Casual Sex versus Celibacy - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Butterflywoman · 06-21-2008, 02:21 PM

When I got sober 25 years ago my sponsor told me I could only have sex if I was in a healthy relationship. So I have had a few relationships over the years. My last partner was disabled and we could not have sex. So it has been 14 years and lately I have been obsessing about having casual sex again. But I think this is just a flair up because casual sex for me means going back to the bar, picking up a guy and going at it. I need someone to rein me in here. Celibacy is best until I meet someone right? What do others think?

**51anna** · 06-21-2008, 02:59 PM

I don't think anyone can make that decision for you, Butterflywoman. Frankly, if you're a grown woman, and want to have causual sex, and are usually any and all safety precautions, maybe it's not a bad idea. I think it would have to do with where your head is. I think women like to be emotionally involved when they have sex, but that's not a rule, by any means.

Bottom line, take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually.

ananda · 06-21-2008, 03:38 PM

I agree with Anna - I have to find the sex life that is appropriete for me. And it seems to be different for everyone. BTW, you don't have to go to bars to have casual sex....there are other ways to meet men, and usually there are some who are interested in casual sex as well.

I have been celibate for almost 15 years ( 7 years of that sober), by choice except for the last 6 months were I was interested, but the man wasn't. Mostly I like being celibate. I think that most of the time I have a low sex drive...just been different the last 6 months.

So just try to decide what is the choice that you feel comfortable with.

Lily · 06-21-2008, 03:59 PM

Butterflywomen,

I hear you and I feel for you. I was celibate for 7 plus years in early recovery. I was craving just a kiss, just to be held. I was sorta hanging out w/ this one guy about 3 yrs in and he didn't share my feelings, so I waited. I was glad I did. I met and married a wonderful man.

One thing about being clean and sober, I have choices. For me, when I was younger and had sex, I just didn't feel too great about myself the next day. I think sex is very intimate and you do give a little of yourself away each time.

I pray you make the right choice and not just with anyone cuz you want it.

This is my opinion though and probably not too popular. :-)

Good post! blessings, Sheila

kj3880 · 06-22-2008, 10:19 AM

Sheila,
I always feel that I do give a little of myself away each time I have what other people think of as "casual sex." For me (and not maybe for others, just my experience) having casual sex feels like self-abuse. Almost like drinking too much, terrible hangover from it in the morning after. Makes me feel used and insecure, even if I was the one who initiated it, and even if I said up front that it would be casual. I also end up having inappropriate strong feelings for the partners. If they were friends before, I get all clingy or scared to call them, and that ruins the friendship. If they were strangers, I just become angry and kick them out after, because I assume they were just "using me" even tho. I was using them too.
So to sum up, with my already troublingly low self-esteem, it just screws my head up emotionally too much for me to play that game, although it seems like it would be fun sometimes.
Not to mention I'm paranoid about catching HIV, crabs, syphillus, gonorrhea...ewww.
But, if you're thicker-skinned than me and your self-esteem is not affected by sharing sex with somone who doesn't love you, and you don't worry about developing feelings that aren't appropriate for the person, and you feel comfortable that you are protected enough by condoms, Then by all means...it's just sex, right?
kj

DSodaNow · 06-22-2008, 11:07 AM

I don't really have any great advise to offer that hasn't already been said. I would think on it for awhile and see if how you are feeling changes.

**CarolD** · 06-22-2008, 04:56 PM

Hmm...
I decided that I had had enough sex ..serious and casual
so to begin my new sober life...I was going celibate for a year.

I think it's important to add that I was 53 ...menopause finished.

For me....it's worked out great and so its been 19+ years
since I had sex with anyone....except myself.

By having self sex....I am limited only by my imagination...

Interesting thread Thanks BW

**51anna** · 06-22-2008, 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarolD

By having self sex....I am limited only by my imagination...

freya · 06-22-2008, 06:22 PM

I really think that the answer to this question totally depends on you and on your knowing yourself and your needs (emotional and physical) very, very well.

There have been many times in my life when I have been OK with casual sex, sometimes of the one-night-stand variety but more often of the friends-with-benefits variety. But I also know lots and lots of women (the vast majority -- at least of my age group) who really truly cannot do either, without exposing themselves to extreme emotional -- and sometimes even physical -- risk. There seems to be a few things that can stand in the way for a lot of women:

1. They have been so socialized to equate sex with love that, even though they rationally know that's BS, they can't emotionally separate the two, so, they have sex with someone thinking and saying and believing that they're alright with it being just casual, but once it happens they end up over emotionally involved with the person and it's just a hurtful, unfair mess.

and/or

2. They subconsciously buy into the whole sex-negative, sex-is-dirty and "nice girls don't so that" storyline that they feel guilty and slutty and it ends up making them more down on themselves than they were before they did it. (This kinda defeats the whole purpose, as far as I'm concerned, because sex should make you feel sexy, and beautiful and just-all-around-good.)

and/or

3. They don't have the necessary assertiveness and comfort with their own needs and their sexuality to appropriately and safely negotiate the parameters of certain sexual encounters.

and/or

4. They buy into, on some level, the whole "a woman without a man is nothing" storyline, and so it turns out that they are just using the sex to get the thing (a man) that they are hoping is going to make them OK, so the sex is really just a trap......and we all know what kind of men and what kind of relationship one gets in with that kind of behavior...and we all know what that really means as far as one's self-esteem goes...

So, personally, I'd say that if there is even any possibility that any one of those things might be an issue in your case, don't do it until you're sure the issue has been FULLY addressed...because, instead of giving you comfort and a nice boost in the self-esteem area, a fling will only cause you more pain and self-loathing.

Finally, as far as the "sex for one" thing goes: That's great and I think every woman should know how to please herself and should know as much as possible about what she likes (because how else is she going to be able to communicate with a partner about what pleases her???) but, for me, there is a lot about sex that is about connecting with another person and getting out of myself -- even if it's only on the physical level -- and I'm not about to pretend to myself or anyone else that solo sex can take me there.

freya

freya · 06-22-2008, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by freya

They subconsciously buy into the whole sex-negative, sex-is-dirty and "nice girls don't so that" storyline that they feel guilty and slutty and it ends up making them more down on themselves than they were before they did it.
freya

Ooops...totally didn't mean to imply that "slutty" can't be a wonderful feeling if the scene is right!

freya

Butterflywoman · 06-22-2008, 06:49 PM

I have been thinking about this a lot. I am not going to the bar or the internet, but there is this really nice man I am attracted to at AA who does want to "get serious." I may ask him if he wants a fling. We have known each for years.

freya · 06-22-2008, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterflywoman

I have been thinking about this a lot. I am not going to the bar or the internet, but there is this really nice man I am attracted to at AA who does want to "get serious." I may ask him if he wants a fling. We have known each for years.

...and you changed your signature picture, too! Good for you -- the celibacy one looked kinda cold and sad.

Good luck and...

ENJOY!

freya

ananda · 06-22-2008, 07:33 PM

butterflywoman - do you think this could get complicated...you said he is interested in "serious". Just concerned

***miss communicat*** · 06-22-2008, 07:42 PM

is casual sex a good idea or even possible for a recovering love addict?

is it the same as me, a sober alcoholic, telling myself a little casual glass o wine is possibly a good idea?

I don't know. I've just read all of your threads BW, and it (casual sex) bears an honest appraisal, for your continued wellbeing and recovery....

lizw · 06-23-2008, 06:10 PM

Last year, after coming out of a 4 year relationship I thought I'd give the whole casual sex thing ago and what happened for me was I got into the most addictive relationship of my life. It was mad as in crazy.

Since then I've being single and have given up the idea of having 'casual sex' because for whatever reason, once I start sleeping with someone I find it hard to let go and my choice to be in the relationship (if it develops into one) feels like it is taken from me. I don't think it is possible for me to have casual sex, unless I am drinking.

But I am interested in how it worked out for you, so do share.

Sugah · 06-23-2008, 08:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Butterflywoman

I have been thinking about this a lot. I am not going to the bar or the internet, but there is this really nice man I am attracted to at AA who does want to "get serious." I may ask him if he wants a fling. We have known each for years.

Although I normally don't hold anything back when I share, I'm not going to go into detail on this one. Butterflywoman - you are not the only one whose sobriety and emotional well being you should be concerned about. Many men might seem to be open to a "fling," but when the chips fall, they've very often the more injured party in the end. I watched someone after eleven years sobriety come perilously close to losing it because his head, heart and what was in his britches weren't all in the same place like he thought.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

06-21-2008, 02:21 PM	#1 (permalink)
Butterflywoman Love Addict and Alcoholic Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: California Posts: 143	Casual Sex versus Celibacy When I got sober 25 years ago my sponsor told me I could only have sex if I was in a healthy relationship. So I have had a few relationships over the years. My last partner was disabled and we could not have sex. So it has been 14 years and lately I have been obsessing about having casual sex again. But I think this is just a flair up because casual sex for me means going back to the bar, picking up a guy and going at it. I need someone to rein me in here. Celibacy is best until I meet someone right? What do others think?
	__________________ Recovery means doing the right thing even if we don't want to . . . one day at a time.

06-21-2008, 02:59 PM	#2 (permalink)
51anna Forum Leader Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Dancing in the Light Posts: 10,507	I don't think anyone can make that decision for you, Butterflywoman. Frankly, if you're a grown woman, and want to have causual sex, and are usually any and all safety precautions, maybe it's not a bad idea. I think it would have to do with where your head is. I think women like to be emotionally involved when they have sex, but that's not a rule, by any means. Bottom line, take care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually.
	__________________ Anna "I don't know what the future is holding in store I don't know where Im going, Im not sure where Ive been Theres a spirit that guides me, a light that shines for me My life is worth the living, I don't need to see the end." John Denver

06-22-2008, 11:07 AM	#6 (permalink)
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 321	I don't really have any great advise to offer that hasn't already been said. I would think on it for awhile and see if how you are feeling changes.
DSodaNow Member Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 321

06-22-2008, 04:56 PM	#7 (permalink)
CarolD Forum Leader Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Dallas, Ga. USA Posts: 14,333	Hmm... I decided that I had had enough sex ..serious and casual so to begin my new sober life...I was going celibate for a year. I think it's important to add that I was 53 ...menopause finished. For me....it's worked out great and so its been 19+ years since I had sex with anyone....except myself. By having self sex....I am limited only by my imagination... Interesting thread Thanks BW
	__________________ Each Day Sober Is A Victory!! Joy In AA Recovery...

06-22-2008, 06:22 PM	#9 (permalink)
freya Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 317	I really think that the answer to this question totally depends on you and on your knowing yourself and your needs (emotional and physical) very, very well. There have been many times in my life when I have been OK with casual sex, sometimes of the one-night-stand variety but more often of the friends-with-benefits variety. But I also know lots and lots of women (the vast majority -- at least of my age group) who really truly cannot do either, without exposing themselves to extreme emotional -- and sometimes even physical -- risk. There seems to be a few things that can stand in the way for a lot of women: 1. They have been so socialized to equate sex with love that, even though they rationally know that's BS, they can't emotionally separate the two, so, they have sex with someone thinking and saying and believing that they're alright with it being just casual, but once it happens they end up over emotionally involved with the person and it's just a hurtful, unfair mess. and/or 2. They subconsciously buy into the whole sex-negative, sex-is-dirty and "nice girls don't so *that" storyline that they feel guilty and slutty and it ends up making them more down on themselves than they were before they did it. (This kinda defeats the whole purpose, as far as I'm concerned, because sex should make you feel sexy, and beautiful and just-all-around-good.) and/or 3. They don't have the necessary assertiveness and comfort with their own needs and their sexuality to appropriately and safely negotiate the parameters of certain sexual encounters. and/or 4. They buy into, on some level, the whole "a woman without a man is nothing" storyline, and so it turns out that they are just using the sex to get the thing (a man) that they are hoping is going to make them OK, so the sex is really just a trap......and we all know what kind of men and what kind of relationship one gets in with that kind of behavior...and we all know what that really means as far as one's self-esteem goes... So, personally, I'd say that if there is even any possibility that any one of those things might be an issue in your case, don't do it until you're sure the issue has been FULLY addressed...because, instead of giving you comfort and a nice boost in the self-esteem area, a fling will only cause you more pain and self-loathing. Finally, as far as the "sex for one" thing goes: That's great and I think every woman should know how to please herself and should know as much as possible about what she likes (because how else is she going to be able to communicate with a partner about what pleases her???) but, for me, there is a lot about sex that is about connecting with another person and getting out of myself -- even if it's only on the physical level -- and I'm not about to pretend to myself or anyone else that solo sex can take me there. freya*
	__________________ I never did give anybody hell; I just told the truth and they thought it was hell. -- Harry S. Truman

06-21-2008, 03:38 PM	#3 (permalink)
ananda Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere Left of Left Posts: 4,505	I agree with Anna - I have to find the sex life that is appropriete for me. And it seems to be different for everyone. BTW, you don't have to go to bars to have casual sex....there are other ways to meet men, and usually there are some who are interested in casual sex as well. I have been celibate for almost 15 years ( 7 years of that sober), by choice except for the last 6 months were I was interested, but the man wasn't. Mostly I like being celibate. I think that most of the time I have a low sex drive...just been different the last 6 months. So just try to decide what is the choice that you feel comfortable with.

06-21-2008, 03:59 PM	#4 (permalink)
Lily Ephesians 2:8 and 9 Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: USA Posts: 994	Butterflywomen, I hear you and I feel for you. I was celibate for 7 plus years in early recovery. I was craving just a kiss, just to be held. I was sorta hanging out w/ this one guy about 3 yrs in and he didn't share my feelings, so I waited. I was glad I did. I met and married a wonderful man. One thing about being clean and sober, I have choices. For me, when I was younger and had sex, I just didn't feel too great about myself the next day. I think sex is very intimate and you do give a little of yourself away each time. I pray you make the right choice and not just with anyone cuz you want it. This is my opinion though and probably not too popular. :-) Good post! blessings, Sheila

06-22-2008, 10:19 AM	#5 (permalink)
kj3880 Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: md Posts: 1,198	Sheila, I always feel that I do give a little of myself away each time I have what other people think of as "casual sex." For me (and not maybe for others, just my experience) having casual sex feels like self-abuse. Almost like drinking too much, terrible hangover from it in the morning after. Makes me feel used and insecure, even if I was the one who initiated it, and even if I said up front that it would be casual. I also end up having inappropriate strong feelings for the partners. If they were friends before, I get all clingy or scared to call them, and that ruins the friendship. If they were strangers, I just become angry and kick them out after, because I assume they were just "using me" even tho. I was using them too. So to sum up, with my already troublingly low self-esteem, it just screws my head up emotionally too much for me to play that game, although it seems like it would be fun sometimes. Not to mention I'm paranoid about catching HIV, crabs, syphillus, gonorrhea...ewww. But, if you're thicker-skinned than me and your self-esteem is not affected by sharing sex with somone who doesn't love you, and you don't worry about developing feelings that aren't appropriate for the person, and you feel comfortable that you are protected enough by condoms, Then by all means...it's just sex, right? kj

06-22-2008, 06:49 PM	#11 (permalink)
Butterflywoman Love Addict and Alcoholic Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: California Posts: 143	I have been thinking about this a lot. I am not going to the bar or the internet, but there is this really nice man I am attracted to at AA who does want to "get serious." I may ask him if he wants a fling. We have known each for years.
	__________________ Recovery means doing the right thing even if we don't want to . . . one day at a time.

06-22-2008, 07:33 PM	#13 (permalink)
ananda Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Somewhere Left of Left Posts: 4,505	butterflywoman - do you think this could get complicated...you said he is interested in "serious". Just concerned

06-22-2008, 07:42 PM	#14 (permalink)
*miss communicat* sobriety is my yoga Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: in the present moment Posts: 1,815	is casual sex a good idea or even possible for a recovering love addict? is it the same as me, a sober alcoholic, telling myself a little casual glass o wine is possibly a good idea? I don't know. I've just read all of your threads BW, and it (casual sex) bears an honest appraisal, for your continued wellbeing and recovery....
	__________________ i close my eyes and see clearly i stop trying to listen and hear truth i am silent and my heart sings i seek no contact and find union i am still and move forward i am gentle and need no strength i am humble and remain whole (ancient taoist meditation)

06-23-2008, 06:10 PM	#15 (permalink)
lizw God's Kid Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: New Zealand Posts: 861	Never tried but given up the idea now Last year, after coming out of a 4 year relationship I thought I'd give the whole casual sex thing ago and what happened for me was I got into the most addictive relationship of my life. It was mad as in crazy. Since then I've being single and have given up the idea of having 'casual sex' because for whatever reason, once I start sleeping with someone I find it hard to let go and my choice to be in the relationship (if it develops into one) feels like it is taken from me. I don't think it is possible for me to have casual sex, unless I am drinking. But I am interested in how it worked out for you, so do share.
	__________________ ....blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.