Ack

[Broccoli]

Trying to improve self

Again

11/4/08

In two weeks am on my way to my mothers. Feel like shite. Am fat. Am horrible to everyone. Want everyone to go away. Am drunkard, pisshead preferring to be alone. But then, when am alone, feel lonely. And so eat more and drink more. Sometimes eat so much make self throw up. Sometimes drink so much, make self eat to be sober, then throw up. Ack.

Turned 38 three weeks ago. Realise that the food thing has been going on since before I was even 18. That’s more than 20 years! Realise also that was once asked by very very beautiful man when was 18 “Why do you drink so much?” Was in his room after a spate at the uni bar. Felt sober enough to go there but once got there was (obviously) very very drunk. Don’t remember much other than sitting leaning against the wall with a plastered smile on my face while he played the guitar. Really really loved that guy. Loved him so much. He didn’t love me.

Will begin tomorrow. Please let this be the last time.


16/4/08

Of course, didn’t start tomorrow. Didn’t start today. But sort of started last Friday by going for a walk. One and a half hours, just like I used to. Actually more than I used to. When I was thin. Missed Saturday (and then went out for a huge steak and beers), but went again Sunday. Did and hour on Monday, one and a half on Tuesday, and then the same today, Wednesday. In parallel, a few beers on Sunday (swearing blind that I would start tomorrow); husbandl also bringing home Glenfiddich as penance for the last “Ashes” personal pool competition – so, of course, had to sample a few snifters). Monday was planning to be good but then cousins want to view the house we are leaving with view to helping us take over our lease (oh please, oh please, would make everything so much easier) so bought a six pack to share welcome them in (plaus had a wee snifter of Glen before meeting them at the station for courage), then went out for dinner and had white wine (not too bad, pleasantly mellow). Tuesday went for walk but then came home and drank a couple of snifters (worried about how I would conceal the drop in the bottle which husband had purposely put to the back of the cupboard so had to get a chair to reach it (he obviously suspects or, worse, knows) plus two of the three left over beers. Then had to replace beers so he wouldn’t know and so went for another walk and bought a six-pack and a hip flask of scotch (head told self that, given the dissolution of the company would be having more days ‘off’ work and so could hide extra beers for later. Also, planned to top up lovely Glen single malt with dodgy Johnny Walker hip flask – but when got home couldn’t do it (sacrilege to taint single malt) and so hid it in the map pocket of my Gor-tex jacket hanging at the back of the cupboard (am in Australia now and so is not in use).

Today, working from home again. Went for walk and feeling good. Then remembered secret stash. Had large snifter. Then a smaller one. Then washed down with secretly stashed beer. Looked at the clock. Was 11.57am.

Ack.

Remembered I had visited this website a year ago. But not the 'womens' group. To be honest, women have never seemed to like me.

But just thought today I would try.

And say hello/

Hello.....

[nandm]

Welcome back to SR!

Welcome to our womens forum, I hope you find the support, experience, strength, and hope I have found here.

[Broccoli]

Thank you Nandm,

And appologies if my entry sounded like a diary entry - but, truth be told, it was. After writing in my diary for the last two days I suddenly looked at myself and thought "This is not right". So I typed alcohol and forum into google and here I am again. I was here once before but couldn't remember the address. Also, although last time was really helpful, I didn't go to the womens group. Half my problem has always been trying to keep up with the priorities of men.

Thank you, my friend. For making me welcome here. XXX

[daffodil75]

Welcome back Broccoli... I'm new here as well and surprised to actually be posting in the "womens' forum". Totally understand what you're going through... Women have never liked me either; as they had no reason to b/c I was always too busy enticing and seducing their men due to my own insecurities. Only female friends I've ever really associated with were my 3 sisters. Maybe it's time that we actually got to know other women and understand ourselves better... This time around should be different...

[indigo]

Yes Welome back, I'm sure you'll make lots of friends here with support and encouragment to help with your low-esteem issues.
indigo

[Freedom1990]

Other women in recovery have turned out to be my strongest supporters! Welcome back!

[CarolD]

Glad you found us again Broccoli

Have you considered having an honest talk
with a doctor about your problems?
That might be a wise move.

Welcome!