Women's 12 steps

[ananda]

Hi,

a coffee group i go to has been reading parts of a book "A woman's way through the 12 steps". It puts is a different perspective on working the 12 steps. We read steps 8 and 9 and 6 and 7 and i found it very helpful.

It has a workbook and I am going to begin working on this tonight. Anyone else ever read it? I'll share what i learn here.

Thanks.

[kj3880]

No, I've never heard of it before. Please let me know how it is different. Thanks.
KJ

[ananda]

well...in step 8 it talks about that it isn't just about lie cheat and steal, but the subtle stuff like harming others by taking care of people so they don't learn or grow and the refusal to make a decision in a relationship but letting the other do it, or simply not being open with the people in our relationships. not being emotionally honest and harm caused by lies of ommision. being overresponsible and being sorry for harm when we didn't really cause the harm or we didn't really do anything "wrong". Also not taking responsiblity for other peoples behavior like we "caused" it.

Just some things that I don't always get from listening to the Joe and Charlie tapes, which we also listen to. I get something from a lot of different ways of looking at the steps. This book has just helped me to explore some different ways of the steps in my life that I don't always see in my AA readings.

Just a different perspective...always helps me out.

[deezaldog]

Ananda, It is a great book. I attend a womans meeting that uses this book. Some real heart wrenching sharing goes on in this meeting. Last Mon. we read the same pages. I had a real problem with the lying by ommission stuff. I still go with the what you don't know won't hurt you theory. But I shared something that I have been struggeling with for the past week. I said I felt bad about some of the things I did in the past and as soon as I said it I thought to myself, No you don't, you said that because that is what you think they want to hear. Well, it bugged my until last Mon. Of course, I felt alot better after admitting this and it was not telling the truth. I had confessed this last night to the girls in the meeting that I originally "lied" to and it was a great growing experience. I still have a ways to go, but I do enjoy the book. Love to hear your thought on it.

[ananda]

the readings hit so home at one meeting that a woman with 27 years said it was making her think about things she hadn't thought about and that it was very uncomforable.....occasionally we get so uncomfortable we can't share...but it is still good cause we are all realating and usually later we can share.

Just cracks some things open for most of us.

I love this coffee group cause we look at the steps from so many different veiws. I haven't read to them from my buddhist 12 step book yet, but will eventually.

It's real nice to have this "non-meeting" setting in which no one feels limited by a particular paradim of sobriety, but open to seeing things in many different ways.

Open hearts are so wonderful!!!!!

[lizw]

Sounds great and very similar to Al Anon/SLAA step work.

[Anna]

Originally Posted by ananda

Open hearts are so wonderful!!!!!

That is so true.

I think it was the very act of opening my heart, for the first time in years and years, that was a turning point in my recovery. My heart was open and two amazing women appeared in my life. One of those women saw 'me' when we met. We became best friends and I learned about her spiritual search. She has since died, but she is always with me. That's what an open heart can do.

[TTOSBT]

I am going to the serenity shop tomorrow and see if I can find it. Thanks!

[ananda]

found this old one...just thought i would bump it up for you to see....not too much on it

[Jomey]

Hey Ananda - I read through this and I think we would all benefit from sharing starting at Step 1. If you like, I could get some stuff from the book posted here over the next few hours and try to get a discussion started. I know you said you are working on 9 & 10, but maybe we could help each other more if we got a bit better acquainted by starting from step 1? Let me know your thoughts. Jomey

[Horselover]

Please count me in if I may join and I would love to start at the beginning. Thanks Jomey for letting me know about this.

[mtnmagic]

I'd like to join you all if that is ok.

[SerenityGirl]

I would be very interested too!!!!

[ananda]

oh yes...i do want to start at one....i have done 1-12, but not done them with this book and since i just finished the bb 12, it makes total sense to start at one.....althouhg in the future i hope people will feel free to jump in even if they are not at the step we are on yet.....

jomey...i think it is a great idea for you to work on that if you have the time to do it. I'll be sure to check in this eveneing and get out my work book

I hope though that we will stay on each step for a semi-lenghty amount of time so those who cant work on it daily can still participate...does that sound good? I guess I was thinking we should spend at least 1 week on each step.....and no...I don't have control issues....

[Jomey]

You are a scream, Ananda! Control issues?? My husband calls me the "ex-general manager of the Universe" and still from time to time threatens to remove the 'ex' from that title!!!

I will def. put somethings up this afternoon from the Step one chapter. I think a week or so sounds good so we have plenty of time to share and I know some of us are in different time zones, so our "daily" shares may not always be viewed by everybody on the day we post them.

I will need some help to keep up with posting info. from the book. The next few days I will be in the clear because at least one of the kids will be home, but after that maybe some others would be interested in helping with that part?

Glad to see so many people here already!

Jomey

[SelfSeeking]

I want in!! Yay

[HideorSeek]

Count me in too! For anyone that's interested...Lisa Najavits wrote a workbook entitled "A Woman's Addiction workbook" and I have found it fabulous as well!

[Horselover]

I am very excited and thanks again to Ananda and Jomey for starting this!!

[Jomey]

OK! Here we go...STEP ONE...going to do this in bits and pieces to see where the discussion takes us (and so I don't lose my post! LOL)

WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND THAT OUR LIVES HAD BECOME UNMANAGABLE.

From the book:

After reading this first step, you may wonder how it could possibly apply to you. Do you have a sense of how little power you have over the way you drink? Are you able to see unmanageability in your life? Have you tried to control you addiction without success?

Wow, that right there might be enough to get us started!!!!

From the workbook:

Think back over the past few weeks (days, months, years). How have you obsessed or fantasized about your addictive behaviour? Try to be as specific as possible.

For example: Halfway through the afternoon at work yesterday, I zoned out for more than half an hour thinking about...

[Jomey]

Now, here's my share on the Step One...

I don't think I ever knew how little power I had over my drinking. I always had a reason to legitimize why I drank every day. It was the stress of raising three little boys, the stress of being married to a cop, the stress of cleaning up my alcoholic brother's messes. Isn't that insane? I drank to avoid thinking about what a mess my brother was making out of his family by drinking!!!

I never saw my life as unmanagable until I got sober. I didn't have any clue anymore what I was missing by drinking. Just because I didn't have any of the classic "yets" (no loss of spouse/kids, jobs, no DUIs, etc) I thought I was on the top of my game. I didn't realize that it was all a shell that I showed to the world, that I was so broken inside that unmanagability probably isn't a big enough word to say where my life was when I was drinking.

[Jomey]

How did I obsess about my drinking? When I was an active alcoholic, I would comfort myself simply with the thought of drinking. I would be driving the kids home from school, practice, whatever, and be thinking, "Only 3 more hours till the kids go to bed and I can sit down and have a drink". I always imagined it as something elegant and socially acceptable...as it might have been if I had poured myself a small glass of red wine into a pretty goblet and sipped it over the course of an hour or two, when in reality I was slugging Jack Daniels into a plastic cup and chugging it like the drunk that I was.

That fantasy that somehow "everyone" was drinking to relax at the end of the day was one that I held for a long time.

[Jomey]

Anybody next?

[Horselover]

Jomey thank you! Thank you for this thread you and Ananda put together and thank you for it all. I really needed this. I have a ton of issues.

Regarding the unmanagability
My drinking started early in my life, 16 or maybe even before that, but I drank to be more outgoing and less shy. I continued into adult life to drink in public for that reason, but after I became a mother I found a different set of reasons to drink. I was able to perform mother like duties, but more in a robotic form and not as a real, in the moment parent. It was totally unmanageable and to say I was functional really is a lie. Husband came home and I would turn son over to his care and I would drink and isolate in our bedroom. It felt like depression and a hole I could not climb out of. It was repeated every night for several years. Definitely unmanageable!

I can identify with you saying "I didn't realize that it was all a shell that I showed the world, . . ." That was me and I couldn't find my authentic self. Still have trouble with that.

I look so forward to this and everyone else's participation. I can't even tell you.

[Horselover]

I did the daily countdown to 4 O'Clock every day. I was definitely obsessed with thoughts of drinking because I would make sure in the morning I had it in the house for that evening. It consumed me 24/7 even if I wasn't drinking 24/7.

[Jomey]

I couldn't find my authentic self

YES! Or as my kids say "Word!" Thanks for that, HL!