I need advice/help

[jane_668]

Hello everyone.I'm new to the concept of women's group but I have a private issue which I'd like to get see feedback.I'm 24 yrs old and I've been using Tramadol for more than 4 years.I'm working abroad were there's few NA meetings with like 6 people who are all Heroin addict in active use .thsi fact scares me because I know that I get dragged easily and that what almost happened.I am 3days clean for the hundreds of times.yet despite that I never consider myself an addict because they say Tramadol isnot taht addictive.Anyway, what's really bothering is that I find myself too easy going .A people pleaser.I am too good with everyone to the extent that I hurt from inside.If some one hurts me badly I tend to find excuses for him so that I end up forgiving him/her only for them to hurt me more in a different way.and when that happens I use drugs more to hide my feelings.

[51anna]

Hi Jane,

Wow, can I ever identify with the people-pleaser thing.

Oprah calls this, the 'disease to please'. And, it can definitely make you sick.

I think many women fall into the role of people-pleaser. From earliest childhood, I was in that role and never varied. The thing is, as long as I was looking for approval/love/acceptance from outside of me, I was lost. But, I didn't know that for a long time and continued in my role. I gave everything to my children and husband and in the process, completely lost myself and began drinking to help ease the pain.

I hope that you can learn to say 'No'. Try it in a minor situation and see how it feels and gradually you can incorporate it into your life. I hope you also begin to love and value yourself from the inside. No one or no thing can do that for you. It needs to come from you. The lack of self-worth had me relapsing time and again because I just didn't care enough about myself. Take a step forward and do something for you!

[indigo]

I agree with Anna, and the more you say no to the smaller things the easier it gets. I used to have great trouble saying no and started by facing myself in a mirror and imagining different situations and different ways to say no. It gets easier and is such a morale booster.

[jane_668]

Thanks for your great advice .i think I should learn to say No more often.i shouldnot always care wether I made this or that person angry.I should care less ether people like what I do or not.you won't even believe how much time I spend in aday criticizing what I did.I always listen to what they say .I don't know how to stop listening to what people say.I don't know why it means alot to me that people like what i do.i mean from outside I look like a strong confident lady but from inside I listen to each and evryone especially the negative comments.it's not easy to live alife trying to meet people expectations.Sorry if I'm rambling but i know this a habbit and I should stop this habbit.

[indigo]

How are you doing today jane?

[tangerine13]

Hi Jane,


Im new to the site as well, and been in and out of recovery as well. I have the same behaviors, such as ppl pleasing, and sometimes very vulnerable and care what ppl think of me.
People tell me that I am too nice, and let people walk all over me....for me those feelings come from low self esteem and self worth. I have only been here for a few days, so far it is a great place to let some of your feelings out, hear others stories for inspiration, and meet new people.

I wanted to share with you all how I have been feeling the last couple days.

I dont remember much of my childhood, the things I do remember makes me angry, embarrased, worthless, shameful, and a lot of other feelings! My sister and I were both sexually abused by a woman at a young age, and I believe I was abused by my grandfather. (I have little flashbacks of him touching me but thats it)

I started drinking to escape the pain. Here I am almost 30 years later, lost in a marriage with two kids, and havent stopped doing drugs. Some days I get up and feel good, and want recovery, and can do this on my own. Days like today, I feel like I need to go into inpatient treatment again. I am prescribed a lot of pain meds for fibromyalgia and herniated and bulging discs in my back and neck. I am almost off all the addictive ones and use marijuana at night for pain and sleep.

I have so many things I have never told anyone before, and I need to get all these secrets out. What am I so afraid of? Is it the shame?????????????????
I have so much already and dont think I can take anymore. *tears* I need serious help. I thought I could do this on my own, I dont think I can.

I struggle to find some kind of self worth everyday, but its so hard to find. anway, My insurance only covers 30% of inpatient treatment, and around here, the rehabs are getting smaller by the day . Im going to make some calls today, and see what I can find. Im really happy I found Sr.

Tangerine13

[jane_668]

Indigo thanks for checking on me. I am doing fine .I am still clean .I have 5 days clean.
tangerine,I can hear you.I am so sorry for what you went through.it must be really hard for you.

I dont remember much of my childhood, the things I do remember makes me angry, embarrased, worthless, shameful, and a lot of other feelings!

Sexual abuse is one of the most difficult issues to deal with.Have you tried councelling or therapy.They may help you.

[indigo]

(((Jane)))
(((tangerine))) I too was sexually and mentally abused throughout my childhood. Through a supportive family and shrink I am now more than ever free from the guilt, shame and pain of my past, it wasn't your fault, you are not to blame and you can hold your head up and be a survivor. It's great that you are coming off the poisons we put into our bodies for years on end trying to ease the pain. Are there any survior groups in your area? It seems daunting at first but it sure does help when money is short and esteem is low.
safe hugs indie

[tangerine13]

Hi ladies, Yes,jane, I have tried counseling in the past. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, I always ended up with a passive therapist who didnt seem to help.
Or, maybe I just didnt want it, I dont know.
I need someone tough, ya know? someone to challenge me a little. The last one I had was ok, she did a lot of inner child work, but when it got painful, I quit going, big mistake.

I am going to check out the abuse groups in my area, thanks indigo for the suggestion. My insurance only covers like 30 or 40 % of mental health, so I cannot afford counseling for now. Cpmmunity Mental health will not work with me either, they want like 95 dollars a visit because of hubbys income, ugg....it makes things difficult.

So for now here I am trying to seek insight and suggestions to get and stay clean first of all. meetings wouldnt hurt either. I dont have a license, but a family would take me to one in a minute! Im very lucky to have my husband. I have put him through a lot, and not a lot of men would have stuck around all these years. However, I know he needs help too, in the past two years has had panic attacks and depression from not talking to anyone about my addictions. I see the pain in his eyes, and it hurts.

thanks ladies,
tangerine13

[jane_668]

Hello ladies.Sorry I have been posting a lot because I was going through Wds.It was not fun at all.It's the same experience over and over gain.However,I do think that any clean day is better than none.Today I have 10 days clean time.I'm greatful for that but I know that my agony just started because usually I would hang in only 18 to 20 days.I donn know why .Something pushes me back to pills. I wnat thsi time to be different.I'm currently living in in aplace where there's no meetings.It's not an option.I don't know what else to add.I'm still suffering from severe anxiety.I don't wnat any meds because I know that I will abuse any pills .I have been abusing Klonopin and all anti-anxiety pills.I used to drink just to get through Wds especially the mental part but I don't wanna end up with abigger problem.So what are my options just keep moving one day at atime.

Love
Jane

[daffodil75]

It's great that you've made it to day 10! And, you're right, we just have to take it one day at a time. I'm also trying to learn how to live without trying to please everyone...

[jane_668]

ok,I have 12 days clean.Usually the next few days will be my hardest days because I would only last up to 20 days clean.That's all the clean time in I managed in 4 years.I don't know how to get through this period.When I first posted I intended to talk about the misery of being apeople pleaser. However,I can't really get anything done unless I first get off drugs.I tried to do that in the least painful way.I know there's no easy way out but I don't want to destroy my life while trying to get clean.I want to solve my emotional issue but right now I can't do more than just staying clean. It's very hard .The worst part is that somewhere in my twisted brain there's always avoice saying that now that I'm no more physically dependent I can get back to my F**** damn pills.Somehow I am convincing myself that Tramadol is not supposed to be that addictive and therefore I am not a true addict.I'm tired from going on and off the drugs every couple of months.i can't control my drug use when i'm on drugs and I can't topp thinkng about them when I'm clean.they say it's supposed to get better but how in the hell would it get any better.Does that mean I have to live my whole life trying to avoid things .It really sucks.I donn know what else to say