Withdrawls....

[SkyIsFalling42]

2stop!!!!

Quick sis, talk to me...im having withdrawl symptoms today I just realized we usually talk more than we have been!!!
So, just lemme have a word or two..ok?? I wont take more than what is good for me, I promise!!!!
So is there any one that we need to trap???? anyone needs their butt kicked??? anyone need flushed down the watery hole?? Anything we can get into????
If so, just let me know..im there sis!!

[2stop]

Well, I am in a mess right now. It's my own making. My husband has agreed to drop me off at the bus station tomorrow morning..he may be bluffing, but I'm not. i am packing my bags. I don't care where i go or where i end up, I am broken down tired, inept and have failed at just living. I think i will go the Grand Canyon and sit up on a cliff and beg God to talk to me , strike me with lightening, anything to let me know He's there. AllI know how to do is run, as fas t and a s far as I can. I am too tired and scared to re build my life, I know It sounds pathetic and just plain whiny and disturbed..it's where i'm at. I'm sorry i am not stronger Sky, I really truly am. I know in my heart how hard I've tried but that doesn't make me any more salvageable I'm afraid.

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((2stop)))
Man you are in a heck of a state!! Are you really gonna go to the bus station?? Why??? What happened?? Are you leaving your man??
You are VERY salvageable!!! Sis, my gosh, what has got you so down on yourself?? Never have thought of you as PATHETIC, have you ever thought of me that way?? I didnt think so.
You want to give up?? Why??

[2stop]

Yes, I really want to go the bus station and just go wherever I may, sad yes it is. I don't function very much at all Sky, you can't raise two kids and be as messed up in the head as I am, not all my problems are addiction related, but that sure doesn't help and it's really knocked my health down. my kids need a mother who can provide, not one so beaten down she can hardly take care of herself. it kills me inside to have to leave my kids and husband. I love my family more than life itself..and I will set them free from my chains of restraint. I don't contribute like I should, Oh God how I try, but I am so so tired I can't see straight. The agoraphobia is getting so bad i just want to crawl in a corner and hide , but on the othe hand I want to fight harder..but when I fight harder I just get more crazy in the head. There is no escaping this crap..it has a hold on me and I am heartbroke and sad, but enough is enough ya know? I will do whatever it takes to allow my family the chance to have a sane and productive life. I would give my life for my family.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Sis
Where do you think you will end up?? How will you take care of yourself? Your kids need their mother, they only have one. It breaks my heart that you feel this way about yourself. I know that you have alot of struggles right now, I really do. And I hear that you are saying it is too much for you, and I can understand those feelings, I really can. What can be done to make your life a little better? Like plans for driving, plans for an apartment, plans for anything that will help restore the you that you want back.
I felt the alot like this when i left my husband with 3 little kids looking to me for all of their needs. Going to that battered womens shelter was so very hard for me to do, I did not think that I would make it, I really did not. But with support, and one little step and then another, somehow we got through.
I am very concerned that you want to just go anywhere..with no plans at all. I know the feeling but am concerned about the reality??
You are putting so much pressure on yourself..when i do that the panic is worse.

[2stop]

I've been working so hard on making plans to drive again, making plans to go to meetings, making plans to work on the PTSD, making plans to work on the OCD...I've got plans wrapped around my neck and choking me..I really do try so hard, but reality to me is also knowing when you are beat and when you to fold your cards, knowing when your presence is more of a burden than anything else. My husband has had to shoulder a lot of burdens because of me being so sick for so long and he really is a wonderful man, he's tired, he's exhausted...and I don't want to hurt my family anymore. I don't know what to do besides giving them their life back...and it hurts me so deeply for them I just feel like I'm crumbling inside. I don't want to admit defeat at all..but defeated is exactly where I am. Maybe I'll wake up with a better grip on myself, I hope so, but i really doubt it.

[SkyIsFalling42]

What one of the things you have been working on is the most important right now?? Can you just concentrate on the most important for a while?? Sometimes we have to do things this way..we have to. You sound overwhelmed to the gills..why do we do this to ourselves??
Did the marriage vows you took mention for better or for worse? He is upholding his vow at this time. At another time, you will be able to fulfill your vow to him. Love is give and take, Tammy, and this situation is not written in stone..you will not always be this way.
For little children, their mother is their life.

[2stop]

But that's the whole overwhelming point-I don't believe I can make my life any better!! I want to believe, I try faking it until I make it and anything else I can come up with. My children need to have the best life they can, and I love them more than anyone could ever know-I have never ever left them to go out with friends, never left them to go do drugs..I have always always been theer for them. they were both born prematurely and they are my precious blessings..They can't watch me self-destruct anymore, they don't deserve to have to watch me so sick. So many days for a few years now I can't get out of bed-but i do, I may have to lay down or sit here at the computer, but to really interact and clean and cook meals like I used to-I can't. It embarrasses them that I can't drive, that I have a hard time leaving the house...they are so innocent. A couple of years ago I had a neurological test that showed something the doctor had never seen before, I was having problems then with gripping stuff and not being able to walk very far, severe muscle cramps, weakness-they made me an appointment in Dallas but I couldn't drive up theer, so I missed the appoinment and said to hell with it.I'll be alright. But there is something wrong and I know it my gut. I have had counselors tell me they thought my driving phobia was neurological based, not emotional.. All I know is I am so sick I feel like I am dying and I know all the years of pill addiction really screwed things up and made it hard to diagnose me. I get muscle cramps so bad I scream sometimes-and these are unrelated to detox. You know when you know in your gut something? Well that is how I feel..And I can work as hard as I want on one problem..the others rise up and just sabotage me, lay me out flat. All I know is I am to the point of interviewing a loving nice woman to raise these precious kids of mine. This hurts deeper than I can relate-and I am sure it sounds chickenshit as hell, but I am serious about my kids being raised with proper attention and care. It is too hard for a kid to watch their parent slowly die before their eyes. I hope one day they will understand how much I loved them and I only want what is best for them.

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((Tammy)))
Here is one big hug im sending to you. I do know what pain that hurts too deep feels like. Muscle cramps can be caused by too much adreneline from the stress you are under. I hope there is nothing serious wrong with you..isnt there any way you can get to a doctor to get this all checked out. I think that should be a top priority for you.
I am truly sorry that you are going through this.

[wishIsedNO]

Butt i just had to cause what i hear 2-stop saying i just cant believe my ears or eyes i should say..for the past month or so since ive been coming to these forums ive always looked forward to 2-stops cheery but comical view to recovery and life..
And now to hear such the opposite im just like where is this coming from all though i understand completely all though we got totally different stress' i feel a mothers job like i sed before and my mom says all the time is the most thankless job.. underpaid..and overlooked....but i really think that if u think u doing such a bad job as a mother your kids are gonna be 10 times worse off if u leave em'..i know how u might feel like u up against the wall..and u just feel it be better off just to run and feel the fresh air on your face and have alll these guilts and stress' outta mind and only yourself to deal with but u older than me so u know these problems will only follow u and become doubly painful..i really hope that u will find another way..theres many places u can go to get help maybe u could go to an out patient program or something maybe something that could include your family too,,cause its not only u that might need adjusting..i really really hope u dont leave...give yourself more credit then u r..my opinion your letting the disease take the wheel..and if it keeps it up your headed for a tree..maybe SKY will help u out..goodluck..and i will have u in my prayers..Jacqueline

Tammie,

You've got some all or nothing stinkin thinkin going on right now. You are missing quite a few steps inbetween. If your husband can drive you to a bus station, he can just as easily drive you to a hospital. I truely believe that you need a rest and some impatient treatment right now. The severe cramps you have could be a serious side effect from the medication and you need to get in and follow up on the tests the doctor wants you to take. All or part of this could be physical.

You have a lot of medical issues to attend to. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your family.

[2stop]

If it makes anyone feel better i really hate myself for being so weak, I really really do, I am so afraid I have truly lost my mind..I would take an a** whoopin and be beat half to death if it knocked any sense into my head. iI would play in traffic if it got me well, but I'm not well and I can't figure it out. I know how weak I am, I know how pathetic I am, and i deserve to be called every name in the book and then some. I am so sorry I have let you guys down.

[SkyIsFalling42]

2stop
you have not let us down, we love you for who you are. We are all weak at times, and that is acceptable in life, totally. You are not weak and pathetic, you are human.
Look lady, you better quit picking on my sis like you are!! She is good, kind, worthy, trustworthy, and many other things to us!!

[2stop]

I don't know what to do..maybe this is a sadistic form of surrender or something, because right now I don't have an ounce of power or self-will in me, I'm almost too tired to even run away. Ya know.I don't think I have a bad life..I think I have a messed up brain that is working against me, that wants me dead or near dead or ruined. I don't even trust what I am feeling at all today, if I had a strait jacket i would put myself in it. I want to work through all this so bad, but I don't know how. I have always been the type I could talk anybody out of suicide, and have many times..but I would get back home and beg myself not to take a couple hundred pills with some booze. That's really messed up!! I know many of us are like this, Why? Why do refuse to give to ourselves what we will so willingly give to another in need? I don't understand. Maybe I will one day. I tell myself everyday let it all go! Walk away from your old life Tammie, you know you can handle anything..you have many many times. But that's the whole point..I only thought I did I guess. Feeling the pain and not covering it up hasn't worked yet. Am I too impatient, am I not feeling enough? God help me if I have to feel anymore!! Okay..I'm done venting all my BS. I'll get so far into my stinkin thinkin I'll never get out.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Hey, maybe you just really need a short break..rest your head and body. Let yourself have that, it is ok to do this when we need to. It is not weakness, it is survival!!

[2stop]

Jacqueline,Ya know what you said about me letting the disease take over the wheel, I need to steer my own life or I'm gonna hit a tree? I like that you wrote that to me...I know it's what I gotta do. I'm just scared to death that I let my disease go to far ya know? I know all addicts fear that, I don't so much feel alone, just beaten up. I hope you are doing okay today.

Tammie,

You have to rule out the physical first. I am really concerned that you missed that test. Please reschedule at a time when your husband or someone else can take you.

Hugs,
MG

[Doppelganger]

(((((( Tammie )))))))!


Ummm... you said you would play in traffic if it got you well. So get thee to the doctor. You're not well and you don't understand it? Sometimes it's not something we can understand. Sometimes it takes a pro. Sometimes it's simply not something we or time can fix.

It's obvious that your children mean the world to you. The best of all possible worlds for them would not be having their Mom out of their life. The best would be to have their Mom whole and happy and with them. If you won't go to the doctor for yourself... do it for your kids. Give them the opportunity to have that best world. And whoever said "if your husband can drive you to the bus station he can drive you to a hospital" gets a double ditto from me.

Tammie... you are not an imposition. God did not place six billion three hundred fifty two million important people on the earth and Tammie... who doesn't count. You are as important as anyone else. You have a right to all the things anyone else has a right to. If another of your family members was ill, would you resent them? Of course not. You'd want to see them cared for. You have a right to that care, too. You have a right to the best shot you can give yourself. For you, that means getting medical attention.

You count. There are six billion three hundred fifty two million and one important people on the earth.

Dop

[2stop]

((DOP))-Thank you for the encouraging words..I know what you are saying is true and I am working really hard on loving myself, I don't know why I hate to accept help yet I want help so badly! I know ya ll understand and I am so thankful for you guys!

[bubblze30]

Hi I was just reading all that was written and I must say early in recovery the insanity is just about as strong if not 100 times stronger then when we are using. We get our feeling and sences back and we have no idea what to do with them. It's that rollercoaster ride from hell we just run from and use. 2 stop you are a very intelligent women and have alot of insight . You need to sh** or get off the pot. Just let all the past thoughts of being an awful mother(I was one for almost eight years) and be the mother you want to be. I know all the dreams you have of being normal and descent person and mother. We forget that we are people sometimes. We act as though we are robots in hell. Fighting anyway we can to destroy ourselves, but until we stop the stinking thinking and start to fight for ourselves we will get no where. So get up brush yourself off and be the women, mother, and wife that I know you can be. You are not any of the negative things you think. What you are in a women trying to stay away from a drink or a drug..............I was the same way up until around a month ago and I have over 2 years. Its not easy but you are stronger then you think.................

[2stop]

Thank you for sharing with me Bubblze. I really do appreciate it. I think you're right the insanity gets worse in the beginning of sobriety. I swore I went totally whacked this weekend. I'm trying to pick myself up again. It just seems like I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I fel so lost and confused most of the time.

[bubblze30]

Never try to figure yourself out. That leads to more confusion. Just try to keep it in the moment and go with the flow. Sometime the least bit of thinking is were our best thoughts come in . Find a higher power talk to it about everything or write a journal the more you get out talking or writing the less you have to carry. this is what I find to be helpful. So whatever works. A day at a time. You have been very helpful to me at times so please hang in there and please try to be as posative as you can be. You are a very important and insightful women. Don't ever forget that. Also when you think that you are no good for anyone remember your kids love and need you and so do we....

[2stop]

Thank you! :kisshug:

[SkyIsFalling42]

(((2stop)))
Love ya Sis!! Sendi