Sex and Power

[Digginit]

It's a bit of a conundrum, and I bet it's not infrequently encountered by women everywhere. You have a relationship with a man that is professional but in which he holds the cards...in my case I am benefitting greatly from his paid services. He's married (actually, there are two of these happening right now....ugh), and I'm not attracted to either of these men anyway. They're both making really strong advances toward me right now that are unwanted.

One I've been very upfront with about my lack of interest. The other I've only replied to his advances with comments like, "There's NOTHING more important than your family. I'm not willing to be the cause of a bad situation." I understand that I SHOULD just say, "No WAY! Not interested." But I have a hard time with that, especially when they're both providing me with some other services (professional) that I need...and they're both giving me a little extra there (which means that in a way I'm using them both by not setting a real strong boundary).

I'm not looking for answers, because the answers are very clear and my participation in the problem is also clear to me. I'm just throwing this out there for discussion, because it's kinda hard to do this right, even though I know very well what "right" is. And I bet others can relate. Yeah?

~dig

[Aysha]

I dont know..I am probably not the right person to be responding to threads like this. My whole outlook on sex and men is so distorted from my addiction it isnt even funny.
But I am going to anyway.

Sounds like to me they may feel like since they are providing you with these services. That they may want some service in return.
I may have lost my grip on true sexual meaning as it is meant to be. But I know men on this level quite well.
So my suggestion is make it clear your not interested and maybe risk getting the carpet pulled from under you. Or make it clear and hopefully I am wrong.
Either way.. Is it worth the hassle to play that game with them for your own benefit?
More trouble then its worth I think.

[lizw]

While it may appear to be about sex from the outside, I'd say it isn't. I have a tendency to get into these situations myself, from time to time. It's like you said about the boundary thing. I am getting something (I think I need) from the situation so don't want to put my foot down too hard, just incase I loose the thing I think I need.

My latest example that springs to mind has been with the guy I work for. I work on a commission basis, since it is in sales, which is fine when everything works like clock work but when he starts to bugger round, not follow up my sales (as per our arrangement) some fall over etc... So I don't get paid. But I have been hesitate to move on as the money is good, when it is good!

However more recently I decided no matter what I said to him the situation wasn't going to change, and I could either acccept it and stop getting upset over it or find another job. So I started to look for another job and I've got an interview on Tuesday, doing something that involves poor money but personally will be quite fulfilling. It's taken awhile for me to find something but even making a decision about it took a lot of the pressure off.

I suppose my expereince has been when the pain of doing something uncomfortable becomes larger than what change would bring, then I take steps to change - sort of damned if I do, damned if I don't kinda thing.

Hope tihs helps.

[kj3880]

I had something similar. I was kinda wimpy with someone that I supervise. I suppose that at first I was a bit flattered by his attentions because he was a bit younger than I am, and a bit of "a player." He got bolder and eventually, I felt insulted and dirty from some of the stuff he said. Once, he even grabbed my breast. But I had let him joke and play around so much I felt weird saying "enough is enough." I ended up asking a mutual friend of ours to tell him that he was making me feel uncomfortable. Now he's angry with me, and is nasty when I see him. He shouldn't be mad, I chose someone discrete so he wouldn't get in trouble. He got himself transferred (I'm glad). Whatever. I know it would have been stronger to say no is no to him alone. But at least I got it to stop. Good luck with this, I find it difficult to figure it out sometimes.
KJ

[bostonluv]

"I am getting something (I think I need) from the situation so don't want to put my foot down too hard, just in case I loose the thing I think I need."

Oh yeah...been there myself. At least a few times. I know it's wrong but it's just too tempting when presented by the right guy. Someone I think I can control or I think I can control the situation from getting "out of hand" and still get my needs met. Harmless enough. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. Just wanted you to know that I can relate.

[Digginit]

It would surprise me if most of us couldn't relate. I hate to say that I "enjoy" y'all's responses, but I can't think of a better word. Maybe it's a relief...to know that other women get themselves into these messes is different than hearing other women say, "Yeah, I get myself into those messes too...." Ugh. Who wants to be the only one? But even more than getting into these predicaments is the way it works...the way it comes about.

~dig