The strength of my program...

[Paulie]

I can tell how strong my program is by the way I deal with situations.

Last night I was leaving to take my SO's daughter and myself to a concert in Oakland (a city about 1 hour or so from my house that I hate to drive to) my SO came home and was kinda short with me about why I hadn't done something. He got in the shower, I said goodbye from outside the bathroom door and left.

About 30 minutes later I called him from my cell phone and when he answered he said -

Him - Are you calling to apologize?

Me - No, I am calling so you can apologize.

Him - why should I apologize?

me - because you did not communicate to me that you wanted me to do something and then you got upset because I did not do it. That is not fair to me, if you want me to something you just need to ask me. (I said very calmly)

Silence on the phone....
Him - okay I am sorry.

Me - me too!

I know this may sound silly to some of you, but when I am not actively working a program of recovery, like I have not done while I have been clean, this silly little thing would have been totally different. I would have been really upset and it would have ruined my night. I would have been a total B to his daughter (which I have acted that way in the past) and then to make it worse, I would have apologized for something I did not even do.

My point is...for me...when I am active in my program. Meaning, I go to meetings, I am doing step work, I am working with other women, I am checking in with my HP daily trying to do what He wants me to do not what I want to do, my silly little situations come out good and sometimes, like this time, I even learn something about myself.

Thanks for listening and I hope this means something to someone else .

And by the way...the concert was GREAT - we saw the Dixie Chicks and they rocked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! awesome show!!!! This young girl that I had never heard of Michelle Branch opened for them, she is great too!!!!
And even more important, I was a part of a memory that a 13 year old girl will hold in her heart!

[2stop]

I neede to read this today, Thank you for sharing this with us Pauline. What appeals to me about NA/AA is that it teaches you how to cope with life, getting sober seems to be the least of my problems in proportion to how I react/not cope with problems. I get so feaked out and hurt by the smallest things as well as the bigger stuff. I read so many stories of how the program has helped rebuild lives. All this week i have been reading the stories in the back of my NA book, I think back to the stories in the AA book too-there are some good ones also. want to rebuild my life so bad it hurts that i seem to be incapable of even getting to a meeting. Thank you for sharing how this program helps you..maybe I will be able to help myself here soon.
You are a wonderful and amazing lady Pauline!! Thank you for being here and for all you share.

[SkyIsFalling42]

Pauline
Thank you for sharing that in touch with your feelings, in control of yourself, open communications conversation with us!! That could have been a much different conversation than what it was!!
No false assumptions, no past guilt, etc!! Thats great!
It is nice to hear about people who are making wonderful memories with the young ones, we need more of that!! You have my admiration!! The Dixie Chicks!! My daughter loves their music and she sings it great!!

[Paulie]

Tammie -

It is the 12 steps of the program that teach me how to deal with life on lifes terms, it is not always easy believe me. I could take a little situation like the one I wrote about and made that something HUGE in my head and beat myself up about it all night long. I know cause I have done it 1000 times, but when I am putting my program first, my relationship with God first, I react differently. When I am working a program, working on my spirituality on a daily basis I feel different about myself.

Remember when we disucssed what we deserve, and I told you that I don't deserve to be sober any more or less than you do, and the same with you? Well when I am in the right space with my program, I know that. I know that I deserve the best. I know that my spiritual maintenance is the most important thing in my life and my program keeps that strong...WHEN I WORK IT.

Tammie - it is time my friend, you have to do this for yourself, let go of the pain.

Sky - it was great, it was something small and simple, but just the fact that I know what I did felt really great. And today instead of feeling like a piece of crap cause I didn't do something he wanted me to do, I did it, cause he nicley asked me to and now we are both happy. I know, sounds silly, but so very important in my life and my recovery. I am one of those people that takes on the feelings of the people in my life, good or bad, but i didn't let his crap get me...and that is HUGE for me.

Thanks again for listening guys, I will shup up now...don't laugh, really I will

[SkyIsFalling42]

Pauline
Dont shut Up!!!! then we will have to set a trap for you!!
Something like a glass slipper!! LOL
I dont think what you shared sounds silly at all, not at all. It is an essential part of living the best we can and I think its great!! Alot of couples would have been arguing, and mad and what would that have gotten them? Exactly what they did not want. You go girl!!

[Paulie]

Okay okay - you twisted my arm LOL!

I mean it really was a silly thing between Paul and I, but what I did was huge, because of my program and that is what I want to share with you guys. The program of AA/NA has helped me do more than just stop drinking and using, it helps me daily to live my life. I continue to grow and learns as a person. This is not the only thing that happened me to recently.

Last week...I thought for the last 7 or so years that the best way for me to make an amends to My so's exwife was by taking care of her children. Now when I say I needed to make amends to her, I really mean. I have known him for years and we were together on and off for years and some of those years we were together they were together and some of those years they were married. But I always felt, of thought I felt that saying I'm sorry for having an affair with someones husband was not enough. I have jumped into some threads here at SR on infidelity and an awesome friend I have made here at SR pointed out to me a few weeks ago that maybe I was still carrying around alot of guilt over what I had done to this woman even though I said I wasn't due to the fact that I have done alot to make a good home for her children.

So, instead of getting mad at my SR friend for calling me on my crap, I thought about it and realized that she was absolutely right. Then my HP stepped in. The ex called me for something small. I said to her - while I have you on the phone can I talk to you about something, and she said sure...and off I went -
In a nutshell -
I apologized for what I had done to her in the past. I explained to her that I have almost 8 years sober and that I am not the same person that I was then. I apologized for disrespecting her as a woman. I told her the thing about making an amends through her children to her but that now it was time for the to say that I was sorry for the hurt that I caused in her life. I explained tha ttoday I am a really good person as long as I don't put drugs or alcohal into my body. the converstation went really well, she even thanked me for taking care of her kids so good and told me that she knows how much they love me. She said that we were all young back then and we all did some stupid things, even she did, we all made mistakes. We talked about the kids for a few minutes and the kind of people they are growing into.

This was huge - huger than huge for me. The weight that was lifted off my shoulders was so huge, I did not think that I was carrying that guilt around any longer, but when I hung up that phone, the release that I felt was amazing.

Again, all because today I am activley working a spiritual program of recovery. Can I say that enoug? NO!

(Whew!!!!!!!--------Okay I win for longest post in SR history!!!)

I have been waiting for the right time to post this in WIR and today just seemed right.

Love you ladies!!!

[2stop]

{{{{{{PAULINE}}}}}}

[SkyIsFalling42]

Pauline
A trap must have scared you to death!!! LMAO
I think it is so important for us to see the program being utilized such as you are able to do. Although I do not have the drug/alcohol struggle, (God spared me this) I seem to have all of the rest of the package?? Some aspects of the program do benefit me also.
The rewards of this are so irreplaceable in life. You were able to stand back and objectively look at your feelings when your friend made a suggestion. Im sorry, but there are not many people who are able to do that!!
And the gifts that were gained in your converstation with the ex are endless. Personal on your part, personal on her part, the kids will benifit in many ways, and your man.
She is so lucky to know that her/your kids are in such loving care.

Love ya Pauline!! I am so happy for you, this takes some people an entire lifetime to accomplish..even if they do!!

Awesome!

[Paulie]

But....tomorrow he my come home, ask 'hey what did you do today?' and I could take that as he thinks I do nothing all day long but mess around and I could head for the fridge and eat an entire cheese cake...it is just one day at a time my friend.

LOL - the trap - yeah that scared me.

Okay I am really really done now.

Cinderella needs to pay some bills before the wicked bill collectors come knocking on the door!!! and prince charming thinks he can go buy another guitar or something crazy like that!!LOL!!!

[2stop]

OMG..I do the same thing, I get asked what did I do today--and I think I've been insulted and told I really don't do anything worthwhile. I overreact or underreact to almost everyhting these days it seems. One day at a time.. I'll get my program in gear soon.