Clarity

[Sarah2003]

Hi! I'm searching for some clarification and understanding on a recovery phrase~~~fake it 'til you make it.

I just read it on a post today. I've read it, heard it, and thought I understood it before, but have not been confused by it until now.

I think that *fake it 'til you make it* is what has put me where I am today. I don't mean that in a positive way. I've spent half of my entire life faking it. AH and I have been together for 22 years and married for 20. I sought help and support from Al-Anon very early in our marriage~~~after one year. I read Co-Dependent No More after it was first published. I adopted the Al-Anon philosophy and incorporated it into my daily life. Some days~~weeks, months, years~~better than others. I wan't perfect, but I began to detach from his drinking early in our marriage.

Basically, I would *fake it 'til I make it*. I faked it~~~our lives, my feelings, to myself and to the outside world~~~to family, friends, co-workers and the world. I faked it so often and for so long, that I began to believe what I was actually pretending. I stuffed feelings, thoughts, events and chose to forget, or tolerate, or ignore the painful consequences of his drinking.

I thought I was protecting my children by sheltered by faking it~~sheltering them from the truth. I was wrong. They had seen, experienced some odd behaviors and situations in the past, but the truth of his alcoholism came to light during a very traumatic event.

After years of faking it~~~pretending that all is well~~~I hit bottom, and some days feel as though I'm still there. I'm re-living painful incidents that I had denied, stuffed, tolerated.

I've managed to create a facade of the American Dream and it worked well for many, many years. Then a couple of incidents occured about six months ago when I could no longer pretend. My mind, my heart, my spirit would not let me deceive myself any longer. I hit a wall and woke up. I reached a level of pain from the years of sporadic turmoil and crisis that could no longer tolerate denying, or faking it. I faked it 'til I made it for nearly two decades, and the realization of the harm that it caused is now crystal clear.

Would I tell my daughter to *fake it 'til you make it*? Absolutely not.

My intention is not to offend anyone~~~this is a huge realization for me. If anyone has any feedback or clarification, I'm listening. I trust you and I value your thoughts and opinions.

Much love,

S

[Sarah2003]

Pauline or Smoke,

I meant to post this in Al-Anon. Do I need to re-post this or will you move it?

Thanks!

S

[SkyIsFalling42]

Sarah
You are not alone in this at all. I have not lived with a A spouse, but later have lived with a A daughter. But the things I have went through are the same as you describe. I would strongly suggest that you look around on the PTSD board some..there is alot of helpful info there.
Im sorry, I have no real knowlege on the fake it til you make it saying. But I would think that it would mean somthing a little different?? Kind of a way of saying dont worry about how to act, etc...just stay clean!! Im just not sure??
But I am sure about the devastating reality of living through trauma 2 times..because you never reallly allowed yourself to live through it the first time. I know that it is a shock to your intire system.
For me, it started with a panic attack at work this past Feb. 20..I will never foreget that date. I fell apart emotionally..it was as though there was a thunderstorm inside my head, the strong wind tossing the debris of my whole life around randomly, causing it to slap me all over. I had terrible dreams and was unable to sleep. My bf kissed me the forehead, where I have a scar from childhood-it actually ached and hurt as if it had just happened. It took some time to realize what was happening to me..and when the psychiatrist explained it to me..I sat down at this computer and started writing. I didnt stop until it was all out of my head..it was hard for me to do..but necessary. Facing these things is a horrendous undertaking, and very emotional.
I realized that somehow I had kind of created a little storage box in secret, and that is where I had been keeping the truth at. Well I mentally destroyed that sucker..and no more boxes for me!! I am 42 years old and have lived through some human atrocities..but thats the point, I have came through.
Sarah..please take a look around on the PTSD board..Morning Glory is a wonderful source of information there.
Sorry I wrote a book, your post just touched me deeply.

[Sarah2003]

Thanks for the reply, Sky. I appreciate your support. I did re-post this on Guy's forum~~~hoping to gain some insight as to its meaning.

I hope I wasn't perceived as expressing self-pity or negatively. I was not feeling either of those when I wrote.

I can see how the term fake it 'til you make it does apply in certain situations. Several years ago, I evolved into a role at work that required public speaking engagements. At the time, I elt very uncomfortable getting up in front of others, grab their attention~~and keep it~~for any length of time. In the beginning, I would do the positive affirmation thing and tell myself what a terrific speaker I am, and have stories, jokes that would allow me to get my audience engaged. (I lied to myself)The more I did it, the more confident I felt, the better I got. I started doing more and more and eventually worked my way into doing radio commercials, television PSA's, touring politicians and dignitaries for my employer.....I switched careers about eight years ago, but those skills have followed me. In the early years, I did fake it~~~I faked my comfort level, I pretended to be at ease in front of the audience~~~didn't matter if it were 3 or 300.

Phew...I'm sorry for the long post. I promise to buy a notebook tomorrow and write in it instead. I guess I do see how faking it can be positive in certain situations, but in recovery? I dunno.

Thanks for listening....

S

[SkyIsFalling42]

Sarah
I seen no self pity or negativity in your post. Part of the beauty of having this family on the boards is that there is really no right or wrong etc..everyone is allowed to have their feelings here.
Public speaking has always almost killed me!!! Oh I hate it!!!! I feel like I will swallow my own tongue:p You have my admiration!!
I hope that you keep posting..and let me know what you find out about the faking it thing..im kinda curious now!!
Your post was not long..it was just right!!
I hope that you give the writing a try..it helped me so very much..its not for everyone though.

[Paulie]

Sarah -

This is a great subject. I don't know if there is a right or wrong here, it is all in perception, in my opinion.

I understand your point about how you faked it in your life for years. I look at the phrase, fake it til you make it a little different.

When I got sober I had not idea how to be sober. The normal fuctions of taking care of a house, car, paying bills, responsiblities, etc. etc. were not 'normal' to me. Not spending most of my day looking for drugs or doing drugs was not normal for me. I was told early on...to fake it til I made it...to me meaning, do what others were doing that were sober, pretend like I knew what I was doing, and it would come to me. Act like a sober person and soon I would think like a sober person and feel like a sober person. Does that make sense. I am not good at explaining things.

I think in your situation the fake it statment is completely different. You pretened to be someone you were not, someone who was in a happy marriage, and from your post you were not. I have never understood the fake it phrase to mean stuff your feelings or pretend that you are happy in a relationship if you are not. I hope this makes sense.

In my opinion, your situation is completely different. I don't know if you heard that phrase in alanon or here at SR, but to me it does not mean fake being who you are or being happy. It means in sobriety, if you act sober and think you are sober, than you are sober, does that makes sense or did I make it worse??

(((Sarah))) you are a brave admirable women!

[myles1]

Hi Sarah,

For me "fake it til I make it" means when I'm trying to change a negative behaviour into a positive one and I have no idea really what the positive one is I try to figure out what a positive action would be and basically "fake it til I make it' do it until it becomes second nature.

Ngaire

[Sarah2003]

Sky~~~you crack me up! Most people hate getting up and speaking to a group of people....large or small. I was one of them. Then I got hooked. Three words helped me overcome it~~preparation, practice and passion. Since changing my career, I don't do the larger, fun engagements~~~just client presentations in conference rooms with men in dark suits, but I still get the sudden, overpowering urge to pee just before I kick it off!

Pauline and Ngaire~~~I get it! Thanks for sharing. I had heard the phase before and never thought anything of it, really. Then I read it recently on an Al-Anon post and began to grumble to myself about it.....thinking yep, that is exactly what has messed me up! And I do believe that. Not that I was intentionally saying the 'fake it til I make it' phrase, but I did an excellent job of creating the 'perfect' life for everyone else but me by lying to myself and denying the pain I was feeling. I really believe that my actions also interfered with AH's process of hitting bottom before he actually did. I enabled the madness to continue.

Ok....I'm done analyzing~~~well, on this one anyway. Thanks again for your insight and support. I'm grateful.

Take care and enjoy the day!

S