No Sex For 1 Year?

[bostonluv]

I'm just curious what the mindset behind this is. If you're married or in a relationship while in recovery you can have sex with your partner but if you're single or seperated then you're suppossed to stay celibate for a year? Huh? Does this not make sense to anyone else but me? Why should one of our basic needs be denied because we're single? I'm just curious and I hope this question doesn't have a "tone" to it. Just don't understand the logic in that at all.

[ultimatum]

Hi Bostonluv,

I was wondering about this as well when I first quit. I guess my personal take is that I tend to confuse sex with love and get sidetracked from just about everything else to focus on keeping that partner happy, which takes away from me. Truth be told, sex is about the last basic need I have been the least bit interested in satisfying lately.

[CarolD]

Look in the AA book....12 Steps and 12 traditions
page 119.

I ask my sponsees to finish their formal Step work
before beginning a new relationship.
That need not take a year.
Those that do seem to have a smoother path.

If you are wanting to discuss casual sex...one night
or weekend flings ...friends with "benefits" ..swinging
all of which I did when I was a drinker

that is not anything I wanted to continue
in my new recovery life.


Remember the thread we had here on being celibate?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...elibacy-2.html (Casual Sex versus Celibacy)

[bostonluv]

I actually keep reading that people aren't interested in sex during their early recovery but unfortunately I don't feel that way at all. I feel like I need that release. Even more now that I'm not drinking. I'm not talking about casual sex with a stranger. That's not my cup of tea. And I know sex is just sex. My ex boyfriend I usually fool around even when we're on breaks and I'd really like to get something tomorrow night and I know he's game. I just don't know what it would hurt so I was looking for any logical reasons that I shouldn't. Thanks for your insight. It sounds like we just aren't suppossed to have one nighters or date new people for a year. The flings, swings and one-nighters aren't an issue for me. I don't do that.

[ultimatum]

I think if I were in a similar situation that you have with your ex, I would probably feel differently. Alas, I do not, and meeting someone new is out of the question right now.

[CarolD]

Thanks for clarifying I did not mean that you did
....but I had.

So did I have sex with past lovers in sobriety?
.....it was not what I wanted to do in my new life.
Plus they all were drinkers so the smell
would have been a turn off for me.

[bostonluv]

Carol,

Don't worry I wasn't thinking you had meant me. You don't know me. I could have been asking about that. I know there are sex addicts out there. I've dated a few. Not the worst addiction though. j/k

Actually, my question was really what the logical reason behind the soft rule is. Not just what people in recovery feel like doing. You didn't feel like it. I do feel like it. But there has to be a reason for the suggestion of being celibate a year. Thanks again!

[splendra]

I think many people are just as compulsive about sex as they are getting high or drunk. For some sex is even a trigger. Also I might add if sex was really such a need there would be a lot more dead people than there are! Not everybody is doing it that's for sure.

I think it is a good idea to abstain if you are single and in recovery just so you can have a chance to really understand your motivations and make sure you are not just being obsessive or compulsive. Wanting release for me is a sign that I am not dealing with my stuff...I think I would rather get a massage...

[lizw]

Originally Posted by ultimatum

Truth be told, sex is about the last basic need I have been the least bit interested in satisfying lately.

I've recently been told sex/a love relationship is not a need but a desire. This was HUGE news for me.

Sure as humans, we need to procreate but we don't need to have sex.

I need food and water.

I assume attending SLAA one could expect to learn this though.

[bostonluv]

There's nothing wrong with desiring things. I just looked up what SLAA is. I'm not a sex addict. Gimme a break. I wish I hadn't started this thread.

[chiynita]

I dont know..I havent had sex in over a year anyway.
But my take on it I thought was no relationships. Like getting involved.
If your shallow like me. Sry..but I will be the first to admit it.
Sex is sex and thats all it has to be.
When you start bringing your heart to bed. Thats a whole different level that I dont need right now.
Bottom line. I see nothing wrong with a safe sexual no strings attached relationship. But when feelings and stuff get going..thats where I see the problems in early recovery.

[WanChai73]

What I've heard is to abstain from relationships for a year. I haven't heard, abstain from sex for a year. The reason to abstain from relationships, is that it may go sour, you may get your heart broken, and that may trigger a relapse. Also, you may get in the wrong type of relationship when you're brand new, and then later realize, why was I with that guy? That happened to me. I realized, after a year, that I had changed and so had my standards, and then broke up with the guy who 13th stepped me. (He had 13 years, I had 1 week but thought it was OK since he had so much time, as in: he would know best.)

My first sponsor told me not to get into a relationship for at least 6 months, and she did not approve of safe sex in a non-relationship setting. She didn't forbid me from this, but she let me know that that wasn't a good idea, to have casual hook-ups. I kind of thought this was judgemental, but after I got more time, I realized, by not hooking up so quickly, I saved myself some mistakes and future embarrassments.

You are right, it is logic gap in not including marrieds in this "suggestion." But then again, the program is full of contradictions.

I don't know where this soft rule comes from. Does anyone know?? Is this from Bill Wilson? I would have a very hard time believing he abstained from sex for a year.

[splendra]

I personally have never been able to have causal sex and feel good about it.

The people that I do know who do have causal sex seem to have self esteem issues and for them sex seems to make them feel validated.

I know when I was of an age when I was ovulating I felt more like having sex. As I grew older I began to appreciate the energy of my sexuality. I realize now that this energy if kept contained within my body helps me in so many ways. It keeps me feeling young and healthy and looking good too. It gives me the energy I need to get thru my day. This sexual energy of mine is my life force and I want to be very considerate of how I use this energy. I want it to stay with me all of my years.

I think many ancient texts or holy scriptures beseech us to be chaste but the reasons behind it have been lost to us and have been replaced with guilty sayings. The real reason to be modest and chaste is because this energy is precious and a part of our life force and when we use it for "release" we are actually wasting or throwing away our precious vital energy.

When we want to release this energy it indicates a block with in our self our energy is not flowing thru us and reviving us so we want to get rid of it. It is so worth it to work to let our vital, precious sexual energy push thru the blocks so we can actually heal our selves rather than throwing it away and allowing disease to enter. When we are healed when we do have sex our energy will flow and we will have sex for reasons that are totally beneficial to both ourself and our partners

It is my belief that throwing away this energy or using it wrongly causes many cancers in the female organs.

[Latte]

Boston, it's a touchy subject. When you ask questions you have to be prepared to get answers you may not like.

You take what you can use and leave the rest.

The things being said here are just suggestions.

When you introduce topics you are not only getting answers for yourself but for others too. Keep that in mind. You are helping others too. Keep asking please, it is a wonderful thing.

Keep coming back. I enjoy this topic because it is so full of controversy. Different opinions and different views including the ones from AA are very interesting to me.

[ForeverDecember]

A year without sex? I go a couple weeks and wonder what's going on lol

I know when women and men have sex there is a hormone that gets released in a women's body that makes you fall in love (Oxytocin). So that might be why? I can undestand not starting a relationship - they are tricky and you could get used or hurt and they say not to make any big changes in your life when in recovery, so maybe they worry that the sex will turn into a relationship or love?

I have no opinion on the matter - I think it would depend on you and what you honestly want/need - but the only logical thing I can think of is that sex often leads to relationships or pain.

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Boston,
1 year is not a hard and fast rule. It is suggested not to make any major life changes:partner/no partner/new job/new place to live etc in the first year. Cause usually we aren't thinking too clearly during that time.

As for sex and your situation, I would talk with my sponsor. Having sex with your ex boyfriend is still a casual situation, and I do believe that you will find yourself delving into the reasons later on in your step work.

Karen

[ananda]

ah...my favorite topic!

Well I was celebit for 15 years prior to this sobriety (7 drunk, 7 sober). For me, I cannot seperate love from sex. They go together for me.

I just got one year and recently, and I never had the opportunity to have sex that year, so it wasn't an issue.

I believe this whole thing comes from no major changes in early sobriety and has sorta developed from there. Not a hard and fast rule in my opintion..just means be careful.

I would have had sex if the man I liked had been interested.

I'de write more but i'm late to work!

later

[Thinkingabit]

Boston,

That no sex for a year thing is recovery mumbo jumbo from treatment centers who have what as a success rate? Nuff said.

AA in the big book (do not have one handy) says something about them (authors(Bill W)) not being the arbiter of anyone's sex life. If you want to do that, go for it. No one can tell you (an adult) that you cannot do what you would like. This whole process is about choices and learning to do things that help and make you feel good. I encourage finding peace within, but I was NOT sex free in my first year and I am years in and good now...

As for being a sex addcit? LOL Now that is a good one! Bill Wilson had many mistresses and continued to cheat on Lois throughout his life. If anyone aa tells you to not get it on, tell them you are working Bill Wilson's program! LOL

Holy cats the drama!

Your best thinking got you to think you needed to change. Then all of a sudden you are told not to think and that you are not capable... WTF??? LOL that is the best part of addictions counseling... That is something to ponder, eh? The illogical process could have something to do with the success rates!

T

[Rowan]

I needed to read this.

I ended a relationship not so long ago, and decided to try something different. I decided to consummate a friendship with a man I have known for several months. He is also in recovery. I thought I could handle the whole friends with benefits thing, but it has left me feeling yucky. I'm not emotionally connected to him nor do I wish to.

Lust/love have always been confusing for me. I'm going to do a moral inventory for the first time (sex conduct) with my sponsor in the coming months and look forward to really looking at my motivations and character defects in this area.

I was in the shower this morning and gave myself a hug - because my body, my self, deserve to be treated with love and respect, and I can't expect anyone else to right now. I want a healthy and nurturing relationship one day, but I'm not incomplete without one. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be human, to make mistakes, to learn and to grow in recovery.

I think this is a really good thread.

[kj3880]

Here's my opinion:
I have never known a woman who could handle "casual sex." Women that I know, when we open our legs, our hearts open too. And then we can get hurt if his/her heart isn't open to us.
There may be some women out there who can do it without any feelings at all of wanting more afterwards, but it's certainly not any woman I've ever talked to about it.

I used to say I just wanted sex, but it wasn't true afterwards. I would get all these feelings from the hormones and closeness that sex produced, and I'd be thinking "when's he gonna call again?" Then if he didn't, my self-esteem would take a dive. Which can be risky in early recovery (at least the first year is early).

And I am learning in recovery to be more spiritual. To think of my precious self as not just a tool to give physical pleasure to me or to men, but as more. I'm learning that if I get into sex, I'm going to want it to be as a way to share feelings of love in a physical context. Sex, from what I'm learning in my new closer relationship with my higher power, can be so much more than "getting off." And I never want to use someone elses person as a way to get me off, either.

It can be a way to physically connect in a mutually supportive, exclusive, love relationship. I'm learning to love myself too much to settle for anything less than that. So if I don't find that special someone to let into my heart, I'm not going to let just anybody get into my body either. Not even a dear friend. To me, spiritually, it's going to be about love, or nothing will happen. At least, that is what I plan. As long as I stay sober, I know I'll stick to it. Just my opinion.

One thing that I'd like to point out: If it bothers you to hear anothers' opinion, then probably that is something that is hitting home for you, a sore point that means you need to rethink this.

Love and best wishes for your continued recovery and spiritual journey:
From KJ

[bostonluv]

Sorry I got irritated. It just sounds like some of you have issues with sex that I just don't have. I used to in my twenties but sex isn't this complicated thing for me anymore. For me it's safe, connective, loving and I don't feel drained of my life energy. I feel really satisfied, peaceful and invigorated afterwards. All positive things. So sorry I was cranky last night. Getting labeled with someone elses issues ticked me off. I've got enough of my own in different departments. It was interesting to see everyones viewpoints though. I couldn't agree with Thinkingabit's comments more. I'm a thinker also. I can't just be told not to do something without a logical reason behind it. And I've never enjoyed being put into a little one size fits all box. If other people are getting something out of this thread then I'm glad I started it. I think I'll go focus back on not drinking for today!

[Rowan]

Originally Posted by kj3880

And I am learning in recovery to be more spiritual. To think of my precious self as not just a tool to give physical pleasure to me or to men, but as more.

Very well said. Thank you, KJ.

[freya]

First off, it is my understanding that the "suggestion" is "no relationships" for 1 year, not "no sex." Furthermore, I believe that the reason for this suggestion is that, because it is in the context of emotionally intimate relationship that our most core issues/woundings are likely to be triggered, it is best we not go there until we have worked through the Steps at least once and have some grasp of and practice using the basic tools of recovery.

Now, as far as I can tell, whether or not "no relationships" translates into "no sex" is going to depend pretty much on the individual and whether or not she/he can handle casual sex/friends with benefits/whatever you want to call it.

And actually, I happen to have been a female all my life and a woman for over 60% of it at this point, and I have enjoyed casual sex on many occasions when I have not been in a committed relationship.....Since I have also been a queer femme most of my adult life, I have also known other women who enjoy and are quite comfortable with the same. Now, I will certainly admit that this is not the case for many, many women who have been socialized in our sex-negative, misogynistic, shame-nurturing culture...but, really, only a given woman is in the position to determine what she is comfortable with and what will work for her.

As far as sex being a "need" or a "want" goes, I have to say that, in my experience, nature is really not in the habit of leaving things as vital as the survival of a species up to chance. Of course, this doesn't mean that, as rational beings, we don't have the power to choose when and how we engage sexually, and it certainly doesn't mean that sex cannot become an addiction. For heaven's sake, food, which, last time I checked was pretty vital to the survival of even individuals, can become and addiction. But that doesn't mean every time we choose to or want to eat we are engaging in addictive behavior, and I seriously doubt that anyone here is going to encourage anyone else to give up food because it poses an addictive risk!!!!

Also, none of this means that there might not also be lots of good reasons why any given individual might decide on a period of celibacy. In fact, the one that springs most quickly to mind is to get a chance to work-through one's true feelings about sex and its relationship to love, and its proper, healthy place in one's life and where and how one's feelings/attitudes about all of this come from, and what, if anything, one needs to work on in relation to all of that...and, really, none of any of this is anything that anyone but the given individual can figure out for herself.

F