thoughts please - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 06-27-2008, 03:17 PM

Needless to say, at almost 44 years old, I have a few old lovers in my life. A few of them I have managed to stay friends with. My partner doesn't like it.

Now, when I say friends, I mean keep in touch friends. I rarely see the two men that I've kept in touch with, and my exH of course I have a more daily relationship with. (we have two kids together).

One of these men, a relationship that spans a good 25 years or so, has recently reached out to me regarding his life and drinking. We generally keep in touch via email every few months or so. Well, last night he called. He wants to go to AA. He knows that I'm involved with it. He needs support.

I spoke to him in front of my partner. I have no need to hide anything.

Well, she wasn't happy.

My problem is this: do I remove this friend from my life? Or do I not. Does it matter that he was my lover in the past and therefore, hands off? If it bothers my partner so much, wouldn't the right thing to do be to end this friendship?

I appreciate any thoughts from you ladies..

Thanks.

Sugah · 06-27-2008, 03:26 PM

How about giving him the numbers of some of the men in AA, Karen?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

**51anna** · 06-27-2008, 03:27 PM

That's a tough one because I know how hard it would be to turn away anyone who asked for help with this awful disease. And, I expect it must have been hard for this man to reach out because most of us find that difficult in the beginning. But, of course you have to consider your partner's feelings. I wonder why your partner feels threatened. That's something to think about. I know that if it was me - I have an ex who I have been in contact with a few times over the years - my husband wouldn't object. But, then again, I'm not sure how involved I would want to get with my ex. That's another question, isn't it?

Well, you asked for thoughts and that's all I'm giving, no advice.

bugsworth · 06-27-2008, 03:37 PM

I agree with Anna, it is a rock and hard place kinda situation...maybe like Sugah said direct him to some men in the program. Just my thoughts, best of luck to you and your ex.

DSodaNow · 06-27-2008, 03:40 PM

If it were me, I would extend my hand to him in this initial step towards sobriety. I think your partner should be understanding. Once he is comfortable in AA and has more contacts you could start to back off again.

Just my thoughts.

chiynita · 06-27-2008, 04:19 PM

Well if your partner is anything like a couple of mine have been. Women can be alot more possessive than men. Alot more jealous and sensitive.
So even tho it seems like a harsh thing to do. But maybe like Sug said. Point the way and leave well enough alone.
Dont need to rock any boats at home.
but thats just me.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 06-27-2008, 05:53 PM

I'd just like to help him get started. I wish my partner felt a bit more secure..but this is how she feels and I respect that.

I plan on calling a few of my men friends from the rooms and ask them to meet us at Tuesday's meeting.

Thanks, it helped to get outsiders views.

TTOSBT · 06-27-2008, 05:58 PM

Could the jealously come from the fact that this ex-lover is a man?
I would reassure her with the fact that he is an Ex for a reason, she is the here and now. Then I might remind her that the 12th step is important to your recovery as well.
Other than that, I think you are doing exactly the right thing. take him to a meeting and introduce him to some quality men in recovery

Fluttering · 06-28-2008, 07:02 AM

Merlo

I've been where you are and it can be a tough one

I agree with the others
sending many hugs

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 06-28-2008, 11:11 AM

I often wish that my ability to express myself was more clear and refined. If she could see into my heart, there would be no worries.

Having a stupendous day today!!!

Sugah · 06-28-2008, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I often wish that my ability to express myself was more clear and refined. If she could see into my heart, there would be no worries.

Having a stupendous day today!!!

Amen, and superb!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

***indigo*** · 06-29-2008, 01:22 AM

Yes I think jmo that maybe your partner might be feeling insecure because it's a man too. Can you give him some names of men who can help him and give her lot's of reassurance. We are all different when it comes to our comfort zones. Good luck
indie

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 06-29-2008, 08:40 AM

I am def going to pretty much drop his butt at the door, with my men friends standing there.

I care for him, but his sobriety is not worth my or A's unhappiness.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 07-01-2008, 03:21 PM

Well, my dear friend has decided that he isn't done yet. I'm sad, but we all know how it works..

TTOSBT · 07-01-2008, 03:39 PM

Oh, I am sorry about that

(off topic but what does your "A" stand for?) Is it her name or is it a title?

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA · 07-01-2008, 03:51 PM

A is the first letter of her name. But her title is "Angel".

lol

TTOSBT · 07-01-2008, 04:00 PM

lol. Sorry I had seem other people referring to their "A" and I wasn't sure what they were saying.
I did get the STBXAH (soon to be ex addict or alcoholic husband), AH (addict or alcoholic husband), etc. but was not sure the others...

06-27-2008, 03:17 PM	#1 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 1,681	thoughts please Needless to say, at almost 44 years old, I have a few old lovers in my life. A few of them I have managed to stay friends with. My partner doesn't like it. Now, when I say friends, I mean keep in touch friends. I rarely see the two men that I've kept in touch with, and my exH of course I have a more daily relationship with. (we have two kids together). One of these men, a relationship that spans a good 25 years or so, has recently reached out to me regarding his life and drinking. We generally keep in touch via email every few months or so. Well, last night he called. He wants to go to AA. He knows that I'm involved with it. He needs support. I spoke to him in front of my partner. I have no need to hide anything. Well, she wasn't happy. My problem is this: do I remove this friend from my life? Or do I not. Does it matter that he was my lover in the past and therefore, hands off? If it bothers my partner so much, wouldn't the right thing to do be to end this friendship? I appreciate any thoughts from you ladies.. Thanks.
	__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

06-27-2008, 03:26 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney, PA Posts: 1,992	How about giving him the numbers of some of the men in AA, Karen? Peace & Love, Sugah
	__________________ Oh, this old world keeps spinning round Its a wonder tall trees aint layin down There comes a time.

06-27-2008, 03:27 PM	#3 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 10,186	That's a tough one because I know how hard it would be to turn away anyone who asked for help with this awful disease. And, I expect it must have been hard for this man to reach out because most of us find that difficult in the beginning. But, of course you have to consider your partner's feelings. I wonder why your partner feels threatened. That's something to think about. I know that if it was me - I have an ex who I have been in contact with a few times over the years - my husband wouldn't object. But, then again, I'm not sure how involved I would want to get with my ex. That's another question, isn't it? Well, you asked for thoughts and that's all I'm giving, no advice.
	__________________ Anna "I don't know what the future is holding in store I don't know where Im going, Im not sure where Ive been Theres a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I don't need to see the end." John Denver

06-27-2008, 03:37 PM	#4 (permalink)
bugsworth Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 960	I agree with Anna, it is a rock and hard place kinda situation...maybe like Sugah said direct him to some men in the program. Just my thoughts, best of luck to you and your ex.
bugsworth Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 960

06-27-2008, 03:40 PM	#5 (permalink)
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 260	If it were me, I would extend my hand to him in this initial step towards sobriety. I think your partner should be understanding. Once he is comfortable in AA and has more contacts you could start to back off again. Just my thoughts.
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 260

06-27-2008, 04:19 PM	#6 (permalink)
chiynita Giving sober life a chance Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Clifton Park Posts: 4,227	Well if your partner is anything like a couple of mine have been. Women can be alot more possessive than men. Alot more jealous and sensitive. So even tho it seems like a harsh thing to do. But maybe like Sug said. Point the way and leave well enough alone. Dont need to rock any boats at home. but thats just me.
	__________________ "True Failure...Is When We Stop Trying." "When we long for a life without difficulty. Remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."

06-27-2008, 05:53 PM	#7 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 1,681	I'd just like to help him get started. I wish my partner felt a bit more secure..but this is how she feels and I respect that. I plan on calling a few of my men friends from the rooms and ask them to meet us at Tuesday's meeting. Thanks, it helped to get outsiders views.
	__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

06-27-2008, 05:58 PM	#8 (permalink)
TTOSBT To Thine Own Self Be True Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: So Cal Posts: 490	Could the jealously come from the fact that this ex-lover is a man? I would reassure her with the fact that he is an Ex for a reason, she is the here and now. Then I might remind her that the 12th step is important to your recovery as well. Other than that, I think you are doing exactly the right thing. take him to a meeting and introduce him to some quality men in recovery

06-28-2008, 07:02 AM	#9 (permalink)
Fluttering Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Fluttering About Posts: 2,620	Merlo I've been where you are and it can be a tough one I agree with the others sending many hugs
	__________________

06-28-2008, 11:11 AM	#10 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 1,681	I often wish that my ability to express myself was more clear and refined. If she could see into my heart, there would be no worries. Having a stupendous day today!!!
	__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

06-29-2008, 01:22 AM	#12 (permalink)
*indigo* Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 8,763	Yes I think jmo that maybe your partner might be feeling insecure because it's a man too. Can you give him some names of men who can help him and give her lot's of reassurance. We are all different when it comes to our comfort zones. Good luck indie
	__________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

06-29-2008, 08:40 AM	#13 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 1,681	I am def going to pretty much drop his butt at the door, with my men friends standing there. I care for him, but his sobriety is not worth my or A's unhappiness.
	__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

07-01-2008, 03:21 PM	#14 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 1,681	Well, my dear friend has decided that he isn't done yet. I'm sad, but we all know how it works..
	__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

07-01-2008, 03:39 PM	#15 (permalink)
TTOSBT To Thine Own Self Be True Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: So Cal Posts: 490	Oh, I am sorry about that (off topic but what does your "A" stand for?) Is it her name or is it a title?

07-01-2008, 03:51 PM	#16 (permalink)
NOMOMERLOTMAMMA No more merlot, more mamma Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Hills, Ct Posts: 1,681	A is the first letter of her name. But her title is "Angel". lol
	__________________ But I always think that the best way to know God is to love many things. ~Vincent van Gogh

07-01-2008, 05:06 PM	#18 (permalink)

07-01-2008, 04:00 PM	#17 (permalink)
TTOSBT To Thine Own Self Be True Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: So Cal Posts: 490	lol. Sorry I had seem other people referring to their "A" and I wasn't sure what they were saying. I did get the STBXAH (soon to be ex addict or alcoholic husband), AH (addict or alcoholic husband), etc. but was not sure the others...