Anger

[arieswoman]

I never learned how to deal with anger growing up - how to feel it, or to express it. In my family, it was all suppressed or squelched and definately not okay. Plus, "good girls" and "good Christians" didn't get angry, they were nice, polite, long-suffering, forgiving, tolerant, pleasant, etc. etc. etc.

So now I'm over 3 years sober and still learning how to deal with my emotions. The old messages linger. Like, i still feel it's somehow "not okay" to be angry - that if I was working the steps properly and seeing "my part" in situations, being properly forgiving, etc. I wouldn't feel this way. Plus, what the Big Book says about justified anger being the dubious priveledge of normal drinkers, or whatever. That anger will lead you back to the bottle. Fear that because i feel angry, I'm a "dry drunk".

Well, right now I am not only angry, I AM PISSED OFF!!! For many reasons, not the least of which I was unjustly fired from my job this week.

How can I productively and healthfully deal with these emotions???

[CarolD]

Wow! Being fired is sooo upsetting
especially when undeserved....

I'd be filing for unemployment benefits.
Plus Food Stamps.

I've found jobs thru networking with fellow AA members.

Prayer helps me immensley in all situations.
Also...read Freedom From Bondage in our BB.

Blessings as you continue to recover.

[kelsh]

Hi,

I have had simular problems with anger much of my life until I finally quit drinking and got help for my depression. I have heard many people say that anger is depression turned inward...where I tend to keep my feelings covered up.

I am older now and find myself thinking about my life and how I did live it in good and bad times. I always seemed to make it through family problems but just ignored myself when it came to me needing some help from someone.

I have learned through the years of counseling and AA Meetings that I need to take care of myself first and then I will be able to help others without resentments. This still is hard sometimes but I take a look at myself and see that I can be doing something just "for me" but really am being selfish about it. I know it is just little irritations but I get tired of hearing my voice sounding angry.

I quit my last job five years before I was going to retire due to a Supervisor that made my work place and office a hostile place to be. My doc finally told me that if I didn't quit I would be looking at a long term hospitalization for my depression....but that didn't make it any easier...it was better to quit than become unmanageable myself and lower myself to his tactics.

I have never been fired from a job but I am sure it feels just as bad if not worse than I felt when I gave up and quit. I was 60 years old then and spent almost a whole year in a depression that I couldn't work myself out of.

Finally I got better, I sued the county and the place of work and got a very nice settlement and felt that no other women in my work place would have to go through what I did....one more employee did though and then this man got fired.

Living with alcoholism is hard but rewarding when we can see that we are getting better. The dry drunks do come and I have seen some that never seem to get beyond that life style.

My happiness comes from within and from others...I wish you all the best & hope you can find an answer soon. I do a lot of self-talk, meditation, and use the Serenity Prayer to help keep me on track daily.

Good Luck, :ghug2

[BUTTERFLY-7]

as I read U'r thread I could relate 2 so many things
U spoke about, when it comes 2 Anger, I also don't know
how 2 express my Anger, I also was tough to be seen, and
not be Heard,

I'm Glad U posted this thread cause I was dying 2 post about this similar situation that I been confronting, but because of fear of been
judge, or misinterpret,I didn't cause not every one could understand
but I'm glad you spoke about it ,

I star it a group call Anger Management U could look up on
the top were it says social groups and U'r going 2 see were it says
Social groups Log in and U will see were it says Anger management
Only one person had show up but if U like U could join it we call talk about our Anger and try to figure out the root and were
it comes from

this pass couple of Days I been feeling so Angry
I could feel it boiling up inside of me I also don't know
how 2 channel my emotion specially when U deal with
insensitive people,or rude people or people who misjudge you
or if U don't talk like them or be like them or think like them your
not accept it that P1$$e$ me off of Ignorant people

that felt good letting out or even talking about it
if U want U could P.M me anytime you want Thanx
4'r u'r courage to be able 2 speak about this topic
thats a taboo unto so many people specially
our family or society or our local churches











________________________

[lizw]

I was interested to read your post. My 1st sponsor told me I was 'allowed to be angry for 24 hours' if I was angry about something then after that I had to let it go. I still think 24 hours is pretty reasonable.

However that being said I've recently sought 'outside professional help' the last few months regarding this kind of thing, after noticing that I only 'felt' something/anything if it was extreme. I.e. Rage rather than anger. Estatic rather than happy. Depressed rather than sad.

I think like you expressed I came from a family where it wasn't okay to express my emotions and then after experiecing sexual, physical and emotional abuse, I became quite good at not feeling anything. I got so good at being able to turn my feelings on and off, it become second nature and I began to do it with out even knowing I was doing it, in other words I had no control over it.

For example as a teenager, I spent a few years in the care of 'the state' and living in foster type homes, and I recall I wanted my parents to die. I can remember HATING them but I can not remember feeling angry, which I must've been.

I sought professional help outside of the program because I was and am tired of feeling only extremes or nothing at all. I am also tired of seeking out situations or people as a prompt (just like I did with booze) to help me feel something/anything.

I'm not saying you should get outside help or anything like that, I think your post has just got me thinking about my more recent experience with feelings etc...

Thanks for sharing.

[indigo]

For me I work through my anger bit by bit eg: is this justified...etc
When I've been through my anger list, I decide if I've been treated unfairly to try and take with the person in a calm manner and if they don't get it, then it's their problem and I detach from it, no use wasting time on things we can't change, and I pass on to the positive.

[arieswoman]

Thanks, everyone.

For right now, I am just going to allow myself to BE angry. It's okay; it's just an emotion, like all the other emotions. I am allowed to feel my emotions, and I'm not going to try to suppress it, because I know that it will just pop back up again, in an unhealthy or inappropriate way.

I know i'm not going to act on it(i.e. shooting my supervisor!), and I'm sure as h*ll not going to drink or use drugs!!! Been down that road, don't ever want to go back there.

So, today, I am just gonna feel my anger.

"THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS"

Laurie

PS Nice girls DO get mad!!! And it's OKAY!!!

[Anna]

Hi Laurie,

I'm sorry you lost your job. That's just miserable.

I was raised as you were and was never allowed to express anger. As a result, I endeed up becoming very depressed because anger can only last so long. I think, that if you don't resolve your anger in some way, your body and mind give way to depression, just as a way to exist.

For me, I realized that a lot of my anger was directed at myself, ultimately. I hated who I was, who I had become and most of all, I hated myself for allowing abuse (physical & verbal) to continue, when I was old enough to have stopped it. I think that to let go of anger, you need to find some degree of forgiveness.

What has happened to you is unfair, but, there is some reason that you are going through this. It may be an opportunity to learn something and to grow.

[arieswoman]

Anna - yes, I definately believe that things happen for a reason, and that this is an opportunity to grow etc. etc. I've seen this happen many times before - what appears to be a crisis or a catastrophe turn out to be all for the best.

However, what I'm dealing with right now are legitimate feelings of anger.

As women especially, we are conditioned by society and our families that it's not feminine or okay to be angry, and certainly not to express it if we are. In my case, I drank or popped a pill when any uncomfortable emotion presented itself.

Now that I'm sober, I get to just FEEL and deal with these intense, raw, uncomfortable emotions. Just walk through them, accept them, and eventually they will pass. And also not be afraid of them, they are what they are: simply human emotions.

I'm glad I don't have to drink or pop a pill anymore over emotions. This is true freedom!

[Butterflywoman]

My favorite book on anger is The Dance of Anger.

To me anger is a double edged sword. It can protect you from people and situations that might hurt you or it can turn to resentment and hurt you. I process anger rather than just let it go (identify the emotion, talk about it, write about it, feel it, let go (forgive), be free).

[Mala09]

Hi arieswoman

Anger is such an uncomfortable emotion to feel that I often tried to suppress the anger by drinking, which only distorted the feelings. Now I value anger (not resentment which is a grudge or unresolved anger or mixed with self-pity) as a clear and powerful guide letting me know something is wrong. Nothing to drink over.

You are quite right that it is legitimate anger and needs to be acknowledged as such. Are you able to contest the dismissal on grounds of unfair practice or lodge a complaint? I have found that when I am able to take action my feelings of self-assertiveness are strengthened and I feel I am learning to take care of myself in the face of injustice.

Good luck and strength to you in the sober journey!

Love

Mal

[katiekizer21]

Load of good advice and enocuragemnt;

Anger is different from assertiveness. Hopefully you can seprate the being
fired from your internal feelings about being angry.

You got fired and should be unhappy or if it's unjustified then you can be
angry. However, if you're angry even when you don't get fired
those are two seperate issues. Learn the difference, file for unemployment
and get a min. wage job that you don't mind if you get fired from.

IN the mean time work on yourself and figure out why you're
angry even if you had a job, or if you had that job would you still be
angry about something else. You are an aries

Serenity,

KK

[arieswoman]

Thanks, KK! I do feel so much better now. That first week was a doozie, but now I'm channeling all my extra emotions into productive stuff. I'm sure glad I was able to come here and vent! Still sober -that's the main thing!

[Hikeon]

I think you must be on the right track, because anger is one of the biggest triggers of all to drink or drug. Have you ever heard of HALT?

H - Hungry
A - Angry
L - Lonely
T - Tired

Out of the four, I think Anger and Lonely are the most challenging. So good for you for not falling back into old habits.

[PassItOn2KeepIt]

I'm sorry you lost your job, but glad to see you working through your anger & really appreciate this thread, it is so helpful. I can really relate to not knowing how to deal with my own anger. Sometimes it goes straight to rage before it's even anger, and that's the scary part of it. I am starting to really realize that just like alcohol/drugs did in the past, anger has really played a large role in damaging my relationships with people and even destroying several of those for good, which is not easy to think about but necessary if I'm in honesty. I really want to get to that point I often hear people talk about when they "don't need to fight" any longer. Good stuff here, and there is most likely a much better job headed your way anyway, sometimes the most upsetting events can turn out to be a gift.

[Digginit]

I've thought about this a bit because it's something that's come up a time or two (lol) in my therapy sessions. It's difficult for me, but helpful, to look at what I feel that's under the anger. Even though it's sometimes difficult to feel okay about being angry, there's usually something else there (at least in my experience) that's even more difficult to feel.

For instance, with this friend of mine filling phentermine prescriptions under my name and DEA#. MAAAAN I was hot. But as I've tried to reflect, I can see what's beneath the anger, though I still can't name it. Sometimes I think it's hard to feel some things because of what those same emotions have been connected with in the past...and it hurts. But it has been helpful for me, lately, to at least try to let myself feel things again, even when it makes me uncomfortable.

~dig