having problems with my daughter - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

lostnalone95 · 06-25-2008, 12:11 PM

well the title of the thread says it all. i am having all kinds of problems with my 13 year old daughter. she is constantly lieing to me. and everytime i catch her in a lie i wash her mouth out with soap. and it just doesn't seem to be making any sort of an impression. i have also taken away her cell phone and grounded her from the computer. i have also had to punish her for opening up a myspace account which she is NOT allowed to have!!! she is driving me crazy!! any suggestions about what i should do!!!!!!!

Sugah · 06-25-2008, 12:26 PM

I don't know how effective the soap is. Maybe it worked in a time when unconditional respect was commanded and received from kids, but today? I think that kind of discipline just makes them more rebellious. Have you tried talking to her about it? The best way I've found to reach my kids is to give them the respect of listening to them, considering their feelings, and reinforcing my role as their mother - the woman who makes and enforces rules because it's best for them.

Above all, try to see if you're being consistent. Kids who find they can bend the rules sometimes will try to do it all the time.

Good luck. I got lucky as my daughter passed through thirteen. My sons, on the other hand....

Peace & Love,
Sugah

**51anna** · 06-25-2008, 12:53 PM

Hi Lost,

Personally, I strongly disagree with washing her mouth out with soap. I think there are far more effective ways of dealing with a problem. In my opinion, there is a reason that she is lying to you and I think you need to try to find out what the reason is. It could be that she's simply being a thirteen-year old and rebelling or she could be upset about things in her life. Talk to her and see if you can help.

lizw · 06-25-2008, 03:10 PM

I can understand your reasoning for doing this but in my country it would considered child abuse. And don't be offended because I do understand. I've felt this way inclined myself sometimes.

But I have a 13 year old daughter too and last week one of the her friends parents rang me to tell me that it was my daughters fault, his daughter was giving him merry hell. And of coursed I believed him. NOT.

I think the more controlling we become of our teenagers, the more they will rebel and it is our jobs to teach them to be responsible for themselves - there is a huge difference between teaching and controlling.

I have been told that we parent our kids how we were parented, so I am unsure what you're blue print for parenting is. My own is pretty crap as by the time I was the age my daughter is now, I'd already lived in 2 different 'state homes' with religous fanatics as house parents, because my parents couldn't deal with my behaviour.

And in hindsight my behaviour was no different to many other teens - it's my parents reactions that were screwed up.

I think there are a ton of books written about how to raise teens and I use the following slogans/tools (for myself).

- How important is it? Is the problem/issue happening with my daughter REALLY that important? Will I remember it in two weeks time/6months? If not it probably isn't that important.

- Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? My daughter will argue with me til she and I are blue in the face, so it's best not to even start. I just state my case and leave it at that.

- Detachment I try not to react because it is not worth it. In 5/10 years time this part of her life will be over. And she'll be a grown up, saying sorry to her mother for being a cow sometimes.

If I didn't go to Al Anon, I am unsure what or how I would be parenting my daughter. They have just been great for me regarding this kind of stuff.

anvilhead · 06-25-2008, 03:58 PM

teenagers should be shipped off to remote desert islands til they are 30!!! however, since we can't DO that, first thing to remember is that she IS 13.....confronting you, pushing her boundaries and a snotty attitude are sort of natural parts of this phase of development....as her body grows and changes, her perception of the world around her changes and she has yet to develop the skills necessary to deal with things adequately.

her acting out is a call to you - imagine she's blindfolded and running into the furniture and stumbling into walls, arms out, trying to SENSE her boundaries, trying to find the safe places - her call to you is, WHERE are my boundaries now? she needs to feel safe and accepted, but also to learn her limits.

IMHO, 13 is way too old for the soap thing. especially as a budding young woman, that has to feel very demeaning. she needs to know what conduct is expected of her, and what the consequences of violating that behavior is. taking away a privilige, like the cell phone, or computer time is an appropriate "take away" - she also needs the right to earn those things back as well.

you might want to ponder what else is going on her life that could be ramping up her negative behavior. are things ok at school? any recent sudden changes in your lives? is she getting enough sleep? is she involved in any sports or extra curricular activities? does she have too much "free, unsupervised" time?

more than anything, she needs to know you are THERE for her at all times and that you love her, no matter what.

Butterflywoman · 06-25-2008, 05:12 PM

I wish some of the books written now were out when my son was 13. I encourage you to READ, READ, READ.

kj3880 · 06-25-2008, 08:54 PM

****Going to give my opinion, feel free to disregard*****

Just to give you some hope--My little darling was into "straight-edge Goth" at 13, all black clothes, very against drinking and drugs, lots of weird music and eye-liner. I thought she was a little martian! And she flunked a year of high-school! Ewww. Well, fast forward to today, 7 years later, and we are as alike as two peas in a pod. We are truly best, best friends now she is 20. She gets straight A's at community college, has a lovely b/f, still doesn't drink or do drugs, and works at a bookstore for now. She is my main emotional support as I am hers when times are tough.

For my birthday yesterday she bought me a chocolate cake and 7 new shirts, as well as some jewelry. She constantly tells me how much she appreciated that I was a good mother to her. Having a daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me, but you couldn't have told me that when she was a 13-year old moody little monster.

I think, move the computer to where you can see it. Rethink the my-space thing. If done safely (only her friends know who her page is, and no sexy photos or racy lyrics to be posted!) it is today's version of the drive-in for hanging out on. According to my kids, it's the same as how we were on the phone all the time at that age. At least she has some friends, that's great! There is no-one getting drunk or pregnant while on line. You just need to monitor it. Really, I think they are all on that my-space thing. There are horror stories with everything, I know. But most kids use it harmlessly. My opinion (which you may discard it you like) is that they have to live a little too. I was pretty strict, but I let them choose their clothes as long as not too much skin was shown and nothing offensive displayed. And they had my-space, but I check it. Just like I would if they had friends over in the basement.

And maybe rethink physical punishment at this age. She may be too old for it. Can you talk to her? It seems hard but was so worth the connection my daughter and I forged.

Also, never make a rule you cannot enforce. It just won't work.
And remember, if all else fails...it's probably just a phase.
Good luck,
KJ

DSodaNow · 06-25-2008, 09:58 PM

I don't have kids, but I do have some thoughts on this. (This is my opinion, not trying to step on toes.)

The washing her mouth out with soap thing is inappropriate. I personally believe that physical punishment is ineffective. I understand a swat on the butt from about ages 2-5, but after that I really believe you are invading a personal space and boundary, one that will have long lasting effects on the child.

Are the lines of communication open between you and your daughter? Have you tried to calmly talk thru any of this with her or is your immediate response anger? I would really try to sit down and speak with her. Respect her and she will return it with respect to you.

The myspace thing. Have you thought about letting her create an account, but tie it to your email address? That way you always have the password and can change the password if you want to block.

just my thoughts...

***indigo*** · 06-26-2008, 10:51 AM

I had my mouth washed out with soap and water....it had the reverse effect on me, when I had my own children I talked with them, gained their confidence and told them that I understood how hard the growing up process is. Your daughter is jmo trying to find her feet and before you know it she'll be all grown up, good memories are the best one's although often enough the one's that stick are the ones where we felt humiliated.
Can you go hug your girl and have a heart to heart with her?.

Fluttering · 06-26-2008, 11:44 AM

Ah..the rebel... I was a rebel when trying to discover who I was..The soap had a reverse effect on me..The rebel became stronger... When I found someone that would listen..I discovered other copiong mechanisms...

Sometimes when what we are doing is not working it is time to try other means... maybe doing some fun things with her that will include ways of learning disipline and responsibility...Like possibly volunteering together to do something for another.. A girls club or going into nursing homes and doing something for the folks there..Who knows she may connect with one of tem and begin to enjoy it.. Try to thinnk outside of the box....I agree with the others..activiely taking the time to listen...then respond with empathy and with constructive ways of dealing with whatever she is feeing...

My sincere hope is that you find the peace you need

Butterflywoman · 06-26-2008, 05:45 PM

Problem children . . . been there; doing that. Be strong. Don't give up on her.

lilkim · 06-26-2008, 07:57 PM

Just be very careful of myspace. Mycrimespace is a site that kinda montiers crimes of myspace. It can give you an idea of what your dealing with.

Lily · 06-26-2008, 10:10 PM

Wow! You have gotten some really great advice. I do agree with KJ saying to let her have a myspace account, just have the password, or create your own and you can visit hers too! (I have a myspace, xanga and recently a facebook so I could keep in touch w/ my son while he was in college in Europe as well as my nieces in CA)

Also, the soap thing. The only thing the soap thing did for me is make me hate the smell of Zest soap. I will never buy or use it. I used to hate it when my mom did that.

About the lying....well, keep on calling her on it when you catch her. this can help prevent her from becoming a pathological liar someday. Perhaps she is lying to cover up some behavior you do not approve of. Try talking to her when neither of you are mad.

Pray for her, get some counseling, and remember like someone on here said, it is just a phase...in just 5 short years she could be gone. So keep on loving her but keep on being a mom. Listen to her when she wants to share and don't bombard her w/ questions when she first comes in the door, or she won't want to open up. unfortunately sometimes we have to just be available when they are ready to share w/ us.

blessings, Sheila

zoomer · 06-27-2008, 04:13 AM

When my daughter was 15 we had to put a PINS on her. It back fired and I was the one who got in trouble. My daughter was skipping school, out all night, taking drugs. When i was having trouble with her at 13, I sent her to her father's to live thinking he could do more for her. it was a mistake. If I delt with it then at age 13, she might of by passed the stage she went through,but who knows. We tried taking away the computer,the phones, grounding her and nothing worked. I had to step back from her when she was 16 after a court threw out the PINS. We tried Rehab, after care, probation... Nothing worked. Until I let her go. I did not give up on her,but I refused to give her money for anything and if she needed something I would go out an dbuy it and would not give her a dime. She grew up and I'm proud to say she is working now and today she is taking her GED. She no longer drinks or does hard drugs. I suspect she does smoke pot once in a while,but I look at the big picture and am greatful that "it's only pot" O ya, we did all kinds of therapy between 13 and 16. Sometimes kids have to grow out of the stages they are into. I think cutting off her money supply was the biggest and best thing I ever did. She use to steal money all the time too and I had to carry my purse when she was around and we put the medication in a locked box. I never believed a word she said because a lie would always come out of her mouth. Becareful of the internet. My daughter was posting pictures on a web site that was all about cutting them selves and I was horrified at the pictures. My daughter is a computer wiz and she could hide things from us. Make sure that if she does go on the computer you have parental controls and please use the age approprate controls. We thought because my daughter was more mature than the rest of the kids she could go on the adult settings, it was a mistake! Do police her on the computer. Freedom is not free,but earned. Again becareful when seeking help. Putting soap in the mouth is considered abuse and so is spanking now days. In todays world they look at the parents for the child's behavior. I'v read all your post and know that your kids have it hard with the divorce, not having a natural dad, living with a grandparent that is older and can't handle the kids and being poor. I'm not blaming, just pointing out why the 13 year old may be acting out. Try getting her involved in a church group. I know if I had to do it all over again I'd make my kids go to church and church activities. It may not be a cure all,but it can't hurt and it's free. My daughter acted out for many different reasons. She had a St. Father she could not stand and they would always fight. I was messed up and she saw me being messed up half her life and she was ADHD needing the excitment. Once you find the resaons why your daughter is acting out,you can address the issues. They are not exscuses for there is no excuse for lying,but it will help you better understand your daughter. I just made amends to my daughter and we talked about things. It's not easy looking at yourself and finding your faults,but if it helps your child then it's worth it.

Butterflywoman · 06-27-2008, 03:30 PM

What is PINS?

Toomutch · 06-27-2008, 03:35 PM

I agree with being careful about myspace. I allowed my daughter to get one, I have the password and I check it often.

zoomer · 06-28-2008, 05:47 AM

PINS is what you put on a younger person under the age of 18 by the court. It stands for Persons In Need of Supervision.

expenguin · 06-28-2008, 08:23 AM

WOW.... sounds like you need to spend some quality time with you daughter and talk.....do nothing but talk and find out what is really going on in her head......

but that is only one thing to try.....

my kid is only 8 and there are times when I wish I had no kids...

You could try to keep you kid busy with swimming or something so she has no free time for a long time.... But that is only something that may not work...

We all have suggestions and some work while others don't...

The cell phone and computer thing isn't good for kids as they rely on it and think the money comes out of the trees to pay for all they want.....

Make your kids work outside and plant a garden or something.....

I have loads of ideas to give and yet not sure what kind of place you live in....

Sounds like your daughter has too much time to get in trouble and do what she wants..........Not good.......

Hang in there and know that I am praying for you .....

lovingseren · 06-28-2008, 05:57 PM

Just my two cents...

The good news is that you are sober/clean.

Take some time and spend lots of time with your daughter....get to know her and let her know you. Find hobbies you can share...go bowling...go to garage sales. The mutual respect will blossom.

No child that age needs a cell phone...sorry...and computer should be in the living room just for homework, and One hour a week for email.

Throw out the soap.....it is child abuse.

Time and effort will be well worth it in the end.

Good Luck to both of you.

Seren

lostnalone95 · 06-29-2008, 08:29 AM

well everybody has really good advice....and just for the record i have tried talking to her and all i get as a response is "i don't know" or "just because" or "it wasn't me" those are her 3 favorite answers!!! we did have a mother daughter day last week and it was a good day but we didn't do any talking about the big issues.....i guess i didn't want to spoil the first calm we've had in weeks. but i'm going to talk to to her on tuesday afternoon.....that way i will have a chance to sleep off the inevietable migraine i know this talk is going to cause. but anyway........she gets her cell phone back on monday.....we'll see how long that lasts......last time she had it back for 3 days before i took it away again. she's still grounded from the computer for another 2 weeks......still really pi$$ed off about the myspace thing!!!! well gotta run...i'm at work and my client is calling me!!!

rachel

expenguin · 06-29-2008, 01:11 PM

I think the cell phone is a bad thing to give back this soon....would have thought about waiting till summer was over...but that is my opinion....

As for the computer.....NOT GOING THERE.... sometimes the computer is a bad thing to let teens on especially with all the problems going on....

I don't let my kid get on the computer.....she does that at school with all the class assignments that need to be done and that is it.... was the safe thing for me to consider for the monent...

Take it one day at a time........Stay sober and clean for today.... I will pray that your kid will listen to you and realize you are right.... Besides you pay the bills and she doesn't for now I would think............

Good luck and know that I am thinking of you both for today......

Try getting yourself a Teddy Bear to Hug during the bad times with your daughter and let the tears out....

Get your daughter a Teddy Bear as a special gift and try writing her a note attaching it to the bear is special and tell her how much you really care about her . Sometimes a note of how she was when little helps sort out the trouble.... along with how she has changed over the years... Kids like to read stories about how they were like growing up and what is like for their parents to raise them....... and what it is like being a parent....

My dad did this for me to show how hard it was day to day not knowing if I was going to live through the first couple days of my life...... kinda scary for a parent.....

I still have the note my dad wrote when I was a teenager... I am now an adult with my own family and my dad is gone to a better place.... I miss him and the talks we had.. He understood me when things seemed wrong in my life...

Anyway......Hugs to you today.......

Little Penguin

lostnalone95 · 07-02-2008, 05:50 PM

well my daughter and i had a very long talk tonight about her lying. and as usual i got the expected answers. "i don't know why i lie, because" etc. well i explained to her that when she lies to me she just gets herself into more trouble than is she would have just told me the truth in the first place. then i explained to her that i have been talking to some friends and have come up with some new and creative ways to punish her. one being to remove the bed from her room and make her sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. another is to take her cousin to the carrie underwood concert instead of her. well that got the waterworks turned on. i also explained that until she earned back my trust there would be no more mother daughter days where we go to the movies and go shopping and etc. the most we would do for mother daughter time is pick a movie here at home and watch it together here. and that drew tears too. she doesn't think that is fair...and i explained that i am not going to reward bad behavior and that lying to me is bad behavior. so we'll see how these new "punishments" work and see if the lying stops. i also explained to her that each time that she lies to me that i am very disappointed in her and that now she has to earn my trust back because i no longer trust her. well i guess that is all for now. rachel

06-25-2008, 12:11 PM	#1 (permalink)
lostnalone95 found NOT lost Join Date: May 2006 Location: a happier place than before!!!! Posts: 894	having problems with my daughter well the title of the thread says it all. i am having all kinds of problems with my 13 year old daughter. she is constantly lieing to me. and everytime i catch her in a lie i wash her mouth out with soap. and it just doesn't seem to be making any sort of an impression. i have also taken away her cell phone and grounded her from the computer. i have also had to punish her for opening up a myspace account which she is NOT allowed to have!!! she is driving me crazy!! any suggestions about what i should do!!!!!!! __________________ not so lost and definitely not so alone anymore!!!!! SR ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! riding the coaster for FUN now!!!!!!

06-25-2008, 12:26 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sugah Om, Aum, Ohm... Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh Posts: 2,346	I don't know how effective the soap is. Maybe it worked in a time when unconditional respect was commanded and received from kids, but today? I think that kind of discipline just makes them more rebellious. Have you tried talking to her about it? The best way I've found to reach my kids is to give them the respect of listening to them, considering their feelings, and reinforcing my role as their mother - the woman who makes and enforces rules because it's best for them. Above all, try to see if you're being consistent. Kids who find they can bend the rules sometimes will try to do it all the time. Good luck. I got lucky as my daughter passed through thirteen. My sons, on the other hand.... Peace & Love, Sugah __________________ I don't know what happens when people die Can't seem to grasp it as hard as I try It's like a song I can hear playing right in my ear That I can't sing I can't help listening ~JB

06-25-2008, 12:53 PM	#3 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 11,160	Hi Lost, Personally, I strongly disagree with washing her mouth out with soap. I think there are far more effective ways of dealing with a problem. In my opinion, there is a reason that she is lying to you and I think you need to try to find out what the reason is. It could be that she's simply being a thirteen-year old and rebelling or she could be upset about things in her life. Talk to her and see if you can help. __________________ Anna "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Maya Angelou

06-25-2008, 03:10 PM	#4 (permalink)
lizw God's Kid Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: New Zealand Posts: 1,240	Stay away from the soap I can understand your reasoning for doing this but in my country it would considered child abuse. And don't be offended because I do understand. I've felt this way inclined myself sometimes. But I have a 13 year old daughter too and last week one of the her friends parents rang me to tell me that it was my daughters fault, his daughter was giving him merry hell. And of coursed I believed him. NOT. I think the more controlling we become of our teenagers, the more they will rebel and it is our jobs to teach them to be responsible for themselves - there is a huge difference between teaching and controlling. I have been told that we parent our kids how we were parented, so I am unsure what you're blue print for parenting is. My own is pretty crap as by the time I was the age my daughter is now, I'd already lived in 2 different 'state homes' with religous fanatics as house parents, because my parents couldn't deal with my behaviour. And in hindsight my behaviour was no different to many other teens - it's my parents reactions that were screwed up. I think there are a ton of books written about how to raise teens and I use the following slogans/tools (for myself). - How important is it? Is the problem/issue happening with my daughter REALLY that important? Will I remember it in two weeks time/6months? If not it probably isn't that important. - Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? My daughter will argue with me til she and I are blue in the face, so it's best not to even start. I just state my case and leave it at that. - Detachment I try not to react because it is not worth it. In 5/10 years time this part of her life will be over. And she'll be a grown up, saying sorry to her mother for being a cow sometimes. If I didn't go to Al Anon, I am unsure what or how I would be parenting my daughter. They have just been great for me regarding this kind of stuff. __________________ ....blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.

06-25-2008, 05:12 PM	#6 (permalink)
Butterflywoman Love Addict and Alcoholic Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: California Posts: 143	I wish some of the books written now were out when my son was 13. I encourage you to READ, READ, READ. __________________ Recovery means doing the right thing even if we don't want to . . . one day at a time.

06-25-2008, 03:58 PM	#5 (permalink)
anvilhead Honorary Cheesehead Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Western Washington Posts: 7,115	teenagers should be shipped off to remote desert islands til they are 30!!! however, since we can't DO that, first thing to remember is that she IS 13.....confronting you, pushing her boundaries and a snotty attitude are sort of natural parts of this phase of development....as her body grows and changes, her perception of the world around her changes and she has yet to develop the skills necessary to deal with things adequately. her acting out is a call to you - imagine she's blindfolded and running into the furniture and stumbling into walls, arms out, trying to SENSE her boundaries, trying to find the safe places - her call to you is, WHERE are my boundaries now? she needs to feel safe and accepted, but also to learn her limits. IMHO, 13 is way too old for the soap thing. especially as a budding young woman, that has to feel very demeaning. she needs to know what conduct is expected of her, and what the consequences of violating that behavior is. taking away a privilige, like the cell phone, or computer time is an appropriate "take away" - she also needs the right to earn those things back as well. you might want to ponder what else is going on her life that could be ramping up her negative behavior. are things ok at school? any recent sudden changes in your lives? is she getting enough sleep? is she involved in any sports or extra curricular activities? does she have too much "free, unsupervised" time? more than anything, she needs to know you are THERE for her at all times and that you love her, no matter what.

06-25-2008, 08:54 PM	#7 (permalink)
kj3880 Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: md Posts: 1,398	**Going to give my opinion, feel free to disregard*** Just to give you some hope--My little darling was into "straight-edge Goth" at 13, all black clothes, very against drinking and drugs, lots of weird music and eye-liner. I thought she was a little martian! And she flunked a year of high-school! Ewww. Well, fast forward to today, 7 years later, and we are as alike as two peas in a pod. We are truly best, best friends now she is 20. She gets straight A's at community college, has a lovely b/f, still doesn't drink or do drugs, and works at a bookstore for now. She is my main emotional support as I am hers when times are tough. For my birthday yesterday she bought me a chocolate cake and 7 new shirts, as well as some jewelry. She constantly tells me how much she appreciated that I was a good mother to her. Having a daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me, but you couldn't have told me that when she was a 13-year old moody little monster. I think, move the computer to where you can see it. Rethink the my-space thing. If done safely (only her friends know who her page is, and no sexy photos or racy lyrics to be posted!) it is today's version of the drive-in for hanging out on. According to my kids, it's the same as how we were on the phone all the time at that age. At least she has some friends, that's great! There is no-one getting drunk or pregnant while on line. You just need to monitor it. Really, I think they are all on that my-space thing. There are horror stories with everything, I know. But most kids use it harmlessly. My opinion (which you may discard it you like) is that they have to live a little too. I was pretty strict, but I let them choose their clothes as long as not too much skin was shown and nothing offensive displayed. And they had my-space, but I check it. Just like I would if they had friends over in the basement. And maybe rethink physical punishment at this age. She may be too old for it. Can you talk to her? It seems hard but was so worth the connection my daughter and I forged. Also, never make a rule you cannot enforce. It just won't work. And remember, if all else fails...it's probably just a phase. Good luck, KJ

06-25-2008, 09:58 PM	#8 (permalink)
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 429	I don't have kids, but I do have some thoughts on this. (This is my opinion, not trying to step on toes.) The washing her mouth out with soap thing is inappropriate. I personally believe that physical punishment is ineffective. I understand a swat on the butt from about ages 2-5, but after that I really believe you are invading a personal space and boundary, one that will have long lasting effects on the child. Are the lines of communication open between you and your daughter? Have you tried to calmly talk thru any of this with her or is your immediate response anger? I would really try to sit down and speak with her. Respect her and she will return it with respect to you. The myspace thing. Have you thought about letting her create an account, but tie it to your email address? That way you always have the password and can change the password if you want to block. just my thoughts...

06-26-2008, 10:51 AM	#9 (permalink)
*indigo* Community Greeter Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Mid-Life Express Posts: 9,146	I had my mouth washed out with soap and water....it had the reverse effect on me, when I had my own children I talked with them, gained their confidence and told them that I understood how hard the growing up process is. Your daughter is jmo trying to find her feet and before you know it she'll be all grown up, good memories are the best one's although often enough the one's that stick are the ones where we felt humiliated. Can you go hug your girl and have a heart to heart with her?. __________________ When you judge others, you do not define them, you define yourself." Namasté

06-26-2008, 11:44 AM	#10 (permalink)
Fluttering Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Fluttering About Posts: 2,710	Ah..the rebel... I was a rebel when trying to discover who I was..The soap had a reverse effect on me..The rebel became stronger... When I found someone that would listen..I discovered other copiong mechanisms... Sometimes when what we are doing is not working it is time to try other means... maybe doing some fun things with her that will include ways of learning disipline and responsibility...Like possibly volunteering together to do something for another.. A girls club or going into nursing homes and doing something for the folks there..Who knows she may connect with one of tem and begin to enjoy it.. Try to thinnk outside of the box....I agree with the others..activiely taking the time to listen...then respond with empathy and with constructive ways of dealing with whatever she is feeing... My sincere hope is that you find the peace you need __________________

06-26-2008, 05:45 PM	#11 (permalink)
Butterflywoman Love Addict and Alcoholic Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: California Posts: 143	Problem children . . . been there; doing that. Be strong. Don't give up on her. __________________ Recovery means doing the right thing even if we don't want to . . . one day at a time.

06-26-2008, 07:57 PM	#12 (permalink)
lilkim Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: raytown,mo Posts: 107	Just be very careful of myspace. Mycrimespace is a site that kinda montiers crimes of myspace. It can give you an idea of what your dealing with.

06-26-2008, 10:10 PM	#13 (permalink)
Lily Ephesians 2:8 and 9 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: USA Posts: 1,284 Blog Entries: 3	Wow! You have gotten some really great advice. I do agree with KJ saying to let her have a myspace account, just have the password, or create your own and you can visit hers too! (I have a myspace, xanga and recently a facebook so I could keep in touch w/ my son while he was in college in Europe as well as my nieces in CA) Also, the soap thing. The only thing the soap thing did for me is make me hate the smell of Zest soap. I will never buy or use it. I used to hate it when my mom did that. About the lying....well, keep on calling her on it when you catch her. this can help prevent her from becoming a pathological liar someday. Perhaps she is lying to cover up some behavior you do not approve of. Try talking to her when neither of you are mad. Pray for her, get some counseling, and remember like someone on here said, it is just a phase...in just 5 short years she could be gone. So keep on loving her but keep on being a mom. Listen to her when she wants to share and don't bombard her w/ questions when she first comes in the door, or she won't want to open up. unfortunately sometimes we have to just be available when they are ready to share w/ us. blessings, Sheila

06-27-2008, 04:13 AM	#14 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,356	When my daughter was 15 we had to put a PINS on her. It back fired and I was the one who got in trouble. My daughter was skipping school, out all night, taking drugs. When i was having trouble with her at 13, I sent her to her father's to live thinking he could do more for her. it was a mistake. If I delt with it then at age 13, she might of by passed the stage she went through,but who knows. We tried taking away the computer,the phones, grounding her and nothing worked. I had to step back from her when she was 16 after a court threw out the PINS. We tried Rehab, after care, probation... Nothing worked. Until I let her go. I did not give up on her,but I refused to give her money for anything and if she needed something I would go out an dbuy it and would not give her a dime. She grew up and I'm proud to say she is working now and today she is taking her GED. She no longer drinks or does hard drugs. I suspect she does smoke pot once in a while,but I look at the big picture and am greatful that "it's only pot" O ya, we did all kinds of therapy between 13 and 16. Sometimes kids have to grow out of the stages they are into. I think cutting off her money supply was the biggest and best thing I ever did. She use to steal money all the time too and I had to carry my purse when she was around and we put the medication in a locked box. I never believed a word she said because a lie would always come out of her mouth. Becareful of the internet. My daughter was posting pictures on a web site that was all about cutting them selves and I was horrified at the pictures. My daughter is a computer wiz and she could hide things from us. Make sure that if she does go on the computer you have parental controls and please use the age approprate controls. We thought because my daughter was more mature than the rest of the kids she could go on the adult settings, it was a mistake! Do police her on the computer. Freedom is not free,but earned. Again becareful when seeking help. Putting soap in the mouth is considered abuse and so is spanking now days. In todays world they look at the parents for the child's behavior. I'v read all your post and know that your kids have it hard with the divorce, not having a natural dad, living with a grandparent that is older and can't handle the kids and being poor. I'm not blaming, just pointing out why the 13 year old may be acting out. Try getting her involved in a church group. I know if I had to do it all over again I'd make my kids go to church and church activities. It may not be a cure all,but it can't hurt and it's free. My daughter acted out for many different reasons. She had a St. Father she could not stand and they would always fight. I was messed up and she saw me being messed up half her life and she was ADHD needing the excitment. Once you find the resaons why your daughter is acting out,you can address the issues. They are not exscuses for there is no excuse for lying,but it will help you better understand your daughter. I just made amends to my daughter and we talked about things. It's not easy looking at yourself and finding your faults,but if it helps your child then it's worth it.

06-27-2008, 03:30 PM	#15 (permalink)
Butterflywoman Love Addict and Alcoholic Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: California Posts: 143	What is PINS? __________________ Recovery means doing the right thing even if we don't want to . . . one day at a time.

06-27-2008, 03:35 PM	#16 (permalink)
Toomutch with a new light in my eyes Join Date: May 2007 Location: Littleton, Co. Posts: 2,235	I agree with being careful about myspace. I allowed my daughter to get one, I have the password and I check it often. __________________ Good friends are like stars..... You don't always see them, But you know they are always there

06-28-2008, 05:47 AM	#17 (permalink)
zoomer Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: It's raining again! Posts: 2,356	PINS is what you put on a younger person under the age of 18 by the court. It stands for Persons In Need of Supervision.

06-28-2008, 08:23 AM	#18 (permalink)
expenguin Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A place of special Dreams.... Posts: 2,124	WOW.... sounds like you need to spend some quality time with you daughter and talk.....do nothing but talk and find out what is really going on in her head...... but that is only one thing to try..... my kid is only 8 and there are times when I wish I had no kids... You could try to keep you kid busy with swimming or something so she has no free time for a long time.... But that is only something that may not work... We all have suggestions and some work while others don't... The cell phone and computer thing isn't good for kids as they rely on it and think the money comes out of the trees to pay for all they want..... Make your kids work outside and plant a garden or something..... I have loads of ideas to give and yet not sure what kind of place you live in.... Sounds like your daughter has too much time to get in trouble and do what she wants..........Not good....... Hang in there and know that I am praying for you ..... __________________ One day at a time.......Just for today..... Believe in yourself

06-28-2008, 05:57 PM	#19 (permalink)
lovingseren Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Vancouver BC Posts: 379	Just my two cents... The good news is that you are sober/clean. Take some time and spend lots of time with your daughter....get to know her and let her know you. Find hobbies you can share...go bowling...go to garage sales. The mutual respect will blossom. No child that age needs a cell phone...sorry...and computer should be in the living room just for homework, and One hour a week for email. Throw out the soap.....it is child abuse. Time and effort will be well worth it in the end. Good Luck to both of you. Seren __________________ My recovery program is Women For Sobriety WFS Sober since Oct 2003

06-29-2008, 08:29 AM	#20 (permalink)
lostnalone95 found NOT lost Join Date: May 2006 Location: a happier place than before!!!! Posts: 894	well everybody has really good advice....and just for the record i have tried talking to her and all i get as a response is "i don't know" or "just because" or "it wasn't me" those are her 3 favorite answers!!! we did have a mother daughter day last week and it was a good day but we didn't do any talking about the big issues.....i guess i didn't want to spoil the first calm we've had in weeks. but i'm going to talk to to her on tuesday afternoon.....that way i will have a chance to sleep off the inevietable migraine i know this talk is going to cause. but anyway........she gets her cell phone back on monday.....we'll see how long that lasts......last time she had it back for 3 days before i took it away again. she's still grounded from the computer for another 2 weeks......still really pi$$ed off about the myspace thing!!!! well gotta run...i'm at work and my client is calling me!!! rachel __________________ not so lost and definitely not so alone anymore!!!!! SR ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! riding the coaster for FUN now!!!!!!

06-29-2008, 01:11 PM	#21 (permalink)
expenguin Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: A place of special Dreams.... Posts: 2,124	I think the cell phone is a bad thing to give back this soon....would have thought about waiting till summer was over...but that is my opinion.... As for the computer.....NOT GOING THERE.... sometimes the computer is a bad thing to let teens on especially with all the problems going on.... I don't let my kid get on the computer.....she does that at school with all the class assignments that need to be done and that is it.... was the safe thing for me to consider for the monent... Take it one day at a time........Stay sober and clean for today.... I will pray that your kid will listen to you and realize you are right.... Besides you pay the bills and she doesn't for now I would think............ Good luck and know that I am thinking of you both for today...... Try getting yourself a Teddy Bear to Hug during the bad times with your daughter and let the tears out.... Get your daughter a Teddy Bear as a special gift and try writing her a note attaching it to the bear is special and tell her how much you really care about her . Sometimes a note of how she was when little helps sort out the trouble.... along with how she has changed over the years... Kids like to read stories about how they were like growing up and what is like for their parents to raise them....... and what it is like being a parent.... My dad did this for me to show how hard it was day to day not knowing if I was going to live through the first couple days of my life...... kinda scary for a parent..... I still have the note my dad wrote when I was a teenager... I am now an adult with my own family and my dad is gone to a better place.... I miss him and the talks we had.. He understood me when things seemed wrong in my life... Anyway......Hugs to you today....... Little Penguin __________________ One day at a time.......Just for today..... Believe in yourself Last edited by expenguin; 06-29-2008 at 01:27 PM.

07-02-2008, 05:50 PM	#22 (permalink)
lostnalone95 found NOT lost Join Date: May 2006 Location: a happier place than before!!!! Posts: 894	well my daughter and i had a very long talk tonight about her lying. and as usual i got the expected answers. "i don't know why i lie, because" etc. well i explained to her that when she lies to me she just gets herself into more trouble than is she would have just told me the truth in the first place. then i explained to her that i have been talking to some friends and have come up with some new and creative ways to punish her. one being to remove the bed from her room and make her sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. another is to take her cousin to the carrie underwood concert instead of her. well that got the waterworks turned on. i also explained that until she earned back my trust there would be no more mother daughter days where we go to the movies and go shopping and etc. the most we would do for mother daughter time is pick a movie here at home and watch it together here. and that drew tears too. she doesn't think that is fair...and i explained that i am not going to reward bad behavior and that lying to me is bad behavior. so we'll see how these new "punishments" work and see if the lying stops. i also explained to her that each time that she lies to me that i am very disappointed in her and that now she has to earn my trust back because i no longer trust her. well i guess that is all for now. rachel __________________ not so lost and definitely not so alone anymore!!!!! SR ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!! riding the coaster for FUN now!!!!!!