dont know how to firgive

[wakowife]

i'm new to this board but some of you know me from some of the other boards, i'm really having a hard time this week-end trying to find forgiveness in myself, everytime i think i can forgive something just joggs my memory and i go on hateing him for everything he ever did to me. i'm taking about my father, and a very y oundg child he molested me for several years, i never told anyone about this until i started dateing my husband then my mothers reaction totally blew me out of the water, it deffinately wasn't what i expected. after he left my mom my dad and i didnt speak for severall years, he had moved to arizona and so there was no reason to have any contact with him at all. my son was in 2nd grade and my daughter must have been about 3 when he decided that he was coming to new york for a visit and he would like to meet his "grandchildren" well i had a real hard time with all of this especailly because i had been lying to my kids since they were born i had told them that there grandfather was dead. after going thru all of this stuff with my kids and my own emotilons about the whole thing the jerk never showed up, then 2 years alter my brother john conveninced me to let my dad see the kids since he was coming up for christmas, once again against my better judgement i gave in, this time he actually showed up, we were all sitting around my kitchen table having coffee when my daughter comes in wearing a short dress so that her ruffled undier would show ( she was only about 4) and says there is no place for her to sit, my dad says " come here and sit on my lap" i totally freaked, jumped off the chair swept up my daughter in one arm and told her to sit on my chair. both my husband and my brother looked at me as though i was crazy. anyway my brother passed away 4 1/2 years agao and i had to be the one to call my dad and tell him, him and his wife flew up and stayed with his s tepmother. we kept in touch since then, but i have never fully forgiven him for what he has done to me, and now i get a phone call from his wife and she tells me that my dad is really bad and they dont know if he's going to make it another 6 months. i just lost my mom this past feb and i have lots of guilt over that. i dont want to talk to my dad but on the other had if he does die i will probably regret not saying anything to him at all. i'm just really confused and i dont know what to do any more?????
Bernadette

[SkyIsFalling42]

Wakowife
I commend you for protecting your daughter from any possibility of being hurt the way you were. Sometimes, foregiveness is hard to come by, and it surely takes time. It also takes alot of self discipline on our parts. Could you write you dad a letter? Tell him how you feel about the past, tell him you love him anyway, if that is the case, tell him how his actions affected your life, and in turn affected the lives of your children. Tell him every single feelilng you feel, no matter how small. Do not attack him personally, call him names, etc..just tell him the results of his actions..tell him he commited a very horrible crime against humanity, and should have been held accountable for it.
I sent such a letter to my dad..I never got a response, but the release of all my emotions was great!!! I finally told him, let him know i no longer blame myself fof being born. He had no right to touch me that way, none.
My mother i have never had to send a letter to, and this is a very wonderful difference. Even if she cries, she wants to talk to me about the things she did to us when we were little..this is such a good healing process for us who are allowed it. She has 2 rules..we never say good or bad, and there is never any anger when we talk. Who knows..maybe your dad will admit to things, and be willing to discuss with you..
There is a post on the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder board on coping with guilt..Morning Glory posted it and it is VERY helpful..,maybe you could go check it out??

[Paulie]

Bernadette -

I agree with everything that Sky said. I am big on wiritng our feelings out, I learned the importance of letting go and putting things on paper in rehab, it really takes the power out of them. You don't even have to send the letter to your dad if you don't want. My SO wrote a letter to his dad in rehab and never sent it cause his dad could not even read in english, but the release of putting the pen to paper helped tremendously.

About forgivness, this is just my opinion. Sometimes it has to start with us. We have to forgive ourselves first. Now in some cases we did NOTHING wrong, like in yours. You were a vicitm, and even worse you were a victim by one of the people you were supposed to be able to trust more than anyone else, a parent. But we feel guilt even when we are victims (I did about being molested), we feel we did something wrong. We feel that we should have made it stop somehow. Maybe you feel this way, maybe you dont', maybe you don't even realize that you feel this way. but once we forgive our selves and really believe in our hearts that it was not our fault, we did nothing to provoke it and we could not stop it, then maybe, just maybe we can forgive the other person. That is how it worked with me.

I wish you the best. And as hard as it may be, if you believe in prayer...pray for your dad, that is the best release of resentment there is...to pray for the person.

[wakowife]

thanks everyone, i did try writeing him a letter a few years ago and i didn't send it, it wuldn't have mattered anyway he cant read, then about a 1 1/2 years ago, i was going thru a really hard time andi decided to send him an e-mail about what i felt and how i felt about what he did to me as a child ( i had also heard that his step daughter was living there with her young daughter) so i let everything out, and i knew that h is wife would have to be the one to read the e-mail to him, as of today neither one of them ever acknowledged getting that e-mail but at least i finally had the guts to tell him how i felt. now i guess it's just a lot of hurt, i dont even think i'm angry anymore, i was willing to let him be part of my life again and the lives of my children and he makes promises that he apparently has no intention of ever keeping. i guess i'm also mad at myself for believeing that he would ever change