Go back to AA? Please help

[BeachAngel]

I have a serious problem that I am really scared about.

Hmmm, where to begin? I drink at least a bottle of wine every night, usually about one and a half. My biggest fear is that it will run out. I only bought one liter tonight so " I could control it" but it is almost gone. BIG problem, I am worried about it running out. I am not married, I have a wonderful 14 year old daughter that I hide empty bottles from. She is the beat of my heart and my greatest accomplishment, I am afraid I am a bad example to my darling teen daughter. I never seem drunk or out of control, I hold it very well, it has been going on for years. Otherwise, I provide a very nice home life.

I have dedicated my life to raising my daughter and don't have a serious boyfriend or man in my life, just dating without my daughter being exposed to anyone. I hide this drinking problem from anyone I date, I drink secretly at night whether I get home at 6pm or 1am, I always open a bottle of wine and drink the whole thing.

In the beginning of this year I realized that my drinking was not normal. I thought I was doing it to relax but it got worse and worse (to me, I totally hide it from everyone) until I woke up on the floor a couple nights. Wine only because that is what good girls do, right? I consider myself a person of scruples and integrity, I am not one to do the "wrong thing" and this behavior really scares me.

I went to AA in January. Everyone was very supportive but I heard many stories of blackouts (I have never had one), violence, arrest, etc. I have fortunately never encountered these problems. So, I quit AA after having two beers normally while on vacation in April. Yeah! Finally! I was OK, I am not an alcoholic, I CAN drink normally. That is what I thought.

Now, I am doing the same old behavior after drinking "normally" a couple of times. Craving wine at night, saying just one more night, hiding empty bottles out of embarrassment, hiding how much I drink at night from everyone, physically needing more, promising myself in the morning to never do it again, and wine being the main focus on any given night.

I am embarrased to go back to AA with my tail between my legs but I am thinking they probably already know why I left. I don't WANT AA or this problem. I don't want to be percieved as a first time loser at the AA meetings, they will probably remember me from before.

I just want to be able to relax at night, I would LOVE to be able to enjoy the morning but mornings are only about cleaning up the mess from last night i.e. posts I made on my professional message board, the wine bottles, glasses, cigarettes I smoke (I never smoke when I don't drink, ever!). I call it Dirty Karen (my real name).

Please help, I feel totally out of control and frequently in the morning I feel too sick to even get out of bed. I cancel meetings and lay in bed with my water and my laptop, "working from home".

Please advise.

Thanks,

BeachAngel

[lizw]

I think one of the weird things about being alcoholic is that most of us, go to a meeting and think (after hearing the stories) "far out if I ever get that bad I will come back", then go off on our merry way and forget that if we are indeed powerless of alcohol, we may never get given the chance again to go back.

So don't feel bad, just go back to meetings and look for the simularities (excuse bad spelling) and not the differences in the stories.

When I first went I thought the above (if I ever get that bad etc..), then I went back out there for 3 or 4 months which became hell, so when I went back after that, they were the best bunch of people I knew!! This year I will be 10 years sober.

You'll be welcomed back with open arms.

[nandm]

Welcome to our forum.

I tried many times to quit drinking over my 20 year drinking career. With similar experiences to yours. I even quit for a year one time. Each time when I went back to drinking it always turned out the same. I would be able to start out drinking one or two but with time, no matter how hard I tried, eventually I wound back up in the insanity of the drinking way to much. My life always wound back up in that alcoholic unmanageability and loss of control. The only significant amount of time I have had sober has been the past 7 years which I have done through AA. I did not necessarily want AA when I came to it but I had come to a point where I realized that my drinking was just a slow suicide that was not only killing me but everyone who cared about me. I could no longer go on drinking but I had no clue how to live my life without it and not be miserable.

To address your concern. In a little more than 7 years of time in AA I have seen many people come and go. Some to even return. I am thankful anytime I see someone return. I am truly grateful for the sobriety I have found. I don't know why I was given this gift but do remember what it was like to have that ache inside because I could not stop drinking. People that come back to the rooms of AA after a relapse help me because they remind me that drinking still isn't working out there. There is absolutely no shame in picking yourself back up, in fact it takes a lot of courage and strength. I have a lot of respect for those that are able to come back after a relapse and am grateful they are here. I think that if the AA in your area is anything like in my area you will find yourself welcomed with open arms and without shame.

Take care and I do wish you the best of your sobriety no matter what program of recovery works for you.

[BeachAngel]

I seriously don't know how I will live with or without drinking. I just tried to lay down in bed to go to sleep and all I can think about is another drink because I did not have enough tonight. I ran out because I put limitations on myself tonight in an attempt to control this craziness. I don't want to live in this manner but my daughter....she is the one I am living for. I am very upset with the way I am running my life and really just with this was all over with.

I wish someone here knew me so you all would understand that I am not the crazy loon that I feel or sound like right now. I am smart and funny, a great person, and a good mother if I am anything. I am a great business woman usually ( I was!) and a person of integrity. I am a person of substance and I am afraid of this taking over my life and afraid of my failure which I am hiding from everyone.

This relaxing night with a bottle of wine has turned into a nightmare as it always does. THAT is what leads to believe this is a problem out of my control. If I had more wine I would be drinking it terrified of it and loving it at the same time. Then tomorrow would be more excuses---sore throat, daughter sick, stuck at another appt, have to attend training, car accident, ANYTHING to avoid having to show up hung over and bleary eyed.

I just emailed a therapist I was seeing that knows about this and told her how embarrassed I was to go back to AA. I might go back but I am worried about seeing someone I know or someone finding out about this or...I guess actually having to face it and STOP DRINKING.

Obviously I live in fear. Fear is the cheapest seat in the house and I want better for myself. I know that but I don't know how to stop.

Thank you so much for your comments.

My best....

[Latte]

I live in a very small town (you can see where in my post) and in the meetings I go to we run the gamut. Doctors, nurses, lawyers, etc. At first I didn't understand how someone like me fit in. I'm a stay at home mom but I'm an alcoholic/addict so I am..just like them. We all share one thing, addiction.

I finally understand that I am a good person that just happens to be an alcoholic/addict. I can be both things. There are many people who are. You don't have to be one or the other.

[zoomer]

drinking a couple of bottles of wine a night or even one bottle is a lot for me. Wine always gave me a headache the next day. I drank beer and not a lot in the end,but I drank a lot in my teens, early 20's. I had a dry period for years and went to AA,then I went back out after a professional said I was not an alcoholic,but a problem drinker. I spent many years out there and I too thought that I was a good mother. Then I had a breakdown and the doctor told me to lay off the sauce. It was so hard to do and I was back to drinking again. Anyway, I never had a black out, never woke up on the floor,but had hangerovers to where I could not do anything but lay around the next day. I was afraid to go back to AA after so many years sober,but I was talked into it. I came and went a few times,but threw in the towle one day because I wanted to be the best mother possible. I'm now just about 4 years sober and going back to AA was the best thing I ever did. I may not be a "heavy alcoholic", but I drank when I should not have and drank plenty enough to earn my seat in AA. I know for certain that I'd still be drinking if it was not for AA and I'd still be feeling guilt and still be having those hangovers. I was depressed and felt unworthy when I drank, today those feelings are gone because I'm doing the right thing. You may think your daughter may not know,but kid's hide things from us too. I do hope you go back to AA. People are not going to put you down. They will say welcome back and mean it!

[Cathy31]

Originally Posted by BeachAngel

I just tried to lay down in bed to go to sleep and all I can think about is another drink because I did not have enough tonight. I ran out because I put limitations on myself tonight in an attempt to control this craziness.....

I did this always too...it really turned into living in a nightmare.

AA has worked for me and everyone I know who has 'worked' it : meetings, sponsor, stepwork, higher power, service.

Go back to it...this craziness can end and yo uCAN live a life beyond your wild est d reams, it i s there for the taking - know that you are worth it!

cathy31
x

[NOMOMERLOTMAMMA]

Welcome!

I can so identify with what you have posted. I was a wine drinker too, and the way you have described your life reminds me so much of the way I was..

And, if I can gently say, I bet your daughter knows more than you think. I have two kids myself. They know hon.

Having a problem with alcohol doesn't make you a bad or immoral person. It makes you an alcoholic. If you could stop drinking on high morals alone, well, you wouldn't be drinking now would you?

Go back to AA. It will help you change your life..and you will get nothing but warm "welcome back". Get some numbers. Try to identify with the shares..

You can do this.

Karen

[51anna]

Welcome!

We are all good people here, who get caught up in addiction. I was totally shocked when I realized that I was addicted to alcohol. How could that have happened? It did. And, I couldn't imagine getting through life without drinking either. It was miserable.

The good news is that you can stop drinking. I am not an AA person, but I know it works for many. Try changing your evening routines. Instead of coming home from work and opening the wine, go for a long walk with your daughter or take a class, or call someone - basically do anything that will take your mind off drinking for a few minutes. You can do this!

[CarolD]

Glad you are here with us...
Welcome!

Here are excerpts from the book
that convinced me to finally quit drinking

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html (Excerpts from "Under The Influence")

I took that info...re-connected to God and AA
have not had another drink since "89.

Here is an interesting link on sleeping problems

Insomnia? 41 Simple Tips to Help You Get to Sleep - Insomnia treatment, cures

Blessings to you and your daughter

[Rowan]

Hi and welcome,

I'm on my own with a daughter who will soon turn 13. My eldest girl will soon be 16 and lives with her father. I haven't seen her in over three years. I drank after the girls were in bed and didn't think they were affected, but they were. I wasn't emotionally available for them.

I couldn't imagine living without alcohol. In the end, I stayed at home and drank a bottle of wine before bed. It was my 'reward' at the end of a long day. It soothed me, and helped me to sleep.

I went to AA and filled my time with meetings. What a painful time! It was difficult giving up my friend alcohol but - turns out I found better friends in AA.

Many choose to get sober without AA - there are other recovery programs out there - but Alcoholics Anonymous is what worked for me.

Today I can call myself a terrific mom. And yes, I trust that my eldest will see this and one day forgive her mother for having the disease of alcoholism. I did my best at the time, I really did.

There is no shame in being an alcoholic. It's not your fault.

I'm so glad you found us and that you shared your story.

[Freedom1990]

When I first entered the rooms of AA, I knew I had a problem with drugs, but I wasn't so sure about alcohol. However, I had seen my then husband go through a 30 day rehab, go right back to the drinking/drugs and it scared me badly enough I was determined to keep an open mind about possibly being an alcoholic.

Bottom line is I did stay sober for 4 years, but I stopped doing many of the things that had kept me sober that 4 years. My alcoholic brain told me I could just go out one night and have a heck of a good time, get smashed, and hop right back into AA.

Guess what? I failed miserably. I was out there researching again for 2 months before I drug myself back into AA.

I was never a daily drinker. I never had blackouts until I drank again, and the second time I drank, I drove myself home, hit the back wall of the garage and smashed my daughter's bike. I didn't remember any of it the next morning.

I never had a DUI, I never went to jail, I was never homeless, I never lost a job.

None of that has anything to do with whether I am an alcoholic or not.

Today I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am indeed an alcoholic.

I know very few people in AA who got it the first time around. I certainly wasn't one of them.

I am my own worst critic, and when I walked back into AA, they welcomed me with open arms.

Don't sell yourself short. Grab recovery and learn a whole new way to live that will bring you more blessings in your life than you ever thought possible

[Lily]

Dear BeachAngel,

Please do not allow what other in AA may think to make your decision about returning there. Time marches on a few ppl may remember you, but only for a brief moment would they even think anything, except welcome! (besides it is all about ourselves, right? HAHA)

To me it seems you do have a problem. I had a very similar problem myself. Mine was prescription drugs. I never smoked unless I was taking them! I was hiding from my husband and boys having a cig. late at night on the front porch! HAHA

I would like to challenge you to go back to AA. Heck, I returned bawling one time after a relapse. Now I have over 5 months clean. YAY! I am sooo much happier, my relationship with my husband, and kids is sooo much better! Plus, I FEEL FREE! I am no longer in bondage to a chemical. It is invigorating!

Just go in introduce yourself and scope it out and ask some ladies for their numbers and try to find a sponsor. My first sponsor was AA, but now I am working w/ a NA sponsor, but I still go to a candlelight meeting in AA on Sat. nights. Mostly NA though.

remember, you are only as sick as your secrets.

blessings, Sheila

[lightseeker]

Welcome -

Your story is so similar to mine. What I found is that I knew that I needed to quit drinking and I also found that I wasn't able to do it alone. I went to AA, quit, and then returned for real about 5 months later (after a big binge). I've not had black outs either, had a DWI, had a wreck, been arrested, lost a job due to alcohol but they are all yets. I got it that I was at the end of the road. Once I began to listen to the similarities instead of all the ways that I was convincing myself that I wasn't "one of them" I realized that I definitely have a warm seat in AA. Please don't feel funny about going back. I am always filled with gratitude when someone goes out and then is able to find their way back in. There is no shame - many people have to keep trying the alcohol thing many times before they are convinced that they are powerless. Like you - there have been times that I was able to control my drinking. But - it is always a matter of time before I don't. That is for sure. I just couldn't risk it any longer. Kids are smarter than we think. Even if your daughter doesn't know how much you are drinking she is still aware of the behaviors that she sees in you. Remember, alcohol is but a symptom - the true disease is a sickness of the spirit. I sure was glad to finally realize that AA was a great place for me to learn to live live on it's own terms.

Keep coming back! Hugs

[arieswoman]

Count me in the club of former nightly wine drinking single mothers! After a long hard day at work, coming home to parenti