i feel cheated

[wishIsedNO]

i know most of you are gonna be like its good for me that i might not be in a relationship anymore..But for me rite now i dont feel that way...ive been with this guy for 3 years..we use to be running buddies but for the past 2 years we've been in recovery...im the one who got us there cause i came down with endocarditis..from using the same needle all the time and not cleaning my skin before booting up..anyways its an infection in your heart valves for u guys who dont know about it..My doc told me if i dont stop using the way i was i'd be dead at the age of 25 and im sorry, i just couldnt go that far..So at the time i was living with my bf at his dads out in NJ..im originally from NYC..so i went home and told him if he wants to be with me he gots to be clean..cause i love dope too much to not use if i see it..So after a month..he showed back up and got into a methadone clinic as i was already in one..i feel i might of forced him into getting clean when he wasnt ready..cause for the past 8 months hes been struggling with a pill habit..he thinks cause he aint using dope its ok..but after 6 hospitalization from trying to quite on his own and getting seizures cause of it and like 4 detoxs..he finallys says hes realizing its outta control, and its just as bad as going back to dope...so hes check into another detox..But with all the stress i had with his use..and with my dads drinking problems and my other demons that plague my mind..i relapsed..it was more like a binge for 2 weeks..I believe in honesty so i told him what i was going through..but because hes already a jealous person by nature..and with him coming off the pills which make him even more paranoid..he got extremely mad..which i was angry and upset about cause i was like why should he be mad when ive stood by him all these months while i stood straight..plus his in a detox rite now..so out of everyone he should know how hard it is to stay clean especially since he knows what i deal with, he sed he forgave me and was happy i was honest..but then all of a sudden when i called hes detox last saturday i guess he told the people there to lie and say he was transfered to another floor..which is stupid cause ive been to that dtox in the past in my own active days..so i know their aint another floor..so on saturday i thought maybe he needs some space..so i gave him some but now 5 days later and no phone call except one time that he called and hung up..so i tried to call again but again they lied and sed there was no one by that name there..i know hes still there cause hes mom told me he was..so i was like fine he wants it that way then fine..but im pissed cause he cant be man enough to say lisiten i need space ill talk to you when i get out in a week..but no he gots to make me look like a fool...i could imagine just the things he told the other patients there that are lying for him about me,.. but hey i know what kinda of person i am..and i know i made a mistake but at least i was adult enough to be true to him..instead of him which he lied and lied about hes pill use until he had a seizure in my arms when we were walking home..you could only imagine how scared and angry i was at him then...But ritr now i just wanna hear his voice i know i should just forget it and move on if hes gonna treat me like that..but im the type i need closure..and when im with someone especially as long as ive been with him..i completely am loyal and loving...so to lose them hurts..especially when they give no explanation..i know im sure he will call when he gets out..but the wait is so annoying and im afraid he might never call cause he told me before he went in that when he breaks up with someone or leaves someone he just puts them outta of his mind..Even with his own father..hes completely ignored his calls and everything for a year and he dont feel nuthing about it..i know you guys will say u better without him..but i love him and i know he has a very loving side and sweet one..its just these pills that make him horrible...im hoping this place will get him the help he needs and hopefully when he gets out he will be his old wonderful self..Even if we still break up i only wish him the best...

[SkyIsFalling42]

Wish
Maybe he has lost himself and needs time right now. Sometimes we need to cut the activities, and such out. This we need to do in order to get through the minutes, hours or days. Just hanging on by a thin thread.
Please give this some time, breath, re think. It didnt sound like you had a definate reason why you are being told this..maybe it is something that just needs to be for right now..be patient and focus on your wonderful recovery..as you want to have that if and when he does call.

Love in spirit
Sky

[Paulie]

Even if we still break up i only wish him the best...

Hi Wish -

I am not going to say if you should or should not be with him, that is not for me to say. What I am going to say is that your quote above is what is important. No matter what you should wish the best for him and he should wish the best for you.

I know it is not easy, but just try to take it one day at a time focusing on your program and give it some time.

Being hurt for the way he is treating you is totally normal and you are allowed to feel your feelings, that is something that I had to learn in recovery, that I am allowed to feel my feelings. So be angry, be hurt, just don't let it get in the way of your program.

[Juls]

Hey Wish,

There's alot of emotional stuff going on between you and your bf right now. It's easy to get wrapped up in things like that because that has been and is a big part of your life.

However, if you can mentally put it on hold and think about crossing that bridge when you come to it, and stay focused on yourself, it might make it easier to deal with.

Just a suggestion.

Juls

[myles1]

Hi,

How he is behaving isn't right but I don't think you can expect much more from an active user who is in rehab right now.

I say don't bother calling him and take care of yourself. You'll get your closure sometime don't worry about that. In fact if you want to help yourself towards closure look at how you are being treated right now and ask yourself if you deserve that?

Ngaire

[wishIsedNO]

It's been much help hearing u guys support..I finally heard from him two days ago..And i feel alil stupid..he was moved to another floor of the hospital cause he got a high fever..Even though im still upset about how he reacted to me telling him about my recent troubles..i now understand why i havent heard from him...i feel guilty to jumping the gun..i guess im still scarred from other times in my life when guys werent nice and did just disappear outta my life after i did so much for them, and them swearing they loved me..It's hard for me to think postive when all thats happened in my life till now been negative..But im trying and learning..Baby steps rite..Me and him are still on shacky ground hes coming home tomorrow..so now the real test begins..Will he or wont he use..that is the question..I pray that this time he wont..those pills just really have done their damage on him..i really think he body and mind couldnt handle another run..
Anyways..about me for a change..im hanging in there..I did pick up two days ago..the nite i came home to a message from my man..its not b/c pf him its alotta insercuties..and anger tpwards my dad..hes drinking a whole lot..and i never seen him quite like this i was always busy with my own addiction to see his..and now i do i wish i didnt..its ugly to me..he is my father hes suppose to be my role model..How can my mom say no drugs in the house but yes to my dad being a slobbery, stinking, evil, drunk??im confused..and desperatly trying to hand on to my recovery that i thought i never could acomplish..i know what using will lead to..i dont know if i have the energy..well thanx again everyone..it helps to see others understand me it makes me feel like im not the only crazy junkie around..

[wakowife]

hey you!! just sent you a private e-mail because i hadn't heard from you in awhile and i was getting worried, dont know the whole story about what's going on with you, but you know that if you need me i'm here for you, as far as the relationship between you and your dad, i think it's a door that you have to close for now and keep it that way until you are stronger and able to handle your own issues. as far as your mom goes, yo said it yourself she's fromt he old school and she will stand by him no matter what, my mom was the same way, my dad was running around on her with one of her own friends and yet my mom lived in complete denial about the whole thing, and when she finally admitted what he was doing she took a bottle of valium and tried to commit suscide, she thought that he would come home because of that. instead he finally moved out all together ( nothing lost) married a prostitute who had 3 daughters from 3 different men and he lives in Phoenix Arizona, he still makes promises that he has no intention on keeping, like when my mom passed away he told me he was flying up, then he said he didn't have the oney for a flight so he was sending flowers ( gee they never arrived either) he didn't even bother to send a mass card. then i spoke to him before i went in for surgery, he promised to call me that night to find out how i made out, i had the surgery in the beginning of March, i heard from his wife about 2 weeks ago to tell me how sick my dad is, and that he probably isn't going to make it thru the next 6 months. am i supposed to feel sorry for him? i'm not laying all of this on you, what i'm trying to tell you is that you cant change your dad or your mom the only person that you can change is you, that has to be your first priority or else if you let all these other things get in your way your not ever going to find peace within yourself and that is going to lead you right back out there my friend.

stay tought and please e-mail me and we can talk in detail
Bernadette