Hey guys.

[ColdSweat]

Hey guys, I'm new. I don't know how to start this, so I'll cut right to the chase. I'm a 3-day recovering (that seems so small) alcoholic/pill-popper. I apologize if the latter isn't politically correct. I suppose drug-addict would fit as well, no use in sugarcoating things. Apologies if I'm bitter. You guys understand.

I got wasted everyday for about a year (was it two?). Mostly on pills - whatever I could get my hands on, excess over-the-counter meds, other people's prescriptions, off friends who tongue'd their meds. Pills were everyday, booze was whenever I could get it, which wasn't as rare as you'd think. Whenever I'd drink it became a sick goal to take it all the way. It wasn't over unless it was all gone, I was puking in random places, or I was passed out. I've walked down the street half naked at 6AM in the projects still trashed from the night before, with no sleep (when I drink, I don't sleep, I stay up and drink, the insomnia helps). And in my head, this was better than being sober, feeling miserable. But, pills we're quite different. I needed just enough to make me loopy, but not enough to be completely gone. Just, steady-handed. But I'm dependant on them (I use the present tense because, you're always recovering, never recovered), I need them to feel normal. I used everyday. And once in a while, someone would find a stash or find the medicine cabinet almost completely empty. And I'd hurt someone I loved. I think we're all familiar with guilt here, and feeling completely down on ourselves, yes? Yes.

So. Why do I want to be sober now? They say we've got to hit our bottom, right? Theoretically, that should've been a number of times for me, all of us. But no, for me, it was 3 days ago. It was about one in the morning when I went upstairs (insomnia), to try and rest my back - it'd been killing me for days. I mean, it always hurts, but this was far worse. I knew in the back of my mind I'd messed myself up bad. I kept taking Midol during the duration of that night, nothing would touch this pain. Absolutely nothing. By 2:30 AM I had taken a bottle of Midol, and was on the floor, naked, crying in pain, in the dark. I couldn't move my body, I was convulsing, and I thought I was going to die. I was alone. No one was gonna walk through the door. Sid Vicious' "My Way" wasn't even on. It was all wrong. I was scared. More than I've ever been in my life. I knew in the back of my mind that I'd done this to myself. I passed out on the floor at 4, and woke up at 6, freezing cold, and I could barely move just a little. I managed to crawl into bed, still writhing and crying in pain, and laid there until 9, when someone finally decided it was time I see a doctor.

I spent about 6 hours in the ER, where they had to catharize (sp?) me for a urine sample, because I couldn't move & they couldn't tell if the blood was in my urine or from my menstraution (I can't spell, I'm sorry). Turns out, nothing wrong with my bladder. So they gave me Lortabs for my pain (ironic, because Hydrocodone is generic for Lortab, and that's my drug of choice, but I don't tell the doctors that). Though, I did genuinely need that for pain, I swear you'd think you were gonna die. So they gave me a CAT scan, nothing wrong with my kidneys (doctor scared the hell out of me when he said blatantly he thought it was stones!). I was shocked at that, it takes me about 10 minutes to pee. So they did an Xray. Nothing wrong with my back. They didn't know what was wrong with me, after 6 excrutiating hours. So they sent me home with a load of hydros & referred me to my gynecologist, who I saw today.

My gyno took some cultures, which hurt like hell, and he said they shouldn't have. So he did some more tests with my pain reactions, and called me into his office. He said my uterus was "very tender and weak" & most likely enlarged, therefore pressing on the nerves in my back. We'll find out in a week whether or not it's an infection, or endomecreosius (I cannot spell to save my life). If it's the latter, he's putting me in for surgery.

Even now on my pain medication, I am in excrutiating, but dull and aching pain. I can't help but think I really messed myself up. I've hurt everyone that I love, and myself. Please help me stay sober. I'm sick of this and feeling this way about myself. I want life to be beautiful without drugs and booze.

Other than that. Uh. I'm a writer.

[1963comet]

Want to say hey and welcome. Glad you decided to join in here. So many good people to help you.

Have you thought about a support group?

Hope to see you here.

[SelfSeeking]

Welcome to SR 3 days is not small, 3 days is GREAT. Don't minimize your accomplishment, especially with the amount of pain you're in!

[TTOSBT]

Welcome home!

[Impurrfect]

Welcome to SR!

3 days is HUGE! I remember when I couldn't get ONE day!

I'm glad you're here. Read around other threads, post when you feel like it, and get comfortable...SR is full of wonderful, supportive people.

I hope your pain is relieved soon.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[chiynita]

Hi there...Check out my location..We neighbors!!

[2stop]

Welcome!!!

I am glad you're here................((((Warmest HUgs)))))

[indigo]

Welcome to SR I'm sure you'll love the support and friendship and encouragement. I hope the test turn out ok for you, let us know and please keep posting.

[CarolD]

Good to know you are seeking answers
I'm sorry you are in pain...

Welcome!

[vegibean]

Coldsweat, I hope that you'll come back this and read it as I saw that you still have only one post as of this morning on Thursday.

I had some issues that I would call "health" issues while I was using/drinking and after getting all that crap out of my system, detoxing, spending a lengthy amount of time in a treatment center and "cleaning" my head up as well........I feel much better and I've got a clean bill of health. Mind you I never went to the doctor because I was too busy drinking and as well too scared but I feel like a million bucks now that I'm not drinking my days away.

I wish you the best in recovery. I know a couple of girls who once got sober, dealt with pain managment WITH OUT narcotics, they are "healed" so to speak, amazing, huh?

My one friend had to use a walker because she was so hunched over all the time, not any more. I know one other lady, great woman in recovery, who went through treatment in a wheel chair..........wheel chair is a thing of the past.

I'm just saying that if you get help this may be do-able for you. My best wishes to you. I know it's hard to deal with the extras when they seem to just make matters worse.

[ColdSweat]

Wow. Thank you guys for the warmest welcomes I could ever ask for. I don't know where to start!

Vegibean, that is amazing, a real story of strength. For you and the women you mentioned. I couldn't imagine going through this immense pain without my meds, but yeah the extras are hard... When I went outside to have a cigarette as the hospital after they gave me the Lortabs, life around me just looked so beautiful. That's when I knew though, no more. I have someone holding onto my Hydros, so I don't do something stupid with them, and only give them to me when I truly need them. Kudos and big hugs to you and the strong women you mentioned<3.

Indigo, when I find out in a week what's wrong with me, I'll definitely tell you guys. I plan to be here a lot in my days. I work at home, the writing thing, so I'll be popping in and out everyday at various times. Apologies on only posting once last night, it took me about 2 hours to write my introduction, and I just felt good getting all that stuff off my chest. Then it was about midnight, and I hobbled upstairs so my boyfriend could put me to bed on the phone, ha. He's good support for me as well - he has a heart condition, and is completely sober, always has been, and he wants to help me. Bless him.

Chiynita! Cool that we're neighbors, makes me feel kind of closer to this board all ready


1963comet, I wanted to go to rehab, when I was in the hospital, and mentioned it to my mother (she went with me/drove me), and she wouldn't let me, heh. Told me to find an online place. So. C'est la vie. I'll be legal soon anyhow, if I still feel the need to go after the wonderful support you guys are giving me, I will go. My boyfriend also told me he would drive me to an outpatient program if he had to.

Thank you guys again for so many warm welcomes to a stranger. I do feel quite at home now. Group hugs<3. I'll be around xxx

[Paulie]

Hi and welcome from me too.

3 days it GREAT, we all stay clean just one day at a time!!!

Please be sure to tell every dr you see about your drug use, amount, length, what you are/were taking. They cant begin to help you unless they know the truth.

And as for the pain mgmt that was already shared with you. I too have a friend in recovery that was in a wheel chair on managed narcotics....now off all of them and walking. It is possible with a program.

Honesty has to come first, they cannot help you unless they know the truth.

I am a program thumper.....call your local NA hotline, find a meeting in your area.

[ColdSweat]

Thanks for the welcome Paulie. Your support means a lot. One day at a time, right? That's what I'm trying to do, that's all any of us can do, right?

I'm really afraid to tell my dr's about my usage, in fear they won't give me anything for the pain. I've never been afraid of anything in my life except for pain, I have a really low tolerance for it. Legally, if you're an addict, they can't give you pain meds, correct? I read that in A Million Little Pieces, is it the truth?

As for finding a meeting in my area... I wish I could. Except, I'm a minor and my parents won't let me. Never underestimate the power of denial, heh. My boyfriend would probably take me, he gets his license very soon. I'm gonna try and get all the help I can.

On another note. These antibiotics for my uterus are making me nauseaus. I'm having trouble taking them. And I don't wanna puke, and puke up my pain meds, because then I can't have them again for another 6 hours. I don't think this is supposed to happen. Ugh

[Toomutch]

Welcome ColdSweat and congratulations on your 3 days of sobriety- what an awesome beginning. I am glad you have the support from your boyfriend.
Please try to be honest with your doctor about everything and please keep posting.

[Paulie]

I'm really afraid to tell my dr's about my usage, in fear they won't give me anything for the pain. I've never been afraid of anything in my life except for pain, I have a really low tolerance for it. Legally, if you're an addict, they can't give you pain meds, correct? I read that in A Million Little Pieces, is it the truth?

IMO without the truth, they cannot help you correctly. And I speak from experience when I tell you that because you have been on pain meds for so long, your body/mind does not know what real pain is anymore. I am not saying you are not in real physical pain, I am just saying, that after so long out bodies/minds do not know the difference.

Regarding "A Million Little pieces" I dont know what is true in that book and what is not. I did read it and found it factual in my personal experience and others I know in alot of ways.

I have told my drs starting 13 years ago when I got clean that I am an addict and you would be surprised how many still try and perscribe narcotics LOL.

I understand you are a minor and that does change things. Call your local NA hotline, talk to another recoverying addict on the phone, just the call will be comforting to you, I promise you that.

And yes, we all just are trying to stay clean one day at a time, and together, we can do it.

I admire your courage to post and be honest with us, that is the first step.

[ColdSweat]

Thanks TooMutch, for the warm welcome :]. My boyfriend's quite amazing, he's a writer like me, and he's compiling me a bunch of recovery poems "full of love and support". Bless him.

Paulie, I agree that my body/mind probably doesn't know the difference... but I know you understand that the pain is real to me. The next time I see a doctor, I'll be sure to tell them - it's another step, right?... I enjoyed reading A Million Little Pieces, and I also found it quite true to the life of an alcoholic/addict. Everything in it is pretty believable to me, seeing as how I've seen myself and mostly everyone I love go through some unbelievably debauched times. Congratulations on your 13 years of sobriety! That is so inspiring. My grandfather is a 35 year recovering, and it'd be fair to say he's a big inspiration to me. All you guys are, even if I am quite new here. How do you deal with pain without prescribed narcotics, Paulie? I admire your strength and courage. I'll call the NA hotline, thank you for the suggestion .

[Paulie]

but I know you understand that the pain is real to me.

I absolutely do!!! All the more reason to be honest with your dr. And I am glad you are going to tell the dr, they need to know, not just to help you, but to treat you properly.

Over the years I have had a few surgeries, and I have taken narcotics for them. When needed I have taken them as directed by my dr (again telling them I am an addict) I have told my NA sponsor and kept in close contact with her and others in the program. I have used the tools I have learned in recovery during my times of true physical pain. And to be honest there have been times that in the past I would have used narcotics but being in recovery I have learned that I needed them as much as my head told me I did. But that came after some clean time.

Keep doing what you are doing, coming here being honest, call the hotline, be honest with the drs.....just stay honest and clean for today, just today, dont trip on tomorrow, or next week, just stay in today.....that is how I have done, honestly, that is how I have done it, just by staying clean one day at a time.

You are going to be fine, you will deal with the physical stuff like you are, then with help the emotional part of the addiction.

And I agree about the book, even after finding out that it was not his real story, I still identified with it as the story of an addict. I was just disappointed in his dishonesty. I still would have read the book even if he had not said it was his story, just an addicts story.

For me, it I dont stay honest, that whole staying clean one day at a time thing, that wont work. Lies feed my disease.

Be sure to rest and eat well to, feed mind body and spirit

Oh and that is awesome about your grandfather. Is he someone you feel you can share your addiction with?

[ColdSweat]

Originally Posted by Paulie

...I needed them as much as my head told me I did.

I understand that bit quite a lot. I just do. I hear ya. I admire you for your strength.

Originally Posted by Paulie

Keep doing what you are doing, coming here being honest, call the hotline, be honest with the drs.....just stay honest and clean for today, just today, dont trip on tomorrow, or next week, just stay in today.....that is how I have done, honestly, that is how I have done it, just by staying clean one day at a time.

Oh I plan to. This place makes me feel a little warmer. . I'll call the hotline, and do it all one day at a time. Today's a good day. There will be bad ones, but today's a good day.


Agreed about the book. I write stuff like that, it's kinda like Frey meets Bukowski meets Damon Runyon. It's one thing I do that I'm really proud of haha.

Thanks for the support :], all of you.

Yeah, my gramps is, we talk a lot, but I mean, he's quite old. And has a bad heart. I don't wanna worry him too much before he passes on. But we have our wee heart to hearts, he gets it. He keeps telling me I have to want it. And make an effort. And now I am.

[TTOSBT]

ColdSweat,
I so admire you for your maturity and wisdom at such a young age. You have what it takes to make it!!
It is all in HOW we did it
H onesty
O pen Mindedness
W illingness

And you sound like you are off to a great start. Enjoy your wonderful day!
Do you have any NA books? Maybe since you can not get to meetings you can start reading in the Basic Text?

[Paulie]

I work at home, the writing thing, so I'll be popping in and out everyday at various times.

I am a bit confused, and I understand it is none of my business....but you work from home, a minor? what about school?

You dont have to answer this if you dont want of course, I am just curious.

[kj3880]

Coldsweat,
Your parents need to know that a lot of minors go to NA meetings.
Just reading your posts, you seem like you're intelligent and determined. I'm betting that if you want to go to meetings as bad as you wanted to drink and use, you'll find your way there. I'm not suggesting lying to parents. I'm suggesting you go see an addictionologist with your parents. The dr. will almost certainly explain that you need to go to meetings to get and stay clean. This dr. can also help you manage your pain, as mine does, with medication that may not be as addicting. He can even give you drugs to help you get and stay clean, if you want them. My addictionologist insists (as most all of them do) that his patients attend NA or AA. He always asks me how meetings are going.
Online support, though helpful, can't replace face-to-face meetings, sponsorship, and medical help that you desperately need. You alone can do this, but you can't do this alone.
KJ

[lizw]

Glad you could join us.

I've been clean and sober 10 years and got sober young.
Just prior to my 21st birthday.
Hope you ring the NA helpline, there is a ton of help avail to us, we just have to be willing to reach out for it.

And lastly, I'm a writer too.
I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts

[ColdSweat]

TTOSBT, thank you very much for your kind words ... I don't have any NA books, though I've read the AA books. I'm getting there. Would there be bookstores, like Borders, or small, private-owned ones with such literature? I buy books all the time from various places, so the books I could definitely manage.

Paulie, what I meant was, and forgive me for not being clear, I "work" at home during the summer, as I'm a writer. I got to scho