Grown Children With Problems

[Butterflywoman]

Does anyone out there have grown children who give them grief. I love my son, and he is a good man, but he is too dependent on me. He is 37 and unmarried. I think it is because I was a single parent. My daughter is independent and self-sufficient, but Karl . . .

Tomorrow Karl is going on trial. I believe he is innocent, but only he and God really knows. He is also lost his job, apartment, and car. I am trying to be supportive without being codependent. It is a thin line. Anyone out there is a similar situation? Prayers are welcome.

[51anna]

No, I'm not in a similar situation, but I can surely empathize with you.

I agree that if you can be supportive without crossing the line, that's great. But, it will be hard. However, you know it will be the best thing for your son to figure his own way out of these problems.

[zoomer]

My son is a victom of himself. When he was 15 (he is now 21) he broke into a store. They caught him and he was on probation. One of the stipulations of probation is that he remains clean. He was doing drugs and drinking so they mandated him to rehab. He left rehab and now is in jail for a whole year because of the dumb choice he made. I think a year is a long time for something he did when he was 15,but he thought he was bigger than the law when he left rehab. He now regrets everything and is trying to get out to go to rehab. Nothing I can do except write him letters. We love our children no matter what,but they have to live with their choices and so do we. Just like they had to live with our choices when we where out there. I remain sober for myself and he sees it. He tells me now he goes to AA in jail and talks about me all the time. Good stuff though. You never know when or where they will get the message. Maybe this will be a wake up call for your son to live a better life. I do not know the cercomstances of your son,so forgive me for being ignorant. Just keep supporting him on the side lines and except that everything happends for a reason.

[Butterflywoman]

I re-posted on another thread my plea for support. I provided more details. I am so depressed but AA has taught me to turn it over.

[51anna]

Hang in there Butterflywoman!

It is true that letting go is so hard to do, but it is the only way. Clearly this is out of your hands.

Have faith!

[Butterflywoman]

I was terrified of going to court but my son wanted me so I found the courage. I sat through the trial. It was obvious to me that he was innocent of molesting a minor, but the law also reads "annoy" so I was not sure how the verdict would go. The girl testified that my son had a conversation with her and that she felt "uncomfortable." Karl was charged with detaining her by force but the girl did not testify to this so the judge through out the charge before it went to the jury. I was sitting next to a lawyer who whispered to me that the judge should have throw out both charges. But the judge let the jury decide if he was "molesting" or "annoying" a minor, and they can back in 2 hours with a "not guilty." I prefer the word innocent. So my son Karl does not have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life because he had a conversation with a minor. He is a coache and works with minors. Now maybe he can get his job back. He was fired when he got arrested. I had lost my faith because even though this whole thing was bizarre, things like this have been happening to Karl all his life. He, on the other hand, did not lose his faith. He calls his faith "the baby" and he said, "Mom, you have to protect the baby no matter what happens. He was right. So . . . my faith in the justice system has been restored. I thought some over zealous juror would convince all the other jurors to find him guilty but that did not happen. Thank all of you for your prayers. I am going to rest for a couple of days and express my gratitude to the Lord.

[CarolD]

Mega Hugs to you and Karl......

[51anna]

I'm sending you and your son lots of hugs and prayers!

[Butterflywoman]

Thanks for the hugs. So many people wanted me to turn my back on Karl. My sponsor had a fit when I bailed him out of jail. But now that the not guilty verdict is in I am glad he did not have to stay in jail all that time or be pressured into pleading guilty. They wanted him to register as a "sexual offender." He would never work again as a coach if that happened. I am so happy today. I love God so much . . .

[Digginit]

My parents have a grown child who gives them problems from time-to-time. They've learned to let go, I think, finally.

I'm so glad things have worked out for your son, though. Those are some serious charges, and I don't think I could have followed other people's advice if it meant not supporting my son through something like that either. No way...even if the boundaries are a little iffy. Sometimes that's just life. Your boy is your boy, and kudos to you for standing by him when he needed you.

~dig