My Story, I'm brand new here

[MN1212]

Hi Everyone

I am in serious need of help and figured this would be a place of support because I can't keep supressing this or putting it on those I love because in order to stop drinking and recover from what happened to me and what i've been doing to myself, I need a place like this and people who can relate. So here it goes and thanks to anyone who listens, i'm scared\happy to be here

Each time I have the courage to tell my story I feel stronger because I was in denial for so long. Thank you to anyone who listens

Two years ago I was molested by my cousin. I drank too much and was confused because he's family. I knew it was wrong but I didn't say no because I was scared. He grew up in a dysfunctional family and is a sex addict so I told myself he couldn't help it. I went back a few months later hoping it wouldn't happen but I was scared to say no since I didn't before, I told him it was okay even though it wasn't. I was scared to make him angry, scared he might tell, and so utterly confused. He is married with a baby and the home is so unhealthy for the child I kept going back because no one else is kind or loving to his baby. I drank again because I knew what he was going to do to me, knew I did not have the strength to say no and because I didn't want to feel. The abuse continued over the span of a few months but finally stopped when he got a girlfriend(in addition to his wife). I was so ashamed and embarrased. I coped by drinking and drinking a lot. One night while having a party at my apartment, I drank too much and flirted with this guy Mark. He was a friend of a friend, he got too drunk to drive home so my roommate let him stay over. When I was asleep he raped me, I only knew this because I woke up without my pants on and when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding. I only remember hurting really badly briefly in the night. He not only raped me but stole my virginity.

I dealt with it by continuing to drink and that led me to hooking up with people I didn't want to, I wanted so badly to forget and to be "normal". I finally quit drinking a month before my surgery(I lost over a 100 pounds a few years ago and had plastic surgery this summer). Even with the new body I feel broken, I haven't been able to have sex since, I've tried and it's always gone very badly and been traumatic and I've had to be drunk to even do it and I crave unhealthy attention from men and those around me. I don't always tell the truth about things because I want them to be true but now I have no idea who i am anymore and have to rebuild my total identity because everything has changed

I've been really okay at some times but then I keep relapsing over and over, it's getting to the point where I am drinking much that I'm afraid to go to the doctor because I'm worried that I've damaged my body already beyond repair and i'm only 22. I don't how to get through this or what to do but I know how I have been acting during the bad times is NOT the person I am. I have so many good things in my life and *more than anything i want them to matter more than my guilt, shame, and abusive behavior to myself. I have a lot to overcome and deal with but I can't run away and keep trying to come back, or this will kill me and and i can't do it anymore. Sorry to go on for so long but I had to get it all out. Thanks

[51anna]

Hi and Welcome,

I'm sorry for what has happened to you.

To me, it seems like it would be a really good idea to get some counselling for yourself. I think there are many issues you need to work through. Be patient and kind to yourself and believe that, in time, you can become a strong, healthy woman.

[Toomutch]

Welcome
I agree with Anna - you have been through to much to handle on your own. Find a counselor to talk with and be very honest with her.

Please keep posting here at SR.

[CarolD]

Welcome!

Just as you needed help with the weight loss
Congratulations on that sucess...Hug
you also need help sorting thru these bad experiences.

Glad you are sharing here with us.

[indigo]

Welcome this is not your fault, neither are you to blame for any of it, you've been manipulated, a good counselor is a really good idea.

[ananda]

Hi,

Just so you know there are people in recovery with a similar history. I was a victim of incest which continued on in to my 20s. I was also raped 3 times by the age of 17 and sexually abused a number of times.

I came to recovery the first time at 28 and after a couple of years of being sober began to work with counciling and other support to begin healing from these things.

By 33 My life had changed so much it was unbelievable and in a good way. Today I am 49 and although the events of the past certainly still come up for me in my attitudes and feelings today, it really isn't anything like it was. And I love my life today.

Please seek a GOOD councelor and the support of others as you move forward into sobriety and recovery from you past! Post again and again and again.

[endzoner]

ooh MN1212 , how much we have in commen , this is the first time ive posted my story on this same ordeal , from the time i was in my teens when my mom remarried i was a victum of sexual abuse , got married at 17 just to escape the abuse from ym step dad. only to return off on on thu divorce and evitcions due to my drinkin and drugs etc , i think i was in my early 30s when i finally met someone who i thought was " it " and married and all that happy shI*. My family made a move to another state and for some strange reason i dont know now followed some time after , shortly after finding a home to live in our home caught firs and we were forced to live with my mom and step monster " as i like to call him " . My EAH is a alki and would be out all nite and leaving me in the house alone , he never knew of the abuse i didnt speak of it to no one. and yet again he tried his ways , but failed . some time after that we found a home to live in , we had a big dog then but while we were moving my dog ( pit bull ) stayed at my brothes till we could get all things settled in the home . had he been there that nite this i beleive never would of occured . anyways .. my exah and i went to the bar after a hard nite of loading boxes and such. I had to much to drink and needed to go home , the bed was at our new place and no dog , but thats where he took me and left me there to return to the bar , I hit the bed like a ton of dead weights and out i was , Only to wake up with my pants to the floor and the sound of a truck leaving my driveway . I looked out the window and it was the step monster... I dont know where i found the courage that nite after all the times i had be sexaully raped . but I did .. I first called the police and ( we lived in a small town ) and then i made the hardest call of all .. that was to my mom who at the early ages of my life had told her this was going on and didnt beleive me . And asked her where her husband was . she replyed hes pulling into the drive way right now , asked why .. I told her he just raped me while i was sleeping ... just then he walked in the door and while i was on the phone with her asked him what the **** was he into or doing and if he had indeed been over my house , he admitted he was and proceeded to the basement where there room was . and sat in the recliner and popped of a 45 mm into his head . shame gilt you name it ive felt it in my life time and to this day still have issues with letting it go and giving it up to my HP . would of should of could of .. could i have prevented this from happening. life i said if my dog was there it never would of occured he hated him and wouldnt left him into any home we lived in . dogs know things ! I went to theropy it sadly enuff really didnt help . the counciler wasnt equiped to handle something like this and all i got was " and how did this make you feel " well duh lady how the he&& do you think it made me feel .. I continued to drink and use for many yrs after that .. but now im almost 5 yrs sober and soon to be married , tho you said something that made sence to me and never quiet put my finger on it till now , I love the man im with and wish to show him more then i do now ( meaning behind closed doors ) and not always feeling all that intimate . I guess it goes back to that terrible time in my life that i have yet to let go of . I wanna fogive i wanna foget i just cant . i thought in time but whens that time gonna arrive ? Its not my fault just like its not your fault i know this!!! but its not something so easy to understand unless youve been thu what you and i and so many others have been thu.. your story made me gasp and say my god that that poor woman shes so much like me ! I can say that being drunk didnt make matters any better just made it worse , and I live my day to day life .. months can go by w/o thinkin bout that last day he was on this earth and how mad i was at his cowardly way of takin the easy way out . But im not gonna let him inflict anymore pain in my life by drinkin he consummed to much of my life as it was .. if theres ever a time and you wish to chat bout all this with me PLEASE dont hesitate , like soberity sharing is the key to wellness , and ive learned soemthing form you like i said already .. sorry for being so long winded on this and i pray you find peace and serenity .. Endzoner

[grantstrength1]

You have come to the right place. I have some very similar experiences and I know how they make you want to crawl under a rock some where. I am so srry to hear all that u have been through. Counseling is a good idea, I have just started going myself. Coming here and aharing helps me a lot too. Your story hit so close to home for me I feel like I know you. Keep coming here, believe me it helps.

[TTOSBT]

Welcome!
I am so sorry for all the pain you have endured. And yes, I can see why you keep relapsing. Keep coming back and find a therapist. It is time to dump the baggage.

[kj3880]

Welcome to SR!!! I know you will find a lot of new friends and partners in recovery here. I encourage you to post on this forum, and to also branch out to a general forum, such as "alcoholics" when you feel ready. It can be very healing to talk with the men here because in my experience the men here give support and caring just as the women do, without (at least as far as I've seen here) any type of ugly motives. It can be nice to talk to men on this level, and it can help you to see that not all guys are like the ones that hurt you.

I'm so sorry you've had so much pain in your young life. The good news is that it has brought you to the recovery community at an early age. I had to wait until I was in my 40's to find out what I needed to do to feel better about me (recover by working a 12-step program). You, on the other hand, can start now, and look forward to a lifetime of healthier relationships as a result.

I'm glad you've found us. Welcome home to SR!
KJ

[Sugah]

You can heal from this. As a result of abuse, I had some very strange and sometimes twisted ideas about sex, and intimacy (sexual or otherwise) was nearly impossible in a sincere sense until I got sober and stayed sober.

I urge you to seek rape counseling. Check the yellow or blue pages of your phone book and make some calls. I will also tell you from my own experience that no amount of counseling helped me until I stopped drinking. Drinking not only stopped numbing the pain, in the end, it amplified it. Please - don't pick up a drink and seek help. The pain may become worse before it gets better, but I promise you, if you really want to heal, it will get better.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Fluttering]

Welcome top Sr

They say if you stick around long enough one wll hear their own story... have found tha to betrue...and in haring your story one noton ly fins they are not alone but one also gets to hear HOPE..Hope for a better tomartrow..Hope for healing..Hope for all the good things life has to offer..And those things are here..
So glad you found us ...Thank You for sharing your stories..
I look forward to watching the healing take place..
Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves

[kevynne]

Hi, I'm new to this site as of yesterday and am not sure if I am in the right place. Thought I'd at least try to post something for the first time. Despite that my username is Kevynne; I really am a 37 year old female; it's just that all the names I picked were already taken. I am not sober yet but know that it's coming and thought this would be a good place to start. I'm really scared and I have a lot of trust issues because of past emotional and sexual abuse so I thought an on-line community might be safer for me right now. I have a drinking and drug problem plus I'm clinically depressed and suffer from pretty bad anxiety-social and other. My husband is a heavier drinker than I am and has been told that he has a fatty liver. He knows that he needs to stop but isn't ready yet. My therapist thinks I should stop first to set a good example for him but how can I stop when there are drugs and alcohol in the house? Anyone have any advice? Also, If I'm the wrong place, can someone tell me where to go?
Thanks!

[arieswoman]

Welcome, Kevynne! You've come to the right place. I hope you'll keep posting. You can always introduce yourself in the section for Newcomers. Or just start your own thread. You'll find a lot of help and support here. I myself have over 3 years of sobriety, and I also suffer from anxiety, especially social anxiety. I'm glad you're here, and hope to hear more from you!

Laurie

[kevynne]

I still haven't quite figured out how to maneuver through this site. Should I start my own thread or does it matter? And how do I do that? Do I just write my story and how I feel and wait for responses? I'm not sure if there are rules for that or not. Also is it okay to respond to a number of different threads or do you have to stick with one thread/board?
Thanks,
Kevynne Anne

[bostonluv]

Originally Posted by kevynne

I still haven't quite figured out how to maneuver through this site. Should I start my own thread or does it matter? And how do I do that? Do I just write my story and how I feel and wait for responses? I'm not sure if there are rules for that or not. Also is it okay to respond to a number of different threads or do you have to stick with one thread/board?
Thanks,
Kevynne Anne

Just go to the forum of your choice (women's, alcoholism, newcomers, etc.) Click "start new thread" at the top, your subject line and whatever you feel like asking or just talking about. You can go to any thread except the men's and reply and post as much as you'd like. There are no rules except basic manners. Looking forward to reading your post.

[kevynne]

Thanks for the response Boston! I just wanted to make sure I was doing things right. It's so nice to be in a community that covers all of the issues that I have. I now don't feel so alone.
Kevynne