Ms Tree

[liveweyerd]

Welcome! You are in the right place! You will find many to both mourn and celebrate with. The support and friendships at SR are strong, compassionate and many.
Please make yourself at home.

Would you like to introduce yourself?

[nandm]

Welcome to SR, MsTree.

Thanks Live for the heads up on a new person

[ReachingOut77]

Hello. I am new to this and I need some support. I am addicted to Lortab and I need to get off of them. I am a therapist however I cannot do this on my own and I feel like I cannot get help in the town I live in because my clients are there at the meetings. Please send me in the right direction.

[indigo]

Welcome to SR as everyone has said you've come to the right place.

[ColdSweat]

Originally Posted by ReachingOut77

Hello. I am new to this and I need some support. I am addicted to Lortab and I need to get off of them. I am a therapist however I cannot do this on my own and I feel like I cannot get help in the town I live in because my clients are there at the meetings. Please send me in the right direction.

Hey ReachingOut. That was my drug of choice as well. Now I am on them for pain management as well, ironically enough. But I haven't abused in 5 days. This place is full of love and support. I believe you'll find your way here . As for your meetings/your clients being at them... perhaps they'd identify with you more as a therapist & you'd be able to help them even more if they were reminded that everyone is human? Why can't I find the hug smiley when I need it? Lol.

[MsTree]

Hi Everybody, I've been playing catch up. New to everything computer except basic email and word processing. Just got a new Apple and am taking classes. And just got Fios. Previously only had dial up so haven't even had much experience on the internet. So I simply haven't been able to figure out how to navigate this site, let alone what to do when I get where ever it is I am. If you know what I mean. And I am sober too! But I'm here now. I'll actually "introduce" myself shortly. Only have a second right now

[Digginit]

Welcome, MsTree. Your computer plight is so familiar to me. I'm glad I have bookmarks. Makes it easy.


dig

[CarolD]

Hi again....

Glad to see you here with us.

[MsTree]

This will be my third attempt to introduce myself. Each time I've tried to submit reply and found I'd been logged out, or something? Anyway all my writing efforts lost. So I will do this in little bits and pieces.

Part 1. I'm old as dirt. Was married 35 years. He led a double life the whole time. I had no idea and would never have guessed. No one would have. He postured as a great man of God. I lived according to the strictest of sort of strange standards. But I respected them. They were/are quite lofty ideals. But he never lived them.

He is an addicts. Supposedly in recovery. But he does not work any program, had a sponsor for a few weeks, and believes he is okay because he claims he doesn't "use" anymore. But... well, you know.

And I'm here because of my PTSD, and what I read here about the nonviolent abuse and how thankful I was to find supportive words. And because he moved out this weekend. And I'm alone for the first time in my whole life. And I'm scared. But sort of happy too. When I'm not scared.

[MsTree]

I just proofread my post. I see I wrote "he is an addicts". Freudian. He has multiple addiction issues.

[indigo]

Well you've come to the right place, I'm not surprised you have PTSD and I hope you have a good counselor to take things through with, 35 years you deserve a medal for courage and bravery. You sound like a strong woman who has been beaten down, you can get help you can regain your self respect and even if you're "old as dirt" (I am too) you can get yourself a life. We here to hear and be here for you. Hope you'll keep posting.

[MsTree]

Introduction part 2---the soap opera continues

Part of the reason it took me so long to recognize we/I was in trouble was that nothing about our situation fit into any pattern. We weren't diagnosable. Mostly because he was so successful at hiding everything. Partly because we were not living a traditional lifestyle anyway, so I never could compare us to other people. And partly because I was not and am still not sure how much of his behaviors are simply abusive, how much are a result of years and years of addictive reasoning, and how much might be a result of some kind of genuine mental illness. Sometimes I think he knows exactly what he's doing and it's all very calculated. And other times I think that he has absolutely no clue and that he's more to be pitied than feared.

But in the end I finally realized that the fact was whether he knew what he was doing or not, he did know how much his behaviors were hurting me (and his family) and he was refusing to get into a program, or get a sponsor, or get counseling, or do anything else by way of taking responsibility for himself. And the bottom line was that I'd been living in terror long enough.

So one day I found myself telling him I never wanted to hear the words "I'm sorry again". I told him that the only thing that counted anymore was changed behavior. Without that, "I'm sorry" didn't count.

[MsTree]

Today I ventured into my spousal unit's bedroom. He hadn't vacuumed it since I left it a year ago. Nor had he changed his sheets since I last did a years ago. It was gross. I remembered all the years of being told I was obsessive compulsive every time I objected to his "ways". And the way I bought into the label and have even identified myself that way for years. And how sad it is that if I hadn't discovered his double life I might never have questioned his evaluation and conclusions about me.

So now I will find out if I'm obsessive compulsive or not. And then decide what I want to do about it if I am.

He sent an email. He hasn't been willing to "lower" himself enough to express any kind of feelings to me in over a year. And now all of sudden he's telling me how crippled with depression he is. All I could think of was the zillions of times I told him how crippled with depression I was and how looked right through me. Or the zillions of times he walked right through the room and out again while I lay there sobbing my guts out after some of his abuse. And so I responded to the business aspect of the email, and completely ignored his emotional statements. Does that make me as much of a jerk as he is?

[51anna]

Hi Ms Tree,

You should do whatever you feel comfortable with. You chose to avoid the emotional part of the email. I don't think either of you are jerks. You're just two people who are trying to move along in their lives. Clearly he has hurt you in the past and you are suffering because of that, so you need to take care of yourself.

[MsTree]

I don't know how to say what I think I need to say without offending somebody. But I feel like I have to say it anyway. If I'd only been abused for 35 years, that would be one thing. But I was made to believe that not only was it not abuse but that I was insane for even thinking that something might be wrong with my life. And he convinced everybody else I was insane as well, so that even when I started to believe I wasn't the one who was crazy, nobody would listen to me.

The only thing that gave me the confidence to begin to even [/u]consider[/u] breaking free from my bondage was having one good friend who convinced me that my husband really is a jerk! So maybe it makes me a jerk for calling him a jerk, but if I didn't believe that, he'd still be living here drugging and raping me and having sex with our dog, (and then kicking the crap out of her), and all the other sick things he used to do.

But the thing is, I don't want to be a jerk. And that's part of the reason it took so long to take this step. Because every time I tried to take a step out of the insanity, he'd accuse me of being one. And he's trying to make me feel like one now. And the only way I'm going to be able to stand firm is by remaining convinced that he's not a poor, pitiful little lost soul like he wants me to believe he is, but a mean, hateful, spiteful, dangerous, abusive, manipulative, jerk.

I don't have any desire to waste any more of my time than I have to sitting around dwelling on his jerkiness. But when and if he tries to intimidate or guilt me into allowing him back into my life, I'm going to remind myself of what a jerk he's been.

[indigo]

Can you get to talk to someone? you need help on this one, and a professional person can assesss the situation for you.

[DSodaNow]

Ms. Tree,

I think that you need to stay away from this man. He sounds like a very dangerous person. Indigio is right, you need help on this one. At the very least a therapist and a good lawyer.

And don't beat yourself up about being a jerk about anything. It sounds to me like you have the right to be a jerk or worse for awhile.

Good luck with it all!

[nandm]

Please call a womans shelter in your area and speak with someone who might be able to help you. Absolutely NO one deserves to be abused by anyone. You are not his property, you are a person. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. The YWCA usually provides free or reduced cost therapy which you might find useful to help you understand and deal with the emotions from the abuse. There is a posty link above that you might find helpful. Please take care and keep us posted.

[MsTree]

Thanks. I have had a really hard time finding a good therapist. I had one for two years who helped me get by for a while simply by telling me, week after week, that I wasn't the crazy one in the relationship. I'd tell her the "event of the week", my reaction to it, how I was dealing with it, and ask her if I was reacting and acting "sane". And each week I feel like I was getting my money's worth just to be reassured that I was not the crazy one. But that's not quite good enough after two years and all those co-pays. Part of the problem is insurance and the limitations and restrictions that imposes. The other part is finding somebody competent to deal with PTSD. At least that's what my sister says. She's a therapist and that's her specialty. I've told her about some of my experiences with therapists, and at least according to her, I'm not finding the "right people". (Where are the right people hiding and how to we find them?)

For now, just having him gone is great therapy! And I went to a lawyer today.

Money talks, you know what I mean? I know that's just how the world works. So I know there's not enough in it for any lawyer to break her neck over my case. But she's going to make a stab at it for me. Too boring to waste your time with details. But I probably don't have to tell you that without broken bones and police reports I'm kind of stuck. And I'm in a "no fault" state, so literally, even if I had proof he'd tried to murder me, it wouldn't make any difference to the division of property.

But thanks for your support and kindness. That's good therapy!

[MsTree]

. There is a posty link above that you might find helpful. Please take care and keep us posted.[/quote]

Above where?

[Ostara]

Wow, Ms. Tree, if you weren't all the way across the country from me, I'd think we were talking about the same man. I totally agree that a domestic violence counsellor and therapist are in desperate need, and I can totally relate to being made to feel like you are the one who's unsane and loopy.
I completely feel you, though, just trying to understand and gather up the pieces of your life.
Just remember, no one will judge you for what you've gone through, and I can tell you honestly that it is integral to recovery to begin dealing with what we've experienced. Take care, and keep us posted, sister.
-Tzaddi

[nandm]

Originally Posted by MsTree

. There is a posty link above that you might find helpful. Please take care and keep us posted.

Above where?[/quote]

Heres a link to it http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...emotional.html (Abuse - Physical & Emotional)

[liveweyerd]

Most places have domestic crises centers and offer super counselors for FREE!

I have a book that I think you may find helpful if you would like me to mail it to you.

hugs,...and you are not a jerk.....his emotional pity party, I see as pure manipulation.

Live