Dating in Recovery - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ananda · 07-04-2008, 08:28 AM

OK....so i feel like a dweeb starting this thread, but reaching out to others and sharing is suppose to be good and I'm kinda over my head today.

a little background:
I've been sober 11 mos and 9 days. I have worked the steps...of course they are all growing and learning more everyday and am working on the amends each week...they will take a while I think. I have been celibate for 15 years. I have been on about 7-10 dates in my life. I was married at 19 for about a year and have been single since. I am now 49. I was in AA before 85 to ? and had 7 years before my last drink which lasted 8 years.

So....I am pretty sure I went on a date Tuesday. He picked me up, He paid for dinner. I had a good time. I have been attracted to him since January. This is the first time I have had sexual feelings at all in 15 years.

So I am realizing that I am way inexperienced in this stuff and don't really have any idea what i'm doing or how to interpret things....like what is a date. So I thought if I started a thread and posted as I walk through this it might help me. I don't want to blog cause I want to have interactions with others on this issue.

This man seems nice, caring, intelligent and of course has his less wonderful traits...a little over reserved I think. He was a total gentleman and he didn't even kiss me at the end of the date (of course maybe he thought just friends). If he just was being friends I would actually like to be his friend but the fact that i find him attractive on so many levels means that might be hard for me to be comfortable.

So I guess I don't know for sure it was a date. I don't know how I will respond to being around him after the meeting today (and he may very well not be there) I want to stay in the now but also enjoy the new stuff and most of all learn from this expereince.

Any imput appreciated.

tanyapmc · 07-04-2008, 08:35 AM

Sounds like a date to me Nands. He must like you and your company or he would not have asked you out. Try not to over analyze all of this. (I'm sure it's hard)

I have been married forever so I don't know anything about sober dating.

Just wanted to wish you luck!!

Sugah · 07-04-2008, 08:39 AM

Um, ananda, I'm pretty sure that was a date

.

As far as being overly reserved - for someone who was used to the compatibility test at the close of every first date, "taking things slowly" was a little weird for me. I "dated" my husband for weeks before we got passed a kiss goodnight - and the first three dates, that kiss was on the cheek.

My suggestion to you? Relax! If this man returns your feelings, that will become apparent. I don't know about you, but pre-sobriety, I was all about reaching the bottom line. I'm told that it's okay to get to know someone and learn about them before getting serious and/or intimate. THAT, I didn't know! I thought getting serious and/or intimate was HOW you got to know someone!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

**51anna** · 07-04-2008, 08:52 AM

Definitely a date!

And, I think it's great that he's taking things slowly. I think you'll figure out pretty soon what his feelings are. If he just wants to be friends, it should become apparent quickly. Try to not put pressure on yourself or on the two of you as a couple and just wait and see what happens.

By the way, I've been married longer than forever, so take this with a grain of salt.

Digginit · 07-04-2008, 09:19 AM

All I can say is that I'm GREEN with envy...lol. I'll add that to my list of personality flaws.

dig

grateful2b · 07-04-2008, 09:28 AM

Nands, just stay in the moment, be you and let the rest fall where it will, ..as soon as we enter the 'dating' zone, we feel like all the rules suddenly changed, yes, you like him, but apart from that , its just everyday life, stay in the moment...keep it simple , focus on the friendsip always........and enjoy!

lizw · 07-04-2008, 05:28 PM

As some of you know, I ended up in SLAA 9 months ago, after 'dating' a guy who wasn't in recovery (all my experience b4 that was with guys in recovery) and I went pretty bonkas.

However that being said here are a few things I have learnt, from my time there.

If it feels okay (being in his company) then it is probably okay. If however you feel the need to impress him, talk yourself up and/or lie about parts of your life, then run for the hills!

You don't have to sleep with someone to show them you are attracted to them.

Just because you've been on a date or a few dates, doesn't mean you're going to marry the guy.

Let god in. Don't try to manage, control or manipulate the situation.

Base your relationship or potential relationship with him on today NOT on your or his potential.

Don't keep it in your head. Talk about what is or isn't happening with people.

Hope some of this helps. I assume most people learn this stuff as they go but because I have a history of sleeping round or long dependent relationships, I am learning this all for the first time myself. God help me when I have to put it into practise.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 07-04-2008, 06:37 PM

Yes, I do believe that was a date!

I'm with the other women..I thought sleeping with someone was a date. Hence the length of my sex inventory..

Anyhoo, I don't know nuttin bout dating, but I'm thinking bout you and sending hugs. He's lucky to know you.

ananda · 07-04-2008, 06:50 PM

Thank you to all of you for sharing your experience and encouragement. You know I had a good day today....lunch with some women and then a meeting and out with the girls to celebrate a friends birthday.

I am never totally comfortable doing something I am inexpereinced at, but I feel alot more comfortable about this than I would have expected.

As for sex....well I actually hope that that will be something down the road awhile...right now I'm feeling pretty happy about spending time with him, and I want a chance to savor my first kiss before I move on to anything more intense...and since I want my 2nd 1st time to be good....i want it to happen in a "real" relationship.

Thanks again, and I'll probably post again as i go through this new path.

lovingseren · 07-04-2008, 09:04 PM

Bless Your Heart Ananda.

Your New Life is progressing nicely!

Seren

**CarolD** · 07-05-2008, 06:20 PM

Well...

Relationships? Read page 119
in our 12 & 12 before beginning one.

Dating? Relax and enjoy!

Klynn33 · 07-05-2008, 06:29 PM

My guess is you've gone on a date

of course, I'm no expert either - for me it was always "go out" which was normally getting a buzz on together, moving in together and having it fall apart within a year or so. (...and I've repeated this action...)
I've been single since Jan of this year, but if someone took me to dinner and actually paid for it - I'd think it would be a date. (and I'd be very excited.....as you should be)
just play it cool after the meeting with him - "feel" him out. (not literally, don't be doing that at meeting

)
and see what happens. and then of course come back here to let us know........
(since I have no life I will now live vicariously through you........)

deezaldog · 07-05-2008, 07:25 PM

It is interesting how we can make the easy seem so difficult. I understand your uncertain feelings. It sounds like the first date went well. He was'nt all over you. Hopefully he is the gentleman he sounds like. Best wishes and Great luck!
I am often told to use the KISS system!

lightseeker · 07-05-2008, 07:55 PM

sounds like a date to me - and a good one at that! You are smart to have a dialogue of support as you venture out into the dating world. That always helped me a whole lot. I loved the advice from lizW. The SLAA folks have a wonderful take on what a healthy relationship is....now I know that I have yet to have a healthy start to my relationships because I was so uncomfortable going slowly....just jumped right smack into them. Never really occurred to me to get to know someone well before becoming physically involved.

Staying in today and just enjoying the present is a great way to just let things upfold. Everytime I have over analyzed or overthought things it has messed things up. I wish that I had trusted in my HP and relied on him/her/it to take good care of me and my heart.

I'm smiling for you - and looking forward to hearing you share more of your journey!

ananda · 07-05-2008, 08:42 PM

I think it is going fine...I am suprised I don't fall into the same sort of patterns I use to...or at least not in an overwhelming way.

Saw him and chatted after the meeting....not really any different than before...

i admit was a littly pissy feeling cause i thought he might want to get together and say something about it...and i hinted

but you know thats just him....not me...it's his deal, i know i am treating him as i would a friend and also showing that i am interested as a woman.

I had a real good 2 days with my girlfriends and haven't dwelled to much on this...but have felt happy about it and some excitement.

I just feel alot more comfortable about walking through this than i thought i would and i feel like i have changed over the last 15 years and today showed me that my reactions are not going to be the same as they would have been back then

So I'll live and learn....thanks for being my friends and support! I'll keep ya posted, but he's pretty slow....so it may be nothing for a couple of weeks...a couple of months...who knows ....

expenguin · 07-06-2008, 06:44 AM

Good luck with the date....sounds like you had a good one...

I never did good dating someone while my recovery was going smooth.... I had the best time in the begining and then for some reason I would find out what the guy was really like later on as time went on....

Seems I always got the wrong guys in my life and got hurt feelings......

Take it slow and don't rush into too much..........enjoy your time and keep a distance to keep your program going...

I am doing better with my program and have many years to be thankful for today.................I found mister right many years into my recovery program....and was careful about saying "Yes" to marriage....

Today I can say ...."Watch your back and your program".... be careful and stay in the feeling of your program....

Don't let this person tell you that your recovery isn't important or distract you in another direction........

Praying for you that all goes well..............

07-04-2008, 08:28 AM	#1 (permalink)
ananda Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere Left of Left Posts: 4,530	Dating in Recovery OK....so i feel like a dweeb starting this thread, but reaching out to others and sharing is suppose to be good and I'm kinda over my head today. a little background: I've been sober 11 mos and 9 days. I have worked the steps...of course they are all growing and learning more everyday and am working on the amends each week...they will take a while I think. I have been celibate for 15 years. I have been on about 7-10 dates in my life. I was married at 19 for about a year and have been single since. I am now 49. I was in AA before 85 to ? and had 7 years before my last drink which lasted 8 years. So....I am pretty sure I went on a date Tuesday. He picked me up, He paid for dinner. I had a good time. I have been attracted to him since January. This is the first time I have had sexual feelings at all in 15 years. So I am realizing that I am way inexperienced in this stuff and don't really have any idea what i'm doing or how to interpret things....like what is a date. So I thought if I started a thread and posted as I walk through this it might help me. I don't want to blog cause I want to have interactions with others on this issue. This man seems nice, caring, intelligent and of course has his less wonderful traits...a little over reserved I think. He was a total gentleman and he didn't even kiss me at the end of the date (of course maybe he thought just friends). If he just was being friends I would actually like to be his friend but the fact that i find him attractive on so many levels means that might be hard for me to be comfortable. So I guess I don't know for sure it was a date. I don't know how I will respond to being around him after the meeting today (and he may very well not be there) I want to stay in the now but also enjoy the new stuff and most of all learn from this expereince. Any imput appreciated.

07-04-2008, 08:35 AM	#2 (permalink)
tanyapmc Charter Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Nunyabusinessville, Texas Posts: 3,179	Sounds like a date to me Nands. He must like you and your company or he would not have asked you out. Try not to over analyze all of this. (I'm sure it's hard) I have been married forever so I don't know anything about sober dating. Just wanted to wish you luck!!
	__________________

07-04-2008, 08:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 2,062	Um, ananda, I'm pretty sure that was a date . As far as being overly reserved - for someone who was used to the compatibility test at the close of every first date, "taking things slowly" was a little weird for me. I "dated" my husband for weeks before we got passed a kiss goodnight - and the first three dates, that kiss was on the cheek. My suggestion to you? Relax! If this man returns your feelings, that will become apparent. I don't know about you, but pre-sobriety, I was all about reaching the bottom line. I'm told that it's okay to get to know someone and learn about them before getting serious and/or intimate. THAT, I didn't know! I thought getting serious and/or intimate was HOW you got to know someone! Peace & Love, Sugah
	__________________ Oh, this old world keeps spinning round Its a wonder tall trees aint layin down There comes a time.

07-04-2008, 08:52 AM	#4 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 10,519	Definitely a date! And, I think it's great that he's taking things slowly. I think you'll figure out pretty soon what his feelings are. If he just wants to be friends, it should become apparent quickly. Try to not put pressure on yourself or on the two of you as a couple and just wait and see what happens. By the way, I've been married longer than forever, so take this with a grain of salt.
	__________________ Anna "I don't know what the future is holding in store I don't know where Im going, Im not sure where Ive been Theres a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I don't need to see the end." John Denver

07-04-2008, 09:19 AM	#5 (permalink)
Digginit Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: usa Posts: 439	All I can say is that I'm GREEN with envy...lol. I'll add that to my list of personality flaws. dig
	__________________ -- There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. We seek problems because we need their gifts.

07-04-2008, 09:28 AM	#6 (permalink)
grateful2b Leap of faith survivor Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: In the pines, in the pines.... Posts: 942	Nands, just stay in the moment, be you and let the rest fall where it will, ..as soon as we enter the 'dating' zone, we feel like all the rules suddenly changed, yes, you like him, but apart from that , its just everyday life, stay in the moment...keep it simple , focus on the friendsip always........and enjoy!
	__________________ We are what we believe we are....C.S. Lewis You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life thats waiting for you...

07-04-2008, 05:28 PM	#7 (permalink)
lizw God's Kid Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: New Zealand Posts: 865	Dunno if I am a good judge As some of you know, I ended up in SLAA 9 months ago, after 'dating' a guy who wasn't in recovery (all my experience b4 that was with guys in recovery) and I went pretty bonkas. However that being said here are a few things I have learnt, from my time there. If it feels okay (being in his company) then it is probably okay. If however you feel the need to impress him, talk yourself up and/or lie about parts of your life, then run for the hills! You don't have to sleep with someone to show them you are attracted to them. Just because you've been on a date or a few dates, doesn't mean you're going to marry the guy. Let god in. Don't try to manage, control or manipulate the situation. Base your relationship or potential relationship with him on today NOT on your or his potential. Don't keep it in your head. Talk about what is or isn't happening with people. Hope some of this helps. I assume most people learn this stuff as they go but because I have a history of sleeping round or long dependent relationships, I am learning this all for the first time myself. God help me when I have to put it into practise.
	__________________ ....blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.

07-04-2008, 06:37 PM	#8 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 1,858	Yes, I do believe that was a date! I'm with the other women..I thought sleeping with someone was a date. Hence the length of my sex inventory.. Anyhoo, I don't know nuttin bout dating, but I'm thinking bout you and sending hugs. He's lucky to know you.
	__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

07-04-2008, 06:50 PM	#9 (permalink)
ananda Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere Left of Left Posts: 4,530	Thank you to all of you for sharing your experience and encouragement. You know I had a good day today....lunch with some women and then a meeting and out with the girls to celebrate a friends birthday. I am never totally comfortable doing something I am inexpereinced at, but I feel alot more comfortable about this than I would have expected. As for sex....well I actually hope that that will be something down the road awhile...right now I'm feeling pretty happy about spending time with him, and I want a chance to savor my first kiss before I move on to anything more intense...and since I want my 2nd 1st time to be good....i want it to happen in a "real" relationship. Thanks again, and I'll probably post again as i go through this new path.

07-04-2008, 09:04 PM	#10 (permalink)
lovingseren Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Vancouver BC Posts: 379	Bless Your Heart Ananda. Your New Life is progressing nicely! Seren
	__________________ My recovery program is Women For Sobriety WFS Sober since Oct 2003

07-05-2008, 06:20 PM	#11 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 14,348	Well... Relationships? Read page 119 in our 12 & 12 before beginning one. Dating? Relax and enjoy!
	__________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery...

07-05-2008, 06:29 PM	#12 (permalink)
Klynn33 Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Langley, BC Posts: 646	My guess is you've gone on a date of course, I'm no expert either - for me it was always "go out" which was normally getting a buzz on together, moving in together and having it fall apart within a year or so. (...and I've repeated this action...) I've been single since Jan of this year, but if someone took me to dinner and actually paid for it - I'd think it would be a date. (and I'd be very excited.....as you should be) just play it cool after the meeting with him - "feel" him out. (not literally, don't be doing that at meeting) and see what happens. and then of course come back here to let us know........ (since I have no life I will now live vicariously through you........)
	__________________ Krista

07-05-2008, 07:25 PM	#13 (permalink)
deezaldog Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Fort Wayne IN Posts: 194	It is interesting how we can make the easy seem so difficult. I understand your uncertain feelings. It sounds like the first date went well. He was'nt all over you. Hopefully he is the gentleman he sounds like. Best wishes and Great luck! I am often told to use the KISS system!

07-05-2008, 07:55 PM	#14 (permalink)
lightseeker Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: North Carolina Posts: 673	sounds like a date to me - and a good one at that! You are smart to have a dialogue of support as you venture out into the dating world. That always helped me a whole lot. I loved the advice from lizW. The SLAA folks have a wonderful take on what a healthy relationship is....now I know that I have yet to have a healthy start to my relationships because I was so uncomfortable going slowly....just jumped right smack into them. Never really occurred to me to get to know someone well before becoming physically involved. Staying in today and just enjoying the present is a great way to just let things upfold. Everytime I have over analyzed or overthought things it has messed things up. I wish that I had trusted in my HP and relied on him/her/it to take good care of me and my heart. I'm smiling for you - and looking forward to hearing you share more of your journey!
	__________________ "If I stay in the light of what I can do to make my life better, rather than in the darkness of anger, blame and fear of the problem, my path remains lit and my world is a better place."

07-05-2008, 08:42 PM	#15 (permalink)
ananda Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere Left of Left Posts: 4,530	I think it is going fine...I am suprised I don't fall into the same sort of patterns I use to...or at least not in an overwhelming way. Saw him and chatted after the meeting....not really any different than before... i admit was a littly pissy feeling cause i thought he might want to get together and say something about it...and i hinted but you know thats just him....not me...it's his deal, i know i am treating him as i would a friend and also showing that i am interested as a woman. I had a real good 2 days with my girlfriends and haven't dwelled to much on this...but have felt happy about it and some excitement. I just feel alot more comfortable about walking through this than i thought i would and i feel like i have changed over the last 15 years and today showed me that my reactions are not going to be the same as they would have been back then So I'll live and learn....thanks for being my friends and support! I'll keep ya posted, but he's pretty slow....so it may be nothing for a couple of weeks...a couple of months...who knows ....

07-06-2008, 06:44 AM	#16 (permalink)
expenguin Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A place of special Dreams.... Posts: 2,100	Good luck with the date....sounds like you had a good one... I never did good dating someone while my recovery was going smooth.... I had the best time in the begining and then for some reason I would find out what the guy was really like later on as time went on.... Seems I always got the wrong guys in my life and got hurt feelings...... Take it slow and don't rush into too much..........enjoy your time and keep a distance to keep your program going... I am doing better with my program and have many years to be thankful for today.................I found mister right many years into my recovery program....and was careful about saying "Yes" to marriage.... Today I can say ...."Watch your back and your program".... be careful and stay in the feeling of your program.... Don't let this person tell you that your recovery isn't important or distract you in another direction........ Praying for you that all goes well..............
	__________________ One day at a time.......Just for today..... Believe in yourself