, gentle determination. Thank you for sharing your heart.

[nandm]

Thank you, each of you, for your kind and supportive responses.

I went to my home group meeting and spoke with my sponsor. I really have a lot of trouble opening up to people about things like this that are so close to my heart and painful. My solution has always been to stuff the pain deep inside when it tries to come up but that is no longer working for me. It isn't providing a solution to the pain only prolonging it. Thank you for giving me the courage to talk with my sponsor about this. Your responses were just what I needed.

I still don't have a solution to change things right now but I did not expect that I would. I will continue to keep in touch with her by writing letters and calling. Even if she is not real responsive on the phone at least she will know I care enough to keep in touch. I will ask her to come here for Thanksgiving this year. Then Christmas, then spring break, then a week or so in the summer. Sooner or later she is bound to take me up on it. Even if she doesn't at least she will know her sisters and I want to see her and spend time with her.

I know that I did actually abandon her by not coming out there that first year and taking her back when he failed to keep up his end of the agreement. I was still recovering from my wreck, was not able to work, and was working on walking again. Even so I could have gone out that next year when he didn't send her but I did not. I was working and the excuse at the time was I couldn't take the time off. I can not change my past actions or choices and I am still accountable for my them. Just as I am accountable for my actions and choices today. So my responsibility now is to work at being here for her and working on letting her know I am here when she is ready, that I have not and will not give up on her. That is all I can do at this time. Who knows what the future holds.

P.S. Part of my frustration with this whole thing is I made the decision to let her go with him at 9 months sober. I was still in a wheelchair from an accident where I went over a cliff wrecking a motorcycle at 6 months sober. I was struggling to just stay sober through a very difficult recovery where I was not even sure if I would be able to walk again. I also did not believe I would be able to go back to the career I had for 15 years at that time. It was a very frightening time. I was barely able to take care of myself let alone a 5 year old. My two older children are 8 and 10 years older than my youngest.

The thing that scares me the most is that there was medical evidence she was sexually abused when she was 2 and a half when we were going through a nasty custody battle following a nasty divorce. He was quite angry that I left him. I had the exam done because she told her head start teacher "my daddy hurt me down there." When the teacher called me in and told me I immediately notified the police and following their advice took her in for an exam. She was showing classic signs of abuse as well as the physical evidence that indicated it. The police woman that did the investigation was really understanding at first then after she spoke to my ex her attitude changed toward me. Actually, I believe that when she found out I am gay she changed her attitude. In southern Arkansas at the time, and probably today, being gay is not looked highly upon. So in the end the officer sided with him stating that there was not enough evidence to prove anything and that I was just being a vindictive ex wife who probably coached my daughter to say that and that the evidence may have been tainted since I had taken her to her regular physician rather than one that did not know her. She never even spoke with the head start teacher. Since I was drinking then I just buried this deep inside with more alcohol as it left me feeling extremely helpless to help my daughter. Ultimately, I was able to convince myself that the officer was probably right that nothing happened.

I have always had an uncomfortable feeling about his closeness with her even when she was a baby. Over the years this feeling along with the way he dotes on her has always left me with nagging doubts. When I let her go I was working so hard on just staying and keeping sober that I was in no way able to deal with the possibility that he had done something so I let her go with him. In a way it was to prove to myself that nothing did happen and that I was being fair to her because it was a way to stop the underlying tug of war. Even though the battle had become more of a cold war we had gotten to the point of being civil to one another by then. In fact he moved over 2500 miles away to be with her when I moved here. A couple of years ago a teacher at her school reported possible sexual abuse, he got angry thinking somehow I did it. How could I from over 2500 miles away? Again nothing was substantiated so it was dropped by the police and social services.

So ultimately, not only do I feel loss but I also feel a lot of guilt, helplessness and remorse. I decided several years ago that to try and take her from him would only cause her to resent me. So ultimately, I continue to try and keep a door open for her if she chooses to use it or need it. All the while praying that there is no abuse going on. That is why somedays I feel quite insane with the whole thing. Most days I can just leave it in the background of my mind but today I couldn't get her out of my head.

Again, thank you for your help.

[Fluttering]

nandm I am so sorry.. I know how this makes you heart hurt

..As time goes by and she comes into her own individuality as you contiue your efforts to remain connected I know the dawn of awakening will come & help her to know the love you feel for her.

Continued prayers for both you and your daughter and Big Hugs too

[indigo]

I am very very sorry to hear your pain, which is palpable through your writing. I haven't heard from my own daughter for many years and done't know if she is dead or alive, I pray each day.
You will be going on my positive thought list for a happy resolution and please accept my most sincere and heartfelt support.

indie

[Rowan]

Judith,

Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable situation here. What you wrote, and the others' replies, really helped me.

My eldest girl turned 16 on Sunday. 5 years ago, before going to rehab, I agreed to let her live full-time with her father. I was addicted to benzos at the time, and in a mental fog. I packed her bags and let him pick her up. Today, I believe she felt I was abandoning her. I haven't seen her in 4 years.

Through working with an addictions counsellor (and recovered alcoholic) - he reminded me that I was not a bad mother - I was just 'sick' at the time and active in my disease. This helped me to forgive myself, but yes, there are days when I am filled with despair not knowing when I will next see her.

She became estranged from my entire family, and has always had a close relationship with her father. When she was much younger, I was vigilant about their relationship; nervous when he was changing her diaper and stuff. I was never sure if that was about my own stuff (I have no recollection of my childhood) and/or it was triggering something tangible. I suspect I will never know. In any event, he has remarried and my daughter seems to have adjusted well, based on all accounts.

She finally spent a week at the cottage with my mother and her female cousins. It was bittersweet to hear my mother describe how she has changed. I miss her so very much.

And so - I understand the heartache, the halted conversations (I haven't spoken to mine in a couple of years, but it was like that when we did talk), the sadness.

I do believe that when she is older she will realize that she needs her Mom. Until then, I'll continue to send her bday and holiday gifts, cards, letters when appropriate, etc.
That's all I can do.

God bless, Judith.

[Done-With-It]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Oh Nan, that is so sad. I'm sorry you're going through this.

And, as I'm sure you know, there are no easy answers to solve this problem. But, I strongly believe that time will work in your favour. As she grows up and learns more about life and people, she will realize that you are not the enemy. I think that the early teen-age years are very self-centered years and, often especially difficult for girls, as they try to find their own way. I will send lots of prayers for you and your daughter, that things can work out between you.

{{{{Nandm}}}}

I think the above are very wise words.. In time when she is older and has more time and a wider angle to process her world she will be able to come to terms with what happened and see you in a different light. It is easy to hold out parents at the root of åll our anger.
I know that doesn't help much now. But she does love you,
just is hard to show it right now.
{{{ Nandm }}}}

[Celebration1994]

Your sadness has brought me to tears. I will pray for you and your daughter. What you have written is so heartbreaking. I have no suggestions, except to continue to do what you are doing. You need to keep talking about how you feel and ask for comfort during this storm. I found when I share a heartbreak with another it does give me just a little comfort and a little strength to keep on moving forward. Do the next sober thing and God bless you
Blessings & love
Terry

[CarolD]

I have no answers Judith ....Mega

I can tell you that I did leave all 3 of my children
all under 6 My Dad and Ex tricked me into signing
custody papers...giving Dad permanent custody.

My drinking at that time was no problem.
Like you...I kept in touch but not there physically.

Yes.. all 3 have voiced their resentment as adults.
My oldest and I have healed our relationship
The younger 2...not very much.

Right? Wrong? It no longer matters to me.
I asked God to forgive me and He has.

[kj3880]

Thanks for sharing this with us.
As a mother, I have to say that I think you are doing everything that you can. Keep on trying. Keep in contact as much as you can, and save up for a trip. If someone asks you what you want on your birthday...well you know the answer! If I was rich, I would fly you out there right now!

The good thing, which is also bad at times, about teens, is that their emotions change every other minute or so. Trust me, she'll go through a rough patch where she decides to reach out to you eventually if you just keep being there. Time is on your side.

If I were in this situation, I might try to write to Dr. Phil or Oprah or something and try to get them to help me have it investigated. It sounds crazy, but maybe it would work? I've seen him pay for a lot of therapy and reunions and stuff. I don't know, I guess I'm just grasping at straws now. I'm going to say the serenity prayer for you several times. Love from:
KJ

[nandm]

So I thought I was dealing with all this better over the past few days. But today I realized that all I have done is just internalize it all once again. I am back to grinding my teeth both in the day and at night in my sleep. It has been months since I have done that especially during the day. I realized how much it is still affecting me today. I am in the middle of remodeling the kitchen. We have been working on refinishing all the cabinets, they are a pretty pecan color but they are the original cabinets in a bungalow that was made in the 1950's so they needed to be refinished. We are also putting new laminate down on the counters as what was there was the original. We decided to put a new sink in as the one that was there, again the original, was a cast iron porcelin double sink. My g/f wanted to go with the cast iron porcelin again but I talked her into going with a granite composite that goes well with the new laminate on the counters. So she bought the $300 sink. We get it home and it had cutouts that had to be knocked out to place the faucet and stuff where ever you want them. So while knocking those out I broke the end of the sink top where the cutout was........I almost was in tears.....a $300 sink now ruined. I was worried my g/f would be so mad at me. She actually handled it well, was very understanding in fact but I think that is because she has not seen me that upset in a long time. I wasn't angry just upset. Fortunately, where the break is I think that I can glue it and it will not be noticable since it will be covered by the faucet. So I am crossing my fingers that the glue will hold it. I still feel like a heel for doing it as I normally do not make mistakes like that in construction. But my mind has still not recovered from the pain of the other day.

Ultimately some good came out of it as I finally talked with my g/f about the feelings I have been having about my daughter. I truly have difficulty talking with people about painful things because instead of crying, which would probably be simplier, I just get really anxious and stressed. Which many people misinterpret as anger. Fortunately, my g/f knows the difference. I am not sure why I have so much trouble with crying. Haven't done it in over 15 years. Today I just feel like if I were to start crying I might never stop. The words of my parents still ring loud and clear in my head "if you don't stop crying I will give you something to cry about!" Guess I don't want worse than what I am already feeling so it is safer not to cry.

Oh well.....that is my thought for today.

[lisa1235]

your today doesnt have to be your tommorrow..mistakes made can be unmade..its easier to tie than to untie..regrets can turn into revalations..whats lost can be found..its easier to lose than to gain..for us in recovery it was much faster going down than it'll ever be climbing back up..all i've learned is that we'll get there if we just ''hold on''one day at a time...we'll get there..where time has healed all. even the relationship with your daughter..i hope this can give you a little peace.