Marriage in recovery

[yancheto]

Hello ladies,

I decided to seek help here as my situation is getting so painful I am on the edge...

I am 18 months sober and stuck on step 6..
28 years old female , married for 5 years.

Since I've been sober I have been on and off in love with my husband if I can express myself like this...I would be really happy for few weeks or months and then I will be like I am desperate to be on my own.
I haven't been attracted to him (sexually and generally) since I've been sober whatsoever.I used think it is down to the fact that I put the drink down and all drugs as well, but after 18 months it is obviously bothering me a lot.
I have been advised to let go and all this stuff like what's meant to be will be, but over the last 3-4 months I am really obsessing about the whole situation and am actually coming to the big question : Do I love him??
Trying to be as honest as I could be I do admit I do love him.He is the loveliest,nicest person I have ever known.So compassionate and carrying and funny..But I am coming to the idea that I do not love him the way a partner should be loved.I don't fancy him at all, but I am terrified of the idea of not having him in my life.
Recently I have been thinking of telling him I want us to separate temporally, but I am so scared of making a mistake or even more of hurting him.I cannot live with the idea that I could cause him pain of any kind.He does not deserve it,he has supported me in everything throughout my recovery and in my worst drinking times as well.Sometimes I feel it is so unfair I am having all these thoughts and he hasn't got a clue, feel so guilty about it...
Also every now and then I am fantasising about other men,people I know or even imaginary actors or something ...Most of them innocent fantasies, but some of them not so...Which is why I think it is not my sexual drive that's missing...what I thought in the beginning.

I have been feeling trapped and have no way out of it, have a ball in my throat a physical pain every time I think of this.And this is getting more often to the point where the last few weeks I hardly think of anything else.
I am desperate to be on my own.I want to be free and with him I don't think I can be free.And at the same time I am scared of the thought that it is just my selfishness that is never satisfied and I will regret if I leave him.
I feel I'm trapped and 2 nights ago I was terrified when I realised what I was thinking.. I was convinced that there is no way out of feeling this way forever apart from just killing myself.That way he wouldn't hate me at least.And I will put an end of this unbearable pain.
I know it sounds extreme and I was actually really shocked of these thoughts, but I think it is important to mention how far things have come.

My sponsor is still saying that I shouldn't make any decisions before I reach step 9, but I just can't be bothered to do anything these days apart from going to work and forcing myself to meetings. I am so miserable.I had a nervous breakdown today at lunch time at work , walking the street fighting the tears back and not knowing if I'll be able to pull myself together to survive the last few hours back at the office .

I really will appreciate some advise if someone has had similar experience.
I'm not sure what to do next although I know that I have things to write down like inventory of my relationship with him suggested by my spon.She's away on holiday, but also she is only 22 and has no experience with marriage so I am not sure how much she can help at this stage...

I am sorry if my massage is all over the place with no order of the thoughts, but I tried my best to describe the madness I am going through.
Can't help, but think I am a bad person...so sorry for this as well if that's the case.

Thank you!
XX

[51anna]

Hi and big welcome!

Hmm, it sounds like you're in a difficult position at the moment and unsure what to do.

I was married for a long, long time before I began drinking. I had unrealistic expectations about what to expect of marriage and I had no boundaries around me, whatsoever. Drinking helped to ease the pain and that lasted for a few years. I've been sober now, for about 8 years. And, the relationship with my husband has remained. It's different now, because I am different. And, I would strongly suspect that you are a different person now that you are sober. That doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage will or will not work, but it does mean that the relationship will likely need changes.

My advice would be, that if you are unsure, take your time to decide. I also wonder if you would consider marriage counselling for the two of you to work on the relationship? If you decide that leaving is what you want to do, then it will be a step that you can take when you feel ready.

[ananda]

not married so take this with a big dose of salt

but when I was married and realized I simply didn't love my husband....my councelor told me it was a disservice to my husband to remain in the relationship when he could go on to find someone who did love him...and he did.

That said...one of the mistakes I have made in every relationship I have had is that when things were going the wrong direction and I was becoming unhappy and stuff....I never shared that with my partner AT ALL.....so when there was nothing left to reserect...to heal.....I would say it's over...they had no idea what was coming and i denied both myself and them the chance to work through what might have just been a rough patch.

Good to talk to your sponsor. My sponsor incourages me to talk with others who have a similarity to me (in your case married) and then we discuss what I learn from other recovering alchoholics expereince strength and hope....I use ALL the experiences available to me in the program...not just one..and with her blessing

I hope that you will find the right path for yourself through this difficult part of your recovery journey!

[CarolD]

Welcome!

Perhaps doing an another 4th Step
specifically about your husband might give you clarity?

I ...I have no experience with your situation.
I've been happily divorced long before my sobriety.

Congratulations on your 18 months

[Rowan]

Hi! Welcome

What has worked for me, when facing any big decision? Wait. Turn it over. Ask God to guide you. And wait until you know. I understand the pain you are living with right now, truly I do, but until you are SURE you can live with your decision, I would put off making one. I, too, think it's a good idea to seek counselling - whether for yourself, or for the both of you.
You've got a good chunk of sober time, now, and that's wonderful. Have you begun working with newcomers? For me, it's been the BEST thing ever. Not only should it strengthen your recovery, but it may help to distract you from spending so much time dwelling on the future of your relationship.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Ro

[Lily]

yancheto,

Back in 1999 my late husband was diagnosed with brain cancer. As a result of this, he had brain damage, due to the swelling in the brain and chemo, and radiation. he was sweaty all of the time, he was swollen due to high doses of steriods, and he was almost not mobile. I made a decision to love him, and you know what? I did.

I read a book by Gary Smalley called Love is a decision. What I learned was it isn't all about the romantic feelings (cuz guarenteed these will wear off in just a year or so or less in ANY relationship~ I call them "the tingles") But love is a commitment.

Here are some of the points he makes in his book:

If your marriage relationship doesn’t have a destination, how will you know when you arrive? And why wait for love to materialize out of stardust, when you could choose excitement and romance—now?


There is a simple yet profound plan for a marriage of depth and warmth and excitement! Plan, you ask? Exactly! Good marriages are no accident. …


Six elements to staying in love, included in Love is a Decision, are:


Making your spouse feel truly honored.

Learning the art of touching—tenderly.

Keeping courtship alive in your marriage.

Re-opening a heart closed by anger.

Building—or rebuilding—trust in a relationship.

Becoming best friends with your family

These six elements are the keys to Love. Love is not an emotion, love is not a feeling, love is not happen-stance. Love is a Decision. Love is waking up every day committed to honoring your mate by implementing the above six keys. If you want to have a great relationship, guess what, it’s up to you.

If your marriage relationship doesn’t have a destination, how will you know when you arrive? And why wait for love to materialize out of stardust, when you could choose excitement and romance—now?


I agree with what the person said about working w/ newcomers. I too am, and it is helping my depression lift right up. I have also taken a service position. It gets me out of myself and being of service to others. I am also involved w/ a local church that boosts me too and my husband & I attend together. This strengthens our marriage as well.

If you do not know what to do, don't do anything. Try making small efforts toward him and who knows, that flame might just reignite.

blessings, Sheila

[indigo]

Take your time and don't make any rash decisions you may regret later, I'm sorry you are in such a situation and hope it can be resolved one way or another jmo.
Also a big Welcome to the forum I hope you'll keep posting.

[Butterflywoman]

Forgive me for always being in teaching mode (that is what I do for a living) but have you read Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix?

[katiekizer21]

Harvel Hendrix is a great book,

I agree that time is the best teacher.

However, when you're in pain you'd like to ease the misery.

Wait until you are emotionally strong enough to handle couples counseling
in the mean time work on yourself, physically, evaluate what you want from a
marriage, evaluate is that in line w/ your spiritual beliefs, and more importantly
evaluate GOOD BOOK, 7 THINGS HAPPY COUPLES DO.

TAKE CARE BE WELL, LOVE YOURSELF TO HEALTH THEN YOU'LL BE
READY FOR WHATEVER THE MARRIAGE IS OR IS NOT.

KK

[Raineydae]

Yancheto. Thanks so much for yor post. Everything you say is scarily where I am at. 18 months of sobriety, love my partner but don't really fancy him and I too am stuck on step 6.

Last week I discussed this with my new counsellor and I am being referred to a pyschosexual service as I have additional issues that make intimacy difficult with anyone. It starts with social intimacy and just goes on from there. I wasn't abused as a child so it's difficult to know exactly where it all comes from but I'm sure it's down to low self esteem.

But one thing I will say is that in sobriety, I now have something moving towards social intimacy and trust with my partner and for me that is a big deal. Thankfully he has been very supportive.

Sometimes I think that I might fancy him a bit more if he took more care of himself but I didn't feel comfortable with my counsellor's suggestion that I tell him so. I'm not sure it would serve anyone as these are just surface issues and my problem runs a whole lot deeper.

I am quite lonely but having my partner care for me and chat about things sure helps a lot.
I too fantasize about other men but I have come to wonder whether this is because all these fantasy men are safe and I know I don't have to enter into any real intimacy with them.

I hope you can find a way through.

Much love, RaineyD

[mizztake33]

Thanks for this post - I too am married and have some of the same dilemma that you do.

What helps me get through the day is trying to be kind to myself.

Not only am I an alcoholic (recovering), my husband still drinks. I started seeing a therapist, then started going to Al-Anon - this helped me - so far, a lot.

I never realized that I have so much anger and resentment built up.

One thing that my therapist said to me that really stuck, that may help you is:
"You don't have to think of leaving / ending the relationship right now, especially if it makes you feel really unconfortable. Your mind will tell you when things are right to approach the subject".

I'm not sure if you are like me on this point, but I also discovered that I am un undeniable codependent. Never, ever thought I was until started therapy, Al-Anon.

Don't give up - be gentle to yourself, and don't try to tackle every felling at the same time. This can be overwhelming. Be patient, do continue with your sponsor, and talk to your higher power; sometimes they can guide you on the sticky stuff too.

Good luck.

[yancheto]

Hi everyone,
Thanks for the replies and the TLC, you all are great!
Well I am still in the same situation, only things are a bit different..
My husband now has got a new job, he was 8 months job hunting ( I didn't mention before as didn't think it is important) however this was 1 reason I was telling myself I cannot talk to him about us yet as it will add to the stress of looking for a job...His self esteem at the time wasn't great anyway so I would have only destroyed him if I've told him...
Now though he's in his new job for second week and I am ready to start my relationship inventory as my sponsor suggested 4 months ago...yes it takes me some time I know..)So just have to get it down on a list and see where this gets me..Sooner or later I will have to talk to my husband as I believe that he needs to know what's going on....
I had also recently struggled with a sponsee and had to let her go as I couldn't really cope with my stuff so wasn't giving her the time and attention she needed.My sponsor is still away , but I did tell her the details of my situation and she has supported me in my decision...However my sponsee (ex-sponsee) took it really personal and is accusing me of abandonment and is really painful...She refuses to get a new sponsor and is saying she will wait for my sponsor to come back and so she can talk to her........No idea what about and don't need to know I guess....But can easily freak me out that stuff...
Also I am in the middle of changing jobs and also trying to give up smoking the last 2 months, proudly not smoking for 2 weeks now....

This is where I am at at the moment...
My desire to be free and single is growing bigger and stronger...not getting smaller so I guess I know where things will be going towards...Been not able to sleep properly and the other night half asleep I shouted something like : I cannot stand this anymore...Had to tell him i had a nightmare...It is all very sad actually...
Will keep you all posted.
Lots of love!

Y