Still a newbie, afraid I'm using husband as excuse

[kevynne]

Hi, I've been around here for about three days and am still not clean or sober. I thought I was going to be okay two days ago when I decided to not smoke any pot but that lasted only one day. I don't want to blame my husband but I'm afraid that I am not only blaming him for my drinking but also because I can't stop. I feel like if there wasn't any alcohol in the house then I wouldn't drink it but maybe I'm just fooling myself. The problem is that there are always drugs and alcohol in the house because he is a heavy drinker and user. I don't know how to quit with the constant temptation. Sometimes I don't think he wants me to quit because he's always the first one to offer me a hit. Also, if I do quit and he doesn't then how do I relate to him? I'm afraid of growing apart and sometimes think it would be easier to just drink and use so that we can stay together even though I know that's not a good option. He says he's going to quit eventually and I know he has to do it on his own terms but how do I deal with things when I'm more ready than he is? I'm afraid that if I don't take steps soon then my therapist and nurse practitioner will drop me for not doing the work. I also take meds for depression and anxiety and know it's stupid to take anti-depressants and then pour depressants into my system. I don't know what to do and everyone says I should talk to him but I'm too scared that he won't understand. How did my life turn out like this? Thanks all for listening!

[SlvrMag]

Welcome to SR. Sorry you are going through this, you are not alone! I don't really know what to say because I have not been in that situation. Someone will
reply soon!

[ultimatum]

Hi Kevynne, and welcome! It's sounds like a tough situation, but also sounds like you know exactly what you need to do. Have a heart to heart with him about your concerns. Surely, if you are married, there is more to your relationship than partying, right? The longer you wait to talk, the more you will dread doing it.

[kevynne]

Thanks! Yes I know a heart to heart is coming but we haven't had a sober conversation in so long that I'm afraid we don't know how anymore. In fact the only conversations we have are when we are drunk and stoned and everyone knows they don't work out so well. Sometimes it seems as if we are more like brother and sister-except for the sexual part. He does his thing and I do mine. We love each other but have forgotten how to be partners. We have a camping trip planned next week and I will try and initiate a conversation during breakfast or lunch or while we are fishing. Without T.V. and internet we should be able to have some good quality time together, still I'm scared. I might go over some conversation topics tomorrow and see what people think. Everyone might as well know that I need a lot of reassurance.

[lizw]

Welcome to SR! Glad you are here.
Have you attended any AA/NA meetings?
I am a member of AA and found soberity there.
I also attended NA for 4 - 5 years too.

I've met a few people in my time around whose husbands/partners choose not to get sober, so it is possible to get clean and sober despite what he is doing or not doing.

Apart from being on here, what are other things you are doing for yourself to support your recovery? I know you mentioned you have a nurse and a therapist.

The great thing about SR is there are thousands of us willing to share what has worked for us.

[indigo]

Welcome to SR are you able to approach hubby and say you'd like a chat when you're sober? as you seem to talk only when drunk. Maybe he might like to talk sober and be feeling just like you..All the best indigo

[51anna]

Hi,

That does sound difficult, but if you focus on yourself and do this for yourself, I think it will work.

[beingjenagain]

Hi and welcome. I can relate! I am 4 months sober and my hubby still drinks. i am still not sure if he is an alcoholic even though he does drink alcoholically. But I have come to find that it is not my decision to make. I must just focus and care for myself and my daughter. Do you have any kids? They certainly make a huge impact on our decisions as women and moms.
I have decided that I just don't really care what he thinks about my sobriety. I think it pisses him off that I can do it and he cant. He will not make me break my promise to myself!! I am stubborn enough to just not drink some days to prove that noone can make me drink.
The first week or 2 just sucked (like a diet) but everyday it gets easier for me and every day I am stronger and so will YOU!

[arieswoman]

Kevynne - welcome and good luck with your husband. I'm single and have been for some time, so I'm not qualified to pass on any advice or tips. However, it does seem to me that a heart-to-heart with him would have to happen when he is sober and not high. He may or may not be receptive to hearing what you have to say. In either case, put yourself and your sobriety first/1 You can do it! And keep posting here. You sound like a very nice, intelligent person. Don't give up, okay?

[comfortablynumb]

You are stronger than you know...
tough love is just that...........TOUGH...
but you know what you need to do....
to blame him is just using him as an excuse to continue...
It IS scary to consider that mostly what you have in common is drinking and using...and not much more.........but there are WORSE things...
I ended a 5 yr relationship when I got sober...it was painfully obvious that what we shared was alcohol...
I still miss him but I am stronger now than I was then
I have finally learned that I am better off alone than to be with the WRONG person...that is a HUGE lesson...I am still single today...almost 3 yrs sober and YES, I miss having someone in my bed, but I am going to continue this journey and trust that my higher power is going to bring me someone....I just have to be patient.
You have to get to the point of realizing that the PAIN of staying the same is greater than the PAIN of changing...
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Good luck!!

[notdrunk]

Hi Kevynne,
I am new here too. I had my last drink Monday morning about 3 or so in the morning. My husband drinks approx 6-8 beers a nite and on the weekends way more and he also smokes weed everynite. I never had a problem with weed it was alcohol for me. My husband seems to be able to handle it and what I mean by that is he dosent turn insane and he can quit drinking and eat dinner once I start I cant stop till I black out and make a total fool of myself. Yesterday I was so stressed out and I kept thinking oh drink your cider you will feel so much better but I didnt because I remembered why I quit I dont want to be a drunken skank anymore. I will just keep remembering my reasons. I did something that was totally insane last time I drank and I totally jepordized everything I have. Im sorry your going through this its really tough I know it! But Good Luck and I hope you make it.

[kevynne]

I haven't been to any AA or NA meetings. I guess I'm just too scared still to admit that I have a problem. I also tend to have a lot of heavy anxiety around people I don't know and I'm not sure if it would hold me back or not. I know my husband and I need to talk when we are clean and sober and I think that time is coming soon because he was told that he has a fatty liver and has to quit. I think our camping trip will provide the best opportunity. Did you all know that he actually gets jealous of me when I spend too much time here? But I know I need it so he just has to get mad sometimes. Tonight I'm gonna spend a little more time with him. I don't really do anything to support myself in my recovery. I can't remember what I used to do before I drank, like hobbies or some other activity to help me relax. I've thought about taking up needlepoint as a distraction because it would keep my hands and mind busy. I know I need to go to a meeting soon and just take a deep breath when I walk in. Thanks for all the responses, encouragement and support!

[Bluberry]

To those who have continued relationships despite their signficant other's continuence of using - I ADMIRE YOU!!!!

Kevynne- I hope my story will have some kind of good effect on you.

So here's whats been up with me for the last year and a half.

I was in a 5 year relationship with the father of my child. I was drinking and using drugs. I had a breakdown pretty much (was drinking heavily and using, cheated on my baby daddy with a guy at the park, then flipped out and tried to kill myself) and ended up in the psych ward (yes, this has happened to me more than once), and "pretty much" decided that I was going to sober up.

When my baby daddy came to pick me up from the psych ward, he'd only play songs that had to do with drugs. I'd replace all the words having to do with drugs or drink with words like "Coolaide" or "cigarette". I just smiled and laughed it off. Believe me, he was the first one to offer me a hit. After about 3 days I broke. I was using and drinking again. I was too scared to really talk to him about it - tell him how serious I was. He still kept his weed around, still kept his beer in the fridge. It was just too much and I didn't want to end the relationship, or grow apart so I just started right back up again.

A month later I was arrested and put in jail after things got real bad one night of drinking. I got busted with dope. I lost custody of my child (though I still have him about every other weekend). I was forced to move in with a relative so I lost my apartment. His name was on the title of the car I primarily paid for so I lost the car. I lost everything.

I still didn't sober up. 2 months later I hooked up with my current boyfriend at a bar. Yeah, we met in a bar. But we had another thing in commen: we both had a hot date with the same outpatient rehab, forced on us by the law. We sobered up for 2 months together. Then it all went back to the same thing. Drinking and smoking pot everyday. Only differance was we weren't using hard drugs. I loved him and didn't want to end the relationship. We'd talk about sobering up when we were drunk, but never ended up following through. Things got pretty bad for me again, like I said in another post. I'd black out, do stupid things, drink from wake-up to pass-out. Some more months passed like this.

Then, on 07-30-08, just 10 days ago, I had my last drink. I admitted everything to my boyfriend over the phone. I cheated on him after hitchhiking to the city and slept in a park. I spent 6 days in the psych ward. (yes, the exact same thing happened, even got picked up by the police) Came out, sober, and both him and I have been sober since. He works as a beer runner at a race track so I don't know how he does it but he does it with me.

I guess, Kevynne, not even I can really give you much advice even after all that experience. Except: If its something you want to do, you must do something about it! Don't let all the crap that happened to me happen to you. My ex and I might not have had to break up, I don't know. But what I do know is, my current man and I are sober now and I'm happier then ever. In a lot of pain over all the things I've done, but I'm living now.

Keep coming back!

[kevynne]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me! My husband and I also talk about getting clean and sober but only when we are drunk and stoned. I try not to have conversations this way but it seems to be the only time that we talk. It's so hard to stay clean when I can smell the sweet smell of pot coming from the next room. I think he's too scared to talk sober so he has to be drunk or high otherwise I meet with too much resistance. I know that I stand to lose everything right now. My therapist told me that he's surprised that I've survived this long with all of the things that I've pulled. The fact that I never got a DUI or arrested for being a drunken public nuisance is pure luck but now I'm getting to the danger zone. I stand to lose my future career as a therapist and everything I've worked so hard to accomplish. I find that sometimes it feels easier to just drink and smoke rather than face the cold hard fact that I could lose him if I get sober. I don't really know if I value my sobriety more or my dysfunctional relationship with him. I'm so scared right now because I know what I have to do and that is to get sober, I just hope he comes along for the ride instead of rejecting me because I'm still not sure I'm strong enough to do this on my own.

[comfortablynumb]

Courage isn't the absence of fear
courage is doing what you needto do, despite your fear.
You can do this...the first step is making a resolve...that no matter what, ONE day at a time you won't USE....or drink....
One day you'll look back and only wonder why you didn't do it sooner

[SelfSeeking]

Hi, Kevynne. I just ventured into the WIR section and found this thread, and it is similar to my situation. Thankfully I've just got the alcohol to kick... haha, never thought I would think of it like that... but it's true, the one DOC is quite enough. I can't imagine trying to kick pot, too. I know they say it's not a physical addiction but obviously addictions are about a lot more than "just" physical addiction.

Anyway.

My fiance and I live together. He drinks 1-2 drinks per day, sometimes more on the weekends. I would, too. Of course 2 drinks for a 110lb woman is different than 2 drinks for a 190lb man. And then there were the nights I kept on drinking for hours after he went to bed. (I'm trying hard to keep things in the past tense here. 2 days sober.) He just went and bought beer and liquor yesterday and now here I am in the house alone with them. He's working til tomorrow night.

I am trying to figure out the conversation we need to have. I don't feel like he should have to give up a nightly drink because I can't handle having booze around. He's not the one with the problem. But god, smelling it on his breath is going to be hard, not to mention going past the beer every time I go to get some milk. How do others do it? Maybe a separate little dorm-type fridge for his alcohol?

This might require the word "alcoholic" to cross my lips. I'm trying to get comfortable typing it first. All the best to you, Kevynne. You sound so strong!

[mizztake33]

Hi Kevynne - thanks for posting. I can share with you that I have had several similar experiences like this in my journey to become sober . . . but I can't give advice. Everyone's situation is a little different.

I can tell you that when I stopped drinking, the man I was with and I did seperate. I thought this was the worst thing in my life - I really thought I loved him, even though I now know that I was so desperate for love, mostly, lacking self love, that I became a full blown codie - in this relationship and the next 5 after.

Men come and go - but you will always be who you are. If this is something that you want - it will come. Thanks for shcaring your story - it really reminds me of me.

[Bella58]

HI.

Newbie here, as well. Similar situation, no brilliant ideas. Just struggling along myself.
My live-in BF and I have been together for one year. We were both full-time alcohol abusers when we met, but we have spent some sober time together. The sober time is wonderful, far better than drinking. So I believe our relationship is based on far more than drink.
He and I both have wanted to stop drinking for months now. After several attempts, I had my last drink 2 weeks ago. I'm shocked that it has not been that difficult (I know, I won't get too confident, alcohol is sneaky). I don't want to be drunk anymore.
My BF has tried, but can only stop for one day. After a day, if he tries to abstain he becomes angry and verbally/emotionally abusive. I don't know what's worse; sober abuse or drinking.
I might be able to tolerate the drinking if it weren't on my dime (yes, I'm his enabler and no, he is not employed).
I know I should just say no the next time (tonight?) he wants money for booze. But shouldn't he be allowed to stop in his own time and in his own way? He claims everyone is different in the way they quit (I agree, cold turkey isn't for everyone). He refuses AA (I don't go either) and has no counseling support.

I guess my question is, does anyone have experience with al-anon? Is it a help in situations like mine? Are recovering alcoholics welcome at al-anon?

Thanks and prayers to all who are in this struggle.
B

[SelfSeeking]

Thought I'd share a little progress in my situation.

As I was cooking dinner tonight, my fiance got a beer out of the fridge and started to drink it in front of me in the kitchen. I got quiet- we had been chatting. He asked what was wrong, and I said "I'm trying not to drink, and it's hard for me to watch you drink." He got very defensive and said that I was acting like it was wrong for him to have a beer after work, which gave me a chance to explain that this is not about his drinking, it's about MINE. I am unable to drink in moderation. Many people are. He is. But I am not, and drinking has impacted too much of my life, and I have come to realize that I cannot drink at all. Imagine if when he was trying to quit cigarettes I left empty packs on the table, and full ones in the fridge?

I promised not to leave empties around. He's still going to drink in front of me. Part of me thinks that if it's so impossible for him to stop drinking at home, just to help me, drinking means more to him than I do.

[SelfSeeking]

Originally Posted by SelfSeeking

I promised not to leave empties around. He's still going to drink in front of me. Part of me thinks that if it's so impossible for him to stop drinking at home, just to help me, drinking means more to him than I do.

Wait, what the he11? I promised not to leave empties around? Meant to write HE promised not to leave empties around. Uh... Freudian? Disturbing.

[Bluberry]

I don't think I'd be able to stay quit or would have been able to quit at all if my BF would have kept drinking. And we don't even live together. Just hearing about someone drinking a beer is almost enough to set me off. I don't know how you all do it, staying quit with someone that isn't. I have very much admiration for you all.

[kj3880]

Hi,
I won't even try to say what you should do. But NA saved my @ss.

I'll tell you what happened with me. I was using prescription drugs as my DOC, opiates like percocet. My BF of 3 years was drinking and using opiates as well. I knew we both had problems with substance abuse/addiction. He was in denial. I started going to NA alone and he kept on drinking. I got on outpatient detox and was detoxed off the opiates with some medications. It wasn't too bad. I was really proud of myself.

He could see I was getting better, so I took him to my addictions doc (at his request) to get some meds to help him quit. He did good for 30 days or so, then started right back up, where I was determined not to use. I limited my time around him (we have our own houses) and prayed for him to get recovery. He began giving me a hard time about going to NA meetings, although I always invited him to go too.

He called them "cheatings" because he couldn't conceive of someone just going to a meeting to work on themself. He thought (probably because of where he is spiritually) that something else, like an affair, had to be going on. Eventually he told me I had to choose between meetings and him, guess which I chose? I never regretted my choice, although often I am lonely and tempted to call him. I know he would come back if I called him.

But by the time we broke up, his attitude, temper, and beer-breath made me sick. I couldn't deal with the way I could see him clearly when sober. He's really a very ill person, a very serious, long-term alcoholic. I just couldn't see how bad it had gotten while I was high.

So now I'm alone. It is lonely, but it's where I need to be. I know that together we were no good to each other. I would have started again when I got a bad day or something. There had already been a couple times he'd tried to talk me into using after I got clean.

Every now and then, I hook with another ex, who's always been sober, but that doesn't work either. It's just sex, and that never is good for me. I just need to be alone and work on my recovery this first year, I know that. I have 132 days today!

So in summary, it isn't easy, but we do recover, and it is a wonderful miracle. Hope you find your way.
KJ