lonely a little

[joeycutnurhair]

I am recovering woman.:ghug2 work the program work it baby work it.... sometimes, thank god, not very often i get lonely for a mans companionship. i have had a few (3?) relationships in my 699 days recovering. i am a 36 almost 37 year old woman. i guess i just need to get this off my chest. i have never been married no kids. i am a rare one. at least so far as i know. i dont want to settle for just anyone. i also seem to intimidate others. i know that i am not ugly i dont think i am beautiful either. i am really praying for gods will for me. i do this in every aspect of my life. my town i live in is a good size. i make it to many meetings. i always think of my options but recovery is foremost on mymind. anyway. not really anything else to say ... just in case there are others out there who are going thru the same thing. thought i would let you know you are not alone. you know i will share blessings also...with everyone. and one of my most blessed things is an awesome family and GREAT friends :ghugin aa. men and women. i also have to be careful because my mo is to be with married men. thank you god i have not done that in my sobriety.
one last thing. i have been going to a lady to help me with relationships. developing boundaries. my new requirements for sobriety relationships are
1. not married
2. 1 year sobriety
3. working their program.
am i being too picky with that? the 3 relationships i had were with younger men and sorta fresh in recovery. i wasnt 13th stepping ? once i saw they wre not serious i very nicely desconnected from them.

[Butterflywoman]

Looking for a man can be a good thing. I did not know what I was doing for a long time so I made up a list in recovery for what to look for while dating. Here it is.

The ingredients of a healthy relationship are as follows:

1. Honesty that engenders trust.

2. Readiness for a relationship (both partners).

3. The willingness to negotiate or compromise.

4. Self-awareness—this means both partners knowing who they are and what they want.

5. Self-esteem—this means both partners feeling good about themselves.

6. Communication skills.
This means:
- Asking for what you want, but not being addicted to getting it.
- Fighting fair. (This means expressing your opinion without attacking the other person.)
- Reporting your feelings.
- Saying what you mean (not beating around the bush).
- Listening, as well as talking.

7. Sexual compatibility. This means similar values and preferences.

8. There should be a recognition of the fact that there are 4 people in the relationship—2 adults and 2 children (1 inner child per adult).
This means:
- That childhood wounds will probably be triggered and sensitivity strategies must be created.
- That rituals from your family of origin must be re-negotiated and new rituals created as a couple.
- And, finally, that the wounded inner child must be kept in check. (In other words, love your inner child, but don't give him or her the keys to the car.)

9. Similar (but not necessarily identical) values about such issues as money, religion, monogamy, and parenting. This avoids needless conflict. Still, you don't have to agree about everything—just what's important to you.

10. Patience and tolerance, but you should never tolerate abuse.

11. It is important to accept the fact that there will be days when the relationship seems very ordinary or even boring. Many people tend to have an “all or nothing” mentality. They either want a relationship to be exciting all the time, or they live with unbearable pain rather than move on. Healthy relationships are sometimes lukewarm.

12. The willingness to substitute “influencing” for “controlling.”
This means:
- Saying something once and then letting it go.
- It also means being a role-model instead of nagging someone to change.

13. The willingness to keep your personality boundaries (even when you feel like losing yourself in the other person). This is how we maintain our self-esteem.

14. Devotion. How can an intimate relationship feel good if we aren't special to each other.

15. Quality time together. At the same time, you want to set aside time for personal interests. Look for balance.

16. Knowing when to stay and when to leave. This means staying when things are going well (and you feel like running), and being willing to let go of the relationship if it is unhealthy.

17. It is also important to have compatibility and “ease” in a relationship. At the same time it must be understood that no relationship is perfect. (Compatibility comes from being alike or from having a high tolerance for your partner's differences.)

18. The willingness to face your problems (without over-reacting).

19. Respect and admiration, but there should also be an understanding that your partner will not always look good to you.

20. Reciprocity (give and take), but you should also be willing to make sacrifices now and then.

21. Realistic expectations about how much of your happiness should come from the relationship—not too much and not too little.

[Lily]

I do not even think your criteria is too picky. I too set criteria for a husband. I did not marry the first time until I was 33, however I did have a son already who was 10.

My first husband died of a brain tumor just 2 yrs after our wedding.

My second husband too met my criteria. He too was widowed. He is not in recovery but he is a Christian believer and a gentleman so that was good enough for me. (he doesn't drink, drug or smoke)

I think you should stick to your criteria and hang in there and don't settle!!!!!

blessings, Sheila

[kj3880]

Hmm. Let's see what ya got..
1. Not married..well that is very basic, we don't want to break up a family in our recovery. Very bad karma to do that.
2. A year Sober...absolutely, that is the bare minimum. In fact, make mine a double! (years clean that is! hehe)
3. Working their program...yep yep, and make sure it's a program that you respect.
Yes, all in all, very basic, minimal requirements. If anything, I would add some stuff to the list if I were you, such a kindness, honesty, and fun in your opinion to be with, and I would want to have some interests in common (otherwise what are ya gonna do all day together).
That being said, you look and you look but it's funny, relationships happen just when you aren't looking for them, and in places where you least expect, at least in my experience. Peace from,
kj

[ultimatum]

I think your expectations are very realistic. I too have thought myself (and have been accused by others of the same thing) as too picky. But why expend the energy of making a relationship work if not for the right partner?

[BUTTERFLY-7]

well in my behalf Just stay single, unto is Gods giving time
for you to find that special someone, thats is just my opinion

trust me I know what I'm saying I'm 36 years and I also
had the preference for younger Guys, and I pray on it to my H.P.
whom I choose to call my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,I ask him
How I want it him to be in the physical aspect but I forgot
to finish my prayer and ask God how I want him to be Mentally,
and spiritually,and emotionally,

in other words I forgot to finish my Prayer Got so caught up in
the physical appearance, so you see Now I'm going to make 2 yrs
with him in 9/18, and in 1-30 of 009 I'll make one year marry
I didn't wait in Gods giving time to a)ether finish my Prayer or
B)wait for Gods divine direction

and Now I cry my self to sleep every nigh for not waiting in Gods
time for the blessing to be well cook and done I took it out
the oven raw and now I'm suffering the consequences he is a great
financial provider,but they say that Money can't Buy me Love

so wait just wait I know at times we get lonely But trust me if I could of do it all over again I would decided to stay single

because now I'm shading Tears of Blood

[joeycutnurhair]

thank all of you for your posts. wow isnt amazing what we women can do for each other. i mean thank you thank you thank you. it was cool this am the reading in one of me meditation books was about love and hurrying it. i do thank god for giving me all he has. i am glad i posted that yesterdday. i am also glad i got a good nights sleep. my sponsor has talked about agnostic moments and i wasnt sure what she meant. but i believe i had a few yesterday even as i was praying. later yesterday went to a rehab we have here in town and talked with a few women newcomers. great medicine!!

[ananda]

Well....i guess i don't do rules much but....for me girl meets boy on aa campus is about a state of mind...when i am drawn because of the bond created by being in recovery with people and having such a personal thing in common.

It is VERY important to me that I feel a draw that is more than just AA (not to put the program down). Do we share other common outside interests and views?

My happyest times were in my 15 years sober and not in any sort of male relationship (my partner of choice). I have now filled my life with loving friendship of women, and have started to not crave a man which i did the last 5 months after my sex drive came back (wow was tht intense)

Just kinda where i'm at right now

glad you are all hear!