Dating in Recovery

[ananda]

I'll let you all know how it goes

45 minites to go and I am all ready. Excited but not overly so. hope i can keep up a conversation!

take care all.

[Sugah]

Have a GREAT time. Be yourself, and everything will be just fine.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

[Impurrfect]

I'm with sug....have a GREAT time!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[ananda]

It was wonderful...such a gentleman and we talked for 3 hours. No good nite kiss yet, but I don't even mind cause we had so much fun talking!

He may go to my birthday meeting too!

Thanks for hanging out with me girls...it's just nice to be able to share the good times with someone and not just the hard times.

See you soon!

[Impurrfect]

I'm so glad you had a good time!!!! Whenever I get the nerve up to date....I'll look to YOU to get me through it

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

[Lenina]

So glad you had a good time! That's wonderful!

Love,

Lenina

[ananda]

I need to remember this....I went on the date thinking I really wanted a good night kiss! But I had such a wonderful time talking to this man that i couldn't get real disappointed that it didn't happen!

And we learned more about each other than last time but didn't get to deep. It was really neat...and I always thought I didn't like dating!

Slow really is good when your with the right person maybe...we'll see....

but just a real different expereince than I've ever had and I want to remember that this is possible. I've always been very cynical about men/dating/etc.

I hope he'll call next week, but the truth is I'm pretty busy right now and I feel confident that he likes me too...so I think I won't think about it too much.

thanks for everyone who is letting me share about this expereince with them. I think it is helping me to grow and learn about me and our world.

[ananda]

How things change....I've always been that way! I don't even mind it too much, but I am a little rough around the edges.

Don't quite get the friendship thing. When I am friends with a woman I will usually get together with her once a week and talk or call on the phone and talk or go grocery shoping together..whatever just time to spend together....

But somehow if it's a man all this game playing comes into it for people like you have to act a certain way and stuff....and I guess I just can't do that. I think that will crash and burn this opportunity pretty quickly...oh well...

So see I called and left him a message that I wondered when we might get together this week. I think that kinda thing scares men off and I think women think of it as "chasing" but when I ask myself what would I do in a friendship....the answer is exactly what I did. And yes.....if the friend didn't return my call I would feel bad. The world won't end, but I don't like it and willl be hesitant to reach out again.

And once I am hesitant...i am no longer being myself, but trying to change to fit the other person. So I am officially screwed on this one I think.

My house is falling apart worse than expected...bad foundation...so things are pretty scary in terms of my life and I sorta want to just take a break from being the person who has to make decisions and take action toward a goal all the time. But I can't...if I don't take the next indicated action toward fixing the house, things will only get worse..but my heart is just not full of hope today...more just want to crawl into a hole and hide from life.

I'm just going to focus on doing what I need to do for my life and treating all human beings like fellow travelers on a spiritual journey. Because that is the real path for me....not always safe, not always happy, but there is something about it that is it's own reward.

Bed time soon and tomarrow...I will be a new person and on the next part of my journey to see where it leads.

[ananda]

s**t....I am obsessing! Still getting my work done and stuff. Still working with others....doing my "prayers".....Well, the obsession will be lifted when it's time for it to be lifted.

I guess no one said I would be obsession free always and forever.

I did find out that "normal" people in "healthy" relationships have bouts of this too...but I would really prefer not to!

I believe the obsessing is due to my control issues...becomeing afraid and wanting to controll things so that I can feel like I am in charge. And you know, I'm only "in charge" of doing the next indicated thing in my life...I cannot control others, and sobriety isn't about being safe, it's about living life.

OK - off to work to focus on my primary purpose at work...that is get the professor the numbers he needs to make a decision!

thanks for the ear!

[bostonluv]

Ha..I like the little guy in the jail cell. I feel that way sometimes too.

[ananda]

You know...sometimes AA can make things so complicated!!!!! So he was sweet and nice and came forr part of a campout. All nice...all good...

Well at our coffee group discussion turned to honesty and "secrets". One of my friends that I share with a great deal in the coffee group is the guy I'm dating's sponsor....So I finally told her that I felt awkward not saying something to her about the fact that we had gone out several times. She said I know, you do know I'm his sponsor....and I said yes, but I don't know what he talks to his sponsor about and what he doesn't and it's not really my business.

I let her know that I just wanted to be sure it was acknowledge and that it wasn't that I am trying to "hide" something, just that I am aware she is his sponsor and therefore would probably not share details that might put her in an uncomfortable spot.

It's all fine and we both seem to be comfortable with this....but I hate the part of relationships with people in AA (and actually this applys to friendships too) where you need to be sensitive to the gossip and weird stuff that can get going around when so many people are interconected via the program.

I feel ok about the choices I am making today, and the path I am trying to walk. So all is well...I just prefer things to not be complicated yet the more that you develop relationships with other human beings, the more complicated things can seem...so i will focus on the next indicated thing in my life...and right now that means preparing for bed and organizing my work schedule to be of maximum service to my department tommarrow.

[kj3880]

I can tell you for sure that all women obsess about when a man or if a man is going to call after a date. Not just us. A lot of times for me, the ones who keep calling are the ones I didn't like much. lol...

I don't know if it's because we give off a vibe of hard-to-get when we really don't like someone that is attractive to men (who have a whole hunting mind-set about dating, I've read) People always want what they can't have, too.

There's a whole theory that (The Rules, a book about dating) that you have to pretend you really don't like them that much, and play hard to get if you really do like a man. It seems like too much work and game playing to me. Maybe that's why I've been single much of my life.
KJ

[ananda]

Yes KJ...I have definately decided that I am NOT going to do the game play thing...My sponsor is really rather cute about this cause she'll say well you could..... and then she'll stop and say oh yeah but you have decided you are not playing games

I guess I just don't really want a significant other if it involves all that manipulating, control etc.

I figure we either click and make it work or we don't....and each person has a choice about that. I know I can have a happy life by myself...done that for a long time. So that really helps keep things in perspective for me.

Yeah...am glad to know that some obsession is "normal"....just don't want it to get crazy!

Thanks

[ananda]

OK - well....they weren't dates for him.

Don't know what I'll do from here, but this thread is no longer relevant.

Please don't post about how the right man is out their somewhere...I've never been about that. I have always enjoyed the single life without the sex/male thing....So that is where I am headed and if I meet a man that I think is special I will open my heart. But I know I am usually happier as a single.

[ananda]

welll......ok....it was "casual" dating. So he wants to take me out next week and I said yes. I enjoy our timetogehter and the boundereis are clear...no sex.

So since I have a great time talking to him for 3 hours over coffee I will go.

Also some creepy guy from my home group asked me out and i said no...good for me cause just cause one guy i like isn't interested doesn't mean I have to go out with someone I wouldn't give a ride home from the meeting cuase he icks me out. There was a time in my life where if I were rejeccted I had this need to prove omeone liked me. That is way not gonna happen anymore.

I feel pretty ok about this...When we first met I though he might be like a father or brother to me as we had so mch in common personality wise and with teh dogs and stuff.

So let the relationship be a friendship and injoy the time together. And knw the limits to it.

Hope you odn't mind my little diary work here.