Help?...

[wearysoul]

I tried posting in newcomers, but not getting any reply, and I feel in a desperate situation, so trying here. Forgive the repost...

When I was 16 I was diagnosed as an alcoholic and spent a year in a rehab. I learned all about drugs and felt left out I guess because I wasn't even admitted for drug or alcohol abuse, just depression. Eventually, I became obsessed with trying different drugs. I was addicted to what I thought was obtaining a higher level of mental and spiritual clarity. Then it almost destroyed my life. I found cocaine, I actually searched for it, and then it was there, and I was doing it everyday, quit my job, lived with a man 17 years older than I, quit college, lost my motivation to write, act, and even live. This went on for 2 years until I got pregnant. Getting pregnant with my son saved my life and other than occasional (maybe five times total) marajuana use and diet pills, I stayed off drugs. I did continue social drinking but I have never had a problem since high school with stopping when I needed to, or if I saw myself drinking too often, cutting myself off completely. I was obsessed with internet chatting for a couple years, which I swear was almost like drugs, but I grew tired of it eventually. About a year ago, I was at an old friends house, and I agreed to taste a line of cocaine, which eventually lead to my snorting some, and at first, I couldn't imagine why I had been addicted in the first place 20 years ago. But somehow, this grew into an addiction that I can't control at all. My life seems muted. I can't write, I can't read, even if I could see, which I often can't when I'm using. I can't function for days after using even if I quit for a few days. I feel drained of everything and still I feel like I have to have it. There's something in the stimulating affect that drives me, but it's so short lived, I don't get it at all. I'm too old for this. I've had to move three times in the last year due to money problems, partly attributed to my drug use, I have alienated my sober friends, made terrible decisions regarding my teenagers, and feel like I will never be able to stop. I quit for a week or two, maybe even three and as soon as I have some money, I'm calling to get some. Sometimes what I get makes me so depressed and oppressed I feel like dying, or that I am dying. My entire social network currently seems to use cocaine, and I worry about losing friends, or being too weak to say no if they have it. It sounds ridiculous at my age to be worrying about such things so then I think it must just be an excuse to keep using. Using something I hate.. and love... and that is going to kill me. I often have to drink or take anti-anxiety pills (xanax or pain killers of some sort) just to stop freaking out inside. I can't go into a drug rehab, people need me. My mother is elderly, I have to take care of her, my kids need me, but at the same time, they are losing me. Last night I thought I might die from a heart attack. I already have tachicardia (sp), which is a speeding up of the heart at irregular intervals and have a heart murmur. I also suffer from add, bipolar (mostly the depressed side, the upside is maybe I'll feel normal occasionally), and ocd (the kind that inhibits normal daily functioning where I can't go out, cant clean, can't take care of anything) and cocaine seems to acerbate the issue. Normally, for me, I can go without medication, but I feel like I'm getting crazier, and more dysfunctional each day. I don't know what to do. Everyone knows, and no one knows for sure, and I don't want anyone in my family to know, or my life long friends that have never even considered using. I think it would kill them. They already think I'm a screw up (for good reason I guess). I don't want to lose another year of my life, or my kids lives. I have plans for my future, to finish college, to travel, to finish one of the 100 novels I've started, to do something important. And when I'm using, I can't even enjoy thoughts of any of that. It's like my soul is being sucked dry. It's liked I've reversed twenty years and lost everything I worked to become. I don't even know if I can ever be whole again. If I can survive this. Sometimes it all seems useless and hopeless and like I should just give up completely. But too many people need me, rely on me. Unfortunately for them I know...
If anyone could help.. I don't know... has anyone else felt this way?

k.

[Paulie]

But too many people need me, rely on me.

How good will you be to them if you die?

Get to an NA meeting, today. There is help in the rooms, you will meet people just like you.

You can be whole again, but you have to take the first step which is making a choice to stop using.

[suz10]

Originally Posted by wearysoul

I don't want anyone in my family to know, or my life long friends that have never even considered using. I think it would kill them. They already think I'm a screw up (for good reason I guess). I don't want to lose another year of my life, or my kids lives. I have plans for my future, to finish college, to travel, to finish one of the 100 novels I've started, to do something important. And when I'm using, I can't even enjoy thoughts of any of that. It's like my soul is being sucked dry. It's liked I've reversed twenty years and lost everything I worked to become. I don't even know if I can ever be whole again. If I can survive this. Sometimes it all seems useless and hopeless and like I should just give up completely. But too many people need me, rely on me. Unfortunately for them I know...
If anyone could help.. I don't know... has anyone else felt this way?

k.

I am not a drug user and I am fairly new to recovery BUT from your post, I can say you should go to your friends/family members/NA/a pastor at your church, anyone... and tell them you need help. You are worth it. You say your mom needs you. You can't help her or anyone else if you are DEAD or in jail!!
Don't you think your sober friends will be thankful that you came to them for help and want to get better NOW instead of talking about how they only wish you had come to them sooner, before it was too late.
You are worth so much more than you know...to your mom, to your kids. I hope you seek help as soon as possible. Keep posting. I am sure you will find help on this site. Also, you may want to go to the drug addiction section. I will say a prayer for you.

[Harley3801]

.

No wonder you're a "Wearysoul" . . . . You've got an awful lot going on for one person to handle.

IMHO, you need to see a doctor. And if not a doctor, at the very least, go to an NA meeting.

And the he!! with worrying about what your family & friends think. You need to worry about you or you're going to be the one who doesn't make it. Not them.

If you can't get to a dr. or an NA meeting on your own, you need to get someone in your family/friend network to help you help yourself . . . . .

Do it now. If you don't, then five minutes, five days, five months or five years from now, you'll be exactly where you are now . . . or worse.

Now go help yourself.

[TryingSoHard]

Hi there.

I can't say it better than it's already been said... I agree 100% with suz and Harley. I'm not a drug user (alcohol is my drug) so I can't totally relate to that aspect, but I CAN relate to the feeling of knowing that other people rely on you, need you, and might think poorly of you if they only knew the truth.

Please... for YOURSELF... at least go to an NA meeting. Talk to SOMEONE, anyone. You did the right thing by coming here and posting. That's a great first step. It shows that you care, you're worried, and you WANT better for yourself and your family.

Now let's make that happen. We'll help you however we can.

[TryingSoHard]

p.s. Harley, I just noticed your signature line. That's a great quote.

[Toomutch]

You have a lot going on wearysoul. Please listen to the others and find someone to talk to.
Keep posting as well - we care!

[vegibean]

Yes, I relate to a lot of what you said just months before I checked my butt into a treatment center. I was so gone that I needed help. For some doing 90 meetings in 90 days if they can really commit to it works.

It seems like the worse thing to admit that you have a problem. I look back and I was a very sick girl, very sick. I didn't want to drink but if I didn't I felt horrible, felt bad from drinking and sick from not. My head was all screwed up, I was an emotional mental mess. I feel so much better today!!

I hope that you will seek find some help in what ever form you seek. I grabbed the phone book and started dialing one afternoon and called many different places and ended up checking myself into a detox unit and then on to my TC. Best thing I ever did for myself. Good luck!! :ghug

[Harley3801]

Originally Posted by TryingSoHard

p.s. Harley, I just noticed your signature line. That's a great quote.

Aw, thanks! I "borrowed" it from someone years ago (she said she didn't mind).

[Sugah]

Originally Posted by wearysoul

I'm too old for this.

Addiction is very democratic. No one who suffers from it is "too old for it."

I have alienated my sober friends....My entire social network currently seems to use cocaine, and I worry about losing friends, or being too weak to say no if they have it.

Although I don't like to make distinctions between drugs (a drug is a drug is a drug), I could not have stayed clean had I kept my coke-using "friends" around.

It sounds ridiculous at my age to be worrying about such things so then I think it must just be an excuse to keep using.

Again - to use the justification that "at your age" you should be over this tells me that either a) you're in denial that you have an addiction or b) you don't understand that addiction isn't something that one outgrows.

Using something I hate.. and love... and that is going to kill me.

Oh, how I relate to the first part - and wholeheartedly agree with the second part.

I can't go into a drug rehab, people need me. My mother is elderly, I have to take care of her, my kids need me, but at the same time, they are losing me.

I had the same justifications, but as you describe your actions, perhaps you can ask yourself: are you really there for them? When I came to the place in my addiction where I asked that question, I had to say, no, I wasn't really there. I was mistaking quantity for quality.

Last night I thought I might die from a heart attack.

You didn't last night. Will you tonight? I lost a dear friend a month ago to a heroin overdose. It was only the second time she'd used. Second time. The gun always has at least one bullet in it. You just never know, when you spin the chamber, if you've stopped on the live round or not.

Everyone knows, and no one knows for sure, and I don't want anyone in my family to know, or my life long friends that have never even considered using. I think it would kill them.

No, it wouldn't. There are worse things than seeking help for drug addiction.

I don't want to lose another year of my life, or my kids lives.

Good news! You don't have to!

It's liked I've reversed twenty years and lost everything I worked to become.

It's a brand new day. You can start moving forward again - if you want to.

I don't even know if I can ever be whole again.

You can.

If I can survive this.

You can.

Sometimes it all seems useless and hopeless and like I should just give up completely. But too many people need me, rely on me. Unfortunately for them I know...

No, I don't think you do know.

If anyone could help.. I don't know... has anyone else felt this way?

Yes! I have felt that way! I made a decision: Get clean or die trying. I didn't really care which - but I felt that I owed it to my children to try. That was almost six years ago. Things have completely changed, beyond my wildest dreams. Things I used to talk about doing, I'm now doing. Things I thought were beyond me (because I was too old, because I waited too long, because I killed too many brain cells, etc.) are now not only possibilities - they have become milestones that I passed on my way to where I am now.

If you want to know how I did it, find yourself a) a rehab, b) a meeting list for NA or, in my case, AA, and c) get on with it. The question to ask yourself is a simple one: Are you willing to go to any length to get and stay clean?

For the record, I was a "garbage head" addict, aspiring writer, "gifted" student many, many moons ago. I got clean in a wheelchair, in a tired old house, without friends and without money. I left my partner of seven years because I knew I couldn't stay clean with him still using coke. I did a hard detox - ten days - as my final "drug of choice" was oxycontin. I spent 28 days in rehab, and I came home with all the necessary pieces of me ready to put back together. I'm still working on it, but in May, I graduated with my B.A., valedictorian of my class. I won a couple of fellowships and got a full ride over and above that to a large university. I'm now working on my MFA, writing & teaching others to write. I've also got some publishing credits under my belt. And, I'm fully upright, relying only on a cane to get around now.

Please don't give up. It's not easy, and it definitely doesn't happen overnight, but it's worth the effort.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[DSodaNow]

Please know that you need help and you need to reach out for it. We can not get thru this on our own. Start off by going to an NA meeting. There are people there that can give you direction and help.

It sounds like you have sober friends in your life, keep them! GET RID of the people around you who use.

You need to put yourself first on this. Good luck.

[pattyspaw]

I too have a lot of people relying on me, but I have to be able to rely on me first before they truely can; I'm new to recovery and having problems with reaching out and/or accepting the help that's offered, but I'm trying and I'm not going to give up, don't you either; get to a meeting and you will find others who understand like no one else can

[Fluttering]

You are not alone..Many of us have been where you are..There is a solution

i applaud you reaching out to us..No wit is up to you.Ask yourself the questions posed in above responses..Go to your heart to answer them honestly for yourself

none of us could do this alone..Togther we help each otehr to live in the solution

Join us on this tremendous journey of self discovery and walking in the light

We are here for you and with you
Hugs

[ColdSweat]

"...and I returned from the Land of the Dead, and came to the world of living Poesy,
and wrote..."
- Allen Ginsberg

A fellow writer gives you support and love <3. We can get through this, one day at a time. I identify with you completely. And if you ever wanna talk one on one, PM me. I'm always here, for anyone in need <3

[suzyccrn]

I think I'm too old for this crap too, but reality is, you need to take care of yourself, go to NA, find support groups, use your phone to call anonymously.

[Betty2534]

Originally Posted by ColdSweat

"...and I returned from the Land of the Dead, and came to the world of living Poesy,
and wrote..."
- Allen Ginsberg

A fellow writer gives you support and love <3. We can get through this, one day at a time. I identify with you completely. And if you ever wanna talk one on one, PM me. I'm always here, for anyone in need <3

Hi: I would like to be a friend and help with some support that sounds like you might need.. I have servial profiles on different sites if you are intrested in lookin I can e-mail them to you sometimes.. I will pray for you and hope you can look deep inside and remember the man above that created us is watching and is there for you ...It might not feel like there is no help noone out there but he is there where ever your at...:praying