Difficulty with my sex/love addiction

[zendust]

Hi all,

I'm in recovery for sex/love addictions as well as substance addiction. I've been celibate for over seven years. After much hard work in therapy and going through a two year bout with and illness and chemo, I feel healthy enough (relatively speaking, of course) to venture out in the dating world.

Last night, I met with someone from a dating site I am on, at a Starbucks for a cup of coffee. I have already met a few others and haven't had any sparks.

The "sparks" is the problem...I think. The guy last night gave me sparks...sexual sparks...but little else. Red flags went up when he mentioned he enjoyed porn. There were other red flags as well. Anyway, I was enjoying the thrill of titillating conversation way too much. He walked me back to my car and kissed me...tongue and all. I felt scared and withdrew quickly into the safety of my car. I drove home very confused...almost as if I had relapsed.

When I got home, I did a review (inventory?) of what transpired. I got centered again and realized I did not like this guy and do not want to see him again. It was only about sex and that's not what I want. So I feel the power of my autonomy again and know that I control my decisions (not how it was when I was active in my sex addiction).

But I feel a little disappointed that my mind could still "go there". I feel a little hopeless and don't know if I can ever feel safely "turned-on" again. I know I am putting the cart before the horse and need to develop a good trusting friendship first, but so far, the guys I like that way have zero physical attraction, and the one guy I found sexually attractive had zero trustworthiness (I felt fear, not safety).

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[ananda]

Well...sex is not my strong suit. I have put a lot of work in to healing from some things that really effected my attitudes and stuff about sex. I have a pretty good idea now about what I do and don't want from sex.

I do know that sex feelings are like all feelings and thoughts and stuff...if i don't hang on they pass like clouds. Easier said than done

It certainly sounds like you have pretty good awareness regarding what is going on and that really is key. I know for me, although i strive to head in "the right" direction, I have to also accept that some of these things will take a long time and a lot of doing a little better an a little better.

One of the reason's I am not for a BLANKET no relationships for a year is that we don't really get better at anything if we aren't trying to practice. I have been celebite (sorry for the spelling) for over 15 years...no sex drive at all for at least the last 14 though it came back recently. I had the opportunity to learn a lot during my time celebate about a lot of things....but you know, i didn't really learn much about intimate sexual/friendship relationships...hard to learn without the expereince

We will walk through this learning expereince together!

[51anna]

Hi Zendust,

I have no experience with sexual addiction, but I have an addictive mind. I agree with you completely that you need to frind friendship and trust, before the sexual part comes into play. I think that will help you to have more perspective on the situation.

[zendust]

Thanks for the responses.

Yes, it is all a learning experience ananda. I must remember that.

And 51anna, you are right. I couldn't go wrong with a good, solid friendship first. I must stick to that criteria for further intimacy.

[Butterflywoman]

This is where I go to get help for my love addiction . . .

Love Addicts Anonymous - Home

[zendust]

Thank you Butterflywoman, I'm going to check it out.

[lizw]

I'm a AA member and SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous).
Am only a newbie in SLAA though - going on 10 months.

What springs to mind is this:
- do you have a sponsor and regular contact with 'our types'
- do you attend some/a 'S' meeting/s?
- have you worked, continued to, work the steps in this fellowship?
- do you do service in this fellowship?
- have you got your own hobbies outside of recovery?

While being single and not having sex for a period of time is a beginning, it is not the 'complete' answer. I've heard it described as being like an alcoholic whose just not drinking...

[zendust]

I have a wonderful life "outside" of recovery and inclusive of recovery...it's all inclusive in my view.

I also believe there are other ways of recovery than just the 12 steps. I have many sources...especially my practice of Buddhism.

[WLDKATZ]

Zen-
First I want to say welcome, second I want to congradulate you on your YEARS of celibacy............the thought makes me shudder.......

I made it 6 months and was hunting as I call it all day and night and never did I get my need met....then when I finally started getting help for it I fell into Mister Right........I mean litterally.....

All I can say is go slow, make a list for you.....especially of red flags....and no matter what!!!!!!!!! MEET IN PUBLIC PLACES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You will be less inclined to make another move that you may regret later, I even went as far as refusing to kiss until after the third date......My E and I met in a park with kids everywhere and my dog inbetween us and after 3 hours together he looked at me and said I am going to marry you......scarry part is he knows all about my past all about what I have done and why he knows every aspect of me......and he supports me, when I am going threw one of my phases he helps me identify them and work threw them......I wont tell you it has all been up hill and lows it is a struggle everyday............but I love him enough to hold on to his promise that everything will be alright if we just work it together......I Pray that you will find your answers and an E for yourself as I did!!!!!


Love and Hugs,
Pamm

[Butterflywoman]

I have been in recovery for love addiction for 23 years and have been celibate for 15. I want to congratulate you for recognizing that sexual attraction is not enough. This is true recovery. The key to a successful relationship is a combination of compatibility and limerence (desire). If one is missing then you are in the wrong relationship. I hope you are very proud of yourself.

[lizw]

Originally Posted by zendust

I have a wonderful life "outside" of recovery and inclusive of recovery...it's all inclusive in my view.

I also believe there are other ways of recovery than just the 12 steps. I have many sources...especially my practice of Buddhism.

Yeah, I agree. I think there probably is lots of different ways one can 'recover' from sex/love addiction, another thing I have noticed is that everyones sex/love addiction seems to take different forms.

For me, it is becoming involved with needy men so I don't have to have to do any kind of emotional work or be intimate with another person, besides have sex with them anyway. But, while that is the end result, my pattern is that I seek out relationships so then it leads to the above. So a day at a time, I'm not seeking out relationships BUT at the same time I am not seeking to avoid relationships. That's been a knew one for me, after a guy showed an interest in me and I ran off. LOL. It's balance eh?

I assume I may meet someone in my everyday life eventually. And if not, my sponsor may kick my a** to take further action, as I am still young but she may not. The plans of my future don't include a partner anymore (I've already had kids) and that for me is really bizzare....

[zendust]

Dear WLDKATZ, Butterflywoman and lizw...thank you so much for sharing. Reading your experiences really helps. Just knowing I am not alone in the struggle is very comforting and also knowing we are each taking steps (pardon the pun ) towards healing.

I love this forum.