Jinxed

[Digginit]

Ugh. I covered the ER for the last 2 days and nights. Last night I was talkling to a friend about what an "annoying" ER weekend it was. It was a slow but steady stream of non-emergent, many laughable, complaints. A few actual emergencies were coming through, but mostly it was pediatric clinic. As we were talking, I said that I'd better shut up, or I'd jinx myself and the night would be bad.

Well, I jinxed myself. Got called in at 11pm for an MI. Was a friend of mine. 48 years old. And he died right there in front of me. We coded him for 40 minutes, but accomplished nothing. It's a tough loss. Just thought I'd share.

~dig

[ananda]

huggs!

[CarolD]

I'm so sorry your friend died.

[Rowan]

I'm so sorry.

[Digginit]

Was just making rounds in the hospital. The silence about this was very conspicuous....until I was leaving through the ER when another ER doc said, "Heard you had a rough night." So I told him to shut up...and he did.

As bad as it is to lose a friend, it's hard knowing that it was kinda my job to keep him alive, and I couldn't. I understand very well that it's just not always possible, but there's still that thing that gnaws at me whenever I lose somebody, that I should have been able to do better. Not beating myself up or anything. It's just the reality of me. I don't think I'd be a good doctor if I let myself off the hook so easily. There has to be room for improvement, and maybe if I'd been a little better, or quicker, or *something*, he'd have lived.

~dig

[Impurrfect]

I'm so sorry about your friend.

When I was still working as an RN, I worked in a neuro ICU. My 18-year-old stepsister was in a wreck, and had a severe head injury and fracture of C1. Within a few hours, she was brain dead. Her daughter (my niece Brit) was 2 weeks past her first birthday. My stepsister was the first organ donor at that hospital.

I know the feeling of helplessness, especially when it's your job to save people. My dad always felt that if he had gotten my mom to the ER earlier, she might have lived.

I told him, just like you already know...you can have the best doctors/nurses in the world, all the fancy equipment, every single drug on hand to help, and we still can't save them all.

I'm sorry, and I feel your pain. But I can assure you, you did everything possible, and you gave him at least 300% because that's what you do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[ColdSweat]

Jeez... how hard that must be to go through. People that I love have only died when I was younger, but I know about loss. It's a process. I wish I could help you, but you can only help yourself. All we can do is be there. Hugs. <3

[desertdonna]

I am so sorry for your loss, Digginit. You intellectually know that you and your team gave it your all to save the life of your friend. The doubt is human and bespeaks the capacity of your heart. I would be grateful to have you as a doctor.

My thoughts are with you, and the loved ones of your friend.



Donna

[Digginit]

Thicker skin. Besides tightening up my skills in the ER, that's what I need. In the meantime, I think sleep will do. Haven't slept since Thursday night. What's that? Nearly 60 hours...lol. Maybe I won't feel so weak after a good night's sleep. But I'm starting to crack a little. I know me, and I tend to do that when things go to the birds. So that's my goal this time....to deal with it and sail on through.

Was doing okay until I went to the grocery store. Ran into a friend who was at the hospital last night. I asked her how she was today, and she said, "okay." She asked me how I was, and I said, "it's a hard pill to swallow." Then I started crying...right there in the Mad Butcher. Kinda opened the flood gates, and they've stayed open. I think I need to try to sleep some. I'm tired.

[felly79]

Sorry to hear that. My Mom is a nurse and loses patients sometimes. Sometimes she can deal with it alright, other times it is visibily painful for her.

[Lily]

I am so sorry Digginit. That is awful that you had to see your friend die. I am sure you gave it your all, it was just his time to go. I pray you get some sweet sleep and wake up refreshed. blessings, Sheila

[51anna]

I think being tired probably has a lot to do with your crying jag, Dig. I'm not a dr, but not a day goes by when I don't pause for a second, and wonder if I could have done my job better. I try to focus on what I accomplished that day, but it's not always easy.

Get some rest.

[Digginit]

Sleep is good.

I've learned some things from this. It'd be better to have learned from an old guy whose time it was to go, but maybe the lessons stick to ya' better when they hurt. Anyway, sleep does help the perspective a bit. Thank y'all for listening to me vent and whine.

~dig

[vegibean]

WOW!!!!! That would have just blown me away. I can't even imagine at all.

I'm so sorry!!

[indigo]

I'm really sorry, I know you will have done all you could possibly do and that counts. Get some sleep and know you're a good doctor and sometimes it's simply time for people to make a final bow and exit this world no matter what we do to try and keep em here.

[Lenina]

So sorry to hear about this. I cannot begin to imagine the emotions you must be having.

My thoughts are with you and the patients family.

Lenina

[Digginit]

I've tried to write a little note several times today, but I just can't get my thoughts to come together right. BUT today is about growth. It's one of those times that I can see it in myself, and I'm proud of the change. There's so much going on right now. The funeral was today, under sheets of rain from Gustav. It's been hard facing people, but I'm getting better at it as a few days have gone by. Actually talked to a couple people about it today, which I don't do readily.

I also have a friend whom I've talked about on here before who is threatening suicide through text messages. She has these moments every few weeks. One day she'll probably follow through. She refuses to get any kind of help though....just trudges along looking for someone to save her. Trouble is, every time I try to help her in any way, she grabs me by the feet and tries to pull me under. So no more. Today I told her to go to the nearest ER and get help.

There's still so much more. But I'm learning that it doesn't matter. You just deal with one thing at a time, and do the next best thing. I'm not even wiggin' out! That's a good thing. Hey...I do appreciate y'all listening and offering up a little support.

~dig

[Paulie]

There's still so much more. But I'm learning that it doesn't matter. You just deal with one thing at a time, and do the next best thing. I'm not even wiggin' out! That's a good thing. Hey...I do appreciate y'all listening and offering up a little support.

We all need to be reminded of that, me for sure.

huge hugs to you.

[Freedom1990]

I am so sorry for your loss!

[lightseeker]

Dig -

I am really sorry for your loss. I work in trauma and one of my recurring nightmares is to have someone I know come in. I think that all of us that work in health care get faced with that at some time or another. You did everything that you could have done - there are times that it is just someone's time no matter how much we intervene. It iwll never make sense.

Thinking about you -

[Digginit]

Y'all who have done this kind of work do understand. It's a process, I guess, finding a way to distance yourself enough to keep doing your job well, but staying connected enough to be human, to feel. In the last (nearly) 2 years working the ER, he's the 3rd patient of mine who has died. I've known both of the others, and being in a small town (pop 5K), that's not unusual.

One of the guys used to drive our team busses in high school. I had been talking to him the day before in the grocery store. But he was sick with end-stage renal disease, and he had tied one on the night before. He was a bootlegger, and a very colorful fella. He was the first (and hopefully only...knock on wood) person that I performed an emergency trach on. He died anyway, but he died with an airway. His death was hard, but not so devastating as a physician because of his general health and his condition when he arrived (his diastolic pressure was 180's and his trachea had been perforated during an intubation attempt on the way in).

Anyway, I can see how people become bitter and uncaring. I love ER work....it keeps my skills current and I've worked too hard to learn how to do the things I can do to just let 'em slip away in favor of staying safe in my clinic. But I sure see why a lot of docs just wouldn't want to subject themselves to that. I think that instead of shying away, though, I'm going to work on finding that balance, that way to both work and feel. Surely it can be done.

~dig

[Ostara]

I am so sorry for your loss, Dig.
I've been a Charge RN and unit sup for PACU for a long time, and I'm sorry to say that no, we can't save them all. Sometimes it's just their time, even though we do our best. We can still believe in ourselves and our skills, even when they seem to fail us.
Before becoming unit sup, I worked as a CNA, then LPN, then RN, and most of my experience was Tele, Onc, Med-Surg, OR, and CICU as a floor nurse. My favorite place to work was Onc, because I got to know everyone while during their hopsital stays while recieving chemo and radiation. I remember one of our favorite patients, who just a week earlier, had his cancer pronounced in remission, coded deep in the night. No matter what we did, he was lost. Later that early morning, his wife came down, and she hugged us and thanked us. She was the one to tell us that it was just his time.
You're in my prayers.