Empty Nest Sydrome...Anyone Else Suffering???

[freya]

Yesterday my (20 year old perfectly capable) "baby" went back to college....he's going to be a junior this year, and next year he'll definitely spend most of his summer in NYC, trying to get some more of his work performed...So, this summer was probably the last time I'll even have either of my children in my house other than as a visitor......

....and oh my god....how I hate this feeling....this low-level, pervasive, sadness and emptiness...and when I get up at night and see that his room is empty it just makes me want to cry.....

It's not that I'm not proud of them and it's certainly not that I didn't very deliberately and consciously try to raise them up to be young men who were confident and independent and who want, and now see, their mom as a good friend on whom they can rely rather than as someone whom they need to take care of them......

......but it still hurts like hell.....

freya

P.S. ...but not anywhere near enough for me to even imagine for a second that I might want another baby...or even a grandchild before one of my kids is 30!

P.P.S.....and the fact that my super-codependent mom (who has never in her life since age 24 not had child to care for) lives with me and is totally freaking out, is not really helping.........

[ananda]

My son is 29 and still lives at home. I was so concerned about "empty nest syndrom" that I went to counciling to prepare for it when he was a senior in highschool....but it never happened LOL

But my heart goes out to you Freya....I know it will be dificult for me when he does leave (if ever). I'm just use to him being around.

Thanks.

[kj3880]

I have that same problem, Freya.
Although my son is still at home, my daughter only stays here about 2 nights a week. She's in college and she stays with her boyfriend's family a lot too. So I hardly ever have her here anymore. And that's new just this last 2 months or so. I miss her so much. She wasn't just my daughter, we were really good friends too since she's grown up. We used to do everything together before she got a b/f. I hate how 'ditched' I feel. I know it's the natural way, but it feels like a personal rejection to me. I know that it sounds really dumb, but that's just how I feel.

I still have my high-school son for a couple years, but boys aren't the same. He has his friends, sports, video games, and it's all I can do to get him to eat with me once a day. I guess that's normal too.

I miss being a Mommy, but like you Freya, I don't want grandkids just Yet! I hope that they at least give me until I'm 50 or do for that!

Love from:
KJ

[Digginit]

My son is only 11, and I'm already getting worked up over the thought of him leaving home...lol. Getting a little ahead of myself??? I feel for you. You must be proud though.

[scorpiogirl]

Originally Posted by freya

.......and oh my god....how I hate this feeling....this low-level, pervasive, sadness and emptiness...and when I get up at night and see that his room is empty it just makes me want to cry..... and now see, their mom as a good friend on whom they can rely rather than as someone whom they need to take care of them......

Gosh, if only I had what you have.

Your children are alive and doing well. What could any parent ask more of? My children are not doing well and they are well into adult years.

Regarding the empty-nest syndrome (syndrome, hmmm?) - I know it exists yet if you define yourself as a mom only and not a person with likes of her own, then there is work to be done. You are a person first before you were ever a mom. You are a you. Who are you? I remember years and years ago, I had a supervisor that said to me, "gosh, all I know about you is that you are a mom". That got me to thinking about what it is that I do like to do or what I like in general.

In Kahil Gibran's book, The Prophet, he says about children:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that
His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.


I was so emeshed with my children in my early recovery that an old-timer kept telling me about this book and about the children he writes about. I bought the book - The Prophet - it is a classic. I got visably angry when I read that passage (how dare you say my children are not my children!) and over the years would read it again and again until I finally got it. Everything is on loan to us here on the planet. It is a huge gift to give your child life and to let them go - go be their own person. You are a blessed lady.

I wish you peace.

[scorpiogirl]

Originally Posted by ananda

My son is 29 and still lives at home. I know it will be dificult for me when he does leave (if ever).

Oh dear, really? I'm sorry to hear that.

[freya]

Originally Posted by scorpiogirl

[color="DarkOrchid"]

Regarding the empty-nest syndrome (syndrome, hmmm?) - I know it exists yet if you define yourself as a mom only and not a person with likes of her own, then there is work to be done. You are a person first before you were ever a mom. You are a you. Who are you? I remember years and years ago, I had a supervisor that said to me, "gosh, all I know about you is that you are a mom".

Thanks for your awesome, well thought through post! I don't really have any problem at all knowing (or being) who I am...and, certainly being a mother is only a part of "me." I'm not expecting this sadness to morph into any kind of morbid long-term depression or anything, but I definitely am feeling it right now. I don't see how it would be possible/natural/healthy to be a mom and not feel it at this particular time of transition.

...and thanks to everyone for their replies -- freya

[Butterflywoman]

You have my sympathy for your feelings of loss, but you also have my envy. I would do anything to get my son to be independent. He is 37 and still a mama's boy. I am working on that now, but the longer you wait the harder that it is. Once you get past the empty nest feelings you will be so proud and grateful.

[Sugah]

I went through an empty nest phase two years ago when my oldest left. I couldn't understand how a house that still contained three teenage children, my husband, myself, and eight animals could feel so empty. But it did.

It's happening again. Two of my sons graduated in June and are now off to college. One is a commuter, but when he's not in class, he's working, studying or sleeping. The loudest and most flamboyant of my children is in the dorms at his school. I'm sure that the house is much different without him here.

Thing is, my "empty nest" this fall is the reverse of what it was two years ago. I'm the one who left home. I'm in the city Mon-Fri studying for my master's. I went from a household of six people a month ago to just me - and it is different. Sad. Exciting. Lonely. Invigorating. All sorts of things. I volley back and forth between enjoying the time to read and study to living for the weekend.

I think, like all things, we just have to walk through it - flowery meadows, brambles and all.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

P.S. I love the Gibran passage. A long time ago, when I was awaiting my first child, someone gave me The Prophet as a gift. I've tried to raise my children with that passage as a guide since then.

[itisatruth]

Freya, I know how you feel. It's been almost 2 years since my son moved out. He is 20 also. I live in a small town and he wanted to go away to school in a big city. He says he never wants to come back to this small town.

At first it was really hard and I still have days I'm sad when I just want to be able to see him and hug him and talk to him in person. Getting used to how quiet the house was took some time too --no loud music coming from his room, no video game sounds sounds and the sight of him on the computer too much, far fewer phone calls, and no more ESPN on 24/7-- I swear that boy always had it on. Even though I'm not really into sports that much, I always knew what was going on because of him, lol. Now I'm not even sure what season it is!

We used to talk every day too, but now that he has a girlfriend, I talk to him every few days at most. AND now they just moved in together!! That is still hard for me to be ok with. At least he's still in school.

I am proud of him for doing what he wants in life and taking care of himself (for the most part). I know it will take more time for me to get completely used to it. I do have a lot of other stuff going on which keeps me busy, my career being the most important to me at this point. But that doesn't mean we still don't miss them.

[scorpiogirl]

Originally Posted by freya

Thanks for your awesome, well thought through post! I don't really have any problem at all knowing (or being) who I am...and, certainly being a mother is only a part of "me." I'm not expecting this sadness to morph into any kind of morbid long-term depression or anything, but I definitely am feeling it right now. I don't see how it would be possible/natural/healthy to be a mom and not feel it at this particular time of transition.freya

You're welcome. You're right, it's pretty normal to feel the loss yet, I know you're also rejoicing on how terrific they turned out! (I wish I could say that about my two daughters - sigh ).

Sounds like you're fine and are very in touch with who you are - which alot of women aren't (that's why my original post). Alot of women define themselves as what they do for others instead of who they are. Their life is determined by someone else. I'm glad you know what's going on and sounds like you are a strong, determined woman.

My hat is off to you!

[freya]

Thanks for all the comments.....and, really, I sympathize with everyone who's going through this.

Today we were over at my sister's for a little Labor Day cookout and my son called. He was on his way to work (He works at a very well-known cafe in the Village --- which he loves and they love him so much they go out of their way to let him do things like come home for the summer) and he's like all excited because in the last day and a half one of his professors called and told him that she had volunteered him to direct a play for some of her acting students and a friend he has who graduated several years ago has asked him to write a 10-15 minute play for some performances he's putting together for later in the fall -- so he's like off and running before he even gets unpacked...and very excited, which is great.

I have some clients (wonderful, wonderful young couple) who moved to Brooklyn last year and they just had a baby, so I think I'm going to make a plan to go down to see them and also visit my son in about a month -- That'll give me something to look forward to!

freya

P.S.....and, of course, buy some shoes, too! Gotta buy shoes if I go to THE CITY!....definitely something to look forward to!

[51anna]

That sounds like a good attitude, Freya!

[indigo]

I will never have the 'empty nest' syndrome as my youngest and most severly handicapped son, he's 26 with the mental age of 3 to 4 will be with us for our lifetimes. he goes to a day cantre and returns every night, which is great but we never get an evening out or a weekend away and sometimes I'm sad to say that I resent it. When you do let go of your kids there is a process of grieving, when they come back as men/women it can be a great joy. I hope you don' have to feel this way too long.

[hjen]

freya,

i am another empty nester!

My oldest moved out at the beginning of the year for uni and my youngest went interstate four months ago.

I am so proud of them but have had alot of sadness and the house is huge and too quiet.

I remember finding my oldest diary when she was 14 and was devastated to read that she wanted to leave at 16yrs because of my drinking.

I am grateful that with sobriety they have left because they have lives to live and not to run away.

jen

[freya]

Originally Posted by hjen

I remember finding my oldest diary when she was 14 and was devastated to read that she wanted to leave at 16yrs because of my drinking.

I am grateful that with sobriety they have left because they have lives to live and not to run away.

...how wonderful that you are able to say that!

freya

[dancinggirl]

I have three boys ages 8 and under. "Empty nest" is my fantasy. lol

[BUTTERFLY-7]

I'm with U freya I know exactly how u feel
I also had 2 see my Baby Boy Go,after spending
Beutiful weeks of summer with him, I learn 2 appreciate the
gift that God gave me 16 years ago, not that I didn't before
but seen him all grown up, he lights up the room when his there

he left sund, back 2 upstate were he lives 4r now with his dad.
he is on his way 2 11th grade, I miss him like crasy he is the type of boy
that he could B going trough something, but he will always manage 2 save the day
by putting a smile on everybody, he is a born natural comedian.

I cry like a baby sund, night when the silence, and the emptiness,
field up the Apt, n not seen him in his room, I miss him my heart is
aching I spoke 2 him today he stars school on thur,so he was on his
way 2 the mall 2 go see a movie by him self, I worry cause he doesn't tell me
but I know he is suffering, cause he doesn't have any real friends
he is a loner,I could imagine how he most B feeling.

sorry 4r sharing so much, but I'm also on the empty nest syndrome:

[freya]

Nice graphic, BUTTERFLY-7! Sorry you're feeling so sad -- I don't know if I could've handled that -- having my kids living with their dad more than with me. Turned out he didn't even really want to have them as often as he could've -- which is his loss (and sad for them to have to deal with the fact that their dad's like that) but it was fine by me, as far as having them around most of the time.

Anyways, today at work I got another little reminder of how lucky I am as far as my boys go. One of my colleagues has gone through all this cr*p over the last year and spent 5K on College Admissions Consultants in order to get his daughter into a very elite private school that she really didn't have the grades or the temperament for -- but she wanted to go there, so he did everything (and more) to get her in. Then, ever since she finally got accepted -- but with no financial aid, of course -- he's been stressing about how he's going to afford the $50k+ that the place costs -- and I do mean like really stressing, because to pay out-of-pocket for a bill like that means that he probably has to write 70-80K more per year in business than what he's been writing.

So, anyways, last week he was off because he was taking her to school....and today when I see him, I'm like "So, how's Boston?" And he's like "Well, Boston''s great, but she's not there -- she's back here already!" Turns out she got there and didn't like her dorm and didn't like the fact she didn't have any friends, so she called on Thursday evening and whined and cried until he said he would come back on Friday and bring her home. So, he's out about 12K AND he has the spoiled little thing back at home!

Yes, I guess things could definitely be worse for me!!!! Thing is, as much as I do miss and love my kids there is no way in h*ll I'd ever let either of 'em get away with a friggin' stunt like that -- which, I suppose, is a good part of the reason they would never even dream of trying to!

freya

[Itsmytime]

Going through this also. My oldest left for University Sept 1 and having a hard time. Still have my youngest (15) at home, but feel like the house is so much quieter and I miss him terribly. His girlfriend was at our house most nights also, so missing her too.

I can so relate, until you go through this it is so hard to explain.

((hugs))

[Freedom1990]

Actually, I got thrown into the empty nest syndrome a lot sooner than I was prepared for when my then 15 year old daughter ran away with a 24 year old predator and ended up in the system (lockup first, then to a foster home) for 17 months.

The first week was unbearable. I attended a lot of meetings (still do), but after the second week I had started to fall into a nice pattern of being organized on housework and such stuff.

I actually came to enjoy my alone time. The hard part was when she was released back to me. We had both gone through tremendous changes.

Today she is still at home at age 20, but is gone a lot due to 2 jobs, and is looking at commuting to cosmetology school starting next month.

Personally I'm looking forward to the empty nest again.