I am so sad...

[Cathy31]

About 6 months into sobriety/recovery I fell in love with a guy. It never progressed to anything as he was involved with someone else (LOL I know!) but we had about a week of intense (didn't sleep with him but wanted to) intense staying up all hours talking, connecting, making out etc. I just felt I had never been so attracted to someone before in my whole life - of course I thought we were the perfect match and when he decided to imigrate to be with the other woman (they'd been involved in a long distance relationship) I was devastated. I mean DEVASTATED. I cried SO MUCH and what was good was the it was the first trauma I had in recovery...and I didn't pick up. This was November 2006 almodt 18 months ago.

Fast forward : we remained 'friends' sometimes emailing one another obsessively, but always connecting on a mental level - sometimes 20 mails a day etc - of course I was always looking for hope until June last year when I said to him I can't continue this email correspondence as really I've realised I'm still in love with him but would love to be friends once i was 'over' him.

What proceeded wsa about 3 months no contact I honestly felt I was over him, got in contact again, we now email few times a week - he's incredibly funny witty and we spark off one another...

Anyway!!! he proceeded to marry the girl (he had dumped a long term 14 year relationship for this woman, who happened to be married at the time, and him in a 14 year relationship when they met - my mom says they deserve each other LOL!) and within the last year they got married, had a baby. Today he emailed me - well I emailed him first just with a hello...and he emailed back these photos of him and her and the baby.

The baby is so cute and they look like this perfect family...I was gutted.

I feel so incredibly sad, like I'm suffering the loss again - perhaps it is all fantasy in my mind, but we had/have such a strong connection...anyway it's brought out terrible feelings in me - terrible feelings of sadness, emptiness, bitterness and almost most of all hatred of her.

I knew I should journal about this and I iwll, but I thought it would be a good idea to post this - i don't know - has anyone else exerienced this?? what can i do? what should i do? As I write this I feel like my heart is breaking (again)

Since him I've had two short relationships...nothing to compare with what we 'had' I mean I felt like I had stumbled across my soul mate.

What can I do. What would you do?

Any feedback ESH would be soo helpful - I'm stuck out in the middle of nowhere for work and no meetings!

Cathy31
x

[Anna]

Hi Cathy,

I am so sorry for your pain.

You said in your post, that maybe it was all fantasy. I think maybe a lot of it, on your side, was fantasy. I know what it's like to meet someone fantastic and to project (unconsciously) the feelings you want on the relationship. He is someone who gets involved with a married woman and then later, after he is married, still carries on an emotional relationship with you. He's bad news! You deserve better than that. Love yourself, and the right person will come along.

[Cathy31]

Thanks Anna...it's so hard to believe that it was all fantasy, but I do know alot of it was what 'could have' been! I not only feel sad I also feel like I have NOTHING (which is not true obviously) but everything has been minimised by seeing him and that woman. But thank you for your words it helps so much to hear some kind of perspective when it just goes around and around in my brain! Thanks so much Anna, you are so wise and I know you are right! Thank you Anna.
Cathy31
x

[indigo]

Yes I think Anna's right it's easy to woo someone and as soon as it gets serious to bale out. Seems this guy is good for long distance relationships but not face to face ones, maybe he ought to grow up some. Please don't let it affect your sobriety no matter how much it hurts nobody is worth that. I'm really sorry this has happened and hope the next man you meet will be more mature and considerate of your feelings jmo.
hugs

[Cathy31]

Thanks Indigo. I just feel so sad! Honestly it's as bad as it was all that time ago - hopefully this is the last bit of crying I'll be doing!!! Honestly I feel like such a fool too and projection or fantasy it really has felt like love...and I guess I am feeling rejected all over again...

[ananda]

Hi Cathy,

Over the last 30 years I have met several men that I was so drawn to that they seemed like "soul mates". But if it doesn't work out a time comes that we move on. I'm going through that process right now. prior to that I had 15 years of incredibly wonderful celebicy! (excuse my poor spelling).

I still think of this guy about once a day, and he still makes my heart flutter when I see him (which isn't very often). But it is not the center of my life.

It helps me to say in my evening "prayer" May ______ find and follow his spiritual path, may we walk skillfully through our Karma.

I say that prayer for alot of people and institutions and even god!

It will get better in time.

[BUTTERFLY-7]

Girl I know exactly How you Feel,That experience happened to me twice, once when I came to recovery for the second time around in 2001, I met this person in the outpatient program that the Judge sent me to, and we Hit it on the spot we connected in such a way that I though it was to good to be true, he and I we where in separable until the Director from the Christian in-patient Program star it putting things in his Moms head about me how I was a bad influence on him, and then they persuade him into forgetting about me, how I wasn't for him because If I was not a chosen of God for him,because I would never had you know?????and so on, It wasn't like someone put a gun on him he and I we where consented adult doing what felt right at that moment, which I know in the Christian world is consider a Sin(God forgive me),But we where so In-love we each other,and he let them eat up his mind, and I saw him in 2003 and he was walking with his soon to be wife his fiancée, I felt like some one had punch me in my Gut and taking my air it hurt it so Bad, I felt all those emotions that you are feeling and the other experience was at the ending of 2005 I met this Guy we click but then he star it acting out like he was scare to fall or feel love because they had kill his brother over a girl so I guess he was traumatize, and now he thinks that all womans are the same, man Its been 2 months Ive been dreaming about him God forgive me cause I'm a married woman,I guess all of this dream surf up and all this emotional connection with that individual because thats what we yearn or want as Human beens is Love,and I love my Husband but I ain't going to lie I sometimes I regret it, hes not understandable, and patience, and lovable, I can't go to him and have a conversation about me, or my issues, with out him getting impatience, I saw the red flags but choose to ignore it Man now I'm paying the price thats why I tell all of you single people don't rush into relationship or marriage don't stay single take your time studied the person more I know as humans we need that special someone but Good things comes for those who wait don't do my same mistakes now I'm miserable, marry with some one who is insensitive, and in-patience,Rough,been with my husband is Like going to the hard ware store to buy bread.

[Lily]

Cathi,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry things did not work out differently. You need to keep the distance between the 2 of you though for your own sanity. Do not give him anymore of your heart. He picked someone else. there is someone out there for you. I was too dumped by a guy who i was in major love with and in the end, I learned i was so glad that God did not give me what I "thought" i wanted. God gave me someone much better.

blessings, Sheila

[Cathy31]

:ghug2 Thanks so much ladies. What you said really moved me. THANK YOU, this morning I woke up as if a weight had been lifted...I had prayed about it had long sleep and shared with you guys and my mom....I read a fascinating thing in my daily reading today which I'll share later...the gist of it was truthfulness vs fantasy...and just believing and acting on what is real and what is HERE right now. He even seems more distant in my mind/heart...now to not go and GRAB it back from God LOL and email him LOL!
Thanks guys!!! Your words and kindness and sharing of your experience helped sooo much!!! #
Cathy31
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[indigo]

Oh Cathy I'm so happy that you're feeling better today, doesn't it feel good without carrying all that weight about, I don't think he will be. You are setting yourself free, how fantastic is that?

[Cathy31]

Originally Posted by indigo

Oh Cathy I'm so happy that you're feeling better today, doesn't it feel good without carrying all that weight about, I don't think he will be. You are setting yourself free, how fantastic is that?

Hey Indigo! Oh it does - and guess what...today my email was down ALL DAY! LOL! God Shot! I feel so much better when we just have no contact and today was a wonderful breather and I feel very grateful to see the possibility of release!

Thanks again everyone!
Cathy31
x

[CarolD]

I just saw this Cathy...
I suggest you change your email.

Not all loves are healthy or forever.

I'd rather let go of the good times
then endure the actions a cheating man.

[Cathy31]

Thanks Carol I know you are right...and what do you know I now have the opportunity to change me email with the new job....I know what the right thing is to do but it seems impossible... One day at a time though!!

[indigo]

You go Cathy strike while the irons hot.

[Bella_Fox]

Originally Posted by 51anna

Hi Cathy,

I am so sorry for your pain.

You said in your post, that maybe it was all fantasy. I think maybe a lot of it, on your side, was fantasy. I know what it's like to meet someone fantastic and to project (unconsciously) the feelings you want on the relationship. He is someone who gets involved with a married woman and then later, after he is married, still carries on an emotional relationship with you. He's bad news! You deserve better than that. Love yourself, and the right person will come along.

I agree.

I'm also sorry that you're suffering -- but, clearly, this isn't the guy for you no matter how much you wish he were. The fact is, he bailed on a 14-year relationship to be with this women. Either THEY are truly meant to be together or he's not very loyal -- but, no matter what, both scenarios means he's off-limits to you.

I think the no-contact idea is a good one -- and you should stick with it. Your wound will never heal if you keep picking at it...

[BUTTERFLY-7]

Originally Posted by Bella_Fox

I agree.

I'm also sorry that you're suffering -- but, clearly, this isn't the guy for you no matter how much you wish he were. The fact is, he bailed on a 14-year relationship to be with this women. Either THEY are truly meant to be together or he's not very loyal -- but, no matter what, both scenarios means he's off-limits to you.

I think the no-contact idea is a good one -- and you should stick with it. Your wound will never heal if you keep picking at it...

Bella_Fox; I'm so sorry But I just couldn't help my self notice your image on your thread of that handsome stud please don't get me wrong But It's that you or a model picture of somebody lol because if is you Man

[kj3880]

Cathy,
I've certainly been through the heartbreak thing. I'm in my mid-40s and single most of my life, so I've been through it a lot. Been on both ends of it, too. That song "Everybody plays the fool" says it all! It sounds like you are trying to figure out where you went wrong. Consider, if it helps, that there are two other women even more unlucky than you are: One, the poor woman who wasted 14 years of her life with this cad, and two, the poor woman who has a baby by him, what's going to happen to that baby and her the next time he finds someone (and he will)? When we choose a man who already has a family, we are consciously choosing to get hurt and helping to hurt other women too (although I'm sure you never meant to do that. They always feed you some b.s. about how the relationship is dead...she's a cold fish...yadda yadda yadda). You'll feel so much better about yourself, and stronger too, when you stop all contact. You deserve better and you know it! Change that e-mail and phone number and free yourself!
kj

[Cathy31]

Thanks so much KJ I had not contacted him since I posted here (quite a record) today I got home and there was a mail from him and he had recommended this song to me which has all this stuff about take my hand, and mistakes, mistakes in it...so part of me is like is he trying to communicate with me - i.e. it was a mistake and he still loves me and the other part is like stop reading stuff into whatever it is, if he loved you he would've chosen you. anyway! of course I replied (nothing heavy witty, upbeat etc) but actually burst into tears after I wrote the mail. I am on step 7 this is a character defect I need help in losing! I don't want to keep enduring the agony and I want to be free of him but letting hinm go entirely seems imnpossible...I know, I know I 'get' nothing from it - a few - very few acutally maybe none LOL! ego boosts, and I guess the hope...that he might change his mind...I am 34 now and am going to die an old spinster waiting and waiting if i don't address this soon!
Very hard!!! it's like drinking - i knoew it was kililng me but it took many years and many prayers to be wwilling to give it up...I need to start praying cause quite frankly i have not asked God's help in this, scared He would give me the strength to let this guy go...so like drinking!!!
thanks ladies! All your esh helps...imagine if I was one of those women who could say ok, didn't work out let's move on!
cathy31
x

[kj3880]

An old spinster at 34... How Dare You!!!! LOL...You better not say that because then what are the rest of us...I'm almost 44...and single, but I don't care about that. If it's meant to be, the right one will show up in my life. But I'm in early recovery now, so I don't think that I'm going to attract the right one at this point, and anyway, I'm having too much fun to live with or marry a man again. Believe it or not, once you get used to being single, as I have, the thought of giving up your freedom, even to a very special man, is difficult. You see, you develop your own interests, like to watch what you want on TV, go where you want on vacation, raise your kids and pets your own way, even put the freakin furniture where you, you, you, glorious you, want to put it!! Sounds self-centered, but why should you be other-centered when you're single? Enjoy the single life, live it up, your married friends will envy you...I know mine do!
kj

[nandm]

Just my experience but it took me a while to fix my "picker" after I got sober. I tended to drift to the same thing I found when drinking; abusive, degrading relationships. It took a lot of work on myself and learning self respect, how to trust myself intuition again, how to be alone with myself and be content, and how to set and maintain boundaries. From all of this I have learned that I would much rather be alone than be in a relationship where I feel lonely. I wish you the best. Co-dependents Anonymous is a great place to learn relationship skills.