need some suggestions - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

pattyspaw · 09-07-2008, 12:21 PM

I have 2 days sober and a major trigger working at me; I have no interest in sex and avoidance only works so long, saying no causing big fights and being honest about how I feel goes on deaf ears; it doesn't seem to matter what else I do as long as he gets what he wants; I don't want to drink, not sure I can give in without it

Toomutch · 09-07-2008, 12:31 PM

patty, you might want to see a doctor about this. I dont know anything about your relationship, but I do know I am having some trouble in that area right now as well.
A medication I started recently keeps me from climaxing. It is so darn frustrating. This side effect should go away, very soon I hope.

If it has something to do with trouble in you marriage, could you suggest marriage counseling?

Drinking will not solve anything, but only make matters worse.

pattyspaw · 09-07-2008, 12:47 PM

part of the problem is from the past and another part is from this relationship, it is psychologic in some respects and just totally feed up with some of his behaviors and messes; I have voiced some of this and it doesn't seem to help; I have taken some classes and done some counseling, he seems to think that these should take it all away; I take herbal hormone suppliments; I just have not desire what so ever

Toomutch · 09-07-2008, 12:49 PM

I'm sorry Patty,

Relationships are hard work, PM me if you want to.

Sugah · 09-07-2008, 12:50 PM

Sex should never be coerced. Never. My two cents.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

reginaterrae · 09-07-2008, 01:06 PM

Yeah, what Sugah says. Your own disinterest in sex doesn't worry me, you've got enough going on in your emotional AND physical life to explain that quite well, just with getting sober.

What really bothers me is this:

Quote:

Originally Posted by pattyspaw

avoidance only works so long, saying no causing big fights and being honest about how I feel goes on deaf ears; it doesn't seem to matter what else I do as long as he gets what he wants; I don't want to drink, not sure I can give in without it

NO means NO! Marital rape is still rape, and it is legally recognized as such in America. I'm not saying press charges, I'm saying get yourself safe. You are being abused, my friend. "Being honest about how I feel goes on deaf ears"?? That is not OK, that is not a healthy relationship. If you need a drink to give in to him sexually, you don't need to be giving in, you need to be getting out.

pattyspaw · 09-07-2008, 01:15 PM

I feel as though I am parially to blame, in the beginning it was okay and I enjoyed it, and even encouraged a lot; just so much more has changed especially since buying a house a year ago; and now with the housing maket dropping I feel trapped; I have explained that I need to feel it okay to say no and that goes on deaf ears also; he has been in total denial that I am an alcohlic, for the last 2 years when I have drank it has been in secret as has my trying to get sober;

**51anna** · 09-07-2008, 02:04 PM

Patty, I hid my drinking from my husband too, as much as I could, anyways. And, I found that it definitely caused distancing in our relationship. How could it not? The thing is that sex, for women, is much more mental than physical, I think. I mean, you need to be in the right place in your mind, in order for the intimacy to work.

lizw · 09-07-2008, 02:17 PM

It has been my expereince that when I stopped drinking I had to deal with life stuff and I didn't want to and/or didn't know how. Most of my partners sober and in recovery have behaved like you described your H does and I don't think it is right.

Do you have other support for yourself outside of here?
Attended AA etc...?

It sounds like you need a bit of support.
Take it easy

scorpiogirl · 09-07-2008, 02:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pattyspaw

I feel as though I am parially to blame, in the beginning it was okay and I enjoyed it, and even encouraged a lot; just so much more has changed especially since buying a house a year ago; and now with the housing maket dropping I feel trapped; I have explained that I need to feel it okay to say no and that goes on deaf ears also; he has been in total denial that I am an alcohlic, for the last 2 years when I have drank it has been in secret as has my trying to get sober;

I'm copying your last post yet, i want to respond to the 1st one as well about the sex thing.

I don't agree with one of the posters that said "to see a doctor". Not wanting sex in the beginning of recovery is very, very normal. VERY. Everything doesn't have to be 'fixed'; (hence "see a doctor"). Your body, your mind, your emotions are all experiencing things and life differently. Give yourself time to heal. It's only been 2 days. If you just broke your leg, would you be out there running a 5K marathon? Besides, what would you be seeing a doctor for anyway? I think (being factious here), if you went to a doctor's office and said you didn't want sex for the last 2 days, you're sure to give the office something to talk about!

I see that you hid your drinking as well as kept a secret as to trying to get sober. Why, may I ask are you living a lie and being a secret? Have you heard the term, "we're only as sick as our secrets"? I really don't like quoting things from the book or literature or such yet, this was so approproe'. You're in a marriage and in order for things to work, honesty must be had. If he has a problem with any of it, that's his problem and then, yours in how you are to deal/handle it.

You're only 2 days into recovery and 2 days without sex. Gosh, girl, give yourself a break! It's only 2 days....for either of these things. A person can go without sex. Really. Maybe not your husband but, you have to come first if you are to get well and heal.

Wishing for you strength and courage to go forward.

pattyspaw · 09-07-2008, 02:38 PM

the not wanting sex has been going on for at least 6 months or more, after we bought the house we both changed a lot, and I realize he isn't getting the attention he use to or wants; as far as the honesty goes, I have tried that and denial is all I've gotten back, I do have a few close people I talk to and I do go to meetings, that's how I've gotten as far as I have, and I'm not giving up on me;

scorpiogirl · 09-07-2008, 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pattyspaw

the not wanting sex has been going on for at least 6 months or more..... and I'm not giving up on me;

I see. Well, I was the same way in the beginning of recovery. Yet, sounds like there are other contributing factors (which it seems you know). I know if I was met with denial on a regular basis, I wouldn't be drawn to the person; let alone want to have sex with them.

GLAD you're not giving up on YOU! You're the only you you've got!

chiynita · 09-07-2008, 02:58 PM

My last relationship ended with my drunk BF getting mad because I wouldnt have sex with him. Well he didnt like it and punched me in the mouth and knocked my front tooth loose.
He got a stick to the face and arrested.
Havent seen him since. We were together 4 yrs.
I myself can not and will not tolerate that crap.
But thats just me.
And what Sug said.
I a not saying be violent. I am just saying.

Toomutch · 09-07-2008, 04:23 PM

I guess i missunderstood your post Patty. I did not realize he was forcing you to have sex. I guess I interpreted your post differently than I should have. No oneshould ever be forced.

bostonluv · 09-07-2008, 05:21 PM

I don't mean to play Devil's Advocate but 6 months of not wanting sex seems like a very long time. Of course, no should ever be forced but if my partner withdrew from me like that I would be very hurt and seriously consider leaving the relationship. If I didn't want to have sex with my partner I would wonder if it was 1) something physical. I've had problems with medications affecting that in the past i.e. birth control pills or 2) my relationship. That's just me though.

lostgirl89 · 09-07-2008, 05:39 PM

I feel for yah, girlie...going thru the same stuff right now....dont want it, dont want to give it out just because you want it...tired of fakin it....tired of the threats.....You are a grown woman, and you dont have to do anything you dont want to do....I have no good advice, as I am looking for some myself....All I can offer is support and Love....Be true to yourself...that's what Im trying to do...and dont drink...no matter what...because if you do....HE WINS.... and that sucks.....
Love yah...Rach

lizw · 09-07-2008, 05:49 PM

I've been sober a little while now and still have this same problem and for this reason I have sought help outside of AA. I'm not saying you should do this but rather what someone else said, it actually is quite 'normal' as part of getting sober. I'm only seeking help because it has been an ongoing problem for me and I was 10 years this year.

But I know it is 'normal' because I started talking to other woman, in recovery, about it. It can also be a bit of a cycle with the partner trying to haggle about it, as then it becomes impossible to be able to tell what came first - the low sex drive or the partner making a big deal about it which is a turn off in itself.

Dunno if you have a spare room you can sleep in for awhile??? If you can, it would be best to get you out of the situation for awhile.

Getting a sponsor and talking to her about it, may help too.
Take it easy

kj3880 · 09-07-2008, 06:36 PM

My ex and I had to split and part of the reason was that he was still drinkin' and wanted sex all the time while stinking of alcohol. It was sickening to me, being newly clean. Every time I played along I felt cheap and used. I had to get him out of my life or I would have surely relapsed, because even though he said he was happy for me, when I'd have a bad day he'd offer me intoxicants. Not what I need. I'm not telling you what to do, but just what worked for me. I'm a lot happier without him, for sure. And now I have five months clean. On only 2 days sober, you have to be "selfish" for a while. You have to put your sobriety first, and if that means some people have to get away from you for a while, then IMO, so be it. And if he's forcing you, that's rape. If you want, you could even press charges and get him forceably emergency evicted and arrested. Again, not telling you what to do, just what I had to do....good luck with all this. We'll be here to talk with you no matter what you decide! Love from:
KJ

pattyspaw · 09-08-2008, 06:16 AM

part of the not wanting sex has a lot to do with child hood issues and a lot have to do with unattractive behaviors from him that have mushroomed since moving into the house; I blew it last night and drank, and I feel like I wasted time, money and energy just so I could get through; I have learned from it though, and actions do speak louder than words in some respects; I am going to put my soberity first and if that ends this relationship so be it; there is a spare room I can sleep in and I have slept in there some; I stay up late at night a lot until I know he is asleep before I go to bed; thanks everyone for being there, I should have got to a meeting or got on line before I drank last night, I'm going to try harder, I don't like feeling the way I do right now; I have a friend in washington state that I email every morning, I got honest with her about my drinking this morning, I know she will be supportive;

pattyspaw · 09-08-2008, 06:30 AM

he isn't physically forcing me, just mentally and emotionally manipulating

Toomutch · 09-08-2008, 09:32 AM

Patty - I am having some boundary issues with my husband too.
I started reading a book called "Where You End And I Began" Anne Katherine, MA.
I havn't gotten too far into it yet, but what I have read it seems as if it will be very helpful.

bostonluv · 09-08-2008, 10:06 AM

I need to order that book today and get back with the club. Patty: sorry you drank. Can you pick yourself up and march onward?

pattyspaw · 09-08-2008, 10:22 AM

I made it to a meeting today, and a nice woman made a point of asking my name and introducing herself, yeap picking myself up

09-07-2008, 12:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
pattyspaw Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: sacramento california Posts: 87	need some suggestions I have 2 days sober and a major trigger working at me; I have no interest in sex and avoidance only works so long, saying no causing big fights and being honest about how I feel goes on deaf ears; it doesn't seem to matter what else I do as long as he gets what he wants; I don't want to drink, not sure I can give in without it __________________ O Great Spirit whose voice I hear in the winds. I seek strength not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me always ready to come to You with clean hands and straight eyes, So when life fades, my spirit may come to you without shame.

09-07-2008, 12:31 PM	#2 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 2,236	patty, you might want to see a doctor about this. I dont know anything about your relationship, but I do know I am having some trouble in that area right now as well. A medication I started recently keeps me from climaxing. It is so darn frustrating. This side effect should go away, very soon I hope. If it has something to do with trouble in you marriage, could you suggest marriage counseling? Drinking will not solve anything, but only make matters worse. __________________ Good friends are like stars..... You don't always see them, But you know they are always there

09-07-2008, 12:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
pattyspaw Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: sacramento california Posts: 87	thanks part of the problem is from the past and another part is from this relationship, it is psychologic in some respects and just totally feed up with some of his behaviors and messes; I have voiced some of this and it doesn't seem to help; I have taken some classes and done some counseling, he seems to think that these should take it all away; I take herbal hormone suppliments; I just have not desire what so ever __________________ O Great Spirit whose voice I hear in the winds. I seek strength not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me always ready to come to You with clean hands and straight eyes, So when life fades, my spirit may come to you without shame.

09-07-2008, 12:49 PM	#4 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 2,236	I'm sorry Patty, Relationships are hard work, PM me if you want to. __________________ Good friends are like stars..... You don't always see them, But you know they are always there

09-07-2008, 12:50 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 2,346	Sex should never be coerced. Never. My two cents. Peace & Love, Sugah __________________ I don't know what happens when people die Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear That I can't sing I can't help listening ~JB

09-07-2008, 01:15 PM	#7 (permalink)
pattyspaw Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: sacramento california Posts: 87	lots of good feedback I feel as though I am parially to blame, in the beginning it was okay and I enjoyed it, and even encouraged a lot; just so much more has changed especially since buying a house a year ago; and now with the housing maket dropping I feel trapped; I have explained that I need to feel it okay to say no and that goes on deaf ears also; he has been in total denial that I am an alcohlic, for the last 2 years when I have drank it has been in secret as has my trying to get sober; __________________ O Great Spirit whose voice I hear in the winds. I seek strength not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me always ready to come to You with clean hands and straight eyes, So when life fades, my spirit may come to you without shame.

09-07-2008, 02:04 PM	#8 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 11,160	Patty, I hid my drinking from my husband too, as much as I could, anyways. And, I found that it definitely caused distancing in our relationship. How could it not? The thing is that sex, for women, is much more mental than physical, I think. I mean, you need to be in the right place in your mind, in order for the intimacy to work. __________________ Anna "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

09-07-2008, 02:17 PM	#9 (permalink)
lizw God's Kid Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: New Zealand Posts: 1,240	It has been my expereince that when I stopped drinking I had to deal with life stuff and I didn't want to and/or didn't know how. Most of my partners sober and in recovery have behaved like you described your H does and I don't think it is right. Do you have other support for yourself outside of here? Attended AA etc...? It sounds like you need a bit of support. Take it easy __________________ ....blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.

09-07-2008, 02:38 PM	#11 (permalink)
pattyspaw Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: sacramento california Posts: 87	the not wanting sex has been going on for at least 6 months or more, after we bought the house we both changed a lot, and I realize he isn't getting the attention he use to or wants; as far as the honesty goes, I have tried that and denial is all I've gotten back, I do have a few close people I talk to and I do go to meetings, that's how I've gotten as far as I have, and I'm not giving up on me; __________________ O Great Spirit whose voice I hear in the winds. I seek strength not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me always ready to come to You with clean hands and straight eyes, So when life fades, my spirit may come to you without shame.

09-07-2008, 02:58 PM	#13 (permalink)
chiynita My Heart Is With The Ocean Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Clifton Park, NY Posts: 5,698 Blog Entries: 21	My last relationship ended with my drunk BF getting mad because I wouldnt have sex with him. Well he didnt like it and punched me in the mouth and knocked my front tooth loose. He got a stick to the face and arrested. Havent seen him since. We were together 4 yrs. I myself can not and will not tolerate that crap. But thats just me. And what Sug said. I a not saying be violent. I am just saying. __________________

09-07-2008, 04:23 PM	#14 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 2,236	I guess i missunderstood your post Patty. I did not realize he was forcing you to have sex. I guess I interpreted your post differently than I should have. No oneshould ever be forced. __________________ Good friends are like stars..... You don't always see them, But you know they are always there

09-07-2008, 05:21 PM	#15 (permalink)
bostonluv Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Northern CA Posts: 1,497	I don't mean to play Devil's Advocate but 6 months of not wanting sex seems like a very long time. Of course, no should ever be forced but if my partner withdrew from me like that I would be very hurt and seriously consider leaving the relationship. If I didn't want to have sex with my partner I would wonder if it was 1) something physical. I've had problems with medications affecting that in the past i.e. birth control pills or 2) my relationship. That's just me though. __________________ "When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long."

09-07-2008, 05:39 PM	#16 (permalink)
lostgirl89 Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Rogue Valley Posts: 59 Blog Entries: 27	I feel for yah, girlie...going thru the same stuff right now....dont want it, dont want to give it out just because you want it...tired of fakin it....tired of the threats.....You are a grown woman, and you dont have to do anything you dont want to do....I have no good advice, as I am looking for some myself....All I can offer is support and Love....Be true to yourself...that's what Im trying to do...and dont drink...no matter what...because if you do....HE WINS.... and that sucks..... Love yah...Rach

09-07-2008, 05:49 PM	#17 (permalink)
lizw God's Kid Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: New Zealand Posts: 1,240	I've been sober a little while now and still have this same problem and for this reason I have sought help outside of AA. I'm not saying you should do this but rather what someone else said, it actually is quite 'normal' as part of getting sober. I'm only seeking help because it has been an ongoing problem for me and I was 10 years this year. But I know it is 'normal' because I started talking to other woman, in recovery, about it. It can also be a bit of a cycle with the partner trying to haggle about it, as then it becomes impossible to be able to tell what came first - the low sex drive or the partner making a big deal about it which is a turn off in itself. Dunno if you have a spare room you can sleep in for awhile??? If you can, it would be best to get you out of the situation for awhile. Getting a sponsor and talking to her about it, may help too. Take it easy __________________ ....blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.

09-07-2008, 06:36 PM	#18 (permalink)
kj3880 Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: md Posts: 1,398	My ex and I had to split and part of the reason was that he was still drinkin' and wanted sex all the time while stinking of alcohol. It was sickening to me, being newly clean. Every time I played along I felt cheap and used. I had to get him out of my life or I would have surely relapsed, because even though he said he was happy for me, when I'd have a bad day he'd offer me intoxicants. Not what I need. I'm not telling you what to do, but just what worked for me. I'm a lot happier without him, for sure. And now I have five months clean. On only 2 days sober, you have to be "selfish" for a while. You have to put your sobriety first, and if that means some people have to get away from you for a while, then IMO, so be it. And if he's forcing you, that's rape. If you want, you could even press charges and get him forceably emergency evicted and arrested. Again, not telling you what to do, just what I had to do....good luck with all this. We'll be here to talk with you no matter what you decide! Love from: KJ

09-08-2008, 06:16 AM	#19 (permalink)
pattyspaw Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: sacramento california Posts: 87	new day one part of the not wanting sex has a lot to do with child hood issues and a lot have to do with unattractive behaviors from him that have mushroomed since moving into the house; I blew it last night and drank, and I feel like I wasted time, money and energy just so I could get through; I have learned from it though, and actions do speak louder than words in some respects; I am going to put my soberity first and if that ends this relationship so be it; there is a spare room I can sleep in and I have slept in there some; I stay up late at night a lot until I know he is asleep before I go to bed; thanks everyone for being there, I should have got to a meeting or got on line before I drank last night, I'm going to try harder, I don't like feeling the way I do right now; I have a friend in washington state that I email every morning, I got honest with her about my drinking this morning, I know she will be supportive; __________________ O Great Spirit whose voice I hear in the winds. I seek strength not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me always ready to come to You with clean hands and straight eyes, So when life fades, my spirit may come to you without shame.

09-08-2008, 06:30 AM	#20 (permalink)
pattyspaw Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: sacramento california Posts: 87	just to clarify he isn't physically forcing me, just mentally and emotionally manipulating __________________ O Great Spirit whose voice I hear in the winds. I seek strength not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me always ready to come to You with clean hands and straight eyes, So when life fades, my spirit may come to you without shame.

09-08-2008, 09:32 AM	#21 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 2,236	Patty - I am having some boundary issues with my husband too. I started reading a book called "Where You End And I Began" Anne Katherine, MA. I havn't gotten too far into it yet, but what I have read it seems as if it will be very helpful. __________________ Good friends are like stars..... You don't always see them, But you know they are always there

09-08-2008, 10:06 AM	#22 (permalink)
bostonluv Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Northern CA Posts: 1,497	I need to order that book today and get back with the club. Patty: sorry you drank. Can you pick yourself up and march onward? __________________ "When you feel dog tired at night, it may be because you've growled all day long."

09-08-2008, 10:22 AM	#23 (permalink)
pattyspaw Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: sacramento california Posts: 87	good morning I made it to a meeting today, and a nice woman made a point of asking my name and introducing herself, yeap picking myself up __________________ O Great Spirit whose voice I hear in the winds. I seek strength not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy, myself. Make me always ready to come to You with clean hands and straight eyes, So when life fades, my spirit may come to you without shame.