Priorities

[Digginit]

Not sure how to really talk about where I am right now so gonna go with kind of a free-flow thing here and see how it comes out...lol.

A few months ago, I learned that our noon conference attendance will *count* (though it has never counted before) and that I wasn't getting there often enough to graduate from residency this summer. Ugh. That's correct. I wasn't going. Was going to noon NA meetings instead. Haven't gone to any meetings regularly since. Not saying that I *can't*, but that work and taking care of my child are higher priorities to me. ALSO not saying that my priorities are always the best....but that's just how I've worked it lately.

There are a couple of physicians whom I work with who know about my problems with addiction. One, in particular, is very supportive in that he treats me the same as he did before he knew. The topic of addiction doesn't come up anymore, though I have discussed it with him. But it's clear that there is a standard that I must bring myself up to. It's MY job to work within the framework of those who aren't addicted....not the other way around. Another physician who knows just treats me like I'm trash. Knowing that I'm good at what I do (lol....better than she is), I don't focus on her.

I'm finding it difficult to listen to the hardships of addicts these days. I don't much like that. It's a major disconnect for me. BUT I feel like, in order to survive in my professional world, there's no room to be 'soft' or 'understanding.' The only choice is to behave appropriately, and that means none of that insane addictive behavior. Ugh.

I realize that this is probably not the most healthy environment for a coke head. But trying to survive in the South as a female physician who is also a single mom.....man, if there are hurdles that can be easily avoided, then that's what I'm doing I suppose.

I know this is cutting off mid-thought, but I think this is a good stopping point for me, for now.

~dig

[51anna]

I think it's the same situation everywhere. I don't talk to people about my alcoholism. I think there is far too much prejudice in society towards addicts. I am no longer ashamed of being an addict, but neither am I willing to have people I work with, know that about me.

It sounds like you're doing a balancing act now and trying to finish your training, be a good mom and work on your recovery. And, I think it is about balance and I hope you can find yours.

I've read lots and lots of posts from people who are terrified to talk to their dr about their addiction. They are afraid of being humiliated, and some of them are treated very badly. Some are lucky, and their dr is kind and supportive, and when I read their posts, after they've talked to their dr, their spirit is lifted and they feel so encouraged about moving forward in recovery. Personally, I've been to both kinds of drs and I so hope that you can feel compassion towards addicts.

[CarolD]

I'll join you with free form thinking...
don't know how long you have been in recovery
or where you are on your journey.

If you can't stay clean without meetings
Step work ...then you need to go
because your career will be tanked anyway.

Part of working with ill people is learning
how to detatch. I did that for 6 years
as a CNA working with elders and hospice.

My alcoholism had no bearing on my work.
I was sober for 3 years before I began.

As far as bosses with attitudes ...Yes! I
know about those too. When I saw a
"bad" boss coming...I trotted busily in the other diresction

[indigo]

Great responses from Anna and Carol, I agree wholeheartedly with both.

[Digginit]

I have a bunch of thoughts, but I'm just not putting them together very well.

Resentments. I think that my impatience with addict behavior is, at least partly, tied up in resentments. While there aren't many people whom I feel bitter or angry toward, there are definitely people I avoid because I've been so hurt by them in the past. I think that avoidant behavior is a sign of resentments. They come in a variety of textures, I'm thinking. Addicts, I feel bitter towards, even though I'm wallerin' in it myself....lol.

Fear. I think these feelings towards addicts and addictions might also be about fear....of going there again. To acknowledge that something as big as addiction is a problem, and to address those issues openly helps to remove fear I think. To close a door on the problem...to ignore it...leaves a person maybe a bit more vulnerable to things like fear that might creep in...maybe...or something like that.

Been seeing a therapist during these last few months. There are so many other issues besides coke, though, that the focus seems to bounce around...in a way that makes sense, but addiction is certainly not at the center of our sessions. I also wonder if having opened up soooo many difficult, painful doors recently hasn't got me wanting to slam a few of 'em shut again. Slam 'em shut on those UGLIEST frogs...lol

I don't know, but thinking this stuff through and dissecting it out a little bit is probably kind of important. Compassion is something that I've always had plenty of and something that I don't want to lose. I figure people who lack it probably have problems. <snicker>

Thanks~
dig

[indigo]

I believe that the fact that you're looking into all the factors that disturb you is a great thing to do. To be able to break them down and sift the good from the bad influences can only help jmo.

hugs indie