Love and Recovery

[Rainbowgirl128]

Sorry I need to vent about my SO for a minute and see what advice I can get on here. So this is someone I have been talking to/dating for over a year now. Then she cheated on me in May with my friend and ever since then we have been talking but also open to dating other people. She doesnt tell me if she dates other people and I dont really want to know. I am just trying to get my own life on track and not worry about what she is up to

The reason I am posting this is because she really upset me over the weekend and I wanted nothing more than to go out and drink my sorrows away. What happened was that I became annoyed with her because I havent seen her for a week or two. Every time ive tried to get in touch with her to meet up she is busy with other people/things. So on Friday I text her saying that i wasnt going to chase her around and beg her to hang out. She texts me back a couple hours later and said "dont you ever get sick of your own drama?" Like I am the one being unreasonable just because i want to see her.

I am wondering if this is why recovery programs advise people against being in relationships during early recovery. Should I stop talking to her? Or should I just leave her alone until she makes more of an effort? I miss her if I dont hear from her/see her for a couple days. But its not fun when she acts aloof and acuses me of being a drama queen. HELP! What should i do?

[ananda]

I recently have had a few dates with a man who is "playing the field" (not having sex..just the dating part). I care a great deal about him, but i may not have a date with him very often.

OK - so it does bother me and I sometimes feel as you are describing...however, what I am finding is that it's really all about me....Its about what I learn about myself through this process...less about wether or not I will continue to see him...less about whether or not he is being fair...

It seems that I am fine when I am focused on my life, cause i do have one...he is not the end all be all, and the focus is on what I learn about who I am, what I beleive, choices that i make, feelings that I have...all that stuff.

Today I don't believe that I will drink "over a relationship" I believe if I drink I will drink over something about me that I need to accept or change. He could have a different name, a different personality, a different everything...I am still me.

I'm not saying it very good, but maybe some of you will understand.

My sponsor always says as long as I am working on the solution the whats going on of my life are going to be ok....And she also lets me cry when I just need to get some of that stuff out and feel it and look at it as I move toward a solution.

[Paulie]

Today I don't believe that I will drink "over a relationship" I believe if I drink I will drink over something about me that I need to accept or change.

Well said. To say that you will drink over someone is an excuse.

I am just trying to get my own life on track and not worry about what she is up to

That is exactly what you should do.

[mle-sober]

It doesn't really sound like she is that into you. It sounds like you are much more vulnerable in this relationship than she is. Sometimes, relationships are just like that. A little uneven. But, if I were you, I don't think I would tolerate it. I would move on. She doesn't sound very nice, even. Don't you want some one who's nice to you? At the very least?

And for God's sake, don't DRINK over her! You shouldn't give anyone the power to do that to you!

[51anna]

I think it's best to focus on your recovery and try to avoid people who cause anxiety and drama in your life. Recovery is hard and I know I needed all my energy to be able to move forward.l

[Rainbowgirl128]

Thanks for all of your replies. Honestly, she was a really great and positive person in my life until she cheated on me and ever since then I guess I have been afraid of losing her. Like every time I am not with her i wonder what/who she is doing LOL. It's a fairly complicated situation but at this point she has ALL the power. I am always the one to text her and it does seem like i care more about seeing her than her about seeing me. Maybe my neediness is driving her away or she takes for granted that I will be there if/when she wants me. I am usually pretty good at keeping people at a distance but when it comes to her...I feel that if I dont make the effort, neither will she and we just wont talk anymore. It is hard to break these things off when you have memories of times when things were good. I think the first step in getting any power/respect back from her is simply to not text her and not try to see her and see what she does. I will be really hurt if I don't hear from her ever again and she ends up with someone else. Maybe I am more addicted to her than to booze!

Anyway, I understand that drinking over a relationship is an excuse. I was just expressing that the sadness I felt on Friday (which was brought on by the way she was acting) made me feel like going out drinking with my friends to forget about the pain. I won't do it though because if I do that nothing will be better. In fact, every time ive been upset with her and went out drinking i always send her emotional messages the next day that I regret. Emotions suck.

Thanks again for your responses