Hurting and so confused.....

[lightseeker]

Well...... a long 2 1/2 years came to a close tonight. I have been heading in this direction for quite a while (at least 6 weeks or more). I've detached from meetings, not called my sponsor, and have now picked up a drink. And it feels like sweet blessed relief. I have a high bottom and I was a binge drinker. Sometimes I could drink successfully and then other times I know that I drank "at" things. I think that the fact that I didn't get knee walking drunk each time that I drank really has messed with me. I've worked a diligent program and the promises just have never come true for me. I've always heard that if I'm miserable in sobriety then why not go drink - so I did. I am stuck in a horrible relationship that has caused me incredible pain. No excuses - I should have left it long ago but I feel completely trapped. I have lived with a dry drunk for the last two years and I should have just walked away from him. And I haven't - so now I have poured a drink. I don't know how to get away from him. I have children to support and he has tied all of my money up and there is no way to get it back. I hate him and I hate living with him. I just couldn't stand it anymore. I've really worked at AA and I just never felt a "part of". It was almost like because I haven't been arrested 10 times, wrecked my car, been in treatment, or whatever that my drinking didn't really count. Maybe I just need to do some more research. I just don't know.

[chiynita]

(((hugs)))

[Celebration1994]

Nothing changes, if nothing changes.....Blessings and prayers to you

[indigo]

I'm sorry, I hope you can pick yourself back up.

[Digginit]

Ooooooooh....I hate to hear this. You are, what, 10 weeks post-op now? You've been heading this way for 6 weeks of more. You were definitely taking them then, but are you still taking pain meds? Do you think there's a connection there? I'm very well aware of how they crept in on me just when I thought I was handling them fine.

I do hope you'll get through this just fine. And I hope you're healing well otherwise too.


~dig

[lightseeker]

thanks Dig. Yes - got off them and then had to return to work. I've taken one at night to deal with the pain (which is still intense). I'm sure that the pain meds set me up for this. It definitely is a slippery slope. I did ok with them but I can see where they did wake up the alcohol craving part. Do you go to meetings? I've tried all of that and just never did feel a part of it.

[CarolD]

My best friend could never connect to AA either.
She said she did not fit in.
Hmmm.
I agreed. She was attending a meeting
mainly with homeless AIDS members.

When I convinced her to go to one with members
more suitable to her personal situation ..she was bored.

*sigh* She's mostly sober these days but has missed
all the fellowship and support of AA.

I consider AA is vital for me...

High or low bottom? Thats external
I looked sucessful ...inside I was cold and dead.

I do so hope you will find your path to peace.

[vegibean]

Well light I know you know that you're not the first one to pick up and you won't be the last. It seems to me that you still have your thoughts together and you sound certainly bright enough to me. I hope that you can get this out of your system and get back on track.

When I started my "program" I was a miserable, angry, resentful, hurt human being and I didn't know how the hell I was going to stay sober. Nothing in my life was good, my dad just died, my husband divorced me, I had no place to live, no family (my family is not much of a support system, never has been) and from as long as I can remember way back to being a little girl I've had a lot of hurt in my life a lot of bad things happen to me. What's the point in stopping drinking? My life sucked!!!!! I really empathize with how you're feeling right now. Sometimes I believe we've just had enough and I also believe that sometimes a break down might be helpful.

I hope you still come around and be good to yourself. I'm willing to bet that you know that if you start on a loop again it's not going to get any better, it's just going to get worse. Good luck and my thoughts will be with you.

[catlovermi]

Sorry you're hurting from every which direction, LS. You won't be in that spot forever.

Great job for sharing your pain, and getting it out there, especially right away.

Sending encouragement your way...

[AWdesign]

I like that one Celebrate1994, I always forget about that one...nothing changes if nothing changes...one of those great quotes! I think that is an appropriate reply to this situation! Hugs to you lightseeker, hang in there...try it again and don't quit until the miracles happens!

[1963comet]

Sorry about what has happened. You could try Smart recovery. You said you knew this was coming way before you did it. And I what they teach.

[lizw]

Originally Posted by CarolD

My best friend could never connect to AA either.
She said she did not fit in.
Hmmm.
I agreed. She was attending a meeting
mainly with homeless AIDS members.

I hope no one finds this in bad taste but this made me laugh my a** off!!

It is my inclination to find reasons as to why I can't do things too. And I am actually rather gifted at doing so, I can always find fault with things and I can always find reasons as to why I am different.

Weird thing about that is when I'm practising my program, I do positve things and find solutions regardless because I want to recover.

Lightseeker, I don't how or why you've lapsed but what I do know is that the most important thing is you get back in touch with your sponsor and get back to meetings.

Take it easy

[Paulie]

I've worked a diligent program and the promises just have never come true for me.

I've always heard that if I'm miserable in sobriety then why not go drink - so I did.

Just those 2 sentences right there were a set up to relapse.

I agree with Lily, I can always find an reason/excuse not to fit in. That is my disease, that is what it does.

Reservations and expectations will take me out for sure.

So now, today, you make a choice. You choose to put the drink down and start over.

As long as we are alive and breathing there is hope.

[bostonluv]

That is another reason I don't attend AA - not bashing. a...I always feel the need to say that. But I know myself and I will always get really high expectations where God is concerned. I remember trying to find a meeting one night and it turned into a fiasco and I thought, well, God doesn't want me to go. Crap like that. It's so easy to fall into "where's mine" mentality.Where's my peace of mind? When's my promise coming? I don't have any answers. The only thing I know for certain: picking up a drink solves absolutely NOTHING. I never wrecked my car, lost a job or went to jail either yet. I'm also a binge drinker. I have lovely memories of drinking. Fun, good times and I have my bad ones. I know for me it became too much of a risk and I agree with Carol. It's inside how you feel. If you feel crappy about it/obsess over it, feel shame over it. Your drinking days whould be over with. I hope you will find your way back to sober living whether through AA or through another program.

Love,
Kathleen

[scorpiogirl]

Originally Posted by lightseeker

Maybe I just need to do some more research. I just don't know. I am stuck in a horrible relationship that has caused me incredible pain.

Well, you don't have to if you don't want to (do more research). The disease is playing with you and your mind and you're buying into it. "Regular" people don't go to AA meetings and we also don't go there cause we have nothing better to do.

Just cause you felt like you didn't fit in for the last 2 1/2 yrs, did it ever occur to you that maybe you never "fit" anywhere really in your life? If you think you did, it was probably an illusion. I mean, if things were so okay and normal, why would you be in the type of relationship that you are in? No meanness intended as I did that for many years myself until I "got" that it all starts with me. You are only stuck if you think you are stuck. There are solutions inside every problem (or perceived problem)

If you want different, you have to do different.

Originally Posted by lightseeker

I've always heard that if I'm miserable in sobriety then why not go drink - so I did.

Personally, I don't trust the kind of people that say that (drink if you're miserable). Geesh! Alcohol is only the symptom so why do people gets their p**ties in a bunch when other people say they're sad or miserable or depressed? My take is = it scares them and they don't know what to say. I mean, gee if it can happen to you, it can happen to them.

We ride out those uncomfortable feelings til it passes. I was a main speaker just last night at a meeting and focused on just this part of my story. I was miserable and depressed many, many, MANY years into sobriety - just don't know how or why I kept going back. Promises weren't coming true - nuttin. I kept hearing, "don't quit before the miracle" and I would think, "today? Is today the day"? I won't tell you how many years for me to break through all that yet I will say it was a very long time. I can now tell you that i am the happiest and at most peace in my life than I have ever been and VERY glad I hung on. A drink wouldn't have made anything any better or different. I would have still had the same problems. At least with AA (for me), there was a way out if I wanted it bad enough. I used to focus on Step 3:

"....I offer myself to thee, to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love and thy way of life. May I do thy will always".

Now, I must tell you, I struggle with the God concept to this day - many, many years after I got sober yet, I said that prayer anyway and focused on the part that I bolded. It doesn't say to remove my problems/difficulties. It says to "bear witness to others" with the victory over them. i.e. - my difficulties will hopefully someday help someone else. And it has! I can write you about my devastating experience with depression and misery and have come through the other side - kicking and screaming I might add - yet still showing up for myself anyway; no matter how I felt.

My prayer for you is sobriety, saneness of mind and the willingness to claim your life back.

[Grace2u]

Awesome post, ScorpioGirl!

Just want to add some thoughts here.

Originally Posted by lightseeker

I think that the fact that I didn't get knee walking drunk each time that I drank really has messed with me. I've worked a diligent program .

If you've worked really hard on the steps, and you've got a sponsor, and you go to meetings, how is it that you can still believe you're not an alkie? The reason this caught my eye, is because I'm guilty of the same "stinking thiinking". I compared myself to other people's experiences and allowed myself to think maybe I'm not so sick. So I started drinking again after 7 yrs sobriety. How'd that work out for me? You know the answer as well as I do. In 3 days, I'm admitting myself into a rehab - AGAIN.

Originally Posted by lightseeker

I've really worked at AA and I just never felt a "part of". It was almost like because I haven't been arrested 10 times, wrecked my car, been in treatment, or whatever that my drinking didn't really count. Maybe I just need to do some more research. I just don't know.

I was in a miserable, abusive marriage for 18 years. So I fixed it by drinking again. Does that make any sense to you? I know, but that's what I did. Skip the reseach. I just did it for you, and I can tell you the formula of
bad husband+good booze=happiness
doesn't work.

As for my experience in AA, I used to feel the same way for several years. I finally found a meeting that I really liked, and I called that my "home" group. It was small, and I got to know the folks and care about them. Brought me outta myself. See if you can find some new meetings and try them. You may just change your mind and stick around.

I'm pullin' for you.

[scorpiogirl]

Originally Posted by Grace2u

I'm guilty of the same "stinking thiinking". I compared myself to other people's experiences and allowed myself to think maybe I'm not so sick.

That was me too - sometimes to this day! My (then) sponsor told me to look at the similaries; not the differences. My brain could not wrap itself around that concept cause I didn't think I had anything in common with these people! These people ended up being my lifeline back to sanity as I didn't even know I was exhibiting insane behavior. This disease will try anything and everything to keep us apart. Don't listen to you head, Lightseeker. (Thank you Grace for bringing that up).

Like i said before, regular, "normal" people don't go into alcoholics anonymous meetings and I might add......(as my 1st sponsor told me cause I said this to her hundreds of time....).....I used to say, "am I really, really, really an alcoholic"? Regular people don't ask that.

Lightseeker - bring the body, the mind will follow