 |
|---|
 |
 |
 |
| | |
|
Alcohol Addiction 12 Steps
| | Narcotics Addiction 12 Steps
|
| |||||||
 |
| | Thread Tools | Display Modes |
07-04-2008, 09:28 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 6,307
| Dating in Recovery
OK....so i feel like a dweeb starting this thread, but reaching out to others and sharing is suppose to be good and I'm kinda over my head today. a little background: I've been sober 11 mos and 9 days. I have worked the steps...of course they are all growing and learning more everyday and am working on the amends each week...they will take a while I think. I have been celibate for 15 years. I have been on about 7-10 dates in my life. I was married at 19 for about a year and have been single since. I am now 49. I was in AA before 85 to ? and had 7 years before my last drink which lasted 8 years. So....I am pretty sure I went on a date Tuesday. He picked me up, He paid for dinner. I had a good time. I have been attracted to him since January. This is the first time I have had sexual feelings at all in 15 years. So I am realizing that I am way inexperienced in this stuff and don't really have any idea what i'm doing or how to interpret things....like what is a date. So I thought if I started a thread and posted as I walk through this it might help me. I don't want to blog cause I want to have interactions with others on this issue. This man seems nice, caring, intelligent and of course has his less wonderful traits...a little over reserved I think. He was a total gentleman and he didn't even kiss me at the end of the date (of course maybe he thought just friends). If he just was being friends I would actually like to be his friend but the fact that i find him attractive on so many levels means that might be hard for me to be comfortable. So I guess I don't know for sure it was a date. I don't know how I will respond to being around him after the meeting today (and he may very well not be there) I want to stay in the now but also enjoy the new stuff and most of all learn from this expereince. Any imput appreciated. |
|      |
|
07-04-2008, 09:35 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member  |
Sounds like a date to me Nands. He must like you and your company or he would not have asked you out. Try not to over analyze all of this. (I'm sure it's hard) I have been married forever so I don't know anything about sober dating. Just wanted to wish you luck!!
__________________  |
|
| |
|
07-04-2008, 09:39 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Om, Aum, Ohm...  Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 2,346
|
Um, ananda, I'm pretty sure that was a date  .As far as being overly reserved - for someone who was used to the compatibility test at the close of every first date, "taking things slowly" was a little weird for me. I "dated" my husband for weeks before we got passed a kiss goodnight - and the first three dates, that kiss was on the cheek. My suggestion to you? Relax! If this man returns your feelings, that will become apparent. I don't know about you, but pre-sobriety, I was all about reaching the bottom line. I'm told that it's okay to get to know someone and learn about them before getting serious and/or intimate. THAT, I didn't know! I thought getting serious and/or intimate was HOW you got to know someone! Peace & Love, Sugah
__________________  I don't know what happens when people die Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear That I can't sing I can't help listening ~JB |
|
| |
|
07-04-2008, 09:52 AM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Forum Leader  Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 11,160
|
Definitely a date! And, I think it's great that he's taking things slowly. I think you'll figure out pretty soon what his feelings are. If he just wants to be friends, it should become apparent quickly. Try to not put pressure on yourself or on the two of you as a couple and just wait and see what happens. By the way, I've been married longer than forever, so take this with a grain of salt. 
__________________ Anna  "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou |
|
| |
|
07-04-2008, 10:19 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: usa
Posts: 447
|
All I can say is that I'm GREEN with envy...lol. I'll add that to my list of personality flaws.  dig
__________________ -- There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. We seek problems because we need their gifts. |
|
| |
|
07-04-2008, 10:28 AM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Leap of faith survivor  Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: In the pines, in the pines....
Posts: 1,364
|
Nands, just stay in the moment, be you and let the rest fall where it will, ..as soon as we enter the 'dating' zone, we feel like all the rules suddenly changed, yes, you like him, but apart from that , its just everyday life, stay in the moment...keep it simple , focus on the friendsip always........and enjoy!
__________________  We are what we believe we are....C.S. Lewis You need to give up the life you have in order to have the life thats waiting for you... |
|
| |
|
07-04-2008, 06:28 PM
| #7 (permalink) |
| God's Kid  Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,240
| Dunno if I am a good judge
As some of you know, I ended up in SLAA 9 months ago, after 'dating' a guy who wasn't in recovery (all my experience b4 that was with guys in recovery) and I went pretty bonkas. However that being said here are a few things I have learnt, from my time there. If it feels okay (being in his company) then it is probably okay. If however you feel the need to impress him, talk yourself up and/or lie about parts of your life, then run for the hills! You don't have to sleep with someone to show them you are attracted to them. Just because you've been on a date or a few dates, doesn't mean you're going to marry the guy. Let god in. Don't try to manage, control or manipulate the situation. Base your relationship or potential relationship with him on today NOT on your or his potential. Don't keep it in your head. Talk about what is or isn't happening with people. Hope some of this helps. I assume most people learn this stuff as they go but because I have a history of sleeping round or long dependent relationships, I am learning this all for the first time myself. God help me when I have to put it into practise.
__________________ ....blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.    |
|
| |
|
07-04-2008, 07:37 PM
| #8 (permalink) |
| No more merlot, more mamma  |
Yes, I do believe that was a date! I'm with the other women..I thought sleeping with someone was a date. Hence the length of my sex inventory.. Anyhoo, I don't know nuttin bout dating, but I'm thinking bout you and sending hugs. He's lucky to know you.
__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh |
|
| |
|
07-04-2008, 07:50 PM
| #9 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 6,307
|
Thank you to all of you for sharing your experience and encouragement. You know I had a good day today....lunch with some women and then a meeting and out with the girls to celebrate a friends birthday. I am never totally comfortable doing something I am inexpereinced at, but I feel alot more comfortable about this than I would have expected. As for sex....well I actually hope that that will be something down the road awhile...right now I'm feeling pretty happy about spending time with him, and I want a chance to savor my first kiss before I move on to anything more intense...and since I want my 2nd 1st time to be good....i want it to happen in a "real" relationship. Thanks again, and I'll probably post again as i go through this new path.  |
|
| |
|
07-05-2008, 07:29 PM
| #12 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 650
|
My guess is you've gone on a date of course, I'm no expert either - for me it was always "go out" which was normally getting a buzz on together, moving in together and having it fall apart within a year or so. (...and I've repeated this action...)I've been single since Jan of this year, but if someone took me to dinner and actually paid for it - I'd think it would be a date. (and I'd be very excited.....as you should be) just play it cool after the meeting with him - "feel" him out. (not literally, don't be doing that at meeting )and see what happens. and then of course come back here to let us know........ (since I have no life I will now live vicariously through you........)
__________________ Krista  |
|
| |
|
07-05-2008, 08:25 PM
| #13 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 227
|
It is interesting how we can make the easy seem so difficult. I understand your uncertain feelings. It sounds like the first date went well. He was'nt all over you. Hopefully he is the gentleman he sounds like. Best wishes and Great luck! I am often told to use the KISS system! |
|
| |
|
07-05-2008, 08:55 PM
| #14 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: May 2005 Location: North Carolina
Posts: 698
|
sounds like a date to me - and a good one at that! You are smart to have a dialogue of support as you venture out into the dating world. That always helped me a whole lot. I loved the advice from lizW. The SLAA folks have a wonderful take on what a healthy relationship is....now I know that I have yet to have a healthy start to my relationships because I was so uncomfortable going slowly....just jumped right smack into them. Never really occurred to me to get to know someone well before becoming physically involved. Staying in today and just enjoying the present is a great way to just let things upfold. Everytime I have over analyzed or overthought things it has messed things up. I wish that I had trusted in my HP and relied on him/her/it to take good care of me and my heart. I'm smiling for you - and looking forward to hearing you share more of your journey!
__________________ "If I stay in the light of what I can do to make my life better, rather than in the darkness of anger, blame and fear of the problem, my path remains lit and my world is a better place." |
|
| |
|
07-05-2008, 09:42 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 6,307
|
I think it is going fine...I am suprised I don't fall into the same sort of patterns I use to...or at least not in an overwhelming way. Saw him and chatted after the meeting....not really any different than before... i admit was a littly pissy feeling cause i thought he might want to get together and say something about it...and i hinted but you know thats just him....not me...it's his deal, i know i am treating him as i would a friend and also showing that i am interested as a woman. I had a real good 2 days with my girlfriends and haven't dwelled to much on this...but have felt happy about it and some excitement. I just feel alot more comfortable about walking through this than i thought i would and i feel like i have changed over the last 15 years and today showed me that my reactions are not going to be the same as they would have been back then So I'll live and learn....thanks for being my friends and support! I'll keep ya posted, but he's pretty slow....so it may be nothing for a couple of weeks...a couple of months...who knows .... |
|
| |
|
07-06-2008, 07:44 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A place of special Dreams....
Posts: 2,124
|
Good luck with the date....sounds like you had a good one... I never did good dating someone while my recovery was going smooth.... I had the best time in the begining and then for some reason I would find out what the guy was really like later on as time went on.... Seems I always got the wrong guys in my life and got hurt feelings...... Take it slow and don't rush into too much..........enjoy your time and keep a distance to keep your program going... I am doing better with my program and have many years to be thankful for today.................I found mister right many years into my recovery program....and was careful about saying "Yes" to marriage.... Today I can say ...."Watch your back and your program".... be careful and stay in the feeling of your program.... Don't let this person tell you that your recovery isn't important or distract you in another direction........ Praying for you that all goes well..............
__________________  One day at a time.......Just for today..... Believe in yourself |
|
| |
|
07-07-2008, 04:07 PM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Love Addict and Alcoholic  Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: California
Posts: 143
| Here are some links to stuff about healthy relationships. A Fine Romance by Judith Sills is a must read . . . Love Addicts Anonymous - The Ingredients of a Healthy Relationship Love Addicts Anonymous - The Progression of a Healthy Relationship 
__________________ Recovery means doing the right thing even if we don't want to . . . one day at a time.  |
|
| |
|
07-09-2008, 12:05 PM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Member  Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: West Coast, USA
Posts: 29
|
I agree with everyone to maintain a slow pace. This means in the beginning, you don't need daily contact. If you go out once or twice a week, that's a good pace to get to know someone. The kind of relationships where you spend all of your time together quickly usually fizzle. That is because you enter the intimacy stage far too soon. There are 5 stages of dating. If you follow them slowly, your chances for a healthy relationship increase. Stage 1. Attraction 2. Uncertainty 3. Exclusivity 4. Intimacy 5. Engagement/Commitment (Marriage) If you have sex in stage 1 attraction, as a woman your heart will be ahead of the man's. It's like you will be in stage 4 (intimacy) but he's in stage 1. If you race ahead of a man in your feelings, you will very likely push him away. My experience in the past confirms this. When a man is in attraction, he will do a lot to impress you, be on his best behavior. He will have a strong urge to fulfill his feeling of attraction into sex. However, as women, because of the way we're wired, it's often safer to wait at least until you are dating each other exclusively before you engage in sex (wait until stages 3-4-5). If you have sex sooner, just be mindful of letting yourself get too attached. Men DO NOT get as attached to us as we do to them after having sex. |
|
| |
|
07-09-2008, 12:54 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 6,307
|
well....i guess i appear on track, been seeing each other at a meeting and chating afterwards for 6 months. been a week, and he hasn't asked me out a second time...so we are definately going slow. Definately have done stage 1 and 2.... I hate to be flip, but i can't resist.... My sponsor said, why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free? My response...if he only wants the milk he's welcome to it and then just leave me alone!!!!! Seriously, It seems most important to me right now that I let his problems, whatever they may be stay his. At this point, I like him, I want to get to see him more, Sure he makes me horney!!!!! but don't intend to push into sex. I don't know...maybe I'm crazy, but it seems to me if he misses the boat on this that is really his deal...I just need to be honest and compasionate. The greatest blessing so far from all this has been to find out that I really am a different person today than I was 15 years ago, that I am capable of accepting changes in myself day to day. This thread is really helping me to grow. But watch out ... DW is sooooo slow that this thread could take yearssss to end  |
|
| |
|
07-14-2008, 05:41 AM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Member  Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Australia
Posts: 622
| Quote:
__________________ It takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow. | |
|
| |
|
07-17-2008, 05:56 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 6,307
|
well...want to keep myself up to date on this for future reference....so welcome along for the ride. So...havent seen him in over a week as i had other stuff to do last weekend. I don't care, but there is an edge of bitterness on that that i don't like.... I've noticed that as my major house disaster has been a huge focus I find myself increasingly irritated by the concept that men EVER really add to a person's life in any way.... I've been glad I don't have to share these decision today with some partner about how to spend my money and organize my retirement plans...but you see that just has way too much bitterness in it. I find myself making more anti-male comments and I just KNOW that is not the way to health. before i started to drink after a period of sobriety I built up such a wall of self centeredness...I am a strong woman and I do exceptionally well on my own...so I truley dont NEED others to FIX me, etc. but that hard bitterness i can get when i feel that no one will be there for me is a sick prelude to a drink...so no i will not go there. I keep having these nagging thoughts about how I still couldn't get help from anyone male/femal, aa/work anyone willing to help me move boxes and furniture so that I can do this renovation on my basement that is flooded....I couldn't even get anyone i know to do it for pay!!!!!! (and i pay well).... I have to remember that my view of things is probably very slanted right now cause i have been taking a lot of steps outside my safety zone in the last 6 months. I will pray for others and remember to think kindly and not make sweeping generalizations about men or about people. It is so clear that fear .... the desire to be "safe" ... is such a huge obsticle to my spiritual growth and also eventually will lead to drinking if i don't learn a new way of life. So, I will focus on my HP (spiritual path) and keep talking to my sponsor, going to my meetings and working to clean up my physical house and learn to recognize my fears and let them go instead of hanging on to them like they will protect me! thanks.  |
|
| |
|
07-17-2008, 07:21 PM
| #22 (permalink) |
| Member  | thanks
It's such a relief to see everyone's replies and feel like I have something in common with other women in terms of how my relationships have gone in the past. I am recently divorced and cannot imagine going on a date much less meeting someone new. And sober? I'm sure that I would be a total nervous wreck and end up being a bore, or worse, come off as needy and get taken advantage of...again. Methinks maybe the right thing for me personally at the moment is to learn who I am and how to be with myself and what to do with all of the time in these new days and nights without alcohol to fall back on or turn to. My life has been overshadowed by alcohol and now I'm going to get it back before I let someone else in. Thanks for listening. |
|
| |
|
07-19-2008, 03:15 PM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 6,307
|
well...all over the board as usual....I think for me being sober has meant realizing that I am not the same from day to day but constantly changing. So....Saw DW at the noon meeting....he really does just ...i don't know...I like him...what can i say....i always enjoy talking to him.... ok so the bottom line is i called him and asked him if he would like to go out for coffee this week. He said yes....he'll pick me up at 7pm on Thursday. I realize that as usual, i like to be in control and HATE being in limbo about what is really going on....so i don't know what i think about this. On the one hand, I am obviously not just letting things happen without my pushing, yet I am so glad I did it. I left the meeting, started to get obsessive and spending too much time wondering if we would go out again sometime...decided I really don't have the time to waste on thinking about this relationship when I have other activities and growth to do...so I took care of it and can now just relax and enjoy my week and take care of some of the chaos going on in my house right now. I believe there is a time for action, but also a time to pause and leting things unfold. And I'm not so great at judging when to do which. So I guess I will learn from this. oh yeah...he was happy to hear from me and didn't hesitate for a second. May all of us walk skillfully and GENTLY through our karma  |
|
|
