I feel such a fool

[Tessie]

Hi I'm new here
I have joined this forum because I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I've just been used for my money by a man who I thought had feelings for me. I honestly cannot get over the extent of the lies this man told me to get what he wanted. We hadn't even known each other for long, but it was very intense and I was beginning to have really strong feelings for him. I know something about heroin addiction as a couple of my friends in the past had addictions. While this man was with me, a friend called me and told me that I shouldnt trust him and that he was just going to use me. I didn't want to hear it. (this man was in the room with me at the time of the phone call from my friend) I had, very stupidly, given him a little money and I know he had gone out and used with it. I know how stupid I am for doing that!! And I know how wrong it was, and I know this is all about co-dependency, but it doesn't stop how hurt and used I feel now. Famous last words, he said he would pay me back, and of course he hasn't!! But I was so hoping he would! It's such a little amount of money and he told me I was worth more to him than that. I just dont understand why he bothered with the extent of the lies, I mean he just went overboard at how crazy he was about me. There was no need for that, it just hurts more now! I know now that I meant nothing. I was just a means to an end, and that has never happened to me before. I didn't do anything to deserve it. I was so suspicious and worried after the phone call with my friend. He had gone out (yeah you guessed why!) and I had some time to think on my own. I got so scared that my friend might be right that I decided I would have to just stop it now. So when he came back, I voiced my worries. He told me that he wouldn't ever do that to me, and said that my friend just didn't want me to be with him but somehow the fear was too big and I didn't believe him. I told him I had to go out and he should leave too. So he did and that was a few days ago. I knew that he would have money yesterday and all day I prayed he would return the small amount of money I had given him as he had said he would, but he hasn't. That's how I know I meant nothing. I just feel such a fool and I can't believe someone would actually do this to me.
I can't stop crying.

Tessie x

[nandm]

(((Tessie))))) welcome to SR and our womens forum.

I am sorry you are having such a struggle right now. Unfortunately, I do not have any experience to share with you but I am sure someone will be along shortly with some.

Take care. I am glad you are here.

[mle-sober]

I don't think that him not returning the money means he doesn't care about you. It means he's a HEROIN ADDICT!

Heroin addicts might truly care about people and tell you that they love you but they are not able to actually act like they love you because they are addicted to a drug that is controlling them.

Some people would say heroin addicts love only heroin. I don't think that's true. I think they are capable of feeling love. Just, they are not capable of consistently showing love because their addiction gets in the way. They have to find and use. They lie and steal to do so. They don't show up when they said they would because they are using. Etc.

Get out of this man's way. Don't ever expect the $ back. If he does repay you, say thanks and never loan him money again. And don't read anything into it about love or emotions. This man's whole life is really about heroin. That's the truth.

Unless and untill this man gets clean and sober - completely - stay away from him! I wouldn't date a heroin user unless they'd been clean and sober for a full year.

Sorry to be so blunt. But you do sound like you need a nice gentle thump on the head. Why would you want to get into a relationship with a heroin user, girl?

[51anna]

Yes, try to remember, this is your friend's issue.

You feel a lot of pain right now, but you have learned something from this.

[dancinggirl]

Aw, what a hard time for you!!! There are a lot of people on this site who've been right where you are...have you gone into the friends and family forum? I'm afraid I don't have any experience with dating an addict, but I sure do have experience with heartbreak with men!

[chiynita]

I agree with mle...You will always feel used if your involved with an addict.
Until they can love themselves properly. They can never love anyone else.

((HUGS))

[CarolD]

Well...I sure understand...

When I was still drinking I met a man thru bar friends
that lived across the street from me.
New in town...staying with an ill uncle.

We had a fast 10 day affair...he seemed to have
no money problems ..neither did I.

When I awoke on a Sunday...he was gone and so was
my billfold cash + credit cards. He also took
$500 from my "secret" hiding spot.

Even worse...when I called across the street
the uncle turned out to be a homosexual lover
of my new guy.....they met in prison ...and "uncle" had AIDS.
(the mans situation I verified with the resident manager
of the co op ...after the robbery )

I was at my doctor early Monday morning to find out
what to do after being exposed to AIDS.

Like you....the money was the least of my problems!

No I was not emotionally entwined but scared to pieces.
As it worked out...I never got AIDs.

I certainly learned to be more discriminating
about sex partners ...careful about my cash too.

I do hope you too will make better choices about lovers.
Some people are just criminals

[Snickers008]

Carol D- that is an unbelievable story! It sounds like something from a Lifetime movie.

Tessie- I am so sorry for your pain. You sound like such a gentle soul. I think later you will be grateful that the only thing this man cost you is a small amount of money and a few days of crying. I am glad he is out of your life.

[Paulie]

Originally Posted by chiynita

I agree with mle...You will always feel used if your involved with an addict.
Until they can love themselves properly. They can never love anyone else.

((HUGS))

As an addict myself, I could not have said it better.

Carol----thanks for sharing that. HP was looking out for you.

[Tessie]

Thank you so much to all of you for your replies. It's been good to read them, and I am thankful for the support. Carol D, that truly is a horrible thing to have happened to you, and I'm so sorry you went through that! Sending hugs to all here who have taken the time to reply. And thanks again
Tessie xxx

[ColdSweat]

Aww, honey. Love makes you do crazy things, don't feel like a fool. Your welcome here. And the guy... he's an addict, right? Addiction is a crazy thing itself, it spirals out of control and that person is powerless over the drug/drink/etc. I don't know your history with him beyond your post here, but all I can say is that I've had experience with loving people/living with people who are addicts... like my mother, for example. She doesn't mean it, that's just addiction. It doesn't justify what it did to you but you have to believe that it isn't YOU he's TRYING to hurt. <3

[indigo]

Welcome to SR I couldn't have put it any better than the others, looking forward to getting to know you better.

[kj3880]

Welcome!!! You are very welcome in the women's forum, we are happy you joined us, but also, as many of us do, check out the "Friends and Family" forum in addition to this one. There's some cool ladies in there to help out with any codie issues you think of. But of course, keep posing here too!!!

As an addict, I can tell you that when we're in active addiction, we often get into and/or stay in relationships simply for the purpose of using people and their money to get drugs. And we also use and abuse people that we do actually love.

Give yourself a break and leave this guy alone. You got off easy if you get out now. You don't have to play this one out to see how it's going to end. I urge you to tell your story in "Friends and Family" to get feedback from the women there. You'll hear some long-term horror stories that'll stand your hair on end in that forum!

Love from:
KJ

[kj3880]

Tess, here's something that I copied off the friends and families forum for you:


What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

[TinyElvis]

I am so very sorry for your pain....I think we have all felt this way at some point in our lives....chalk it up to experience and learn from this valuable lesson, but, don't beat yourself up over it!

[Tessie]

It's around 6 am here (I'm in the UK) and things have gone from bad to ridiculous...I'm kind of embarassed to write this, but I think that by writing it I will be able to see it more clearly or something, and maybe just to get it 'out'. So, this guy, well I haven't seen him for 2 weeks. He's been in....wait for it....prison. I lost my Mum 18 months ago, but if she were still here I can just hear her saying 'Well, love, sounds like he has a lot of prospects!' LOL! Anyway, since he left I've been doing a lot of thinking. I have no idea if this guy will ever come to see me again or try to contact me. I have a feeling he might be gay anyway! (I know! this is just so stupid!) But my feelings are not stupid and whatever the outcome would have been, I don't trust myself not to go down that terrible road with him should he decide to come back. I realise this makes me an addict too, but with an addiction for being with someone like him. So today, I'm moving house. I know I must be crazy to do this for this reason, but if he came back, I know I wouldn't be strong enough, so I'm going far away where no-one can reach me. I don't know what else to do to stop this from happening:
This forum has really helped. Reading your replies here and other posts about addiction has made me see that this is what I would be setting myself up for, but I am ashamed at how far I am prepared to go to stop it, and yet that means removing myself, even from my house, because I am not strong enough to resist....

xx

[kj3880]

I agree. Do what you have to do to get away from him. Totally. And know that many male addicts, especially if they are gay or bi, market themselves as male prostitutes!!! Yikes!!! Disease is common in that market. If you do get with him, use precautions. But please don't get with him.
KJ

[Tessie]

Thank you x I won't get with him, I'm running away as fast as I can. I will post again when I have moved. Thank you for all the support x

[deerwalk]

Thank God you got out of that one CarolD! Tessie, I'm sorry you hurt so badly. I've been lied to by guys (and gals) too. I can't say much that won't sound trite- but it isn't your fault, you're probably a giving, trusting person- you just trusted the wrong individual. We all make mistakes. You're not stupid! You were taken advantage of- it happens to the best of us. I hope you heal honey, don't let this fool rob you of a trusting and giving nature, and don't beat yourself up about it.

[CarolD]

Wow! I think you are sooo smart to move!
Double
In your new home you can find friends who are not
addicts and/or criminals. I'm really proud of you

[coffeenut]

Yes you are strong enough to resist. You must be. The only person who can take care of you, is you.

Please keep reading and posting. There is a wealth of help and information here at SR.

[Tessie]

Thank you all so much x
Well, I've moved and I'm in my new place now. I can't believe I've actually done this! It feels crazy but yet so necessary. I was in my house before for years so this feels strange right now, but I guess it will feel like home soon. I still have one more thing to tackle.... The urge to find out what's going on back home. People who know this guy have my mobile phone number, and even though I'm far away now, I still know I have an addictive side that still wants to connect. So I have to really watch that! But, it is better that I'm no longer in the area and he can't just go to my house etc.
This is just so weird! But it helps to have this forum to go to...
Tessie xx

[beingjenagain]

You go girl!! You are stronger than you know. As long as you moved maybe you should go ahead and ge a new phone too!!!

[mle-sober]

Can you change mobile phone numbers?

Just think of it as an adventure. Like the witness Protection Program!

All joking aside, I think you are doing a good job of taking care of yourself. Insulating yourself from the threat of this toxic man's presence is an assertive thing to do. And even if he does one day show up at your door, your very surroundings will be a reminder to you of how important it is that you keep your boundaries with him.

Good job. GREAT job.