Confused and Scared

[FyreDragon]

Hi, My name is Mary and it has been about 2 years since I posted on these boards. Needing support and a place to vent. Sorry but this first post will probably end up being a long one.

To begin, I am 51 and a recovering alcoholic and will have 3 years clean and sober on April 18th. When I first got sober, I did not have family or friends in the area and went to a live in recovery house. It was not a pleasant experience and in and of itself would probably qualify as abusive. A couple of houses up the street was an ice cream parlor owned by a man in AA. Often I would go there to escape the recovery house and the owner, Danny, would come out and sit with me at a picnic table and talk.

He is a VERY charismatic person. He has lived and been a well known person in this town his entire life. Everybody knows Danny, or should I say the face he puts forward in public. He is always outspoken at meetings but people seem to like his bluntness about addiction. After a while he would give me rides to AA meetings. The AA groups in this town are very "inbred". Everyone knows everyone else and no matter where we go, everyone knows him. And it doesn't hurt that he is very well off and throws his money around. So everyone sucks up to him for what they can get from him. He would often say he has an antisocial personality disorder but always in such a way that you just think he is being modest or something like that.

About 6 months into my sobriety Danny started talking about buying houses and setting them up as "recovery" houses....actually he was looking for a way to make more money. He asked me to manage them and I saw an opportunity to do good despite his intentions....I figured people would still benefit. So I agreed and moved into the house (he does not live here).

He was always selfish, everything had to be for or about him or at his convenience. But after a while things started to get worse, the constant nasty remarks about my weight or how I did something....if I did not understand something he was saying, it was always that I was stupid. Sometimes he will just get in my face and yell making fists while yelling, threatening to just throw me out on the street. Or worse would be the days on end when he would not speak to me at all or would be extremely distant and cold. And all the while I was totally isolated even while attending meetings as he is also in the Program and as I have said, everyone knows him.

And always I would just take it thinking that maybe he was right. Whenever I try to stand up for myself, he manages to turn it around to where it is all my fault.

He is also a very manipulative person....when someone gets on his ++++ list, he will work behind the scene to destroy them....and he does have the pull and is quite talented at turning any situation to his advantage.

We are now at the cold stage and I have noticed that for the last couple weeks he has once again kept me isolated from the AA groups under one pretext or another. Today I finally got to a meeting at my regular group, where I am the group treasurer and that he regularly attends also. Everyone there was extremely cold and distant so I know I am now on that ++++ list and he has spent the last couple weeks manipulating behind the scenes.

I am scared and feel boxed into a corner. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have no one to turn to as he has kept me isolated for the last 2 and a half years. I cannot talk to anyone in AA....I have tried in the past and everyone just turns around and tells Danny, Mary said this or that or whatever.

Even when he is not around, like now, I sit with my head pounding and my heart racing, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I don't know what to do or where to turn.

Thanks for listening
Mary

[51anna]

Hi Mary,

Welcome!

That sounds like a really difficult situation that you are in. There is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship. If you have no one to turn to, you could try a women's shelter in your area. It sounds like you need to get away from this guy and get a fresh start. You deserve better than to be in a manipulative and abusive situation. Please take care of yourself.

Here is a link that might help you:

Michigan Shelters - Michigan Homeless and Emergency Shelters

[CarolD]

A lot of women have made a new start ....
So can you.

Is there any reason you can't leve?
Yes..I know it's scary but your life is not your own.

Congratulations on your sober time....
now let's think of a better future.

[lizw]

RUN. Run away as soon as you can and find yourself somewhere safe to live.
And while it may appear everyone believes him, there will be other people who know or have seen otherwise and once you start speaking about it, they will come forward. Us alkies, know other alkies eh?

And it sounds like you've a lot of work ahead of you. Becoming so dependent on another person, that they can treat you however they like and you won't leave, is not recovery but it is something you can begin to achive recovery in, after you first make yourself safe.

[indigo]

Please get the he!! out of it, he sounds incredibly like someone (my ex) and I don't think he's going to change......you can.

[lisa1235]

whether you know it or not youre being abused.its not going to get better it will only get worse.you have come too far to let anyone belittle you or treat you as you are for their dispose.you need 2 call the ywca or a safe harbour shelter to get evaluated and hoefully relocated.you need to seek new meetings where hes not associated.hes just a jerk sober or not.take action dont accept this im praying 4 you.Hugs.this 2 shall pass.

[Ostara]

That sounds like a pretty accurate desciption of true antisocial personality disorder- a sociopath. Somehow, it gets turned around so that their mistakes are your fault, and they put things in front of your recovery, almost subconsciously, as a way to destroy. And emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse in the blink of an eye.
Yes, run. Run far and fast-save your own self-esteem and life. It is abuse, even if it seems like it's not, don't sit back and take it. You're worth more than that, and you deserve a better life. There are so many resources available to you.
-Tzaddi

[daydream]

Mary, what does your sponsor have to say about this?

[Fluttering]

To thine own self be true
God wants you to be hapy

JUst becaseu a person has time doesn't mean they are all well and wonderful
Look for woman in your area ..We are told to stay in safe places..An abusive manipulative person is not a safe place..Thank him for what he has done for you and move on